Side note: I have responded to a few of your posts in the last day or so, really not following you :O)
But I think the majority of times the betrayed is *hearing* that the wayward wants R, but they aren't seeing it in the waywards *actions*. The BS still doesn't fully trust, they are seeing red flags, and they don't want to keep playing detective, but they still have reasons that they SHOULD be playing detective..
I think most betrayed spouses finally call it quits when they figure out the "R" the WS is promising is isn't a true R and smells more like hoovering/blameshifting/rugsweeping/etc...
After all, my ex "wanted to R" too, you know, in the way he also gets to keep his sidepiece..
Then I found the personal email to his new secretary and that was the last straw.
I pulled away, thought I could live in a platonic marriage for the kids.
Didn't like the person it was making me, nor the cockiness he acted...like he can get away with anything.
So I told WH I wanted a separation, told the kids and why.
Now secretly seeing a lawyer and I think am close to serving him.
What crumbs he did throw my way were not remorse and for the most part he treated me very badly, it went far past the behavior he demonstrated with previous As but this whore is the biggest viper and by far the most evil he has been involved with. She wanted to destroy my marriage and went to great lengths to divide him from me, our older children and his own family.
I really did want R though, I was hoping he would tell her to go back to hell where she was spawned but he didn't. I was done when I finally accepted what I already knew in my heart that he was living with her and her kids and parents. That was just too much. I stayed in hopeful limbo from May to February and it was excruciatingly painful.
Would u have wanted to S or D if he was truly remorseful?
Separated March 2014
Kintsukuroi: the art of repairing broken pottery with gold and silver laquer, and understanding that it is more beautiful for having been broken
That wasn't my situation, so I probably don't give the best advice here, but I've seen someone's tagline that reads, "One D-Day was too many for me."
So I think the answer to your question would be "yes." There have been truly remorseful waywards, but it was still a dealbreaker for the betrayed..
I guess I'm curious if you are asking this question for yourself.. Is he acting remorseful, but you still want a divorce? And you aren't sure what to do?
Sometimes you don't realize there are dealbreakers in there until you get all of the trickle truth. Considering ALL the lies and bullcrap I took from him while he was in his affairs, I wish I would have considered those dealbreakers. But a month after D-Day, I found out he involved the kids in his affair, forcing them to lie to me. THAT was my dealbreaker/wake-up call.
But anything can be a dealbreaker. Any type of EA or PA is a betrayal of the marriage and therefore breaks the contract.
It's okay to give up on the marriage you had. It's gone anyway. He broke it.
Now you ask yourself if you want a new marriage with this guy you are looking at.. It's okay to say "no." Maybe I live in a fairy tale, but Prince Charming never cheated on Cinderella, and I want to be Cinderella dammit..
And I would ONLY tell you to say "yes" to still wanting this guy if he was doing seriously EVERYTHING he is supposed to be. When you post concerns, make sure you take your blinders off and really listen to whether the posters think he is being remorseful or not. It's so hard to tell when you are in the middle of it...
I tried R and called it quits 10 years later when I caught him trying to start up with another OW.
My STBX may truly be remorseful, but I had a duty as a parent to protect my kids (STBX was arrested for attempted solicitation of a minor). I didn't and don't think he's a danger to the kids, but there is a 1% chance he could be, and that's too much of a risk to knowingly take. So for me it was an easy decision.
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
I am not sure he even knows what he wants but I do know for me... 5 years of this crazy train is enough.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"
Mine claimed to "try" but didn't do anything differently, kept finding him in lies, "white lies because they would hurt me" ASSHOLE.
Even after the papers were filed, "I wonder if you would ever take me back"...."No, never".
Took me 3 years to finally call it quits.
I knew five days after DDay that I was done. He told me that he had had unprotected sex with the OW, and that was it for me. I found him physically repellant and knew that we could never be anything more than roommates.
I guess he did me a favor. No false R, second DDays, etc. I ripped the band-aid off.