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Newest Member: Remember (46025)

User Topic: 1 year later
alwaysstressed
♀ 41272
Member # 41272
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate that May 7th is now an anniversary of sorts with D-Day. So much has happened in such a short time. Anyone know how to speed up the healing process? XH has moved on twice. I still feel married. Knowing how easily he moved on after he ended it with OW really makes me angry. I guess I expected him to take as long as I am to heal. He has absolutely no concern for what his actions are doing to our kids. They are young adults, but they are so hurt that he can'rt make any time with them without his latest girlfriend and her family being there.


Me: 50 (BS)
Him:50 (WH)
Married:24 years
2 kids DS 18 and DD 21
DDay 5/7/13 out of nowhere
Divorce final on 10/20/13

Posts: 22 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: PA
deena
♀ 27275
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't understand how they can change so much that they lose sight of the kids??!!

That I don't get!!!

And it gets me so mad when the kids are hurt thru stupid, selfish choices.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3195 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
sparkysable
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Normal people can not do this. Normal people can not go around tearing people's lives apart with no regard for the mess he leaves behind.

Just know that he is severely broken, and will never change. The players change, but the game stays the same.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3559 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I expected him to take as long as I am to heal.

That is your mistake there. He is not healing. He is just taking his dog and pony show to the next town. Or as I like to say, a parasite always needs a host. How is having a new host moving on? He's still a parasite - what do you think has changed except the host? You were that host - now you are parasite freeze

You are still attributing your values, integrity and morals to him. This is what you need to address. This will keep you in limbo all by yourself. He doesn't share any of those things with you a he is making that abundantly clear.

Your year of 'firsts' is over. That is the hardest year. But please be warned you can get stuck in limbo by yourself forever.

Do you think 'moving on' means re partnering? I don't. I think doing so before you are healed is a sure fire way to end up with WH#2. I could have had multiple relationships in the last 2 years. I am not single for lack of opportunity - I am single because I don't trust my picker and I am not yet healed. I would not date me right now.

What are you doing for you? What are you doing to detach from him? What are you doing to accept that he never was and never will be the man you thought you married?

These are all things that will help you heal. They say it takes 2-5 years to heal in R and the general consensus here is that it is about the same in D. But it isn't just time that will help you heal - it is what you do with that time. It is an active thing, not a passive one.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5733 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XH has moved on twice.

That's not healing. That's running. And running very hard while staying in the same place no less! All that effort he expends and yet still he's stuck hiding from himself. How exhausting.

Everyone says that you can't speed healing, and well, that's more or less true. But there are things you can do that help you build up self protective defenses more quickly. Snark is a good one. So too is telling your adult children that they can choose to not spend time with him, they owe him nothing at this point. Little kids you can't do that with, but adult children you can because you can talk to them like adults.

And really, doesn't it wear you out just thinking about how fast you have to run to keep up with him? You know that was exhausting. And now you don't have to. You can relax, and stretch, and yawn, and look around and see what there is to see. No running, no hiding. You can turn your face up to the sun and rejoice in calmness.

(((alwaysstressed)))


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3205 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Smashedat58
♀ 41705
Member # 41705
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your EX has never thought about his kids or you or the OW before himself. He is the center of his universe, and you are all there just to serve him. He doesn't feel for the kids because he only can feel for himself. NPD or selfish B disorder.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Upstate New York
southsidecali
♀ 22752
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep agree on they don't care for anyone but themselves.

I think they care when the kids can feed their NPD ego but it usually is not enough to fill the VOID they feel so they look for other adults to validate their self worth.

Although we never "reconciled" we did dance to our dysfunction(me coda-him NPD)the last few years and I just started pulling away and resetting boundaries and sure enough he bails to find someone to love him.

By allowing him around me I did not continue the healing process, however, based on the lastest shenanigans I do feel stronger and know I will be handling things differently.

Focus on you and make your own REBIRTH date to a new you!


Posts: 863 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
Linus1968
♂ 31243
Member # 31243
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

alwaysstressed, it will come. As everyone said, he is not healing.
You will, but it takes time. I was told that when a divorce happens, especially with adultery, it is not a surgical cut, it is a rip or tear. Pieces of you went with him, and piece of him with you. Let time take care of it.

I am 4 years out, and just starting to feel good. I still get triggers, and let things bother me, but they are happening less and less, like weeks between episodes, compared to the first year, it engulfed me from first wake until I fell asleep from exhaustion.

But, you have your children, friends, hobbies...use them in your healing. If you believe in God, ask for help.
You are doing much better in your healing then he is. He has not even on the right road or state of mind...

By the way, I am with you. I think that date will be entrenched forever. Not like a birthday, or anniversary, but more like when a parent died, or a major car accident, or 9/11. It will be there forever. But, later it will be just another date, and the impact of it will be diminished.

Keep it up. (((alwaysstressed)))

You're an interesting species, an interesting mix. You're capable of such beautiful dreams and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other. - Contact

[This message edited by Linus1968 at 7:12 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


Me: Me
Her: Multiple men, multiple times, OC with the latest one
S: 16, D:14
May 27, 2014 DIVORCED!!!
In the words of Dory "Whew, I'm glad I got that off my chest."

Posts: 241 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 8

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