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IUHoosier posted 5/12/2014 22:01 PM

I met my wife in college and have been with her for 9 years (married for 4). Our life seemed so great and we were in so much love. Her old college roomates planned a girls trip to Mexico, but didn't want the husbands/boyfriends to come. This was fine with me, since I know there needs to be times where you spend time doing different things. Turns out she met some guy, but only kissed once. The worse part is when she came back to the US, she started calling and texting him every night. I only found out about all this, because our phone bill was an extra $60, because the guy is from Canada (international calls).

When I confronted her about it, she told me she needed to find out why she felt this away about another man, so the calling/texting went on for another day. That next day, I told her I couldn't try to fix our relationship the same time she was trying to build another relationship with somebody else. She agreed that wouldn't work and she said she was going to end it that night.

We have had a great weekend and things started to seem like they would work out. We are both seeing therapists and we want to do couple therapy after a few single sessions.

Yesterday, her phone was laying out and I read a text message from her friend that said how excited she was that 2 guys from Canada were coming to visit next weekend. I can't believe she is going to go through with this and have an affair this weekend behind my back. I want to work our marriage out, but I don't know what to do. If I say something about this weekend get together, she will probably not go, but how do I know that will end there. It probably wont. Do I just let this happen and confront her afterwards saying I give up....

I have been a mess for the last couple days. This was the girl of my dreams, the love of my life, the one one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I'm lost and have no idea what do do.

Strangefacade posted 5/12/2014 22:16 PM

Sorry you are going through this.
Do what you need to do. But if it was me, and I could go back in time, I would have confronted wayward spouse before the worst happened. Maybe she will chose you, maybe she won't.
But make her choose before she does something you'll both regret.
Maybe you've caught it in time, maybe not. But she doesn't deserve to go out with her other man without knowing the weight of her decision.
And only you can decide what you can work through, what you can forgive, and what you can't.

12yearsloyal posted 5/12/2014 22:20 PM

She is obviously hiding the truth. Are her girlfriends single? Somehow she has forgotten that she is married? I would nip this in the bud ASAP.

IUHoosier posted 5/12/2014 22:39 PM

The friend who sent the text message is recently married (under 2 years) as well. It looks like they are both meeting the guys up from Mexico. I believe her friend already slept with the guy, which is tempting my wife even more.

I really want my wife to make the decision on her own, so I know if she wants to be with me. If I'm the one who stops this, I'm worried it will just be on my mind the next time she goes out for business or to visit friends. I don't want to become that hovering type.

I don't want to have any regrets and want to know I did all the right things the last week in case this doesn't work out. I don't want to be dwelling on what I should have done differently. I want to fight for my wife's love, but won't be the rug anymore.

mike7 posted 5/12/2014 22:47 PM

Do not let it proceed. Absolutely stop it.

Confront her. Make her admit her lies and deceit.

If you let it proceed, it will just make things worse.

All is not lost, she's obviously thinking selfishly. "what you don't know won't hurt you."

by confronting her and making her make a choice, to stay married or get divorced, you are forcing her back to reality.

going on a vacation and meeting someone is a fantasy. Bring her back to reality. And then tell her she can no longer remain friends with her cheating friend, because she isn't a friend of the marriage. And you might also tell the cheating friend's BH about the cheating.

Cheating loves the darkness, the fantasy. Turn on the light and the reality. When your wife see's her friend fall apart after her husband finds out, she may realize what a fool she's been.

When she asks you why you did it, you can say that the other woman's husband had a right to know the status of his marriage, his life. It's the "right" thing to do. Would he want to know if his wife committed murder? Of course.

so definitely stop it. Tell her, if she wants to be single, there's the door.

good luck

[This message edited by mike7 at 10:47 PM, May 12th (Monday)]

still-living posted 5/12/2014 22:49 PM

Nicing her back generally doesn't work. You need to put your foot down, make it real, and shake her from the fog. Tell her she can pack her bags if she goes. Tell the friends husband. Have you considered STD testing? See the healing library. Read about the fog. Read about the 180.

Strangefacade posted 5/12/2014 22:52 PM

You don't want to become the hovering type? When the trust is gone, you can either be the hovering type or the sweep everything under the rug type if you stay with her. And she's already shown you that you can't trust her.

whatgives posted 5/12/2014 22:54 PM

I'm with Strangefacade - I would confront her and let her know that that you know and remind her of her wedding vows. Let her make the choice. If she makes the wrong one you have your answer but at least you know you gave her the opportunity. Fighting for something after she has done it will be far more complicated.

I would also let the other spouse know. I would want someone to tell me. The other friend needs a wake up call as well and that friendship needs to stop. They are carrying on as if they are teenagers. Sorry you have such tough decisions ahead of you. Good Luck and you don't deserve this.

LifeIsBroken posted 5/12/2014 23:02 PM

Knowing what I know now, after the affair, after the divorce: bring out the luggage and tell her to pack up and leave now. Tell her she obviously doesn't want to be married and/or doesn't understand that marriage is between two people, not shared with a 3rd party, & that you're not willing to 'share' with a 3rd party. And, if she does leave? Then you haven't lost much. Make her choose BEFORE the weekend.

I'm sad you are in this position but, right now, at this point in time, YOU get to decide how you want to live going forward. Wish I had been given that choice at that point in time.

Schadenfreude posted 5/12/2014 23:13 PM

Bigger, the wise poster, has a line you may wish to use. I'll paraphrase it. "You are free to stay so we can work on our marriage. Or you can choose to go. But not as my wife."
He's condensed a lot of wisdom into those few words. Think about them. It does require a certain indifference or letting go of the outcome, but it makes the choice crystal clear to her, and your future actions crystal clear.

GordonIsrael posted 5/13/2014 00:22 AM

I agree with LifeIsBroken. Good chance she already cheated in Mexico. When a spouse is dead set on cheating, you can "catch" them before it happens, but even if you prevent this instance, in a year or two it'll happen again and you will not catch it before the deed is done. For some spouses catching them like this much prevent something in the future, for others (like my WW) it would have merely delayed it.

Sorry brother, wish there was more that I could help you with.

Tren0R201 posted 5/13/2014 01:00 AM

Agree with Schadenfreude. You sit her down. No hysterics and very calm you tell you know and you tell her she can go but when she's not welcome back.

There might be various tests to gauge how serious you are, will most likely pick a fight but keep calm, if there is ever a point in your life were you've never been more dead serious then this will be the time.

standinghere posted 5/13/2014 03:37 AM

Agree with all of the above.

She almost certainly has been cheating sexually, the odds that she hasn't is like, well, zero.

She is smoke screening you.

She has a friend that is a cheater.

This is way out of bounds for any reasonable relationship.

She is not your dream girll, but she has led you to believe she is someone she isn't. Now, she is showing who she really is. You need to believe her. It is hard, I was in shock. I couldn't believe some of the stuff I heard.

Your wife is more messed up than you, or she, realize, and she is all fogged in.

You can cut your losses, and divorce, much easier route to go.

You can confront, deal with the lies, the blame shifting, the gas lighting, and enter counseling for 2-4 years, which will eventually get you to the truth which you will have to deal with, and she will need IC for a long time as well, and you might, just might, save your marriage. You just might find out how really messed up your wife is.

When you confront, you will be lied to, for months if not years. The truth never comes out directly. Odds are, no matter what you do, you are to late to stop the physical affair. Odds are she and the friends were drinking, met these guys, had sex, and now are trying to convince themselves that it was special never is, cheating is RFUB (really fucked up behavior). Typical wayward behavior. At first you want to figure out why the AP farts bubble gum flavored rainbows, but after reality hits home you realize that their farts smell just like shit, like everyone else's.

You have to realize, you are not making her decisions, you just make yours, and make it clear, lay down the line in the sand for yourself...she does whatever she wants, you just don't participate.

The friend, she has to go as well, not just the AP, for your marriage to thrive your wife will have to change, a lot, and it will not be easy.

I nearly divorced my wife two years into counseling, she did something very hurtful. I even told the kids we were divorcing. Horrible day. If I had to do it all over again, I'd sit my wife down privately, and tell here that what she said or did was up to her, but I would not allow her to play games with my heart, that I am a human being and didn't deserve to be treated this way, and then I'd tell her to leave until she was ready to respect that (she wasn't cheating then but was not being open about what she did during the days).

Cheating is cruelty, it is abuse, your wife is being cruel and abusive.

she told me she needed to find out why she felt this away about another man, so the calling/texting went on for another day

This is abusive, this is not love, it is not kind, it is cruelty.

Good luck.

Jduff posted 5/13/2014 09:56 AM

If I say something about this weekend get together, she will probably not go, but how do I know that will end there. It probably wont. Do I just let this happen and confront her afterwards saying I give up....

Like the others said, draw the line in the sand. You tell her the line as suggested by Bigger "You are free to stay so we can work on our marriage. Or you can choose to go. But not as my wife."

If she goes on the weekend trip, pack her clothes in trash bags and have them waiting at the front door when she comes back. Also, change the locks in the house.

I agree with standinghere in that you should not be surprised if your WW actually already had sex in Mexico. Think about it, why would a couple of guys travel all the way down from Canada to meet your WW and her cheating girlfriend? For some good conversation over coffee? These two hosers are coming down for a weekend sexcapade adventure. They are acting like a group of sex crazed teenagers on a weekend trip to Tijuana.

What you do from this point will guide you on either a shorter path to addressing the issue or the longer, excruciating, pain filled, emotionally abusive, torturous path full of gas lighting and cruel mind fucking from her. Both paths will come to the same point where you have to make a decision to R or D. We want to save you from the longer cruel path.

It won't be easy. It will be scary and difficult. Please read through the healing library through the link on the left side as soon as possible so you can get a grasp of what is going on and what to do best for your situation.

Gman1 posted 5/13/2014 09:57 AM

It's time to drop the hammer not try to be Mr. Niceguy. As others have said, it is almost a certainty that she has already had sex and told you she "only kissed". This is standard operating procedure to minimize and lie. She needs an immediate dose of reality and I would demand that she is not going on any trip anywhere without you. I would also call your wife's friend's husband and fill him in on their activities. Now is not the time to kill her with kindness as she is in fantasyland and is not thinking rationally. Many WS's are so screwed up in their thinking that they do not even consider the damage or repercussions of their actions at this point. As previously stated, tell her if she chooses to go then she can never come back. Period.

StillStanding1 posted 5/13/2014 10:03 AM

Please take a stand -- a strong stand -- with her before this continues. Don't wait to see if she "makes the right choice" on her own. You are only inviting more pain. Really.

WS's can convince themselves of anything... And she has a friend who is obviously reinforcing poor choices and "normalizing" them. This will not end well.

This would sound better coming from one of the men here on SI, but I've seen it to be true, time and time again on this site: Women respect a strong man. Be strong and sure of yourself and your worth, and then tell her that she has one chance to choose correctly and that time is now. Don't wait until she's further annihilated your heart. It's easier to repair the house after a small fire than when the entire house has been burned to the ground. Tell her this ends now. Be firm. If she chooses not to do the work she needs to do, then you have your path and you can save yourself years of misery.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I know how much it hurts. Glad you found us and please, stand up for yourself. NOW.

Edith posted 5/13/2014 10:43 AM

Hey IUH, sorry you are going through this mess.

First things first, though we probably sound jaded, I do not believe it was just one kiss. Most of us were fed that line of BS in the beginning, it turned out to be not the truth. If she was in Mexico with said scumbag, more than likely it was more than a kiss, unfortunately.

I would do a couple of things. If I could go back in time, I would try to do the following things, which would likely save you a great deal of pain:

1. Get yourself to an attorney like yesterday and have the D papers drawn up. Have them in hand.

2. Take the sim card out of her phone and see what happens when you place said phone in a food processor. You may want to wear goggles.

3. Gather up all her lingerie and have yourself a good old fashioned bonfire. Then go to K-Mart or Wal-Mart or whatever and replace said lingerie with men's underwear. Size XL.

4. Place D papers on the kitchen counter and take yourself a little mini vacation. You deserve it!!

Sorry to sound harsh, but if you have read about the "pick me dance," it does not work. Trust me.

Best wishes to you, and if you intend to stay married, get used to hovering.


Tom67 posted 5/13/2014 10:50 AM

You need to sit her down and tell her with no emotion "either you cancel your plans with the guys this weekend or we are done"
Like everyone has said you can't control her BUT you can control what you will or will not put up with.
Sorry it has come to this.

Tom67 posted 5/13/2014 10:52 AM

And yes tell the other womans husband what they are up to.

craig2001 posted 5/13/2014 10:54 AM

I agree with the others and it is time to stop this nonsense right now. You have to at least know where you stand in this relationship.

Do not let her go. Is it possible to get more evidence. If so, get as much evidence as you can.

Otherwise be prepared for her to lie and deny her way around everything you present to her.

But do not let her go. She has no damn reason going anywhere to meet any guys.

You WILL know what her decision is when you tell her not to go and she goes anyway.

Do not let her lie to you so much that you believe her and let her go. You will regret that, you already know enough.

Considering she has done these sort of things with other guys now for some time, it is also time she goes and gets some sort of therapy and find out WHY she is continually meeting other guys.

Either she is married or she is not. She cannot have it both ways. And I doubt you can stand that either.

Do you know this other woman's husband well enough to talk to about this.

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