Myself, I have taken a hard line with this R, I won't go through this again, he gets one chance at fixing his brokenness and then I'm out of here. If he weren't supporting me like your WH did tonight I would not be able to tolerate the complete disregard for my feelings. I would have confronted him. That approach is not for everyone, and everyone is different. All I know is that I have wasted enough time on someone who has disregarded my feelings, shown me very little respect and not fulfilled his vows, so if he can't come to the party now, then my son and I will just have our own party, and enjoy life without all the uncertainty and killer pain of the unknown!
I feel your pain so much and wish I could do more to heal it. I discovered many ads my SAWH posted in CL and it seems the dates and contents are etched in my head. SAWH becomes frustrated and upset when they come up all the time as well... I know that it is something I can't keep inside. I have been trying something... I have printed the ads and I try to write my feelings on the same paper as the ad. I then give the paper to my husband and ask that he responds to my feelings in writing as well. This has been somewhat helpful in processing because I can go back to both of our responses if the thoughts of the ad return. Not sure if this would help you but wanted to share... Either way I am thinking of you and hoping today is a better day for you.
I blurted out that I'm feeling consumed by the ads the past few days, no response, still looking at phone, 5 min pass and I went inside. I wanted him to ask what I needed tonight.
Here's the thing. TELL HIM what you NEED. Your NEEDS come first at this time.
You NEED him to get into IC. I think this is key. Without IC your H is never going to get it.
You NEED him to set aside a few minutes every day to discuss this matter.
You NEED him to put his arm around you. Tell you he is sorry and hold you.
Has he read, How to Help Your Spouse Heal? I suggest he does.
I also suggest you read karmahappens last post that went out a few days ago. It's called, Reposting Thoughts. It is all about healing THYSELF. If your H has no interest in healing himself or the marriage, then only you can heal you and its time to get started on that.
I wish you well.
[This message edited by LA44 at 1:01 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]
Are y'all in counseling? My biggest mistake after DD1 was not to seek help. My CSAT and I have talked about it and I wasn't ready due to deep hurt. But DD2 was the spark to fire up being proactive instead of reactive. Now, six months into counseling, I can admit my mistakes (in not getting help for myself/marriage, not for his actions). My fwh and I talk in depth and with a perspective on the past to help me understand his mindset during his acting out.
One of my fwh's meetings was two days after my birthday. That was very hard for me to reconcile.... this same man who helped our youngest make me a beautifully lopsided cake could two days later be responding to CL ads looking to get his 'itch' scratched. I know the date will always be a reminder for me, but with the help of our counseling and his meetings, I have hope that there will be no more DDs for us. He has worked so hard to trust me with the dark side of himself.
If your ws is not ready to trust you with his 'dark side' he is not ready for R and no matter how many doors you open to conversations you two need to have, he isn't going to participate.