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Married the wrong person

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islesguy posted 5/15/2014 09:27 AM

I am so sad that my BS feels that I married the wrong person. She is the absolutely the best person I ever met and my choice to cheat on her was not because of her or because she was the wrong person for me. I know I married the right person, I just wasn't the right person for her in the past because of my unaddressed issues within myself.

Darkness Falls posted 5/15/2014 09:55 AM

I think my XH felt like he married the wrong person, and it was part of what made finding out I was a cheater so painful for him---he was very convinced, before that, that I was the *right* person.

Now, I think we both look at it differently. Any one of a number of people can be the "right person." Yes, compatibility and attraction are important...but IMO these can be cultivated. And certainly these things can be found among others.

IMO, it's more important to make the choice to make your spouse the right person, rather than the other way around (marrying them because they are). I don't know if that makes sense; it's not the most eloquent of days.

islesguy posted 5/15/2014 10:08 AM

My BS certainly feels like she married the wrong person and I can't argue with her because the person she thought she was marrying turned out to be completely different than she thought I was. Life experience of all of my failures has changed me so much. If only she was able to meet me for the first time today.

remorsefulww posted 5/15/2014 10:44 AM


I can read the sadness through your words.

right now she is going through so many emotions and all you can do is try and reassure her.

stay strong.

badchoice posted 5/15/2014 11:11 AM

My BS feels the same way.

Hang in there brother.

islesguy posted 5/15/2014 12:18 PM

Thanks to both of you.

painfulpast posted 5/15/2014 14:42 PM

BS here - no stop sign

It took me a loooooooong time to accept that my WH didn't marry the wrong person, and I still have my days where I feel like I'm just someone he settled for.

My point here - for a long time, it wasn't just days, it was constant, and it hurt. Now, it's not so often, and not so bad. In fact, it's what I'd call 'infrequent'. So hang in there.

Time and consistent action are what works.

knightsbff posted 5/15/2014 23:09 PM

Thank you for saying that painfulpast.

I think my BH feels like I settled for him too. That is so wrong because he is amazing. And I know I inflicted that way of thinking on him.

It's really good to hear that it has gotten better for you with time and consistent work.

watersofavalon posted 5/16/2014 11:09 AM

painfulpast - "It took me a loooooooong time to accept that my WH didn't marry the wrong person, and I still have my days where I feel like I'm just someone he settled for. "

Yep. It's been 2 years all but a few weeks and it's only recently I have been able to feel remotely confident that he is really with me out of choice not obligation and guilt. I tried to make myself feel that way but it wasn't real and any little setback or disagreement had me worrying and writing myself off.

Thankfully he realised fairly early on that was natural and that his actions made my reaction perfectly natural. He allowed me to voice these fears and he reassured me time and again.

Mom-of-4 posted 5/16/2014 20:18 PM

I'm 4 1/2 years out and still feel like I married the wrong person for me. Our lives are complicated now because we have 5 children, but if I had to do it over again, I would NEVER have married him or his family.

Actionsoverwords posted 5/16/2014 20:22 PM

I understand what you are going through and I am sorry. I just want you to know that you are heard.

As a SAWH, I had cheated on every single women I have had a relationship with, with the exception of two, and that was only because the opportunity didn't arise. My BW is an amazing woman, yet I harbor so much anger and animosity towards her and life in general. I know that she is the best person, the right person for me, and I know that she regrets ever knowing me.

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