Stop that. You can not stuff your feelings. It's extremely unhealthy...physically, and certainly mentally. You have been traumatize. You absolutely can not keep hiding your feelings from him.
He must see your pain. This is necessary for rebuilding after an A. How can he know the full extent of the damage he has caused if you hide it from him? How can he help you if he doesn't know you need help? Hiding your feelings is also a form of dishonesty. And honesty is crucial right now..from both of you.
You will go through a roller coaster of emotions the first few months..and awhile after that. It's normal. I understand you don't want to make him feel worse...but,really, it's ok if he feels bad. He should..right? Not because you are punishing him..but because you are reacting normally to what he has done..and if he is remorseful, he will feel bad...but if he is in IC, then he should be learning ways to cope with those feelings..and how to get the two of you through them.
Pretending will get you nowhere. Except miserable. Stop. You owe it to yourself...to him..and to your marriage to be honest with him...about everything.
[This message edited by confused615 at 5:35 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
However, you MUST show him what you are feeling. He NEEDS to see the devastation he caused. The only way, IMO, a WS "gets it" is to understand the depth of destruction they brought to the marriage.
You have an added 'feature' to your situation. I give your husband (anyone) so much credit to overcome addiction. You are a kind heart in trying not to rock-the-boat. However, your boat isn't smooth sailing again yet. Let him know you appreciate he's trying. But, please don't risk your ability to heal yourself by hinding emotions from him. It will only sink you deeper into the sea. It will greatly help yourself to tell him exactly what you wrote here. I wish you well and peace (& the hug).
He needs to see ALL of that process.
His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.
You need to let your H know about your pain because that's what you're feeling, and you need to be honest. If you R, you and he both are signing up to be there for each other forever, no matter what you may feel at any moment. It's time to start doing that, for both your sakes.
With 2 young kids, you can't give yourself the nurturing you could really use (which might include days in bed), but by sharing your feelings with your H, you can get a start.
Also, sharing your feelings is a good test for a WS - if she steps up, it bodes well for R; if she doesn't, you learn something very important.
You absolutely MUST show your pain to your H. When you don't you take a back seat and you need to be riding first class right now!
If your H thinks that your crying is a sign that you do not appreciate his efforts (and this is just a thought of yours and nothing he has actually expressed, correct?), then this does not bode well for R.
What are you reading right now? There is a lot of literature out there that can be instrumental to your healing while you wait to see your MC.
BTW, I hope your H gets into a narc anonymous group bc he will need that support in the long days ahead.
This is a huge mistake. I never let my pain show to nearly the extent I felt it - and I promise you I am paying the price 5 years later.
This really comes from a place of fear. Fear that you will lose the BS once and for all because he/she will be fed up that you can't get over it. That has been my fear, but when I have actually approached my WW, asking questions, being direct, I have had the opposite experience. Things open up. They are just as clueless about how the BS feels as the BS is about the missing details (or whatever the situation is) concerning the A. In other words, confusion reigns on both ends without open communication. Easier said than done, I know. I'm struggling right now with how to ask some questions because the stressors in our life make me want to back off until she's ready emotionally. But there is never truly a good time to talk about this stuff. Just gotta do it.
Intrinsically I knew that I could not keep the feelings and questions to myself as they were eating me up inside. I told my wife that I would continue to share them until she asked me to stop. (She has never asked me to stop).
We are five months out now. Iíve pretty much asked all the questions now but still have occasional nightmares where she has another ONS. I felt the same as you, and questioned myself for telling her about the bad dreams. I even reached out for advice on SI and was basically told (as others have told you here) that, if you don't tell your spouse and let it eat away at you he will know something is wrong and want to know anyway. He will know right away something is wrong and he might actually make a worse situation in his mind about what is bothering you. It helps us form that bond again with each other by not holding back your thoughts/feelings just to try to protect the other.
It is a good sign that you husband reacted the way he did and gave you the support you needed. My wife has done the same. When I shared my recent nightmare with her when I got to work I worried about telling her. I though I ruined her day. When I brought it up again that night I apologized to her for causing her any mental anguish for sharing the dream with her that morning. She told me that she actually felt good all day because I shared it with her when I woke up and she felt that she was able to help me process it and get in a better place before I departed for work. She focused on the positive influence she had on me not the bad (that my dream represented my lingering fear that she will have another ONS).
As long as your husband keeps listening, and providing the hugs and other support you need you should not worry about sharing your feelings with him. Look at this as a painful but necessary part of the healing process. You are a nurse so look at this a painful but necessary physical therapy that a patient needs to go through to regain use of an injured limb after surgery. The ONS was the injury, your D-day was the surgery, now comes the long process of physical therapy.
I'm a little farther out than you, but I still feel the same way at times. And about a month ago, I did spend a whole day in bed. A little pathetic, but for a day I indulged my self pity and spent the whole day curled up in bed. I hadn't shared that with anyone till now.
I also appreciate that you don't want to "ruin a good day". It seems like my need to discuss the A exceeds my WW's need to discuss it. Thus, each time I bring it up, I know it will be upsetting for her. As time passes, I need to talk about it less, but I need her to be able to have those conversations despite the fact that they can be painful for her.
I believe Red Sox Nation posted something on another thread that spoke to me, and I will paraphrase here. But basically there are 2 things that need to be addressed. First off, you need to feel safe and secure in your marriage again. And secondly, you need to work through and process the emotional fall out from the affair. Ultimately these two needs can work against each other as working through the emotions with the WS can be painful for them and seem to work against feeling secure in your marriage.
There is nothing lame about needing a hug either. I specifically told my wife that I need her to hug me absolutely ever time we see each other.