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badchoice posted 5/14/2014 10:08 AM

Not backsliding into A behavior, but backsliding out of NC with BW. It is such a hard thing to avoid (well maybe not as hard as I think), but we have been talking a lot lately about non-kid finance matters, and I woke up this morning feeling like it has to stop, or at least pull it back a little.

But then I think that I am being selfish. If I tell BW that we shouldn’t talk about her job search or struggles, I am being selfish, and putting my needs before hers.

Here is an example.

BW came over to drop off some of the kid’s stuff for an exchange, and we started talking about her stress over a job interview that was coming up. That conversation turned into a conversation about how she has re-created her relationship with her dad over and over again in her life, even in the present time with a friend who is staying with her right now. She started to cry, and I put my hand on her shoulder to comfort her, after a few minutes she told me that she doesn’t feel safe with me and to please stop doing that, and I did. We kept on talking though, and I leave that conversation feeling really mixed up.

We continue to have more conversations about her current problems, and I keep thinking in my head, if she doesn’t feel safe with me, why do we keep talking. I know her emotions are all over the place, so I don’t blame her for feeling like I can help sometimes, and then once she opens herself up to me it hits her – she doesn’t trust me. But what do I do?

With all of the contact, I am starting to dream about BW again. Starting to think about her more and more each day, the obsessive thoughts of how to win her back are back in my head. I worked so hard to distance myself, and now that detachment is gone.

Obsessive behavior example: We spent the better part of mother’s day together with the kids and grandparents. On the way home BW mentioned what se wanted for her birthday. Now mind you, birthdays are a huge trigger for her because of FOO, and because of that, giving her any gifts was really hard. I never could pick the right thing, etc. So after I dropped her off I thought to myself, “ wouldn’t it be great to run out and get it for her for mother’s day”. So I did, and two stores later I found the one she wanted, delivered it to her, and left feeling like I did good. As I was mid way through this, I started to think to myself – did I do this to show her I care, or did I do this to show her how great I am and or can be?? The simple answer is I just don’t know. The second guessing myself is just part of my cycle with BW.

I would love some advice. I know my situation is different since I am not in R, have been told there is no way R will happen, but I am trying to balance S and distance along with a working relationship with my BW, all while respecting her boundaries and needs, along with mine.

Any thoughts on what I should do, or advice on NC? Should I firm up the boundaries again, or am I being selfish?

tired girl posted 5/14/2014 12:29 PM

I think you know mentally exactly what you should be doing. It is your heart and your emotions that are getting in the way. She obviously had no problems telling you when you stepped over her boundary. Why are you having trouble telling her when she is stepping over yours by her talking to you about her personal problems? You stopped being her go-to person awhile ago. Put the boundaries back up and do what you need to do.

badchoice posted 5/15/2014 00:15 AM

TG - thanks.

yes, in my head I know what i should do. My heart and emotions are still not ready to let go. I keep thinking I have gotten so far, but then things like this happen, and I realize how much more I have to do.

thanks again.

tired girl posted 5/15/2014 01:20 AM

By her doing this, it really border on being emotionally abusive. Don't let her do it. She knows she should not be using you as her emotional crutch, yet she does it. Detach and be safe for yourself. Keep it to kids and finances. This is what is healthy for you.