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My thoughts are still all over the place. I don't really want to mark this antiversary but I can feel it. The weather is the same. It's starting to get warm. I remember. The pit in my stomach is smaller, but it is still there. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night with heart pounding, sweating.

I see my WH with different eyes. I look back over 25 years and know I was never protected with him. His needs and wants first. Him protecting himself and his behaviors took priority over my pain. He is changing with IC and finally looking at himself but it is not enough for me right now. He is not "fixed". I don't know if it will ever be enough for me. I just don't know.

Sometimes I look at small houses for sale and imagine I live there with my son. Affordable to me. A smaller life. And it feels peaceful. I wonder if this is what I am supposed to do.

A year now. Not so much interested in the AP or the details of what happened anymore, but looking at the person I married. Looking at the father of my son. Looking at 25 years. Wondering if this is where I should be.

(((seenow))) The first antiversary is HARD. From what I gleaned of your story from a quick scan, I think your feelings are very normal. It takes a LONG time to reconcile, and that's with both the FWS & the BS working hard.

I think when you've got to deal with years and years of deception, hurts, poor treatment (feeling distance in the relationship, WS being more irritable, etc. etc.), and so forth, the task of R becomes rather Herculean. You have to process all the lies; memories percolate up from your mind and you see them with new eyes with the benefit of the truth.

I fully understand the allure of the 'small house/smaller life' daydream. I think you'd be nuts if you didn't think that way from time to time. You're in a marathon; it's natural for your mind to seek escape.

That said, you said your FWH is in IC and working on himself. Are you also in MC?

I believe people can change. Silly me, I already had a master's degree in counseling coming into this mess, so I had long ago embraced that notion...talk about the acid test, though! So long as your FWH is committed to continued IC and evolving as a human being, there's hope in my book.

You're not likely at the point yet where you can commit to look forward more than you look back. However, if your FWH is open, honest, consistent, and reliable, over time you will begin to develop trust again. There will be hiccups in that trust; it's not a straight trajectory in my experience. R is like a game of Chutes & Ladders as is the rebuilding of trust. Both take what seems like waaaaaaaay too much time....hmmm, much like I remember the childhood board game "Life" taking. Time will march on, though, and if your FWH is remorseful and working on himself and your relationship, you will be in a much better place.

When I was where you're at, my credo was to talk about the things that lived with me, such as the waking up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding, or feeling a sick feeling due to some trigger or another. I had what in my mind I thought of as a scorched earth policy: I didn't visit this hell on myself, so why should I have to shoulder it myself? What's the worst thing my bringing up the pain would do? Make him cheat? Hahahahaha ....too late for that, so screw it, I'd speak up. That's what I found healthiest for me and our R efforts.

Best of luck and lots of strength to you!

Thank you so much sad12008. I am feeling very down today. Your words helped. THANK YOU!!!!

Just got back from getting my hair trimmed. It's been many months and the hairdresser mentioned my "trauma hair" growing back. She didn't know that's what it was, just that I had a lot of shorter hair coming in. Damn if I didn't start crying right there. Awkward.

Hi seenow,

My antiversary is barreling towards me (6 weeks to be exact ). I wish I didn't know what an antiversary even was!

((Hugs))

sad12008 - great advice/post. Thank you

I am nearly where you are as well and have many of the same thoughts. The reality of my life day to day is that I am still in limbo. I am not committed to anything R or D. I go through the motions of R and then decide to D and then back. The one upside is that this far into it, I am more numb so each up and down no longer has the same impact that it did in the beginning (it still hurts but just differently). The one thing that I hope for is some sort of closure, some sort of decision. I cannot seem to make one that I stick to. I hope that with time, my life gets sorted out (I know that I need to participate and be active and work on it, but I do not have the energy or desire to do so). I focus on my kids, on my family (not WH) and on my career. Those things are thankfully good despite all that I have been through in this past year and I am incredibly grateful for that.