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help with anger/fights

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byefornow posted 5/13/2014 04:06 AM

I am just at 7 months past D-day and the anger has hit full steam ahead.
I am not typically a fighting person nor am I an angry person, my family would definitely call me the more patient out of all of them.
Therefore, my WH has never dealt with such anger, such slew of nastiness flowing from my mouth like bile.

Can I ask two questions?

1) How long does this typically last? this stage?
2) How do you fight fairly? We had a fight last night, well not a fight, but me slewing anger like a volcano, and he just sat and said “I am so sorry, I have created this mess”. And yes, he cried. He has never witnessed me with such a rush flowing from me and he hopes he never has to see it again. The episode lasted about 1.5 hours and ended with me on his lap crying hysterically, spent, and his rocking me.

I just don’t know how to do this without hurting us or any progress we have made. And it is so out of character for me, it scares me.

Anyone else have this before and can explain how best to ‘get a grip’ on it?

I will say, this bundle of anger exploded even after I had written 3 pages in my journal AND mowed the lawn in the hot weather AND walked the dog – so it was definitely not lack of me trying to work it out in exercise form so I wasn’t exploding.

And now I can’t sleep just still too many emotions surfacing – not necessarily anger, but too many.

The roller coaster continues. Any help?

LivingALie posted 5/13/2014 07:36 AM

I hear you. I’m the same way. It is rare that I raise my voice or get angry and when I do it doesn’t last long and I’m always conscious of what I’m saying – being careful, measuring my words.

..until I hit that anger stage. Sometimes it was like watching myself in a movie, even as it was happening I was saying to myself – who is this person?

For me, part of that was I really believe that I had anger that had built up over the years. I don’t like to fight, I was always the peacemaker in the marriage. Always the one to apologize first even if it was clear that I shouldn’t be – but I wanted all costs.

Essentially, years of bottled up emotions came out after DDay. I was a raving lunatic. I called him names, said words I didn’t even that I knew. OH my…I was awful. Like you, I’d feel bad afterwards ..I literally was carrying on like even I couldn’t believe and like you, I’d end up crying to him.

It really wasn’t I wanted – I knew we couldn’t work things out unless I could get control of myself. The only advice I can give you is that when I would feel that well of anger start to boil I would take a few seconds to tell myself “don’t do this…speak calmly, do your best” ..or something similar to that – take 10 seconds, take a deep breath – you control you – and you can control that anger.

Did it always work? NO – it took time but one thing I really learned is that when I was screaming, saying vile things to him – he really wasn’t hearing a word I said – it was when I could calmly talk to him - that’s when he really “heard” me.

Don’t be too hard on yourself – these emotions have to come out – and I really believe that for years *I* didn’t deal my emotions – and that’s when 30 yrs of anger came spewing out.

If your husband is helping you with this – as mine was – it will get better.

tearingaway posted 5/13/2014 08:31 AM

The anger stage lasts different lengths of time for different people. I am a full five years out from D-Day and I still have the occasional bout of anger. Some folks get over the anger phase in a matter of days. I imagine it all depends on one's makeup and the circumstances surrounding the A.

As far as "fighting fairly"? Well, who says that the BS has to fight fairly? He wasn't fair to you with this mess. You are angry as a result. You were hurt by somebody you trusted and who took vows with you. You are still in shock. If you have a remorseful WH, then he will help you get through the anger phase, even if that means that he catches the brunt of that anger sometimes.

I think keeping the anger from getting out of hand is important, too, but that doesn't mean that you can't or shouldn't direct your anger at him. More to your question #2, I find that the best thing to cool down is to just tell the WS that you don't want to talk about it at the moment (or don't engage him to begin with) and then go for a walk, go exercise, or do something that YOU enjoy. Sometimes the fighting can feed on itself and you need to do something that breaks that loop.

If you feel that you are about to spew venom to a degree that is unhealthy, then take your leave and focus on something (anything) else that makes you feel good or makes you think about other matters. While it is important to talk with your WH about this stuff, you aren't required to do it all the time and you aren't required to be entirely civil all the time.

At the end of the day though, your WH should understand that you are going to get angry at times and that he is going to be on the receiving end of it.

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