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Mumof3 posted 5/13/2014 16:50 PM

Major hurdle this eve. I triggered and had a major red flag. I saw a restaurant bill for last weekend when my H was away on business and put 2 and 2 together and came up with 10. I was leaving nothing to him. I did something I have never done in 8 months of R and messaged the OW through Facebook. Asked her to kindly tell me the truth of her last contact with my H. She replied and her story was as I knew it she also said 'I have no intention of seeing or contacting him ever again'.. I was spiralling out of control as I waited for her response (15 mins) and was convinced she would phone my H and tell him (imagining they were still together and keeping secrets from me).. He phoned me shortly after and I answered the phone - he sounded normal and I said 'why are you phoning me?' Convinced it was to say he knew he'd been caught - he didn't he acted normally and started asking me what was wrong and then came home from work immediately when I told him I had seen the restaurant bill. I believe his story now 100% he told me he had been out with colleagues that night. I believe 100% now that he has had no contact with OW whatsoever.

He told me he was here for me and that he loved me and that it's ok and he's there for me.. Then, here's the bit.. He said 'I understand you can't support me at all right now and that's ok'... This really really got to me.

This is a trigger as for 2 years while A was going on and before he kept telling me I wasn't there for him, didn't support him etc.. This has left me with a huge belief (which I'm working on in IC that the affair was my fault.. It's a crippling feeling and I am terrified of getting things wrong again and so act overly scared/nice/attentive constantly now..

I do support him though. I'm trying to fix our M after he had a two year A. I feel so destroyed by his words..

I don't have the energy to write anymore now although I've not really finished this...

gutfeeling posted 5/13/2014 17:05 PM

I'm trying to understand....

Your post pretty clearly screams to me that WH and OW are still in contact - at least about your contact to her.

Your thoughts?

gutfeeling posted 5/13/2014 17:14 PM

Can you give us a little bit more information? What about the bill was a red flag? (I'm guessing it was for more than one?) How much was the bill? Did you look up the restaurant online to see how much entrees cost to get an idea of the # of people that would have eaten at that price?

Had WH told you he was alone? Was he supposed to have told you if he was going out with co workers?

I'm just trying to get more info because it is possible you are being gaslit.

OW gave you the exact same story as WH (Red flag - they got their stories straight ahead of time), that 15 minutes could have been her and WH deciding how to respond), his phone call to you immediately after (out of the blue) (red flag). The fact that you believe him "100%" about the dinner - really 100%? I'm not sure I'll ever believe 100% again.

Just trying to help.

How else has WH been doing? Inconsistencies?

PollyA posted 5/13/2014 18:00 PM

Gut, I too question the timing of this. You could always contact the restaurant for an itemized bill. I used to have to do that for my boss cause he always lost receipts.

I am MORE concerned at his selfishness in saying "I know you can't be there for me"


My H had an affair before we were married. We went to marriage counseling and I took on all this responsibility. NOT that I caused the affair, but that I made the situation such that he looked for validation elsewhere. I worked on it a LOT.

Well, all that was complete BULLSHIT. He even told the MC that I was always there for him, that I wasn't a prude and even knew that the sexual fantasy he had, I was on board with and willing to make happen. Instead, the selfish asshole spent 8 years having a secret life because he couldn't come to terms with it within himself.

YOU AREN'T A LITTLE BIT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS AFFAIR! You're not even responsible if he feels you're not there for him now because of course you can't be there for him. HE did this damage. If he can't handle your pain and take full responsibility, then cut him loose. We all accept way less than we give.

In MC I've said that after 8 years of betrayal, 6 months of torturous lies and trickle truth, I got nothing to bring to this recovery. I was all in before, and now...pheh.

If he decides he can't hack it, he isn't a worthy partner.

And call the restaurant....if they won't give it to you, you can call the credit card company, question the charge, and they'll contact the restaurant for the detailed receipt. If the charge was two dinners and an expensive bottle of wine, you have your answer.

plainpain posted 5/13/2014 20:17 PM


That has red flags all over it for me. :(

OW responded pretty quickly and openly to your message. I can't imagine being able to do that without being defensive, or without an "I am so ashamed", or without a "you and your H are not my problem, leave me alone".

WH called waaaaaaay too conveniently immediately after.

WH *should have* responded with, "I am so sorry to have scared you. I will do anything to give you peace and reassurance that you can trust me."... followed up with action.

"It's ok you can't support me right now"????? Wtf. No. That is all kinds of passive-aggressive. How are you not supporting him? The fact that he is able to go out of town on business after having a 2 year LTA says you are VERY supportive.

Having had 2 d-days, I say, "If it smells like a duck, it's a duck." Take care of yourself. Dig deeper into this. Tell him you want to see the hotel bill, room service charges, etc. If it was for business, he will have those. Liars lie. His response does not sound at all like a remorseful wayward. It sounds entitled, selfish and condescending. He should be falling over himself to reassure you and give you full transparency.

Sad in AZ posted 5/13/2014 21:11 PM

I'm trying to fix our M after he had a two year A.

Do you even see what's wrong with this sentence?

gutfeeling posted 5/14/2014 11:04 AM

How are you doing today?

Williesmom posted 5/14/2014 11:16 AM

Why would you expect the OW to tell you the truth about anything? She is irrelevant.

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