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BS obsessed with AP - help please

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plainpain posted 5/13/2014 20:40 PM

It has been a year since the last D-day, two since the first d-Day. Two years of my life I have been thinking about this woman every single day. I don't "blame" her, I hold my WH 100% responsible. But I feel like this person impacted my life and my marriage and I don't know how to have closure on it. She had his baby. We are NC, and she has not tried to change that.

I think about her every day. I creep her FB. I know more about her and her life than my WH ever did. I feel like I actually need to break up with her... how messed up is that? I know, I know, stop creeping her. Stop feeding it. I know. But HOW???

I feel like I have turned OCD over this. I need help. How do I let her go? How do I stop letting her be in my head and my marriage? How do I stop giving power to a ghost? The A wasn't even about her, she wasn't anything at all, so why the fixation?

I honestly feel like if it weren't for the baby factor, I could file her away. But I feel like I have to keep myself prepared so I am not blind-sided again.

I really need help. :(

LosferWords posted 5/13/2014 20:57 PM

I'm so sorry, plainpain.

I can relate in a way, as the OM is the biological father of my son.

I did end up blocking him, his family, and his friends from facebook. He has another couple of web sites he is on because of the band he is in, so I've just mentally made a pact with myself not to look at those sites. Between the blocking and that self-pact, that has helped a bit with the online obsession.

As far as stopping giving her power... one thing I've found helpful is to allow myself to feel the feelings of rage and anger that I feel towards OM. Eventually, just facing those feelings head on, those feelings do start to lose their power. I start to lose interest in those feelings.

I also have made a conscious decision to never forgive him (he was a supposed friend of mine, so this is where that comes in to play). Making that decision has allowed me to let go a bit more.

All of that, and just trying to concentrate on things that are worth my time and mentally energy way more than OM.

Given all of that, I still have my days, and can most definitely relate.

Sending you ((hugs)), peace, and strength.

Gotmegood posted 5/13/2014 21:03 PM

I really have no idea why I'm responding to you, because I have no concrete answers. I can only say that I get it. I went through that. I did the same thing, to the point that I thought I had a 'problem'. My WH screwed a prostitute. I spent endless hours researching creepy websites. Found her ads. All of them. Found her pictures, read her website, found her 'porn' videos, read her reviews.....over and over and over. It became crazy. And I never, not for a minute, 'blamed' her....I always saw her more as the drug dealer to a habit I didn't know he had. His fault 100%. But it was such a shock. Such an unknown to me, and it took a while. So I guess what I want to say to you is that it's almost gone. I'm almost free. I spend maybe 1 hr a week trolling, looking, creeping. There's no more mystery to me, and perhaps that will happen to you too. It just finally, after over-exposure to this disgusting and debased individual, it doesn't draw me in anymore. There's nothing left to find out. Maybe it will just play itself out with you, as it did with me. I hope so for you.

LoveActually posted 5/13/2014 21:48 PM


I honestly feel like if it weren't for the baby factor,

I'm five years out, the ow for me; a total stranger he met at a bar had a long distance 12 month EA and was able to sneak away for 3 days of PA. No baby involved in my case, but I obsess like crazy too, yes even after all this time. I think it's about us looking for the "why", why her. What did she have that made him almost throw away everything...why her...why was she worth causing me the greatest hurt in my life and making me carry this burden for the rest of my life. I think I look sometimes searching for the one moment when I will get it...I will see what he saw or get what he got that allowed him to do such a terrible thing. But, five years later and it's still the was never about her--she could have been anyone that night at the vacant bar stool. In your case, you have a something I can't imagine dealing with on top of the carnage. A baby. I can't fathom the pain that goes with that in addition to the already horrific pain of the affair itself. Don't beat yourself up for have so much on your plate. Do either of you have to have any contact at all because of the baby..or is total NC? If you are total NC maybe it's just natural curiosity about that baby and what her life is like now--maybe looking for proof of the misery or mess of a person that she has to be? That's what I think I look for when I'm obsessing--validation--I want and need validation that she truly is as horrible as I think she is--or at least what my mind tells me she is. Just throwing ideas out. Hugs and I'm sorry I know it hurts.

[This message edited by LoveActually at 9:49 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

plainpain posted 5/13/2014 21:52 PM

Did/does your WH know about the obsession? I think that's what I hate mostly - I hide it from him. I steal time from my children for it. I feel like a WS. We have a "no secrets" policy, and I am not honouring it. I have tried to talk to him about it, but I feel like it disgusts him, and I actually feel a great deal of shame over it. He does not want her in our life, our marriage, our future. I say to myself, "Well, you put her there".

I am being selfish. I am giving brain space to her, at the cost of transparency with my WH. I hear myself saying, "Well, I would have told you but I knew you would be mad." Wayward thinking.

Justifying. Blame shifting. Secrecy.

I hate her, I don't want to think about her... but I don't know how to stop. I feel like she must be a witch of some kind.

plainpain posted 5/13/2014 21:59 PM

LoveActually, we have zero contact. We emailed around her due date so we could give her contact info to order paternity test, etc, but received crickets from her. Definitely I want to see that she is miserable. I want to see that her baby is ugly, that she has no friends, that she got some weird flesh eating disease, that she is a bad mother. But I also want to see that the baby is safe, that it is loved, that she has support, that my childrens' sibling is not in a desperate life. It's so mixed and muddled.

I hate that I am looking at OW to find validation. That is too ironic for words.

sunvalley posted 5/13/2014 23:00 PM

I would highly recommend trying EMDR therapy. It helped me immensely in not obsessing about the OW. Still occasionally check up on them, but not like I used to and my views on them now are more realistic and I dont think about them much if at all. It may not work for everyone but it worked for me on this specific issue.

TheBestMe posted 5/14/2014 06:49 AM

(((((plainpain))))) My arms are hugging you really really tight!!!

I want to see that she is miserable

You all know how much I HATE "it". I came to realize that my obsessive stalking through cyber space was a defense mechanism. It was my way of trying to control the situation. New pictures pictures on social media would let me know if the A was on again. If it had a new man, a terminal illness or was dead, then I was safe. I just wanted to be safe in my M. My recovery began by closing my social network accounts.

But I also want to see that the baby is safe, that it is loved, that she has support, that my childrens' sibling is not in a desperate life

Has paternity been established? Are you hoping to see something in the pictures that will establish that this is NOT an OC? Let's hope so.

It's so mixed and muddled

Yes it is. In other words "A hot mess".

I hate that I am looking at OW to find validation. That is too ironic for words

You seem to be trying to make sense of it all.

BTW, my H, my family and some of my close friends, would have had me committed if they knew all that I had done in order to get intel on "it". It is not necessary for me to share that with my H. I did share it in therapies.

No, I take that back. It knew everything about me and wagged war against me. It launched a nasty campaign against me. I was under attack in a war that I was unaware of.

I honestly feel like if it weren't for the baby factor, I could file her away. But I feel like I have to keep myself prepared so I am not blind-sided again

Healing is a process. When you are strong enough, you will put her in her proper place.

LoveActually posted 5/14/2014 11:48 AM

No my husband doesn't know. Just like you said, I feel a lot of shame connected with the obsession too. Everyone seems to have moved on but me. I have thought about seeking help. I get so angry still that he and his actions put this person in my head for what could be a lifetime. I bring it up from time to time-he is always so sad and apologetic - I know how sorry he is but it still won't erase it from my mind - sucks.

MissesJai posted 5/14/2014 11:55 AM

Is it that you really truly cannot stop or is that you really truly do not want to stop? One usually acts as a veil for the other.


Jrazz posted 5/14/2014 11:57 AM

You don't have to feel shame about this - most of us have been there. I've certainly spent my fair share of time playing PI on the AP, but there wasn't an OC involved here and I can't fathom how that would feel.

The one thing you do have control over is looking her up online. It's addictive for sure.

I think about her every day. I creep her FB.

Here's how the cycle goes: Creep FB. Think about her more. Creep FB more. Think about her EVEN more. Creep FB EVEN more. Think about her ALL the damn time.

The FB has to go. It sounds scary in theory, but once you unplug I promise you will feel some relief right away. Come up with a contingency plan. When you feel like looking her up on FB, go to your room and read a chapter out of your favorite book. Or take a walk. Or a bath. Or go shopping. Do something where that brainspace is dedicated to you and you alone.

It's a long process, but if you force yourself out of it you will find that letting her go will become more and more natural.


plainpain posted 5/14/2014 12:03 PM

I know I need to stop, and I'm not stopping - can't or won't? I can, but I won't. Pain shopping. Knowledge is power. Looking for a shred of hope OC is not my H's. Pick it, it's probably true. I want "closure", but I can't imagine what that would look like. We just moved, you know? We left it all behind. My H doesn't need closure.. he just dropped her like a hot potato. I feel like he had a year to process it before I ever knew about it. I'm playing catch up. It's so gross. I don't know what the pay off is for me - I never feel better after seeing a new pic of her. I just think, wow, she's so NOTHING.

plainpain posted 5/14/2014 12:06 PM

Thanks Jrazz. I know you're right. I'll keep trying.

meplusfour posted 5/14/2014 12:12 PM


I used to spend hours creeping OW's children's Facebook pages, drive and park by her house. It affected my moods, my mental space and my time with my kids. You have taken the first step in recognizing that it is a problem and have the desire to address it.

Jrazz has great suggestions (as always). Take it one hour, one morning, one afternoon at a time. It takes time to break a habit and this is what it has become. Find other things to fill your mind, something enjoyable and meaningful to you. Read books, start a home renovation project such as painting or gardening~anything that keeps your mind and your hands occupied.

Finally, do you think it is the uncertainty as to whether OC is actually your husband's offspring? Do you have an outlet for these feelings? Would writing letters to the OC help you express your thoughts? Express how you are concerned about his life, your hope that he is cared for. Don't send the letters, but keep them in a box. If you are in IC, this might be worth bringing up.

Sending you grace, dignity and strength.

MartlArts posted 5/14/2014 12:16 PM


I have been guilty of the same thing. In my case, OW was an OEA, a long ago flame that sought out my H via sociall media under the guise of renewing 'friendshiip' but escalated behaviors until my H finally got it through his thick head something was off and stopped responding. He was too polite to block her though, so she continued to fish until I got involved and ran her off with threats and the means to blow up her comfortable life.

He essentiallly forgot about her when he decided to stop responding, but I obsessed about her and cyber~stalked her for quite awhile. And, like you and others have said, I now know WAY more about her than my H ever did. Part of my reasoning was to give me additional ammunition/contacts should she ever break NC. Part of it was trying to understand her motivations, I think. And part of it may have been because she asked nosy questions about me that were none of her business. (Fortunately, I could tell from the correspondence my H dodged the NOYB questions, much to her frustration.)

But I know/knew it wasn't healthy. My IC knew it wasn't healthy. OW is blocked now, but I've been through block/unblock cycles in the past. Good new is the blocked cycles are lasting longer. I really hope for your sake that OW stays in the past and doesn't contact. But I DO understand your obsession, especially with an OC in the mix.

tushnurse posted 5/14/2014 12:50 PM


I think a big part of your issue is there is so much unkown. You assume this baby is your spouses, but still have no real closure on it. She has made it obvious that she wants nothing to do with him. I would accept that as he probably isn't the father, after all why wouldn't she want CS? That makes no sense.

I too healed and 5 years out occasionally wonder what has happened to this homewrecking monster that flipped my world upside down. In fact I googled her the other day. Yup. Sure did. I allowed myself to waller in it for a full 15 minutes. Then I put it away.
It's a struggle for me because I never met her, or saw her in real life. Just pictures on my H's computer, and what I find on the internet. She lives in a different city, and she is like the mystical creature to me. Just like a rainbow farting unicorn, I tend to make her more than what she is.

I assume that she has had no major wake up calls, and her life has not changed, and she has probably continued to prey on men that are contemplating divorce as only a divorce attorney could. But I also know that My H chose me, he chose to accept the pain he caused, and he worked his ass off to figure out his why's and to heal himself. 99% of the time that is more than enough for me.

I would suggest that you really start to limit your exposure and head space with her.
Give yourself a reward system, and stick to it. Block her on social media. Don't peak for a day. When you can do that without struggling then build up to two days, then three. And each time you succeed you do something nice for you, and you alone. This is your war to fight. This is your ill to cure. Your rewards should be just for you.

Lastly, there are AD's that help with OCD behaviors, and it may just be part of the chemical changes you have undergone from the stress of your life in the past year that have made you compulsive about this. If so, consider talking to your Dr, or seeing a Psych and discussing trying some meds. It may just be that you need something to reset the chemical clock so to speak.

2married2quit posted 5/14/2014 13:32 PM

Guilty! Yep, me too. I used to much more but it's back again. Not as bad but back. I wish I could just forget him forever. He was my friend. I just want to ask him "WHY?". Knowing that my question would never be satisfied and plus, it's been 1.5yrs since the last broken NC. It would only re-open a scar.

So forever I'm left wondering. Wondering what my wife saw in him. Wondering why he went for it despite. Wondering what the hell they were thinking in their heads because BOTH are married.

ReunitePangea posted 5/14/2014 13:41 PM

plainpain - I wish I had some advise to help but I don't as I struggle with this too.

I actually find myself jealous that you have a FB to creep over. I have nothing on the OM that my WW had an LTA with - I don't even know what he looks like. But yet I still find myself obsessed.

I think this is somewhat normal for a BS but I don't know what to say to stop it or lesson it.

2married2quit posted 5/14/2014 14:10 PM

ReunitePangea Geez in your case I'd ask for more info. This guy in your mind could be larger than life itself. You may see that if you do meet him he's less threatening than you thought and my dilute your fixation.

I went to see OM one day (even though I've known him for years). In my mind I had re-created him after the A as the most threatening person in the world. When I saw him, I was amazed of how regular and non-threatening he was. How he was just joe-shmow. Almost stupid that my FWW had an A with him.

bionicgal posted 5/14/2014 14:34 PM

OW was a friend, and I still see her in passing weekly or biweekly. So, it is hard to completely forget about her. Also, she seems determined to foster friendships with mutual friends that she knew only tangentially before. She is an attention-whore, along with the other kind as well.

I have blocked her on fb, and have had strong urges to check lately, as it is affair season, and knowing her, she is not capable of not posting something maudlin or sappy about "love." I have stayed strong -- trying to keep it that way. It is hard though.

I think the thing is, that we think there is some meaning in who they chose, when there really isn't. If you are an alcoholic, it is like the difference between whiskey and scotch -- there are subtle shades of difference, but all the waywards are after is the high. The APs were available, and willing. They were nothing special, except the fact they were broken enough to do it.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:36 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]

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