I am saddened to read this post. Lots of "shoulds" fill a BS mind.....and it is normal. After all, we put ourselves in the WS's shoes and we just don't understand how they wouldn't step up and step up hard!
I don't have a great answer. My best guess is that a person who choses adultery has spent a lifetime of repressing and denying their feelings.....particularly painful ones. This "skill" is hard to un-learn.
Some don't at all......wife's fAP is actively choosing adultery as a way of life.
Some partially un-learn it......don't chose adultery but never put forth the effort to learn interdependence. Result is a shallow, okay life.
Some are fully convicted of their "skills" and aggressively work hard to develop and use new ones.
Truthfully, that 3rd option us what I see as the norm in the R forum.......myself included. I see my own self-limiting "skills" and am working on replacing them with healthier ones.
2x4 here......you gotta express this to your husband. Resentment is building. Resentment in our pre-A M was prevailant and silently destroying it.
Big stuff we handle in stride.....debt struggle, pre mature birth, death of a loved one. It was the small stuff that we both chose to swallow, repress and not express.
Best thing to do is to express how you feel. Not take action on it, not tell him what he should do.....just express it.
"Honey, I appreciate you going to the conference. It provides for our family. I felt hurt and alone while you were out if town on Mother's Day." Stop!!!! No more words. You have expressed your feelings.
Caution. At this point he has a choice. He can get angry and defensive. Back away if this happens.
He could calmly ask what he could do. Put it back on him....don't "tell" him what he should do. This is tricky.....I fall into this pit. Adults here. You have expressed your feelings. He can make choices on how to respond to this all on his own.
Or he could do exactly what I just said. Apologize and take action that shows he loves and cherishes you.
Same works in reverse. You are going to do things that hurt him. Accept that when it happens, and chose that last option.
This will breed respect and trust.
Yeah.....haven't done this consistent enough to have it work in my M yet......but $8k on therapy and 36 books read.....it sure looks like this is a healthy path!
God us with us all.