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I Don't Think it's a Rebound, Do You?

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libertyrocks posted 5/13/2014 10:53 AM

What do you all think? I went on two dates with this amazing guy.

I'm not at all in love or even heartbroken about STXH. At all. I haven't been in love with him or even angry with him for what he did to me for a long time now. I guess it would look like a rebound, but I swear, it's not. I really really like new guy.

At dinner last night, new guy said he was rebound guy. I didn't know what to say. I don't even know what all this is, the hanging out, the dating, etc. I do know I have absolutely no feelings for STBXH, at all. I'm totally into new guy. I don't want to hurt him. I'm a good person, I know that.

I feel like my situation a little different because of all the TT I got for a year and a half from Dday #1 with STBXH. I was literally over him about 6 months after Dday and kept trying to break up with him, kick him, false R, telling him I didn't love him, etc. We even dide counseling and was doing it for the kids. I hated being with him. Finally, I said enough is enough, and kicked him out. I couldn't fake it anymore "for the kids." I want nothing to do with STBXH, I don't ever want to talk to him, although I have to about the kids now.I would NEVER want him back, I don't care about him, my hurt is healing and I'm so OVER STBXH.

Please share.(Edited for those of you who I apologized to)(See below)(Yes, I'm sorry everyone) I don't think there's a timetable when you all say it takes years to heal, I think that depends on what you're made of. I'm a strong ass little lady, I'm emotionally stable, I'm happy and I know what I want, it's new guy.

Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 11:53 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

TrustedHer posted 5/13/2014 11:01 AM

Please share and I won't appreciate anyone being a jerk to me. I don't think there's a timetable when you all say it takes years to heal, I think that depends on what you're made of. I'm a strong ass little lady and I know what I want, it's new guy.

Translated:
1. Please tell me what I want to hear.
2. Don't tell me it takes time; I don't want to hear it, I'm different than all of you. 3 months out, and I'm fully healed.
3. I'm bull-headed, and I'm going to do what I want anyway.

Best of luck to you.

I hope you don't hurt him too much.

Crescita posted 5/13/2014 11:12 AM

It sounds like this new guy considers himself a rebound, that probably matters more than what any of us think.

Try to consider his perspective for a moment. If he thinks he is a rebound, why is he pursuing you? Is he putting himself out there with a large chance of being hurt, or maybe he is just looking for something short and fun and doesn't think it will go anywhere?

You will probably get a lot of advice about being careful with other people's hearts, but if you think you are ready and he doesn't, yours is more likely the one in danger of being broken.

Sad in AZ posted 5/13/2014 11:16 AM

Unless there was someone between him and your X, his statement was true--he IS the rebound guy.

Did you talk to him about it? Did you ask him what he meant by the statement? Did you tell him what you just told us? Your statement:

I didn't know what to say. I don't even know what all this is, the hanging out, the dating, etc.

actually says a lot. This is new, and you're in a learning phase.

Not so gently, no one here is a jerk; they wouldn't last a nanosecond if they were. You're entitled to your opinion but when you ask for ours, you're going to get it whether you like it or not.

wildbananas posted 5/13/2014 11:39 AM

Personally speaking, ex-asshat and I were off and on for six years when we finally split. Because of that, I felt like I was totally over him and healed and ready to jump into a relationship with a guy in a similar position as mine.

Yes, I was over ex-asshat. But no, I was nowhere healed enough to date again.

I thought the new guy was so much different than ex-asshat. Turns out he was way worse and I ignored all the flags because I wasn't healed enough to spot them... or even admit to them. And because of that, I hurt all of us (including our combined children).Yes, he was a huge jerk. But I should have been smart enough to stay away from him.

I'm a strong-ass lady too. But even we need time to regroup after a shitstorm.

You're right, everyone's timetable is different. I'm just saying from my experience, it was easy to ignore how I was feeling in my toes because it was easier than facing it.

YMMV.

libertyrocks posted 5/13/2014 11:43 AM

I'm sorry, I know no one here is a jerk. I take that back with sincerity everyone.

Ok, I get it takes time. But, just because I'm 3 months out of having him out of the house, doesn't mean my heart is 3 months out, if that makes sense. I was living in turmoil with him and finally dedided it was best to discontinue false R with STBXH.

I really don't want to hurt anyone.

Yes, I'm new to this. I'm a 35 y.o. single mom who hasn't had a date in 15 years prior to this new guy.

So, let me understand, no matter who or when it is, the very next person is the rebound after a break up? This sucks. because I also have freinds who are happily married with their rebound.

Well, I REALLY do appreciate you all for responding and again, sorry to be so harsh. I should listen because it's just not my heart at stake here...

I mean I didn't realize new guy and I were just hanging out, because then he asked me if I wanted to "date" him. There's so much lingo I don't know.

Another question, does "date" mean sleep with? I'm totally okay with not getting intimate for a while. I would like to take it slow. BUT, if you all say he knows he's the rebound, then that can't be good either. Maybe he just wants to have a fling. But, I'm not a fling kinda girl. I'm a good girl.

Ugh, this is so hard, thank you everyone.

GabyBaby posted 5/13/2014 11:44 AM

If you already "know", then I'm not sure why you're asking for our opinions (especially since it seems you don't really want input that goes against what you "know").

lieshurt posted 5/13/2014 11:44 AM

Ditto Trustedher!


I feel like my situation a little different

Do you really think YOU are the exception here? I can't even begin to tell you how many people said that and then came back to say "you guys were right". I never thought I was an exception, but I know I moved too fast into dating.

I'm a strong ass little lady

I guarantee you aren't the only strong woman here and they/we had to heal. Do you truly believe you have nothing to deal with?

I'm happy and I know what I want, it's new guy.

After 2 whole dates? Oh my, let's check out china patterns because at your pace you'll be getting married in June. Come on....2 dates isn't enough to know if you want this guy. You don't even know him yet. Let's get back down to earth and reality. Honestly, this alone tells me you need some counseling. Again, I speak from experience here because I did the same thing. You are just following the same path that so many of us already took....which lead us into a circle right back to where we started with a little extra heartache thrown in. Don't try to rush into anything.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 11:47 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

libertyrocks posted 5/13/2014 11:48 AM

Point taken, wildbananas!!

So, he told me he and his ex-wife broke up because he wanted to go out with his friends one night, then she beat up his motorcycle and flatscreen with a hammer. They then seperated.

It sounded very suspicious to me, he never said either one of them cheated. But, my spidy-sense suspects he was the one who cheated. Why else whould a wife go ballistic like that. He said she was too controlling. Didn't sound good to me, but like you, I now realize I am ignoring the red flag....(sigh)

libertyrocks posted 5/13/2014 11:51 AM

Yes, lieshurt, you're right. And, you're funny! I was cracking up at:

After 2 whole dates? Oh my, let's check out china patterns because at your pace you'll be getting married in June. Come on....2 dates isn't enough to know if you want this guy.

Okay, I'm coming back to Earth!! hahaha
You guys ARE my counseling!! lol. :)

libertyrocks posted 5/13/2014 11:52 AM

So, now what do I do??????????
HELP! I don't want to lead him on if it's not right. But, his kisses...Good Lord! I'm like a high school girl all over again.

(Pushing bottom lip out and pouting)

Fine. I will do the right thing.
I just need help right now.
That's why I turned to you all.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 11:55 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

LearningToRun posted 5/13/2014 12:03 PM

Well, I'd say date him and dont get serious too fast.

Just because it is or isn't rebound isn't a "do not ever do" - its a go into it with your eyes open type of thing.

My opinion, anyhow.

lieshurt posted 5/13/2014 12:04 PM

Liberty, I'd just slow things down....a lot. I don't feel there is anything wrong with going out and having fun, but some people have a difficult time doing that and not trying to jump into a "relationship". Keeping emotions out of it isn't easy. You also want to be honest with him that you aren't ready to move into anything serious.

In the meantime, get some self help books on relationships. There is also a site called Baggage Reclaim that provides a lot of useful information that has helped quite a few people on this site. You may want to check that out.

And by all means, keep posting here. As you see red flags, bring them up. Get input like you did today. We'll help as much as we can.

better4me posted 5/13/2014 12:20 PM

The first relationship after a divorce is technically the "rebound". So by definition--yes, this is.

Chemistry is a wonderful thing , but it confuses our ability to think rationally. Back up the truck and use the part of your mind that thinks, not the part that feels. You are going too fast...You need to give yourself time to think.

First, ask yourself what you really want. Do you just want a fling? Being a "good girl" doesn't mean you can't have a no strings attached kind of relationship if you want to. However, many of us have found that we "thought" we could do that, but our hearts got involved and we realize we aren't "wired" that way. Others can navigate that water very successfully...What do you know about yourself and how you operate? You've changed since you were 21....Figure that out and tell him what you want now.

What does he want? Is he interested in a "relationship" in a no strings attached fbuddy? Is he interested in just being a rebound? He has a say in this too.

You've admitted that you know next to nothing about this guy. Ask questions about his marriage, how it ended. Ask point blank if he cheated on her, if he's been unfaithful in other relationships. The only way you get to know someone is to spend time with them, ask them questions, remembering that their actions speak louder than their words...

Many of us have said "what the hell" and gone ahead to do things that we "knew" didn't fit with our values. Many of us have proceeded with a relationship before we were "healed". People's hearts are tender...be careful and thoughtful before you start something. I wish I had been more careful and had waited longer instead of having my first relationship so quickly after my marriage ended. It is difficult to do, because it feels so dang good to have someone interested in you. It feels so dang good to feel passion...Know that you can come back here and say "You all were right" if that happens. You can be a voice of wisdom to someone else...

I can promise you that you will have this kind of chemistry again with another man if you decide not to pursue this "thing". That shouldn't be the only reason you pursue this...fear of not finding this again. You will.

libertyrocks posted 5/13/2014 12:23 PM

I feel like someone injected me with a deadly virus known as infidelity and ran. Now I'm here to figure out an anecdote. It's not easy recovering from this, that's for sure.

Thank you, thank you, thank you again everyone for your support and experiences, you all help me more than words can express.

I'm just gonna tell him I'm not ready to date right now. I mean, we've only been talking since Friday and had two dates. lol. I think that would be the smartest decision right now for him and I. It's too complicated still.

I love you all!!! Thank you.

Chemistry is a wonderful thing , but it confuses our ability to think rationally. Back up the truck and use the part of your mind that thinks, not the part that feels. You are going too fast...You need to give yourself time to think.

Yes, it is better4me. You had great advice. Very tender and heartfelt.

And, no I don't want to have an effbuddy. I'm female!! I have estrogen, I would become chemically addicted to him. It's physiology. lol. No thanks. I'd rather be alone.

I was so excited to go out, put some tight pants on and sky high heels, a little lipstick, dinner and a movie...I'm so sad now. OMG, I am a crazy girl.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:39 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

norabird posted 5/13/2014 13:09 PM

The time for heels and a night out will come, never fear!

Dawnie posted 5/13/2014 13:37 PM

I started dating my "rebound guy" 6 months after D day... and 4 1/2 years later we are still together, have been married 2 1/2 years and happy as pigs in poo....... guess I am the exception to "the rule"???

Sad in AZ posted 5/13/2014 16:06 PM

There are no rules, just general guidelines based on lots of collective experience, especially here.

libertyrocks posted 5/13/2014 16:28 PM

See, that's the thing. I can honestly say I've been out of love with STBXH for about a year now. It just took me awhile to get him out because he wouldn't leave. (!!) Finally, I had to get a restraining order. I don't like new guy because he's a guy, I'm interested in him for him. He's cool to talk to, funny and smart. I guess I could keep it there for a while and monitor what happens very carefully and consciously.

I think I need to slow it down and talk with him. It's not like he's asking me to move in with him! Right?!? geez, I need to relax and communicate like a confident human being, that's what needs to happen.

Thanks a million everyone.

I surfed through Baggage Reclaim and nothing applied to me there. I'm past a lot of those stages already...But, thanks for suggestion.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 5:52 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

inconnu posted 5/13/2014 20:47 PM

I surfed through Baggage Reclaim and nothing applied to me there

wow, you really do think you're all kinds of special, don't you?

I'm 5 1/2 years out from d-day, divorced for over 4 years, have now been in my NB exclusive, committed relationship for 4 years, 99% healed, and there's still stuff at Baggage Reclaim that I can learn from.

I guess the big difference between us is that I'm willing to learn.

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