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But *my* needs weren't being met either

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PositiveAttitude posted 5/13/2014 21:54 PM

Except I didn't go have an affair. I was neglected for years while work and his hobbies took him away.

I survived the time period during the early days when he was on websites still looking for the next best thing after we were engaged and living together.

I tolerated being treated like a maid, cook, chauffer, and nanny where my stepchild was concerned. I lived as a second class citizen in my own marriage and family where their wants and desires came before my legitimate needs.

His biggest complaints were that the house wasn't clean, and he didn't feel appreciated. When he started his affair I had an infant, a toddler, a young teenager and an older teenager. I was suffering from PPD and PMDD. My father had just passed away and my mother had just been diagnosed with cancer. Married to a man who worked 7 days a week.

Now in R, I wonder how much of that has really changed. He says he's lucky he never lost me. I feel sad that he's never really known me.

I don't want this post to be reflective of his A so much as of our M pre-A. Post-A M is competely different but my needs weren't being met pre-A, and now in R I can't even figure out what my "needs" are.

I survived year 1 - that was my only goal. So much has changed for me in that short period of time. I guess I'm going to spend year 2 figuring out what my needs truly are. Anyone else struggling with this?

outtanowhere posted 5/13/2014 22:06 PM

Aww honey, I hear you! This is what I am struggling with right now. H is bending himself into a pretzel trying to meet my needs but, I have so much resentment about how I was treated before that I'm having a hard time appreciating his efforts.

I resent that he spent hundreds of dollars going hunting every freaking weekend with the guys when i was left at home alone with barely enough money to buy groceries. I resented when he was invited to go fishing or fly three states away (at his own expense) to hunt and, he wouldn't give it a second thought. In the rare event that he was home for the weekend he always had *something* to do on the job so I didn't get to see him then either.

This resentment was not something I expected but, it's here and it's big. Right now I don't see how to push it aside so I can keep going.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 10:06 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]

PositiveAttitude posted 5/13/2014 22:14 PM

The one thing that burns me up was reading a blog tonight by a FWS that claimed that he (and inferred that MOST WS) cheated because their needs were/are going "unmet."

Yeah, but not every WS was the prefect Pre-A spouse dutifully meeting their future BS needs while having their own going unmet so that they HAD to find an AP to do it for them - except that's how I read it. I honestly think in the past my wh used this exact line of thinking to justify his actions.

Breezy150 posted 5/13/2014 22:44 PM

Right there with you both. Our marriage was a wreck, roommates on a good day, strangers on a bad day. The only good thing is that I see that now. I was too trusting and blind to see it before.

I don't care one little bit if their needs are not being met, if it's that bad then leave. Cheating is just killing someone slowly, or at least that is how it feels.

brokendancer7 posted 5/13/2014 23:16 PM

This was certainly true in my marriage. IC has opened my eyes about the aspects of my personality that allowed it. H pursued music opportunities for years, while I sat home. I truly thought he was fulfilling his artistic interests, which I wanted for him. If you love someone , you want them to be happy and fulfilled, right? Then he wanted to start teaching in the evenings. Well, ok, he is close to retirement, so maybe teaching is something he would enjoy as a second career. I wanted him to be happy and reach his goals. I never see him, but I'm a good wife. So what if he's crabby, and never has time to talk to me about the good things in my life, as well as my concerns about our marriage? Hold on, Broken, I kept telling myself, it will get better soon, when this semester is over, or when the show closes, or...

I have gobs of interests and hobbies and friends to do things with (like sewing and playing with their grandkids, not going to bars or anything). So I wasn't always bored, I was just shut out of my marriage. H was out getting his ego stroked, flirting, and trying to have affairs.

In the months preceding H's most recent A, my elderly father was dying. Two weeks after Dad's death, H started his A. My needs were to have a shoulder to cry on and a husband who tried to help me through the grief. His needs were to "forget about all the death and dying", have a 26 year old give him blow jobs and tell him what a great guy he was, while giving him a new pu$$y to fuck. After the fog lifted, all the blame he could lay on me was that I didn't "stand up for myself" and let him run over my needs too much. No joke.

Sorry for the long-winded answer. Your topic opens up one of my sorest sore spots.

Emmadean posted 5/13/2014 23:30 PM

I can relate so much to this. Our M pre-A was pretty crappy. I needed someone to be there for me and be emotionally supportive, and just love me. He says he needed more from me intimately. I admit I was sexually shutting myself off from him for years, and I don't totally know why. But I didn't cheat to get my needs met. He sometimes acts like I didn't have needs too. We were both in the same shitty marriage, we both had needs, but only one of us strayed to get them met.

Ostrich80 posted 5/14/2014 04:12 AM

Dammit this post just made me want to yell, YEA what about my .needs. I feel like this too. So many thoughts of why did he do it, what was I doing wrong. F**K him! My ws was a spoiled tantrum thrower who always got his way. I was on a good day, 4 or 5th on the priority list. His hobbies after rehab were balls to the wall. I would have 2 kids on my legs, a toddler in my arms and a screaming baby.in a swing trying to cook dinner, while dad was getting his 5 mile's on the treadmill and God forbid if I should ask for a hand during "his time". I walked on eggshells our entire M and not once did he ever ask, what do you need Ostrich. He thinks because he goes to work every day and supports the family that he's exempt from anything else at home. He s always said.I'm unorganized and have my head up my ass but.its because I take care of everyone's crap..except my own. So yes, my needs were not even considered and.I never went looking for someone to make me feel appreciated or valued.

Furious1 posted 5/14/2014 05:37 AM

My marriage prior to D-day sucked also. Right after D-day, I heard every excuse in the book about what *I* did to *cause* him to cheat. Excuse me, but if there was anyone in this marriage who was "justified" in cheating, it was me. BTW, I do not believe there is any justification for cheating.

I have found that I have been buried in just surviving my entire life. I have never had a chance to discover who I truly am. I've been working on it in IC.

TheBestMe posted 5/14/2014 07:28 AM

I survived year 1 - that was my only goal. So much has changed for me in that short period of time. I guess I'm going to spend year 2 figuring out what my needs truly are. Anyone else struggling with this?

ME...


marriage prior to D-day sucked also. Right after D-day, I heard every excuse in the book about what *I* did to *cause* him to cheat. Excuse me, but if there was anyone in this marriage who was "justified" in cheating, it was me. BTW, I do not believe there is any justification for cheating.
I have found that I have been buried in just surviving my entire life. I have never had a chance to discover who I truly am. I've been working on it...

ME TOO.

Branca posted 5/14/2014 09:12 AM

Resentment. A lot of it for good reason. Seems to me the aftermath of infidelity is a sort of catalyst for examining other aspects of the relationship too.

Can this person meet your needs and can you meet theirs? Are both of your needs within the realm of healthy, or do you each need to work on fixing yourselves to make the marriage viable? Some of the behaviours described so far in this thread that are unrelated to infidelity would actually be deal-breakers for me.

Ironic how I'm trying to R with a WH (well so long as he's willing to sincerely work towards being a FWH) and yet if he had done some of those other behaviours, such as spending money on himself and not providing for me, I think I would have been gone by now unless he agreed to deal with it, attend MC etc.

I guess many of us find ourselves in the situation of not just wondering if we can reconcile ourselves to staying with a cheater, but we also have to totally reassess the relationship to see if its worth saving. Perhaps some are, and some aren't.

I'm trying to figure out if mine is worth saving. So far i think it is worth giving it a shot. Sure, we had some 'issues' that needed addressing in our relationship pre-A, but none that were deal-breakers for me. Now having infidelity dropped on top of those other issues, it seems a huge mountain to climb. I guess we'll start with one step at at time.

Wishing you all as much clarity and strength as you can get!

[This message edited by Branca at 9:56 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)]

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