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I need some help. STBXWH and I work for the same company....which is just so lovely right now. We both have very good jobs there, but he is near the executive level at this time; I work part time and am home with our children most days. While I do work part time right now, I have a role has a lot of visibility and impact within the company (so I can't just hide in my cube all day unfortunately).

If you read through my profile, you'll see that my STBX is a SA; if the things he has been up to were to get out, I truly feel that his career would be in jeopoardy. And let's face it, I need him to keep his job - at least until I go full time and get on my feet independently (ideally at another company). And I want to do that on MY terms.

Well obviously people are going to find out that we are getting a divorce, but I feel like it is traumatizing all over again to have to keep his secrets. I have told a couple of close friends that I work with that infidelity is involved, but I'm not interested in blasting his business all over the place; I don't think that helps either one of us. Maybe that was a mistake, but I feel like I need support from the people I care about too you know? We are respectful to one another, and really don't see each other that often at work - we don't work in the same "area" either. It is really a non-issue for the most part.

Well yesterday a co-worker said, "So has he told you why he cheated? Because most men cheat when they don't get enough sex at home."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Can I just tell you that it took every single ounce of my being not to completely lose my mind? I really, REALLY want to defend myself here, but I just can't do it. So now along with everything else going on in my life, my co-workers are going to think I don't "put out" enough to keep my husband.

I want people to know that I have done nothing wrong. I was a really good wife to this man. Turns out he was just more interested in hookers, panties and other men than me. I have taken beautiful care of the children we created together. The house is well taken care of and clean. I scratched his back, and told him how wonderful he was and how much I loved him every chance I had. Left him love notes. Made him his favorite meals. I would have never in a million years done anything to hurt him. And here I sit taking the blame for his actions, and I can't do much about it without causing even more problems in my life.

I just need to let go of those comments don't I? It will pass after time I suppose. Thanks for listening......

BeHappyAgain

You don't have to disclose his SA, but you can say that there are problems between the two of you that normal sex just won't cure. Don't put the stress on the word normal....just slip it out there.

Maybe this co-worker should do a little research before opening their mouth. Tell her to google the reasons for why men cheat and she can find out for her/himself.

What a stupid comment to make to someone....shit for brains!!!!

[This message edited by deena at 12:46 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

"So has he told you why he cheated? Because most men cheat when they don't get enough sex at home."

First off, that coworker must be must be so proud of their ignorance to show it off to well.
Secondly, there are so many ways to reply to that all of which mean, None of your frickin' business!

Has anyone continued to work in the same place as their WH successfully? I want so badly to run as far away as I can, but realistically I'm not sure that I can handle (nor do I have the confidence right now) to look for, interview, and begin a career somewhere else on top of everything else right now. :(

I wouldn't keep completely quiet after a comment like that, either.

I'd have said something like, "that's what I used to think, but after this happened to me, I've done so much research on cheating and that's not true at all! And definitely not a reason why STBXWH cheated!"

I used ignorant comments to educate people on cheating and cheaters.

Don't smear him, but don't take the blame, either. You did nothing wrong.

Next time you could smugly smile and say something like "How I wish I could go back to being that naive again."

^^what she said. People love gossip and drama - I would out him when you're leaving and set up in your own job unless it would impact you.

In the interim I don't think they need to sordid details but I think you can tell them you didn't like his girlfriends and leave it at that.

"So has he told you why he cheated? Because most men cheat when they don't get enough sex at home."

That is the height of rudeness. These are things people say to assure themselves that it couldn't happen to them - like they have any control of it. To say it out loud is incredibly rude and totally inappropriate in a work environment.

*TMI* The sad clown and I were having sexual contact 4/5 times a week - he will be missing my regular and spectacular BJs and the relative ease of my multiple orgasms for the rest of his life. Of that I have zero doubt. I have nothing to miss as I can have that with pretty much anyone. Yet he is the one who cheated.

There are others who had more sex, less sex and no sex. Sex isn't the common denominator - a cheater is.

I work for the same agency as my xWH. And I tell EVERYONE exactly what he did. The non-stop fucking OWs, the stealing money from me, the lying, the sociopathic tendencies, the whole shebang.

As does his ex-bestfriend who also works for the same agency.

And a few others who were caught up in the mess when it all came out.

We have the goal of driving him out. I'm confident we'll succeed.

Your stbxasshat doesn't deserve your protection, after all he didn't protect you. Remember, besides the cheating he risked your life. He could have given you HIV and killed you. So fuck him. Tell people.

The damage you do to your psyche by taking all the blame holds you back. You want your stbxasshat to have that job to provide for you financially, but there's more to life than protecting a dick and you might surprise yourself at how well you can take care of yourself when you let your inner tigress out.

I get it. Money matters. But so does your self esteem, mental health, and development of courage. Those last 3 will help you rebuild your life. Money really won't.

((((behappyagain)))

Hindsight is 20/20, but you might keep this in your pocket for future idiots:

"So has he told you why he cheated? Because most men cheat when they don't get enough sex at home."

"Most cheat because they think they can get away with it. Oviously the X was wrong." Then wink, and walk away.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 9:06 PM, May 13th, 2014 (Tuesday)]