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Curious to how many here are those whose were cheated on but your WS wanted to R?
And if you tried to R, when did you finally call it quits?

Raised hand! He desperately wants R. We are in the same house still. I almost filed yesterday, but chickened out because a small part still wants R, but I feel I need to D. He did this when we were living together, but not married yet. So, he CHOSE that it was ok to decide he would never do it again, marry me, and not tell me. I found out well after it had happened. I guess he decided R for us without me knowing, which led to marriage. So yeah, he wanted that, but I am too damaged from it to probably still be with him.

Side note: I have responded to a few of your posts in the last day or so, really not following you :O)

Of course there are waywards who truly, really, really want to R and are doing everything perfect and are the epitome of remorseful, but it's still a dealbreaker for the BS..

But I think the majority of times the betrayed is *hearing* that the wayward wants R, but they aren't seeing it in the waywards *actions*. The BS still doesn't fully trust, they are seeing red flags, and they don't want to keep playing detective, but they still have reasons that they SHOULD be playing detective..

I think most betrayed spouses finally call it quits when they figure out the "R" the WS is promising is isn't a true R and smells more like hoovering/blameshifting/rugsweeping/etc...

After all, my ex "wanted to R" too, you know, in the way he also gets to keep his sidepiece..

My WH wanted R.
But I never felt it for long and it never felt like true remorse from him.
His remorse came with "but you have to take some of the blame"
And his niceness would not last long.

Then I found the personal email to his new secretary and that was the last straw.

I pulled away, thought I could live in a platonic marriage for the kids.
Didn't like the person it was making me, nor the cockiness he acted...like he can get away with anything.

So I told WH I wanted a separation, told the kids and why.

Now secretly seeing a lawyer and I think am close to serving him.

X never really decided. He liked limbo. I did not. I gave it more than 2 years then got pregnant unintentionally (at least on my part). Decided limbo wasn't a possibility anymore.

In the past he did. Of course this time he maintains all the crazy behavior for 6 months before leaving to live with her wasn't an affair...I know better as does everyone else...but on round 4 he didn't want R. He was tired of me fighting him tooth and nail. I refused to accept the behavior or the lies. I wouldn't hide his dirt anymore either, so no R this time.

What crumbs he did throw my way were not remorse and for the most part he treated me very badly, it went far past the behavior he demonstrated with previous As but this whore is the biggest viper and by far the most evil he has been involved with. She wanted to destroy my marriage and went to great lengths to divide him from me, our older children and his own family.

I really did want R though, I was hoping he would tell her to go back to hell where she was spawned but he didn't. I was done when I finally accepted what I already knew in my heart that he was living with her and her kids and parents. That was just too much. I stayed in hopeful limbo from May to February and it was excruciatingly painful.

I'll reword. Whose WS actually acted remorseful and showed truly wanted to R, cut off Ap and you STILL wanted to D?

Would u have wanted to S or D if he was truly remorseful?

Mine says he was to R. But has made no actions towards it that I can see. He still lives with his COW, still works with her. And meets me for coffee to talk on the sly. He has never blame shifted or lied about any of this. He said from the beginning "I am so stupid, I cannot believe I am doing this to you. I just can't seem to stop. I am sorry. You deserve so much better...blah blah blabity f*cking blah"
I am trying very hard not to even consider the possibility unless he corrects those. After all, "words are wind". Not the easiest thing to keep off my mind though.

Would u have wanted to S or D if he was truly remorseful?

That wasn't my situation, so I probably don't give the best advice here, but I've seen someone's tagline that reads, "One D-Day was too many for me."

So I think the answer to your question would be "yes." There have been truly remorseful waywards, but it was still a dealbreaker for the betrayed..

I guess I'm curious if you are asking this question for yourself.. Is he acting remorseful, but you still want a divorce? And you aren't sure what to do?

Sometimes you don't realize there are dealbreakers in there until you get all of the trickle truth. Considering ALL the lies and bullcrap I took from him while he was in his affairs, I wish I would have considered those dealbreakers. But a month after D-Day, I found out he involved the kids in his affair, forcing them to lie to me. THAT was my dealbreaker/wake-up call.

But anything can be a dealbreaker. Any type of EA or PA is a betrayal of the marriage and therefore breaks the contract.

It's okay to give up on the marriage you had. It's gone anyway. He broke it.

Now you ask yourself if you want a new marriage with this guy you are looking at.. It's okay to say "no." Maybe I live in a fairy tale, but Prince Charming never cheated on Cinderella, and I want to be Cinderella dammit..

And I would ONLY tell you to say "yes" to still wanting this guy if he was doing seriously EVERYTHING he is supposed to be. When you post concerns, make sure you take your blinders off and really listen to whether the posters think he is being remorseful or not. It's so hard to tell when you are in the middle of it...

After first d-day, my WS was extremely remorseful, begged for R, cut off OW, was willing to walk on broken glass in bare feet, offered post nup giving me $$$ of his sole property.

I tried R and called it quits 10 years later when I caught him trying to start up with another OW.

He wanted to R. We didn't attempt it because I wouldn't go for it. Asked him to leave on D-Day, told him not to come back one week later on D-Day 2.

My STBX may truly be remorseful, but I had a duty as a parent to protect my kids (STBX was arrested for attempted solicitation of a minor). I didn't and don't think he's a danger to the kids, but there is a 1% chance he could be, and that's too much of a risk to knowingly take. So for me it was an easy decision.

I have no idea.. He say's he tired to "R" that he gave 80% to it and it was just not good enough for me. But, the whole time he was still in contact with OW and doing shit he shouldn't have. He thinks because he isn't sleeping with OW then he is not in the wrong and that I was in the wrong to look at this phone and I could not be trusted... Then he wanted to try again and moved me back home after promising me NC with OW but then when I move back home he started the WH behavior and I saw more text but under "work"....

I am not sure he even knows what he wants but I do know for me... 5 years of this crazy train is enough.

Me, I'm one. My D-Day was november 1st, and WH has been doing 90% of things right. But it's not enough. It's like I'm looking for things for him to screw up to show me what exactly life in our future will be like so I know if I want to remain and can trust R. For example, when due to his school schedule we had to cancel a month of counseling, I expected he would arrange other times to attend. Nope. He didn't. Is it crazy that this could be the deal breaker? That I think this shows he is truely not in R 100%? I'm considering calling it quits. I want to be married, but I don't want this pain. I wonder if without him, the pain will be less.

I went through Reconcile, no reconcile, reconcile, to me finally throwing his ass out, after I found out he had continued a "friendship" with a female boss at work. (he cheated with a prior female boss who was fired)

Mine claimed to "try" but didn't do anything differently, kept finding him in lies, "white lies because they would hurt me" ASSHOLE.

Even after the papers were filed, "I wonder if you would ever take me back"...."No, never".

Took me 3 years to finally call it quits.

Mine "wanted" to, but I put that in quotes because I think he wanted to R not only on his terms (which meant I'd shoulder the blame and change my terrible ways, playing the "pick me" dance) but also because he was afraid of the financial ramifications of the D. It must have killed him to give me what he did in the settlement.

I knew five days after DDay that I was done. He told me that he had had unprotected sex with the OW, and that was it for me. I found him physically repellant and knew that we could never be anything more than roommates.

I guess he did me a favor. No false R, second DDays, etc. I ripped the band-aid off.

Me ( I think ). He has done everything right, but I can't forget it and don't want to live in a marriage knowing he cared so little and did this. He is fully doing everything, but it doesn't erase it. My mindset is more like why should I have to settle for being a cheated-on wife.