It is a dealbreaker for the relationship. Never again will I have sex with him - not that it will bother him. I will not look into his eyes or hold his hand. Our anniversary is tomorrow and I will not go somewhere with him or celebrate in any way.
But, not a dealbreaker for the marriage - the living arrangements, etc. He supports me financially and I support him physically due to a disability. We will have kids at home for some time, even though they are mostly out of school. I am 60 years old and have no where to go, nothing to do, and no way to support myself.
I know there will be a lot of criticism for this - but I wanted to share that the word "dealbreaker" does not have to mean EVERYTHING.
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
My mother is 80 and on a fixed income and despises her husband for cheating on her 20 years ago. But like you, finances pretty much dictate all their decisions (and codependency, as well).
I wish better for you someday.
As to the second - the marriage of convenience. Really, 60 is young. You could have 30 plus years left. You don't have to decide yet = but do you really want to spend those 30 years giving up having a real partner for financial security?
Keep thinking on it - and think outside the box!
I'm not sure how old you are, but 60 IS old.
And God forbid that I should live 30 more years.
My husband's health is failing. He has lost his will to live, in my opinion - partly because of what our marriage has become after the infidelity. But he has no skills to show remorse or make anything better. He is unable to live alone due to disability, and whereas I read here a lot about self esteem and standing up for what you believe - and I agree with most of it - my standing up for what I believe is that I will not leave him unable to live on his own just because he was unfaithful.
Maybe I will think differently at some point, but not now.
However, I must say that today I was so angry about our son - he is an addict and has somehow gotten all of my husbands passwords to different accounts - I found them in a notebook in his room today. Anyway, when I was telling my husband about it, I told him that he needed to change them all and that I needed every one of them. When I was talking about passwords I relived the pain of when he was online with strangers, and I became livid.
I told him that there was a difference in an ultimatum and a natural consequence. I said that I would never give him an ultimatum but that if I EVER find out that he is texting or emailing or chatting anyone on the internet again, or having any kind of emotional or physical inappropriate relationship again, that the natural consequence would be that I will walk out of this house with the clothes on my back. I was sobbing and 1/2 yelling. He immediately said that there was nothing going on and had not been anything since the whole thing came to light 7 years ago.
I have so had it lately. And not with him. We are struggling with an aging parent, an addict son, and I am about at the end of my rope. I have figured out that I have not realized my dream and never will. That is hard. I know that many people have not. But mine was so simple: not wealth, not fame or career success. I just wanted a family - a loving family. We could not have kids so we adopted our kids, and it has been so terribly hard with their birth mothers being alcoholics and addicts.
I'm just so very tired. I guess this is why the thought of living 30 more years scares the shit out of me! (sorry for the language!)
But I do sincerely wish all of you a great day - despite my "poor, pitiful me" rant!
[This message edited by WhatsRight at 5:16 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]
The kids put me through a lot during their teenage years but they are settled now..Both kids live on their own..
I also have no need for romantic partner at this time , maybe someday in the future..
I had thought of staying in the same house with my WH as a room mate for indefinite period until one of us dies...
Our house paid for, I am a retiree living on a pension.
But I don't have that luxury..
The reason is because I dread anybody googling my married name and seeing exactly who I am living with..I am too ashamed to stay with him indefinitely...
R has been off the table.. We are in-house separated, I am getting my ducks in a row for D.. In the meantime I tell those people who ask, but who have no real need to dig or investigate into my situation that I am separated..
I use my maiden name to identify my work, my art..
In house separation is so very isolating, it is awkward to have friends in my home if WH is there, so I hang out with friends somewhere else..Other than the kiddo's staying, I don't host overnighters with family members..
I dream of having my own place that I can decorate, and where I can enjoy friends and family without the awkwardness of WH being there....If I can fund my own small corner of the world without un retiring, everything else about divorce will be much more bearable..
That leads me to a question for you..
What do you do for yourself to make the days worth looking forward to? This is something I need to work on..I find that I am letting the world pass me by for a whole week at a stretch sometimes..
If I get up in time to see and shoot the sunrise this turns my day into a good one, even if I don't do much else during the day..Also a trip to my local Starbucks by myself or to meet up with a friend does wonders for my day..Neither of these I do as often as I should, lol..
Do you get away from the house?..Have any fur babies?
Not everybody needs a marriage or romantic partner to have a full and pleasurable life..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:24 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
So, yesterday, I tood a loritab and a couple of Xanax. I spoke to noone. He came home late with a cople of bushes that I had wanted for the yard. BUSHES FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY - 26 YEARS FOR A BUSH! I said how beautiful and took 2 more xanax and went back to bed. He eigher doesn't ge it or he doesn't care.