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islesguy (original poster member #38090) posted at 3:27 PM on Thursday, May 15th, 2014
I am so sad that my BS feels that I married the wrong person. She is the absolutely the best person I ever met and my choice to cheat on her was not because of her or because she was the wrong person for me. I know I married the right person, I just wasn't the right person for her in the past because of my unaddressed issues within myself.
Me: WH
My BS has given me every opportunity to prove myself to her and I have failed again and again. I lied to her for well over 20 years and did nothing to help her. I made promises to her again and again that I would step up and still have not.
Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 3:55 PM on Thursday, May 15th, 2014
I think my XH felt like he married the wrong person, and it was part of what made finding out I was a cheater so painful for him---he was very convinced, before that, that I was the *right* person.
Now, I think we both look at it differently. Any one of a number of people can be the "right person." Yes, compatibility and attraction are important...but IMO these can be cultivated. And certainly these things can be found among others.
IMO, it's more important to make the choice to make your spouse the right person, rather than the other way around (marrying them because they are). I don't know if that makes sense; it's not the most eloquent of days.
Married -> I cheated -> We divorced -> We remarried -> Had two kids -> Now we’re miserable again
Staying together for the kids
D-day 2010
islesguy (original poster member #38090) posted at 4:08 PM on Thursday, May 15th, 2014
My BS certainly feels like she married the wrong person and I can't argue with her because the person she thought she was marrying turned out to be completely different than she thought I was. Life experience of all of my failures has changed me so much. If only she was able to meet me for the first time today.
Me: WH
My BS has given me every opportunity to prove myself to her and I have failed again and again. I lied to her for well over 20 years and did nothing to help her. I made promises to her again and again that I would step up and still have not.
remorsefulww ( member #42029) posted at 4:44 PM on Thursday, May 15th, 2014
((((Islesguy))))
I can read the sadness through your words.
right now she is going through so many emotions and all you can do is try and reassure her.
stay strong.
DD 1 2009 EA/PA, DD 2 2014, broke nc 2015.All the same AP
His DD 9/16/2015 ONS & EA,PA with coworker.
Mad Hatters
WW/BW Me
BH/WHJSG1
badchoice ( member #35566) posted at 5:11 PM on Thursday, May 15th, 2014
My BS feels the same way.
Hang in there brother.
Me: fWH/BH 46
Separated transitioning to D
islesguy (original poster member #38090) posted at 6:18 PM on Thursday, May 15th, 2014
Me: WH
My BS has given me every opportunity to prove myself to her and I have failed again and again. I lied to her for well over 20 years and did nothing to help her. I made promises to her again and again that I would step up and still have not.
painfulpast ( member #41038) posted at 8:42 PM on Thursday, May 15th, 2014
BS here - no stop sign
It took me a loooooooong time to accept that my WH didn't marry the wrong person, and I still have my days where I feel like I'm just someone he settled for.
My point here - for a long time, it wasn't just days, it was constant, and it hurt. Now, it's not so often, and not so bad. In fact, it's what I'd call 'infrequent'. So hang in there.
Time and consistent action are what works.
DDay - 12/2010
Fully R'd - I love my husband
knightsbff ( member #36853) posted at 5:09 AM on Friday, May 16th, 2014
Thank you for saying that painfulpast.
I think my BH feels like I settled for him too. That is so wrong because he is amazing. And I know I inflicted that way of thinking on him.
It's really good to hear that it has gotten better for you with time and consistent work.
fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 25, 17, 13. 2 dogs.
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
watersofavalon ( member #37984) posted at 5:09 PM on Friday, May 16th, 2014
painfulpast - "It took me a loooooooong time to accept that my WH didn't marry the wrong person, and I still have my days where I feel like I'm just someone he settled for. "
Yep. It's been 2 years all but a few weeks and it's only recently I have been able to feel remotely confident that he is really with me out of choice not obligation and guilt. I tried to make myself feel that way but it wasn't real and any little setback or disagreement had me worrying and writing myself off.
Thankfully he realised fairly early on that was natural and that his actions made my reaction perfectly natural. He allowed me to voice these fears and he reassured me time and again.
Me - BW 50
H - 53
T 32 years
M 21 years
3 children from 11 to 17.
EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.
Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?
I guess we are there now. Things are good, very good, but we ha
Mom-of-4 ( member #29927) posted at 2:18 AM on Saturday, May 17th, 2014
I'm 4 1/2 years out and still feel like I married the wrong person for me. Our lives are complicated now because we have 5 children, but if I had to do it over again, I would NEVER have married him or his family.
Me- BS 44
WH-45-5 month PA- outed when I was 28 weeks pregnant with baby #4
Married-13 yrs
Children- 5 children under the age of 10
OW- his boss' wife, a "friend"
*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*
Actionsoverwords ( member #41949) posted at 2:22 AM on Saturday, May 17th, 2014
I understand what you are going through and I am sorry. I just want you to know that you are heard.
As a SAWH, I had cheated on every single women I have had a relationship with, with the exception of two, and that was only because the opportunity didn't arise. My BW is an amazing woman, yet I harbor so much anger and animosity towards her and life in general. I know that she is the best person, the right person for me, and I know that she regrets ever knowing me.
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