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Larry123 posted 5/14/2014 17:09 PM

I have been in a relationship with my wife for 5 years and married for 3. Currently I’m 31 and she’s 29…so we’re definitely not kids. Looking back I got married because we were adults in a committed relationship and marriage seemed like the next natural step. I really didn’t consider all of the sacrifice and compromise that a marriage requires…at least not until it was too late.

During our entire marriage I was pretty self-involved and always looked out for my needs first. I did whatever it took to keep our relationship going at a maintenance level, but I did little to produce high mountaintop moments for us. We did go on many vacations together and enjoyed those times, but I will admit that a lot of the way I treated her left something to be desired. I wasn’t doing it on purpose, I just feel into a rut of acting a certain way and it became the norm. Either way, she stuck with me and we still had a marriage that looked OK from the outside perspective.

When we were dating and for the first few years of our marriage I was a heavy drinker, which had its issues but actually did bring us closer together in many regards because we were able to do a lot of things together socially. Once I stopped drinking to excess and focusing my time on Ironman triathlon training things really changed with our dynamic. We both definitely noticed our differences…I’m democrat, she’s republican, I like spending time alone, she loves family, etc. Couple that with the lack of attention I was giving her that she so desperately wanted and there was obviously a problem.

My wife and I started seeing a marriage counselor back in September of 2013. The main reason we were there at the time was to discuss my apprehension with having children with her. After some work I decided we could go ahead and try to have kids in January and that’s when she realized that kids weren’t the issue…it was US as a couple. She has admitted that she was apprehensive about marrying me in the first place and always had feelings of doubt about me. Either way, we continued marriage counseling and were still growing farther and farther apart.

One Sunday night I saw a text from her boss come in while we were watching a movie together that looked suspicious so I started asking questions. She tried to lie at first but then some truth came out bit by bit over the next 12 hours. She felt an enormous amount of shame and was apologetic about what had been going on. Fast forward a week later, I found out more had happened than what she had told me and that they were still in contact with each other. Then fast forward another week where she got a lawyer together to start the divorce process even though she swore up and down the divorce had everything to do with pre-existing feelings and nothing to do with her cheating, I found out that she again had contact with her boss.

Time to leave, case closed, right? Well I didn’t leave. Instead I started doing personal work myself with another counselor and have been waiting for her to decide if she can recapture her love for me. I’m in the middle of buying a new house, looking for new employment, and dealing with a wife who has second thoughts about me even though she’s the one who cheated. I can see where I have my part in driving her to another man because I was selfish and inattentive during our marriage, but I’ve now woken up to what I was doing and realize what I need to do as a partner in a marriage.

But I have major trust issues with her and am very angry often. BTW, we are both teachers so having to put on a game face for eight hours a day is tough and really leaves me with no energy left by the time I get home at the end of the day.

I did contact her cheating partners wife, and that finally put a stop to things…and my wife did find new employment at another school since I insisted that she could not work for a boss who she had an affair with. The boss also has a wife and kids, so he’s very much to blame for this too. My wife told me if that didn’t contact his wife and blow things up then she would have just continued the affair and hoped that it would fizzle out during the summer break.

Nothing really points toward me staying in this relationship besides the fact that I truly love my wife, she has a great family, and is a good person who is naïve and was vulnerable at the time this all happened. She says she doesn’t love me like I love her and so she can’t say those words just to make me feel better. I’m guessing if she’s had doubts all along then I’m going to be fighting an uphill battle for the rest of my life if I stay with her. I didn’t treat my wife like my queen or princess, and I learned my lesson about that…but cheating is never excusable.

Not sure where to go from here but things don't look too good...

kiki1 posted 5/14/2014 17:24 PM

i'm sorry larry.

sorry you've come to be here.

no, cheating is never excusable.

no need for you to mak a solid decision now.

if your ww is so unhappy, why does she not leave and let you go?

are you both contempllating mc before you decide? it may help.


Uhtred posted 5/14/2014 19:14 PM

You're right that her actions are not excusable no matter the cause. She checked out while you stayed the course with counseling. Life is all about choices and she had a choice to make when she agreed to marry you.

She had a choice to ask for a divorce from a supposed bad marriage that she has made up in her mind as an excuse to cheat. You'll find many more excuses along the way until she pulls her head out of her ass. You are responsible for your part of the marriage but the cheating is all on her.

I'd do a 180 on her starting now. You standing around trying to nice a woman back isn't going to work when her head is in the clouds. She needs a good dose of reality and to see the destruction she has caused. If she chooses to leave then you've done what you could to save the marriage. I'm sure others will be offering sound advice soon but that's mine.

Badhurt posted 5/14/2014 19:25 PM


You will get a lot of good follow up advice, and trying to nice your wife back to you will probably not work. It seems like you put a stop to this affair for now by exposing it, but if she is telling you she does not feel about you like you do about her, it will certainly happen again.
You state Om was also at fault. That is not true. There could have been no affair no matter what kind of a creep he is had your wife not taken her clothes off and got in bed with him,. Period. So its not your fault or OM fault. You have to face that.
You can do the 180, but unless she shows some sign of really wanting to reconcile with you, including full transparency of her social media, ignoring her will only give her more opportunity to have another affair.
Only if the threat of not having you around makes her feel differently do you have a chance to keep her. And you telling her how much you want her and need her will not accomplish that.
Its hard but you have to be strong and not let her share a house and home benefits with you and carry on with other men at the same time.

Schadenfreude posted 5/14/2014 22:44 PM

Since you don't know whether you'll be married a year from now or not, I think you may wish to consider putting the proposed new house on hold. Their is no law that says you can't rent, and should,divorce occur, a new house could be a large financial drain should economic considerations force it's sale.

If things improve, there wil be another house for you to buy.

Still seeing the MC? Does MC know about the affair that apparently was ongoing during counseling?

Larry123 posted 5/15/2014 07:14 AM

The MC certainly knows what is going on...but my wife has convinced me that we have gotten all we are going to get from her and we told the MC that we we're done for a while this week. She wants to do personal counseling but not group work...not a great sign.

I'm ready for it to be over, there is really nothing left that I enjoy about being with her anymore because I'm so mad and resentful all the time...I can't even imagine trying to have a good time in social situations with her again.

I know everything is fresh but the big picture doesn't look good for the future of our marriage.

I also have strong feelings of revenge toward the OM. He took advantage of my wife since he was in a power position (principal/teacher) even though she doesn't see it that way. I really don't like the idea that he is viewed as a leader of a community when he's done something so destructive toward me and his own family. It would be one thing if he and my wife stopped and apologized when they were first caught, but they kept it going which shows that he is not capable of making sound decisions as a leader.

But I'm not sure I can handle the implications of outing him right now...I need to get a hold of my rage and resentment first. I've had some outbursts that lead me to believe that I could use some medication to calm me down and get some sleep. I will be visiting with my personal counselor about this tonight.

norabird posted 5/15/2014 09:32 AM


I'm so sorry. You're in a tough position. I would wait and see how your own and your WW's IC develop before making any hasty moves. Right now the triggers and the anger are over-whelming; unfortunately they take a lot of work to overcome, although they can improve

You say your WW has consulted a D lawyer--have you? I would advise you to get the information on your situation so you know what to expect. It doesn't mean you have to proceed on that front, but it will be good for you to understand the lay of the land.

You and your WW both will have a long road to walk if you reconcile but if you both love each other enough to commit to it you can certainly overcome this. Do not feel obligated to choose in one way or another for any external reasons; just give yourself enough time to learn whether you both are able to do the heavy lifting on this, or if perhaps it's too much to bear.

Good luck to you.

tfkeel posted 5/15/2014 09:38 AM

if she’s had doubts all along then I’m going to be fighting an uphill battle for the rest of my life if I stay with her.

My wife told me if that didn’t contact his wife and blow things up then she would have just continued the affair

Correct. Don't buy any houses and don't have any kids. These are two things which make divorce a lot uglier.

Keep her working and earning her own income, too. Otherwise, you are going to be facing spousal support.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 9:42 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]

Larry123 posted 5/15/2014 11:58 AM

We were planning an amicable divorce. The plan was to have have one lawyer represent us and we would decide how to split things up evenly...the lawyer would just help with the paperwork. Not sure if that's the best plan but it would definitely save a lot of money in the end if it's done correctly and I make sure I'm not getting screwed again.

As of right now nothing has been filed, but I don't see how it doesn't go that way considering how things are going.

happyman64 posted 5/15/2014 18:37 PM


Who else knows about their affair?

Have you spoken to family?

Your wife's response about continuing the affair until it sizzled out is classic, selfish cake eater.

And while you may not have been the best husband IMO your wife has more issues than you do.

If you are going to share an attorney make sure it is the attorney you hire.

Because your wife's decision making process and reasoning truly suck for you.


doggiediva posted 5/15/2014 21:46 PM

I agree, make sure it is a lawyer you hire..As long as you have removed 1/2 money from joint savings and have protected yourself from your WW in the way of accumulating credit card debt there is time to let things settle in your mind...It would be good if some of the overwhelming rage and resentment could wane a little before you make major decisions...
Even for those who are sure that divorce is their path, accomplishing a D after they have had a chance to get their feet under them often works out better and more peacefully..

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/16/2014 07:31 AM

If I'm being honest, it sounds as though neither one of you are a good match for the other, putting aside her affair for the moment.

When a woman's checked out emotionally, she's pretty much done, from everything I've seen and lived myself.

I think your idea of divorce is a sound one. Not sure if one lawyer will represent 2 people, however.

If you two already know how you'd like to split your real property, etc. etc., you might want to consider downloading divorce papers from a legal site that you prepare and file yourself. I did that because we knew exactly how we were going to divide everything up - saved us lots of money.

Good luck to you.

Larry123 posted 5/16/2014 09:11 AM

This is very touchy right now because I'm going to be moving on May 31st and I'm almost positive that she's not going to be moving with me although she has not officially said anything about that yet. So very soon I will be taking many possessions out of our current house in two weeks. So she is going to have to face the fact that me leaving is real and I will also get a sense for how things are going to go with trying to split things up fairly. She's planning on going to a wedding shower party four hours away the weekend I'm going to be doing most of my packing so decisions will need to be made before then. I'm not looking forward to this process but it's time for it and needs to be done.

The lawyer who could potentially be taking care of things is in her name, but I would like to be able to keep things as civil as possible and do most the paperwork ourselves...but I might see that plan change once I start moving out and get a sense for how that goes...Either way nothing has been officially filed yet.

UpInTheAirNow posted 5/16/2014 09:40 AM

If you decide to part ways I recommend a Mediator instead of a lawyer. But they only take on amicable cases. Split everything 50/50. You leave her pension alone and she leaves yours alone. They have set fees and move quickly.
Watch your finances. If she racks up credit card debt while your married you will be on the hook for half. But if you legally seperate or divorce you are no longer liable for her dept. something to think about. Also recommend canceling joint credit cards and getting new ones in your name only. Start new checking account and move half of joint savings. Prepair for the worst. Hope for the best.
Also you might want to give yourself some time to think this over. I gave it 6 months time before we went ahead and separated legally and I bought her out of the house. She moved out shortly thereafter. Divorce will happen eventually but there's no rush.
Keep posting and more experienced members will help guide you. I wish you the best of luck.

Larry123 posted 5/16/2014 15:17 PM

You guys are right that there really is no hurry, I just wish I had answers today...but honestly if she's not ready to commit 100% toward us then I need to look after myself first. That is easier said than done, but I'm trying. I did finally admit that this has all taken a way bigger toll on me than I was first willing to admit and yesterday got some anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication to help deal with this situation. I used to be full of energy and was in prime physical form training for an IRONMAN triathlon in August but now it's all I can do to go to work and then back to bed.

I will be back mentally and physically someday, but it's really frustrating to know that I've become nothing more than a shadow of what I was just a month an a half ago. I try to express that frustration to my wife but I think she's heard enough of it and I really don't need to keep rephrasing it.

I'm just ready to move and and feel better. Right now that's tough because we are living together and she's not ready to commit to our marriage going forward. So I'm basically stuck waiting and tonight for example: she gets off work in 45 minutes and I'm just waiting for the text from her to ask permission to go to the bar for "one drink" after work with her friends. She knows I don't want her to go, but we still go through this conversation on a weekly basis anyway. Cue the argument and awful start to the weekend.

All this will change in two weeks when I move out and she moves home to live with her Mom and sister for the summer. But right now things are tough, especially when I still want them to work out even though the better part of me realizes our marriage is still going the wrong way at times.

Larry123 posted 5/16/2014 17:54 PM

She did come home after work without the bar that was nice!

Larry123 posted 5/17/2014 10:37 AM

She is NOT moving in with me when I move and I take that as a strong sign things are going to move toward separation. We will be splitting things next week in terms of who gets what items. I'm so pissed and dont want this but I have to accept it.

It all goes down in two weeks...on the bright side our current house has someone looking at it today.

Larry123 posted 5/19/2014 09:03 AM

OK, update on the situation. She has decided that it's over and wants to move on. However, she still wants to live in the house with me until the school year is more week. I don't need her in the house if she is giving me the option so I told her to pack what she needed and go. I'm not really that strong of a person to make a move like that but I know that it's best for my own sanity. I'm definitely not changing her mind and so I think it's best for me to just remove her from my mind for now.

She says things like "you deserve someone better and the best version of us is without each other", maybe she's right but either way I've still been cheated on and am pissed about that and now I have to deal with the rejection of my marriage falling apart too.

I will keep seeing my individual counselor and I'm working on dealing with my pain caused by this situation. I still have a boatload of resentment toward her and her partner and want people to know what he did to his own family by being a cheater and also a leader of a school. But I will cross that bridge later if I decide it's worth the hassle.

I'm going to miss her like crazy but I do have a ton of positive hobbies to keep me busy and some decent friends around me to help with my up and down emotions.

How long does a person wait before starting to date again, because I been severely damaged from year? Longer?

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/19/2014 09:27 AM

I'm glad you're both able to realize that this isn't working for you and the best avenue is an amicable divorce. So good for you both being mature enough to handle this in a respectable manner.

Most women aren't interested in dating separated men - especially those who are recently separated. That just reeks of 'unfinished business' and you'll find most women want no part of that.

Secondly, don't visit your emotional baggage on innocent women. They don't deserve that. Get yourself right first and no one knows how long that may take, Larry. But get yourself in a good healthy position before you branch out and start trying to have dating relationships.

Good luck to you.

norabird posted 5/19/2014 13:53 PM

Focus on yourself and your healing, and you will know once your footing is better and you can date once more. But for now and the immediate future just table it. You will be a better partner down the line for doing so.

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