During the last week, we had another family member’s serious health scare (hence my last posting), it gave us time to think. A second time this year where someone close to us was ill. I think someone above was pointing out to us that we need to stop and reflect on the path. Time we needed to process so much that has happened over the last few years. Meditation and yoga are a wonderful thing.
As it is said, over and over on SI….3-5 years is the norm. This is so true. It takes time. I know it is a dreaded 4-letter word, but time is one of the major keys. The path to full healing is not a straight line; it is indeed a rollercoaster. Enjoy the highs, because you will need to cling to those during the lows. It took a long time to realize that. A very long time. But I understand the path now. The highs and lows now are not as extreme as they were a year or two ago. It takes time to rebuild what was lost so we don’t swing to either extreme as wildly.
Once my H finally took ownership of his brokenness and finally addressed ALL the demons, things changed. It took him so much time to finally agree to get help. I had to do some ‘toughlove’ and draw the proverbial line in the sand. I needed to heal myself completely. I needed time to finally realize that I had to be ready to just walk away knowing I did all I could to save our M. As I could not continue to cycle up and down due to his not addressing his issues fully. I had gotten as far as I could go. I was in a perpetual loop as he had not addressed what was broken inside him. If we were to move forward, it was his move or my checkmate. He decided that he was not ready to throw in the towel, and made the move I wish he had made two years ago. (We can bring the horse to water, but it is up to it to drink, it just takes a while sometimes to realize it is thirsty.) Once he did this, the AP became a non-existent human being to us both. That weight around his neck that threatened to drown him and I, was dropped to the bottom of the ocean. Because in the end, this person was/is nothing, nothing more than a part of and reflection of the sickness and what was broken in him. Once he was ready to truly face what was broken inside himself, true and complete healing truly started for him.
Then this last week his eyes were opened up in a whole different way, when a family member’s words mirrored his during the initial fallout of the A. The words, the lack of being anywhere near rationale…well…it severely hit him. Probably did more than anything either I or our counselor have ever been able to say. I realized that once and for all, he truly “got it”. One evening during all of this we had some time together and he just out of the blue stated “I really was ‘that’ sick, wasn’t I?” I told him yes. I told him that even at the time of our initial MC sessions, as angry as I was, my first thought was still of him. That something was very wrong with his perceptions and rationale when he was answering questions. He is intelligent and rational, and everything he did and said at that time went against that in him. I was worried for him, worried what he may do to himself at that point. He was that far down the rabbit hole that all of his perceptions of his life were so completely skewed. Even at the moments after impact. It was the strong bond that we have had all these years that still had me worried about him at that point. I could not walk away or make any decision until I knew he was at least ok….it was just something I felt I needed to do at that point. No matter if we R or D.
We spoke about brokenness. That we as humans seek like company. It is part of our social makeup, instinct over many millenniums to our species. Our friends are a lot like us if we stop to really think about it. We look to what mirrors us at different times in our lives. He was afraid at the time to discuss any brokenness he was feeling with me, as he perceived it as a sign of weakness and men are not suppose to be weak, they don’t cry, they hold it in, they are suppose to be strong enough to handle it all (FOO issue). So when H was at a ‘broken’ time in his life, well ‘broken’ sought him and together there was brokenness. This was the realization that almost destroyed him once the fog lifted. The veil of it was gone, and he saw in the true light of day what he had done, the nuclear impact, and the full scope and landscape of it all. Impacts that lasted years, and continue in small ways to impact our lives still. It took him a very long to finally realize and accept the fact that he needed to completely address this in a healthy way. He is still to this day so amazed that I did not walk away, that I stayed strapped into the rollercoaster and rode it through with him. (Talk about an e-ticket) Many times he said it probably would have been easier for me if I had walked away, that he would understand and never hold it against me, as what he did was just so unforgivable. But I love this man, I loved our life together, I was not willing to give it all up without a proverbial fight.
Was this road easy? Not by ANY stretch of the imagination. R is some very difficult work. (insert sarcasm). There have been serious ups and downs. Times where missteps were taken by both of us, words misconstrued, trust issues, TT, health scare due to STD, etc…you name it….we went through some difficult things. But guess what??
We are still here.
We are still together.
We still laugh
We still enjoy each other
We are making wonderful future plans
We are happy!!