FORGIVE ME this is loooong
Kate honey I can feel your pain, and your emotions are all over the place, this is understandable, but lets stop and take a deep breath and break this down into some manageable chunks.
1. D-Day #2 - This isn't really a new Dday, this information that you did not have from the first Dday. Yes IT HURTS LIKE A MF'r, BUT...It's not like:
Dday #2. WH had continued the A while we were in counseling
He has been doing the work, and has not cheated since.
Yes it hurts, but it's really learning the depth, and breadth of the information. Liken it to going someplace new, and seeing Oh hey there's a pond over there. Then the next time you go, you walk closer to it, and you oh hell that's not a pond, it's actually a lake. It doesn't change that it's a body of water, it's just more water than what you thought. The same here, it's more of the same, he cheated, he still cheated he just did it one more time than you thought.
I do agree that you can't heal until you know what he has done, and how many times he's done it. I think you owe it to yourself to get those answers. He was broken when he made those choices, but look at what he is doing now. Is he being honest, transparent, free of anger? If he is doing the work of R, then it's good that he wants to get it all out in the open now. TT and lies by omission are what kill a M. It's a real step for healing to get is all out in the open.
Do not assume him being afraid to tell you makes it worse. He may just be fearful of your reaction, given you became suicidal the first time around.
2. Financially Driven Choices - You need all the information so you can decide for yourself if indeed his choices are a deal breaker for you. If you had all the money in the world would your answer be different? This is an important question to consider, my Attorney gave me this bit of advice actually.
Fear of giving up your current lifestyle, and level of comfort can influence your decision, to a point that you will tolerate less than you deserve. DO NOT allow that to happen. If you deserve respect you deserve it, and fear of being destitute should not make you accept less if you choose to stay.
3. Having your own money - EVERY WOMAN IN THE WORLD SHOULD HAVE HER OWN MONEY. I firmly believe this. So your a SAHM. You have no income. Is there anything you can do to make money? A part time job at Walmart? Babysitting kids in your home? Providing Latchkey sitting during the school year? Find something, and do it. If you need to work evenings, or opposite shifts of your H to get money then do it at least part time. Being Financially independent gets you to a place where you can stand on your own, and know that if you demand the respect and love you deserve you won't need to live in a cardboard box or in a van down by the river.
4. Find out what kind of help and services are available to you should you become a single mom right now. Would you qualify for food stamps? Would you qualify for grant money to finish your education? Would your kids qualify for HeadStart? Believe it or not there are lots and lots of programs out there that exist to help women like you. Figure out how to utilize them.
NOW to answer the question of How will I ever trust again? That comes with watching his behaviors now. Is he being honest, transparent, patient? Is he accountable? Each time you see this it starts to build the trust back a tiny piece at a time. Eventually over a couple of years of consistent behavior you find that you do trust again. It will never be the blind, and somewhat naïve trust you had before, but it is a wiser, and safer trust.
Anger - You need to find a healthy outlet for it. Do you exercise? If not start. Walk, Run, something. But you need to use that energy up. You need to learn how to breath the good in, and blow the bad out. Yoga, or Pilates would be good for you as well.
Anger is just another way your brain deals with fear. Examine why you are so angry. Then figure out how to deal with it. If you don't journal, I would suggest you start. If you don't have IC, I would urge you to consider getting one, and start on healing your heart, brain, and soul.
You are stronger than you know and you are more capable than you give yourself credit for.
((((and strength)))
[This message edited by tushnurse at 9:39 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]