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Dealbreaker for what???

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WhatsRight posted 5/13/2014 10:31 AM

I have realized inthe pst few weeks that my WH infidelity, and MOST ESPECIALLY his lack of remorse and efforts toward healing, ARE IN FACT a deal breaker for me.

It is a dealbreaker for the relationship. Never again will I have sex with him - not that it will bother him. I will not look into his eyes or hold his hand. Our anniversary is tomorrow and I will not go somewhere with him or celebrate in any way.

But, not a dealbreaker for the marriage - the living arrangements, etc. He supports me financially and I support him physically due to a disability. We will have kids at home for some time, even though they are mostly out of school. I am 60 years old and have no where to go, nothing to do, and no way to support myself.

I know there will be a lot of criticism for this - but I wanted to share that the word "dealbreaker" does not have to mean EVERYTHING.

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/13/2014 10:36 AM

It's awfully sad that you'll reduce yourself to such a clinical existence but I don't mean that as a criticism. I'm genuinely sad for you.

My mother is 80 and on a fixed income and despises her husband for cheating on her 20 years ago. But like you, finances pretty much dictate all their decisions (and codependency, as well).

I wish better for you someday.

gutfeeling posted 5/13/2014 10:53 AM

Well, first let me say congrats on recognizing YOUR boundary for being done with a romantic relationship!

As to the second - the marriage of convenience. Really, 60 is young. You could have 30 plus years left. You don't have to decide yet = but do you really want to spend those 30 years giving up having a real partner for financial security?

Keep thinking on it - and think outside the box!

WhatsRight posted 5/13/2014 17:13 PM

Thanks for the support.

I'm not sure how old you are, but 60 IS old.

And God forbid that I should live 30 more years.

My husband's health is failing. He has lost his will to live, in my opinion - partly because of what our marriage has become after the infidelity. But he has no skills to show remorse or make anything better. He is unable to live alone due to disability, and whereas I read here a lot about self esteem and standing up for what you believe - and I agree with most of it - my standing up for what I believe is that I will not leave him unable to live on his own just because he was unfaithful.

Maybe I will think differently at some point, but not now.

However, I must say that today I was so angry about our son - he is an addict and has somehow gotten all of my husbands passwords to different accounts - I found them in a notebook in his room today. Anyway, when I was telling my husband about it, I told him that he needed to change them all and that I needed every one of them. When I was talking about passwords I relived the pain of when he was online with strangers, and I became livid.

I told him that there was a difference in an ultimatum and a natural consequence. I said that I would never give him an ultimatum but that if I EVER find out that he is texting or emailing or chatting anyone on the internet again, or having any kind of emotional or physical inappropriate relationship again, that the natural consequence would be that I will walk out of this house with the clothes on my back. I was sobbing and 1/2 yelling. He immediately said that there was nothing going on and had not been anything since the whole thing came to light 7 years ago.


I have so had it lately. And not with him. We are struggling with an aging parent, an addict son, and I am about at the end of my rope. I have figured out that I have not realized my dream and never will. That is hard. I know that many people have not. But mine was so simple: not wealth, not fame or career success. I just wanted a family - a loving family. We could not have kids so we adopted our kids, and it has been so terribly hard with their birth mothers being alcoholics and addicts.

I'm just so very tired. I guess this is why the thought of living 30 more years scares the shit out of me! (sorry for the language!)

But I do sincerely wish all of you a great day - despite my "poor, pitiful me" rant!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 5:16 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

justdoit posted 5/13/2014 17:29 PM

I totally get what you are saying. I also recently turned 60 and tomorrow is the 5th anti-versary of DDay. It is horrible to feel trapped, and short of winning the lottery, there is not much chance of rebuilding a financial lifetime in the working years left. Slowly I'm learning that rebuilding the rest of life and holding my head high are possible - and that's my goal for myself. Friends, hobbies, health, family - those are things worth fighting for!

doggiediva posted 5/13/2014 17:50 PM

I am in your similar shoes except my kiddos support me more than drain me emotionally...

The kids put me through a lot during their teenage years but they are settled now..Both kids live on their own..

I also have no need for romantic partner at this time , maybe someday in the future..

I had thought of staying in the same house with my WH as a room mate for indefinite period until one of us dies...

Our house paid for, I am a retiree living on a pension.

But I don't have that luxury..

The reason is because I dread anybody googling my married name and seeing exactly who I am living with..I am too ashamed to stay with him indefinitely...

R has been off the table.. We are in-house separated, I am getting my ducks in a row for D.. In the meantime I tell those people who ask, but who have no real need to dig or investigate into my situation that I am separated..

I use my maiden name to identify my work, my art..

In house separation is so very isolating, it is awkward to have friends in my home if WH is there, so I hang out with friends somewhere else..Other than the kiddo's staying, I don't host overnighters with family members..

I dream of having my own place that I can decorate, and where I can enjoy friends and family without the awkwardness of WH being there....If I can fund my own small corner of the world without un retiring, everything else about divorce will be much more bearable..

That leads me to a question for you..

What do you do for yourself to make the days worth looking forward to? This is something I need to work on..I find that I am letting the world pass me by for a whole week at a stretch sometimes..

If I get up in time to see and shoot the sunrise this turns my day into a good one, even if I don't do much else during the day..Also a trip to my local Starbucks by myself or to meet up with a friend does wonders for my day..Neither of these I do as often as I should, lol..

Do you get away from the house?..Have any fur babies?

Not everybody needs a marriage or romantic partner to have a full and pleasurable life..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:24 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 5/13/2014 19:32 PM

(((WhatsRight))) You are a sweetheart, WhatsRight.

Ostrich80 posted 5/13/2014 21:08 PM

If I've learned one thing here, its everyone's sich is different. Some.of us aren't able to just pack up and leave. Even though my ws has a good job, you can't split a zero bank account. We are barely scraping by due to kids in college that I more than anything, want them to finish and financial ruin from our ds addiction. You sound overwhelmed and when that's the case, the last thing you have time for,.is planning an just feels like one more thing that you have no time or energy to do. My hope for you and others in a sich similar is to.hsve some peace...calm serenity. When you have peace and the chaos is cleared..than you can start to dream of a future.
Peace to you WR.

doggiediva posted 5/14/2014 23:25 PM

I agree with Ostrich...
Things, activities, thoughts that make you smile , that nobody can take away from you, that is what you deserve...


WhatsRight posted 5/15/2014 07:27 AM

Yesterday was my anniversary. Oh God. I told him the day before that if I could just have ONE DAY - one day of communication about what he chose to do to me. One day without defensiveness. One day to try to understand and try to put it behind us.

So, yesterday, I tood a loritab and a couple of Xanax. I spoke to noone. He came home late with a cople of bushes that I had wanted for the yard. BUSHES FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY - 26 YEARS FOR A BUSH! I said how beautiful and took 2 more xanax and went back to bed. He eigher doesn't ge it or he doesn't care.

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