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ex Inlaws and your new beginning

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lost4now posted 5/14/2014 14:59 PM

Do your ex-in-laws stay in touch with you since your divorce was final?

I am just curious to read some responses as to how your relationships with them have or have not continued.

I used to live next door to my inlaws. Not that I saw them daily but we did have regular contact. I now live 15 minutes away. I don't see them. They don't contact me. My MIL occasionally calls my two teenage daughters. Outside of that, nothing!!!!

My exH is living with the OW who helped dismantle my marriage and my ex-in-laws have met her and she now takes my place at family functions. I feel invisible!!! I'm not sad. I realized this might happen and that I might feel this. It is just a bit hard to get used to.

What has been your experience?

Thanks!!!

Sad in AZ posted 5/14/2014 15:52 PM

After I moved out, I spoke to my former SIL. She had been very supportive during the whole ordeal. We said we'd keep in touch, but she didn't mean it. She is the 'matriarch' of the X's family and will be loyal to a fault to him. I really did expect this. One of his brother's wanted to be my best friend after I moved to his city, but he's an out and out loon (Seriously. I could write a book about him alone. In fact, he is featured in a book written about a friend of his, and believe me, it's not flattering ) The other brother, who encouraged, facilitated and participated in the X's A (his OW became a good friend of the X's OW) dropped off the face of the earth as far as I was concerned, and I'm fine with that.

That's all the family the X has.

jo2love posted 5/14/2014 18:00 PM

My sister's "X"il's were a minimal part of our lives right after the D. It increased over time. I put the X in quotes since legally they are X, but it doesn't feel like it. My xbil doesn't see his child. So his parents/sister's "x"il's see my nephew often (overnights, come to watch him play sports, concerts, etc...). We celebrate holidays together. They are some of the nicest people I have met. It's probably not a typical situation, but it works. Heck, they sent me a mother's day card.

eta - I don't hear from my xwbf's mom except on the rare occasion.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:03 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]

nowiknow23 posted 5/14/2014 18:07 PM

Haven't talked to my XILs in over a year. The few times we've talked since the D were when I ran into them in the grocery store. And even then, it was like seeing a neighbor you are barely acquainted with.

"Hi. How are you? Take care."

Nothing more.

Must Survive posted 5/14/2014 19:38 PM

No contact at all. MIL said to me "she could not stop who came to her house" That and finding out that she cheated on STBXH's dad, and was married at least 4 times, and her mother had been married at least 5 times , I realized I wanted to have nothing to do with them. And when she said she would stop by my house to visit with me/DS, I told her no, she would be seeing DS on STBXH time. And I CAN tell people who can come to my house. After D-day and speaking with STBXH's step mom and his dad, I realize how broken the whole family is. So much damage. I wish I knew about all the issues before I married him.

fireproof posted 5/14/2014 19:41 PM

I was really close to my ex inlaws and we have not spoken for years.

Blood is thicker than water and honestly for them to see or believe the child they raised could do this to their family well he/she must have been driven to it or unhappy.

I know I would have been on thin ice but overtime if I was truly happy my family would be happy.

Let it go and if you want to keep a relationship with them then keep trying but whether they do or don't keep it up with you is more about their awkwardness and being his family.

I took the high road and I can now let them go without any bad feelings. It was time for me to move on.

persevere posted 5/14/2014 19:59 PM

I've stayed close to my DSD21 and my XSIL/XBIL - I still babysit their two kids, my niece(6) and nephew(3) on occasion.

I love my XMIL, and we stayed close for a couple of years, but I gave her space when I knew she was struggling with trying to have a relationship with her son, which by his edict, had to include OW. They've tried but from what I've heard it hasn't worked out well. (My XSIL and DSD both refuse to have much to do with OW). I still keep in touch with XMIL on FB, and I hope to see her sometime soon.

Grace and Flowers posted 5/14/2014 21:29 PM

My XMIL called every month or so after the A and D. I talked to my XSILs regularly on FB. I was with XWH for 30 years.

Last summer, the XILs came to our city for a ceremony at my DSs school. I realized they would be meeting and dining with OW.

It just hurt too much. I realize they will support XWH....they are blood. But my XFIL cheated on my XMIL. One XSIL has a serial cheater and physical abuser for a husband. The other XSIL was a BW. Still, he is family, and I am not. I told them I wished them well, but it was too painful for me to keep in contact with them. My XMIL cried. I've never talked to any of them since, and blocked them on FB.

They are still in contact with my adult sons, of course. But they are 1500 miles away....and my sons know the whole story of the family....all addicts and/or enablers and/or cheaters....every single one of them. They love their grandmother, but they are not especially close to their dad's family.

It hurts. I loved my XMIL. But I couldn't ask her to choose me over her son. And it was not bearable to continue to have a "friendship" with her knowing she was ok with OW. Same with XSILs.

Honestly, once I said goodbye to all of them, I felt peaceful.

solus sto posted 5/14/2014 22:17 PM

If we weren't divorcing, we'd be having our 28th anniversary on Saturday; we were together for 8 years before marriage. And we have two kids--kids who are the niece and nephew, cousins, grand kids.

We haven't heard from a single one of them. We never will. It's probably better, but it still stings, especially for the kids. They're a toxic lot; it would be so nice to have real family. (Oddly, Trax-Fone is still "friends," on that meaningless Facebook level---which still stings--with much of my family. But that's a whole 'nother can of worms.)

homewrecked2011 posted 5/14/2014 23:50 PM

I contacted Xmil during the separation to tell her that her son was cheating on me -- regardless of what he had told her. She finally had her eyes opened, and then stopped contact w me. Same with "christian" xsils.

I didn't expect this at all -- as I am still friends with the family of my 1st husband,,, they even told me they "know what our son is" and to this day we still communicate via fb. I was completely shocked that my current XWH's family turned their back on the kids and I.

But then I had to look at who they are. Big screwed up family to raise a pervert like my XWH.

So, this is kinda funny -- if I want something to get back to xwh -- like how happy I am, I post it on facebook bc they run to him and "report". I usually post how great my life is when I am really angry at xh -- I do not want him and OW to know when I am angry...I do not want them to have that power.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 11:53 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]

AlwaysBeenStrong posted 5/15/2014 06:39 AM

I broke all connections when I reached out to my MIL and told her of the 2nd woman, that her son needed to get mental help to get his head together because he continues to play with my heart. She never reached out to him and that's when I broke all ties with her. During the whole relationship I was the daughter she never had, even had the name she would have named her daughter and if anything ever happened, she'd always be there for me...

All 4 of her boys will now have been divorced once (none of them were faithful upon the divorces) and she always questioned why none of her boys could stay faithful, I looked at her and said "really? You ran from every marriage instead of teaching those boys to work on their marriage." (3rd marriage and left for another man everytime)

To be honest, I don't want connection to his side of the family, I know I will have to see them when my kids actually do get married and have children of their own...I don't see that happening for awhile as neither of my children are dating atm The ex's are the subject of all family functions, I guess I will be the gossip for awhile.

I love what one of the other ex's calls us...We are the Outlaws, welcome to the club!

soveryweary posted 5/15/2014 07:27 AM

Wow, I feel so sad for those of you who had good relationships with their in-laws and then it stopped.
I have been blessed with wonderful in-laws for over 30 years.
My SIL is one of my best friends, and has been there for me every step of the way.
My other two SIL's send emails, texts and I meet one for lunch, the other lives out of town.
My MIL and FIL live about 2.5 hours away, when I first filed I couldn't talk to her but she sent me daily emails. We talk frequently and I am going to stay with them Memorial Weekend.
I love them all so much.

lost4now posted 5/15/2014 08:08 AM

On my way home from work last night my exBIL sent me a text message! He wanted to see how I am doing and how I like my new place! It was so nice to hear from him.

I highly doubt the relationship will continue on tho. I refuse to do all of the work to keep it going as I did during my marriage. I held all of the family events at our house and I organized every picnic, holiday and I routinely had everyone over for dinner so we could catch up and my kids could visit with the family. I did all of the work while everyone else enjoyed the company. My exH didn't do anything to help me out either and it was HIS family I was feeding and entertaining. I did enjoy that everyone got together but I did not get much respect.

Charity411 posted 5/15/2014 15:31 PM

I had an absolutely wonderful mother-in-law. She lived in another state but kept in touch with me long after the divorce. When she'd come visit her son she'd arrange to meet me somewhere for lunch. She died several years ago. I have a picture of her in my living room and think of her often. I miss her.

My sister-in-law has also kept in touch with me. I was fortunate to have in-laws that were so wonderful.

kernel posted 5/15/2014 18:39 PM

I still see my former MIL and FIL - we make a point of having lunch or dinner once a month or so, and we talk on the phone occasionally. They also have to deal with seeing OW when they see X. They don't like her, they hate what X did, but they are terrified of rocking the boat and never seeing X again. Can't blame them. We make the best of it, don't talk about X, talk mostly about my 3 kids and I get caught up on their extended family that I never see anymore. I don't go to their family events - too awkward. That part sucks but it's necessary. I also used to be the one that had everyone over for holidays and I miss it. Part of the collateral damage.

I very rarely see or talk with XBIL and his wife - he lives far away and I can't stand his wife anyway, so no big loss there.

iamasurvivor posted 5/16/2014 07:28 AM

My ex Inlaws are the best! My mother-in-law told my ex that I was another daughter to her! After he walked out they came and helped me pack my house. We talk often and try and get together once a month. She helped me pick out my dress for our son's wedding.

Our Godson is graduating from high school about 7 hours from me, I was invited and he was not! I have not missed anything a Birthday, xmas and he hasn't done one thing for him. I talk to his family more than he does!

I was a part of their family for over 25 years and still am!

Williesmom posted 5/16/2014 07:29 AM

We were never close to my Ils - at one point, my wxh didn't speak to them for over 6 years.

When I filed for D, they said that I was always welcome at their house. However, a few weeks ago, I sent them a letter about Wxh's latest shenanigans. They ignored it.

Whatever - chickenshit parents raising chickenshit children.

I do keep in touch with wxh's sister. She is always ready to talk.

EvenKeel posted 5/16/2014 07:39 AM

I was shocked when my xMIL never called or reached out to me once after the D.

She has told ppl she knows it was her son's fault and that he has issue so it isn't even like she is blaming me.

IDK - can't explain it. I did expect them to keep in touch or just make sure we were ok.

Whatever - onward and upward

(Married 14 yrs)

Take2 posted 5/16/2014 08:08 AM

I thought my SIL and I were friends, we didn't see each other a lot, but we kept in touch.

On Dday from SIL - "loves me like a sister but didn't want to be in the middle"... The same SIL I took into my home for 9 months during her D, accompanied her to every court date... She had nothing to say about his A.

BIL died suddenly - we were not given the service info. Then STBX took his gf. SIL's take was it wasn't her business that he didn't tell me.

MIL died - again - nothing - not even a response to DD's request for an address to send flowers to her grandmother's funeral (she was out to sea at the time). The other DD had watch her grandmother 2x a week, prior to her going into the nursing home, so SIL could get out of the house (Alzheimer's) But beyond an informative email from the X that MIL had passed - nothing. Again - he took his gf.

There's more, but yeah... after 30 years - no relationship there.

suckstobeme posted 5/16/2014 09:07 AM

I was never close to exwh's parents or his brother. That's his only family and they never lived anywhere near us. At the same time, I didn't fight with them either. That said, no one ever looked for me after they found out about his A. It was like they could have cared less that he blew up his family and devastated me and the kids.

His mother was passed by the time this all happened so I actually was left with two dumbass men - XFIL and XBIL - who have serious issues of their own. The apples did not fall far from that tree so I didn't really expect much sympathy or caring for me.

What I didn't expect was the lack of contact with my kids. XBIL doesn't have any children and never will so my 2 are it as far as grandkids and nieces/nephews. They barely send them gifts for birthdays and Christmas and don't speak to them regularly. They can go years without seeing them. Exwh goes in and out of contact with his family, especially his father. They must be sort of on the outs at this point because my kids did not talk to their grandfather for Ds' birthday or Easter. They sent him some letters from my address about a week ago and he hasn't acknowledged them. Like Williesmom said - chicken shit people are chicken shit.

That's the hard part. I feel guilty because, while I have a great family, my mom is the only one who lives close by. I have awesome friends who are like family and I'm grateful for them as well. But, I feel bad that my kids will grow up without anyone from their father's side - a lot of times their father included - really caring about them or going out of their way to make them feel special.

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