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Hiding how much I'm hurting

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Emmadean posted 5/13/2014 05:27 AM

One month out. WH and I are doing OK. He is really trying, stopped all drugs cold turkey, saw a psychiatrist to help deal with some of his issues, made us a MC appt (which keeps getting pushed back by the counselor... Ugh). We're getting along really well. But I'm still hurting so much. I wish I could just stay in bed all day and cry. I try to hide it from him because I don't want him to think I don't appreciate how hard he's trying, and I don't want to ruin a "good day". I'm just so miserable. I could really use a hug. As lame as that sounds.

confused615 posted 5/13/2014 05:34 AM


Stop that. You can not stuff your feelings. It's extremely unhealthy...physically, and certainly mentally. You have been traumatize. You absolutely can not keep hiding your feelings from him.

He must see your pain. This is necessary for rebuilding after an A. How can he know the full extent of the damage he has caused if you hide it from him? How can he help you if he doesn't know you need help? Hiding your feelings is also a form of dishonesty. And honesty is crucial right now..from both of you.

You will go through a roller coaster of emotions the first few months..and awhile after that. It's normal. I understand you don't want to make him feel worse...but,really, it's ok if he feels bad. He should..right? Not because you are punishing him..but because you are reacting normally to what he has done..and if he is remorseful, he will feel bad...but if he is in IC, then he should be learning ways to cope with those feelings..and how to get the two of you through them.

Pretending will get you nowhere. Except miserable. Stop. You owe it to him..and to your marriage to be honest with him...about everything.


[This message edited by confused615 at 5:35 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

Emmadean posted 5/13/2014 05:56 AM

Thanks Confused. The first 2 weeks I did nothing but cry. He knew how hurt I was and he did try to help. And when I do open up a little and he can tell I'm upset, he does try to comfort me and all. I just feel like I'm setting us back. Like I should be moving forward but I'm stuck. I was looking forward to starting MC and then the counselor cancelled on us and moved our appointment a month further out. And unfortunately, it's the only place our insurance covers. So I have to wait. Thanks for the advice. I'll try to be more open with WH..

annb posted 5/13/2014 06:03 AM

I am so sorry you are in so much pain, all of us have BTDT.

However, you MUST show him what you are feeling. He NEEDS to see the devastation he caused. The only way, IMO, a WS "gets it" is to understand the depth of destruction they brought to the marriage.


hear-me-roar posted 5/13/2014 13:38 PM

It greatly helped me to write in a journal. I could reflect on the part of me that was lost within our marriage and the part of me that would carry-on just fine. At one point, in our discussions, I asked him to read it so that he could see the full emotional cycle that his affair created within me. The journal, and his reading it, turned out to be so beneficial to my healing. I would not have thought it, beforehand. Write it for yourself.

You have an added 'feature' to your situation. I give your husband (anyone) so much credit to overcome addiction. You are a kind heart in trying not to rock-the-boat. However, your boat isn't smooth sailing again yet. Let him know you appreciate he's trying. But, please don't risk your ability to heal yourself by hinding emotions from him. It will only sink you deeper into the sea. It will greatly help yourself to tell him exactly what you wrote here. I wish you well and peace (& the hug).

RipsInMyChest posted 5/13/2014 14:22 PM

Be patient and kind to won't move forward much for many months. Shock and sadness will give way to anger. Many months from now, you will think you are finally moving forward only to have setbacks that seem to take you right back to the beginning.

He needs to see ALL of that process.


sisoon posted 5/13/2014 15:46 PM

You're just a month out, friend. You're still learning about this pain - you're nowhere near ready to 'move on'.

You need to let your H know about your pain because that's what you're feeling, and you need to be honest. If you R, you and he both are signing up to be there for each other forever, no matter what you may feel at any moment. It's time to start doing that, for both your sakes.

With 2 young kids, you can't give yourself the nurturing you could really use (which might include days in bed), but by sharing your feelings with your H, you can get a start.

Also, sharing your feelings is a good test for a WS - if she steps up, it bodes well for R; if she doesn't, you learn something very important.

LA44 posted 5/13/2014 15:58 PM

((Emmadean)), here is your cyber hug.

You absolutely MUST show your pain to your H. When you don't you take a back seat and you need to be riding first class right now!

If your H thinks that your crying is a sign that you do not appreciate his efforts (and this is just a thought of yours and nothing he has actually expressed, correct?), then this does not bode well for R.

What are you reading right now? There is a lot of literature out there that can be instrumental to your healing while you wait to see your MC.

BTW, I hope your H gets into a narc anonymous group bc he will need that support in the long days ahead.

devasted30 posted 5/13/2014 16:01 PM

(((((Emmadean))))) I hope you're feeling a little bit better. We are here for you. Vent all you want. We are listening and might be able to help if you need it.

deena04 posted 5/13/2014 18:23 PM

Let it out! Don't hide it. It may become too easy to rugsweep or not heal because you are not letting yourself heal by letting it out. It's ok to yell and be sad. It's ok to ask questions and check up on the transparency to see what's going on. You need that, so don't be afraid to do it.

redsox13 posted 5/13/2014 19:35 PM

When we were reconciling I concluded that if we were to have a chance I could not show my spouse all of the pain I was feeling. Part of this is particular to my story, but I think at some level some of us think we have to bury our pain.

This is a huge mistake. I never let my pain show to nearly the extent I felt it - and I promise you I am paying the price 5 years later.

Emmadean posted 5/13/2014 21:44 PM

Thanks everyone for all your support. When I woke up today (I work nights), WH was going about his business as usual and I didn't want to ruin the mood. But I took the advice and let him know I was upset and he asked why and immediately hugged me. I was running late to work and didn't have time to fully get into it, but I told him how I was feeling and that I felt like we weren't special anymore and that I felt like I'd lost everything. He was very supportive and told me to stop hiding what I was feeling for his benefit. (cont below)

Emmadean posted 5/13/2014 21:45 PM

He tried to pick me up and has checked on me since I got to work. I feel a little better and realize I need to be more open with him... A journal is a good idea. I think I'll try that. :) thanks for the help

plewpiter posted 5/13/2014 23:13 PM

I've been making the same mistake that many have mentioned here in terms of hiding emotions, thinking that we're doing it for the sake of the WS and enhancing R chances. All it does is sweep emotions and truth under the rug, building hidden resentment in the process.

This really comes from a place of fear. Fear that you will lose the BS once and for all because he/she will be fed up that you can't get over it. That has been my fear, but when I have actually approached my WW, asking questions, being direct, I have had the opposite experience. Things open up. They are just as clueless about how the BS feels as the BS is about the missing details (or whatever the situation is) concerning the A. In other words, confusion reigns on both ends without open communication. Easier said than done, I know. I'm struggling right now with how to ask some questions because the stressors in our life make me want to back off until she's ready emotionally. But there is never truly a good time to talk about this stuff. Just gotta do it.

BetrayedbyONS posted 5/14/2014 05:06 AM

Emmadean, Again Iím struck by the similarities of our situations. I had the same problem during the first couple of months. I would tell my wife about my feelings and constantly pepper her with more questions each night after the kids were put to bed (many times the same questions I had asked days before). She would answer my questions honestly but I could see how hurts she was, sometimes she would sob and get tears in her eyes when she answered me. Other times she would seem detached when she answered and I would later catch her crying by herself. It tore me up to see the woman I love so hurt buy my actions (telling her my feelings and asking questions).

Intrinsically I knew that I could not keep the feelings and questions to myself as they were eating me up inside. I told my wife that I would continue to share them until she asked me to stop. (She has never asked me to stop).

We are five months out now. Iíve pretty much asked all the questions now but still have occasional nightmares where she has another ONS. I felt the same as you, and questioned myself for telling her about the bad dreams. I even reached out for advice on SI and was basically told (as others have told you here) that, if you don't tell your spouse and let it eat away at you he will know something is wrong and want to know anyway. He will know right away something is wrong and he might actually make a worse situation in his mind about what is bothering you. It helps us form that bond again with each other by not holding back your thoughts/feelings just to try to protect the other.

It is a good sign that you husband reacted the way he did and gave you the support you needed. My wife has done the same. When I shared my recent nightmare with her when I got to work I worried about telling her. I though I ruined her day. When I brought it up again that night I apologized to her for causing her any mental anguish for sharing the dream with her that morning. She told me that she actually felt good all day because I shared it with her when I woke up and she felt that she was able to help me process it and get in a better place before I departed for work. She focused on the positive influence she had on me not the bad (that my dream represented my lingering fear that she will have another ONS).

As long as your husband keeps listening, and providing the hugs and other support you need you should not worry about sharing your feelings with him. Look at this as a painful but necessary part of the healing process. You are a nurse so look at this a painful but necessary physical therapy that a patient needs to go through to regain use of an injured limb after surgery. The ONS was the injury, your D-day was the surgery, now comes the long process of physical therapy.

Mac4 posted 5/15/2014 08:06 AM


I'm a little farther out than you, but I still feel the same way at times. And about a month ago, I did spend a whole day in bed. A little pathetic, but for a day I indulged my self pity and spent the whole day curled up in bed. I hadn't shared that with anyone till now.

I also appreciate that you don't want to "ruin a good day". It seems like my need to discuss the A exceeds my WW's need to discuss it. Thus, each time I bring it up, I know it will be upsetting for her. As time passes, I need to talk about it less, but I need her to be able to have those conversations despite the fact that they can be painful for her.

I believe Red Sox Nation posted something on another thread that spoke to me, and I will paraphrase here. But basically there are 2 things that need to be addressed. First off, you need to feel safe and secure in your marriage again. And secondly, you need to work through and process the emotional fall out from the affair. Ultimately these two needs can work against each other as working through the emotions with the WS can be painful for them and seem to work against feeling secure in your marriage.

There is nothing lame about needing a hug either. I specifically told my wife that I need her to hug me absolutely ever time we see each other.

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