1) Have you set out requirements for R? Usual ones are NC, IC for WS, MC, honest answers to all questions, transparency. I know setting requirements is risky, because your W may balk and walk, but staying in an M without those things after being betrayed seems worse than D, IMO.
Here's the thing: WSes are clueless until they start feeling remorse. They need a lot of guidance, and explicit requirements provide at least some of the guidance they need. Which means your best bet is to figure our what you require and see if your W is willing to meet your requirements.
IMO, virtually all WSes need IC, because they have to change so much about themselves that they can't do it without help - and one spouse should not be the other spouse's therapist.
2) Regret vs. Remorse: The basic remorse process, I think, is 1) accepting responsibility for what one has done, 2) realizing the doer betrayed herself, and 3) deciding to change from cheater to good partner. At this point, your W seems unwilling to accept responsibility for what she's done, so she's not even begun to be remorseful.
You may choose not to D at this point, but she's not a candidate for R at this time.
IMO, R requires your W specifically to do IC because she won't begin to do the work unless something jostles her internal system enough to make her want to change.
3) Have you read about 'the 180'? (See, for example, http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11.) The 180 may be your friend right now.
4) She didn't do this to you. WSes cheat for their own reasons, and they betray themselves before they betray their partners. IMO, the underlying reason people cheat is that they won't face their own pain. BSes are just collateral damage. (I got that from a member whose name I don't remember.)
5) Well, there IS sort of a textbook for recovery, and we all pretty much follow it. The next time your W mentions it, just tell her, 'Yeah, and you forced me into this process. Now, back to the issue I raised....'
6) With anger, it will probably help not to say things like, 'You BITCH!'
It will probably help to say things like, 'I'm FURIOUS that you (name specific thing you're angry about)!'
The first is an attack on your W, and it invites her to defend. The second shares your feeling about something your W did, and it invites her to recognize what she did, its impact and maybe even to apologize and change.
[This message edited by sisoon at 9:22 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)]