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Struggling2014 posted 5/14/2014 10:02 AM

How long did it take before affection was shown, or even being intimate again?

Its been 5 weeks, and we are in separate rooms and he has kissed me 3 times. But he wont hold my hand, and has not kissed me in over a week.

Besides lacking affection, intimacy he still hugs me lots, and tells me that he loves me. But I am missing the affection, and I want him to move back into our room.

I am wondering from your personal experiences when did these things happen?

remorsefulww posted 5/14/2014 12:05 PM

At first BH couldn't touch me much less even look at me for about 3 weeks and even after that it was few and far between.

Your BH needs time and space and will let you know when he's ready to take that leap. Have you tried to hold his hand or show him affection? You dont want to smother him, but you also need to show him you still love him.

When I would try there were times BH would tell me not to touch him and to back off and I did. Yes, it hurt like hell, but I understood that it's what he needed and wanted and I had to respect that.

It takes time,patience, and a lot of hard work. Are you in mc and ic?

Aubrie posted 5/14/2014 12:10 PM

Some couples experience immediate HB. (Hysterical bonding) Some don't.

About 2 hours after I confessed, QS couldn't keep his hands off me. It came and went. There were times he was ravenous, but he wasn't really present.I don't know how to describe it. He was mechanical. He would go thru the motions, but nobody was home. He was numb. He was scratching an itch.

I reached for his hand. I leaned in for the kiss. He returned them. Which is more than some BHs do. He told me much later there were so many times he hated me. So many times he didn't want me. But he participated because he knew I would ask if he was ok, and he didn't wanna talk about it, he didn't want to feel the hurt. So he covered it up in a way. Dunno if that makes sense.

Please be gentle and don't push. So very many BSs experience mind movies. They "see" the WS with the AP. Intimacy and affection are incredibly hard to get thru when those images are flashing thru their minds.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 12:11 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]

1bigidiot79 posted 5/15/2014 10:13 AM

How long did it take before affection was shown, or even being intimate again?

We are approaching 10 months and so far my BS has not been able to show me any affection. None. She does allow me to kiss her on the forehead as she lays down for the night and I leave the room. I try to touch her in a loving way (hug, shoulder rub etc.) anytime I can but she never reciprocates. It's very hard to take. I'm not blaming her but it's very hard.

5 weeks is nothing. Keep trying. Hang in there.

islesguy posted 5/15/2014 10:42 AM

I am in the same place as 1bigidiot79. There is no affection from her at all and she is very squimish when I touch her in any way. It has been 2+ years this way. Like 1bigidiot79 said, I don't blame her for this. It is not her choice to feel this way. I put those disturbing images in her head and her reactions are genuine natural responses now because of my behavior and choices. She is certainly not reacting this way to purposely try to hurt me.

lostlove7 posted 5/17/2014 08:54 AM

Each couple is different and each BS responds differently. For about two weeks after I came clean, there was hysterical bonding. Once that ended he couldn't stand the thought of my touching him and when i would try I would be subject to nasty remarks. It hurts and I want nothing more than to even hold his hand but I know he needs time... My BH hasn't told me he loves me. I tell him all the time but he isn't in the place to reciprocate. It's hard but keep trying to show your BS that you are there and that if they need time you understand. Listen to their requests, forgo your own at this time. Be strong. Be patient.

SoSorry17 posted 5/17/2014 11:33 AM

I am in the same boat. My BH and I have only been intimate once since d-day. While it was nice, a night without the kids and I made one of his favs for dinner. I felt and could almost see the distance in his body and eyes. I tried one other time and he got sick and ran from the room.

I recently messed up bad and he will not even let me touch him. It hurts but I know it is my fault.

soosorrymom posted 5/17/2014 12:16 PM

Almost 6 months post DDay and BH only showed it twice . He said after second time he felt he was doing something wrong.
The other night I tried just laying my head on him but he moved away .
It's painful but I understand . I hope in time it will change