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Mother's Day

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Ivyivy posted 5/13/2014 08:25 AM

So I need an opinion. WH went away to a conference on Thursday and returned on Monday. When he planned the conference, he says he did not realize that he would be away for mother's day. We have two kids, ages 11 and 15.

I did not say anything or give him a hard time for being away. I invited my parents and sibling over for a bbq on mother's day. Before he left, he said we should do mother's day the following weekend and invite my parents over then. My response was we could do that too but that I would be celebrating on mother's day.

While he was away he asked me to tell him where I do my facials so that he could get me a gift certificate. Other than that, nothing. No flowers. He did not go out with the kids before he left to get cards or anything.

He got back on Monday while I was at work (around 3pm) and called me and asked if I would come home early. I said no because I was at work and because I was annoyed at his request after being away for four days that now that he is back I should drop everything and run home to spend time with him.

When I got home at 7pm, again no flowers, no dinner. I did not say anything about it. I did get questions from him several times that evening asking me why I looked unhappy/upset. I said I was fine.

I guess my question is "am I expecting too much?" and is it ok for me to ignore father's day in the same manner? (feel free to tell me I am overreacting and just being pissy)...

blakesteele posted 5/13/2014 09:03 AM


I am saddened to read this post. Lots of "shoulds" fill a BS mind.....and it is normal. After all, we put ourselves in the WS's shoes and we just don't understand how they wouldn't step up and step up hard!

I don't have a great answer. My best guess is that a person who choses adultery has spent a lifetime of repressing and denying their feelings.....particularly painful ones. This "skill" is hard to un-learn.

Some don't at all......wife's fAP is actively choosing adultery as a way of life.

Some partially un-learn it......don't chose adultery but never put forth the effort to learn interdependence. Result is a shallow, okay life.

Some are fully convicted of their "skills" and aggressively work hard to develop and use new ones.

Truthfully, that 3rd option us what I see as the norm in the R forum.......myself included. I see my own self-limiting "skills" and am working on replacing them with healthier ones.

2x4 gotta express this to your husband. Resentment is building. Resentment in our pre-A M was prevailant and silently destroying it.

Big stuff we handle in stride.....debt struggle, pre mature birth, death of a loved one. It was the small stuff that we both chose to swallow, repress and not express.

Best thing to do is to express how you feel. Not take action on it, not tell him what he should do.....just express it.

"Honey, I appreciate you going to the conference. It provides for our family. I felt hurt and alone while you were out if town on Mother's Day." Stop!!!! No more words. You have expressed your feelings.

Caution. At this point he has a choice. He can get angry and defensive. Back away if this happens.

He could calmly ask what he could do. Put it back on him....don't "tell" him what he should do. This is tricky.....I fall into this pit. Adults here. You have expressed your feelings. He can make choices on how to respond to this all on his own.

Or he could do exactly what I just said. Apologize and take action that shows he loves and cherishes you.

Same works in reverse. You are going to do things that hurt him. Accept that when it happens, and chose that last option.

This will breed respect and trust.

Yeah.....haven't done this consistent enough to have it work in my M yet......but $8k on therapy and 36 books sure looks like this is a healthy path!

God us with us all.

Rebreather posted 5/13/2014 11:42 AM

Of course you have every right to be upset at his thoughtlessness. Is this the usual for him? Or is this new post dday actions?

I want to tell you Ivy, that every single time, 100%, always, when a BS asks in this forum "am I asking/expecting too much" my answer is NO. Ask for MORE.

You can't reconcile by not addressing this though, and getting even for Father's Day. That's not a healthy partnership in the making. You need to address it.

bytheboard posted 5/13/2014 12:14 PM

I'm sorry Ivy, you have every right to feel upset. I hope that you were able to enjoy the time with your other family members on Mothers Day. I know this must have been hurtful. Sending good thoughts your way.

Ivyivy posted 5/13/2014 13:40 PM

So I emailed him to let him know why I was upset. Here is the email.

I am upset because you planned to go away for Mother's day weekend (I know you said you did not know). I am upset because before leaving, you did not make an effort by taking the kids out to at least buy me a card. I am upset that when you returned yesterday afternoon (you had not even told me what time your flight was) you expected me to drop everything and run home. I am upset that when I did come home, you did not bother to even set out a meal or a snack or some flowers (anything).

His response - last time I bought you flowers, you did not even notice/appreciate them and when I asked you to come home, I knew you would not.

It is interactions like this that make me question the point of trying to R. Just continuing to vent...

lieshurt posted 5/13/2014 13:43 PM

His response - last time I bought you flowers, you did not even notice/appreciate them

So, that means he couldn't do anything at all? Don't thing so.

and when I asked you to come home, I knew you would not.

Well, then why did he ask? Seems to me he was setting you up with that one.

Rebreather posted 5/13/2014 13:47 PM

Ivy, that helps, now we really know where he is. Which is with his head up his ass.

Is he in IC? Are you all in MC?

I'm concerned you didn't know when his flight was. Part of recovery is transparency and accountability. You can't have that if you don't even know when and where your spouse is. What's up with that?

Keep the lines of communication open on this one. Perhaps he will embrace the opportunity to learn how to be a better partner for you.

Dare2Trust posted 5/13/2014 13:58 PM


Your WH's reply is even more hurtful, than thinking he was just thoughtless...He THOUGHT about the "right thing to do"....and then he chose to DO NOTHING!

Personally, I'd be enraged!
It doesn't appear to me that your WH is full in Reconciliation Mode.

LoveActually posted 5/13/2014 14:08 PM


So, at first when I started reading your post, I was going to chime in and say maybe he was truly putting off the "real" celebration until the following weekend as it sounded like you may have planned BUT after scrolling to your last comment and seeing his response to your email, well I feel totally different about his behavior. His response to your email is completely selfish and childish. He is painting himself as the victim and totally dismissing your feelings and hurt all together. Not okay! He doesn't get to play the victim. At this stage of the game, he should be bending over backwards and doing everything under the sun to help you heal and be happy. I agree, with Rebreather...what about counseling?

Ivyivy posted 5/13/2014 14:17 PM

So after the multiple questions on IC and MC, I figured I would add that he started IC and went somewhat regularly for a while (a few months). Then we went to MC with his IC, which was a mistake. His counselor (you can read some of my prior posts if you want details) was focused on our poor communication as the cause of the A, which I refused to go along with (because based on his logic I was clearly an idiot in that I was not having an A). So I said we needed to find a new MC. WH took that to mean I would find the MC since I did not like the other one and he had found that one. I have not found a new MC. So we are not currently in MC and WH is not in IC either.

I appreciate all of your comments because they make me feel like I am not crazy in my expectations.

Rebreather posted 5/13/2014 16:04 PM

It's really time to hold his feet to the fire.

He needs a new IC.

He needs to make a MC appt with a new one, yesterday.

And he needs to do some reading and evaluating. He is not remorseful. It's been long enough you've put up with half assed efforts. Put a stop to that.

OnAnIsland posted 5/13/2014 16:15 PM

I am really glad that you told him why you were upset, instead of holding onto and acting out on father's day. You need this communication.

And his words back up his actions; he is not lying to you. He is showing you and telling you who he is.

He needs a new IC.

He needs to make a MC appt with a new one, yesterday.

And he needs to do some reading and evaluating. He is not remorseful. It's been long enough you've put up with half assed efforts. Put a stop to that.

I agree 100% with Rebreather here. He needs a new IC, and he needs to keep going. You also need to tell that you expect him to find a new MC and set that up when it is convenient for you both to attend.

I would encourage you to think about what you will accept from him in his behavior and as a husband- lay out your boundaries on what you will accept. Communicate your expectations. And then be ready to implement consequences.

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