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Paying the price as a b.s. - further down the road

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GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 5/14/2014 11:04 AM

Quick thought came across my mind on another thread. As bs's we know the results of cheating on our psyche:

1. Anger
2. Depression sometimes suicidal
3. Inability to trust
4. Maybe anxieties
5. Sometimes job losses and career problems
6. Perhaps a turn to drugs or alcohol

So with those in mind, what have you experienced later, that perhaps you didnt even anticipate?

Heres a few ive bumped into:
I avoid public places and gatherings - NEVER a problem before
Trouble reading. I can focus on things for long periods but i was an avid reader before and i just cant seem to focus on books anymore :(

I knew i would be faced with issues and the ones i knew about i have handled fairly well i guess...its the ones that jumped up out of no where that have me freaked out....

MinorBee posted 5/14/2014 11:11 AM

I avoid public places and gatherings - NEVER a problem before

Yup, still have issues with large crowds.
Trouble reading. I can focus on things for long periods but i was an avid reader before and i just cant seem to focus on books anymore :(

This WAS an issue for me for about two years post DDay as reading, especially any type of fiction, seemed a silly pastime with my whole world crumbling.

Now, more years out than I care to remember, I am back to reading, if not public spaces.

Some things come back slower than others,depending on the person, give it all time.

sad12008 posted 5/14/2014 11:15 AM

Depression diagnosis disqualified me for life insurance....which struck me as terribly stupid given that a seriously depressed person who DOESN'T seek help would seem to present a far higher risk!

Cynicism. I was always an optimistic, upbeat person; trusting and evidently also naive. Bam! That's gone....well, I'm still optimistic and generally upbeat, but now I'm such a cynic. I sneer at character witnesses. I think snarky things when people say what a great person this man or that man is or was. I wonder what don't we know about people.

Truth be told, I always felt that no one should be judged in any way by their upbringing or family; however, now that thinking's a bit modified. For example, I'd be very leery if one of my kids came home as an adult saying they wanted to marry someone from a very disrupted background. My fear is 'what hurts would this person want to medicate' in the future? Don't beat me up about it...I recognize that it's a generalization and as such, fundamentally unfair. However, it's a residual trust issue for sure.

Maybe these aren't that surprising...

tryinginmi posted 5/14/2014 11:29 AM

I am almost four years out.

Loss of joy. I still laugh and have the ability to enjoy the moment, but I have lost the true joy in life.

Loss of passion. I no longer have the driving passion I once had for so many things in life. This includes projects, my farm, and even relationships.

Cynicism

I also do not like large groups or gatherings. I become very anxious and then say stupid things because I just want to escape.

Holidays. I cannot stand them. I don't want to celebrate or be around family and the stress that it causes.

I know I have out up a wall around myself. Even my children are on the outside. I have all boys. I look at my oldest two and wonder if they are goin to grow up to be just like their dad. It makes me want to walk away now when I see the selfishness show through.

rachelc posted 5/14/2014 11:35 AM

Trouble reading. I can focus on things for long periods but i was an avid reader before and i just cant seem to focus on books anymore :(

this in particular - fiction. And this has been a huge concern of mine BECAUSE IT'S MY JOB. I suspect it has to do with low grade depression.

Also, we took our DS to the dr yesterday. He got a good report back on a progressive disease. It registered about a 1 on the Richter scale for me. And it should have been an 8. That said, these are all MY issues, married to hubby or not.

Gardenerinpain posted 5/14/2014 12:19 PM

Loss of joy. I still laugh and have the ability to enjoy the moment, but I have lost the true joy in life.

Loss of passion. I no longer have the driving passion I once had for so many things in life. This includes projects, my farm, and even relationships.

^^ Both of these. I was always a happy and optimistic person, but not now.

I have always loved to garden and grow flowers and vegetables from seed. I didn't plant a single seed this year. And last fall, I had to force myself to plant some bulbs for the spring.

I hope someday the joy and passion will return.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 5/14/2014 12:20 PM

Agreed that they are our issues, keep in perspective they werent our issues before. I will overcome these i know, and that will happen in time...im more curious about the impact whether reconciling or not that the severe trauma of infidelity has in terms of the betrayed. Part of it is curiosity but part of it is also the common experience...

Pudding posted 5/14/2014 12:22 PM

I hate after works drinks and avoiding making close friendships at work

crazyblindsided posted 5/14/2014 12:25 PM

2 Years out and I really identified with this...

Loss of joy. I still laugh and have the ability to enjoy the moment, but I have lost the true joy in life.

Loss of passion. I no longer have the driving passion I once had for so many things in life. This includes projects, my farm, and even relationships.

Cynicism

Life is different now. I wonder if it is because fWH will always be that reminder for me. I certainly hope not. What I have gained is great friends from all of this. I am very thankful for them.

But my overall lack of passion and flair for life has dimmed.

Acer0112 posted 5/14/2014 12:36 PM

I'm not that far along, but here are some things I definitely noticed not enjoying or changed about me so far:

1. I can't watch relationship movies that have infidelity in them. Have to change it right away.

2. Passions definitely - I just want to sit home sometimes - maybe that's the depression.

3. Banned FB - too many posts about how happy everyone is.

64fleet posted 5/14/2014 12:47 PM

Some of this seems permanent-I haven't read a a book in years, I just can't focus that long. I have never really liked large crowds, now I avoid them like the plague-I got real antsy at a theme park just 2 wks ago.
Got no passion for anything any longer.

sportsfan posted 5/14/2014 12:54 PM

Interesting topic GMLB.

I am almost 10 years post dday - these are a few of the lingering changes that were most definitely caused by the A;

* the sense or internal fire that I want to do something important in my life no longer burns,
* like others have stated I also avoid large crowds, parties, reunions, concerts, pro sporting events,
* the drive to be the best that i can be in my profession has dwindled to making due,
* most of the activities that I do I do alone (golf, home projects, travel, etc),
* I rarely engage in simple, healthy debates anymore as I hardly care to summon the energy,
* I will drink alone more often - not so much to get drunk rather just to kill time,
* I stopped coaching youth sports which I did for decades although I have continued to work with our high school ice hockey team,
* other than to my sisters I rarely reach out to life-long friends anymore which was very, very important to me,
* I havenít finished a book in years (used to be an avid reader of biographies),
* it takes everything I have to finish a home project although lately iíve completed several.

I would caution anyone here to be mindful that the above can be habit forming. If you sense these things happening to you please push through the urge to pull back and instead move forward.

Ostrich80 posted 5/14/2014 12:55 PM

I used to be a die hard optimist...now that glass is half empty and I really wish I wasn't like this. I've also lost passion for life, love, and pretty much everything else. I just don't have the drive to start anything and certainly don't finish anything I do start. I feel like I've become an assessor of people...trying to determine if they are in the cheating realm...judgemental I guess and I'm not liking that about myself..

rachelc posted 5/14/2014 12:58 PM

ok, the question becomes, how do we make our lives better? Is this a permanent broken thing?

heartbroken2012 posted 5/14/2014 13:02 PM

All the things that were said, but I have found that I have to look away when I see infidelity on tv, but also sex. I find it disgusting now...I guess because I think of him and her.

Game of Thrones is really hard to watch because of this lol

wifehad5 posted 5/14/2014 13:30 PM

I'm over seven years out, and I find myself much more at peace in all areas of my life. Triggers don't hold any power over me. It took time, but I've processed things. I'm at peace

annb posted 5/14/2014 13:39 PM

Nine years out.....


...depression

...PTSD (probably the worst of it)

...cynical

...social anxiety

...avoidance of people and places (has gotten better)

...low self-esteem

...lack of concentration


I did lose a great deal of joy after D-Day, especially around the holidays, but it has come back and I have done really well not "faking" it for my children.

I also could not read very much for the longest of time, but since we moved to another state, and I really don't know anyone here, one of the things I like to do is visit the library and read. It has been a life saver for me.

I also isolated myself from my family and friends for years, but that has changed as well, and I'm so glad. Unfortunately, a couple of my friends are now dealing with infidelity. Sucks because it's everywhere.

LostSamurai posted 5/14/2014 13:48 PM

Lost the desire to be with people, friends, and family.

Don't want to go to church or family events.
Hate holidays and my birthday.

At times don't want to talk to women at all and at times I want to look for a woman just to sleep with. (just being honest)

Lost interest in martial arts to a certain degree. Slowly coming back. Don't like to leave the house.

Can't stop looking at some women and saying, "I bet she would never cheat on me."

Just thought of some others.
Feeling this bubbling rage that makes me want to just go crazy.

The feeling that you are alone when separated and people feel like it is your fault your in this mess, or when people act like I should just give up makes me feel depressed.

Feeling anger towards OP and feeling like you can't do anything about it but just sit like a bump on a log.

Seeing in-laws and feeling in your mind alienated.

Putting on a fake smile just so people won't ask if things are ok.

And thought of some more.
Having the feeling like no relationship with me will ever work after this, because all the baggage.

I am sure there are more.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 1:57 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]

LiedtoLucy posted 5/14/2014 14:11 PM

* I have left several friendships behind because I didn't wNt them to know what a douche my FWH was during the A. After D-Day I couldn't put on a happy face and pretend everything was ok.. so I just stopped talking to them. One is a childhood friend whom I work with every day.

*I no longer watch TV or movies unless it is family friendly and with the kids.

* I second guess myself on decisions and opinions ALL the time.

WinterBranch posted 5/14/2014 15:35 PM

Yeah, pretty much everything LostSamurai said, just switch the gender pronouns. I hope these will not be permanent changes, but who knows at this point.

One thing I DO know...I am mad as all get-out that these things I suffer as a result of another person's actions.

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