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Friends and Boundaries...

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steadfast1973 posted 5/15/2014 10:24 AM

So... my fwh had a group of friends he used to go to gaming conventions... He told me during his dday confession that some of these friends use escorts and go to strip clubs, etc. and have during these gaming trips. He doesn't talk to the "scum bags" anymore (his words...) because they were part of the life he hid from me, and helped him justify his thoughts and actions as "normal guy stuff". But we see a few of the others in social situations, as a couple. He got tickets to a sporting event, and we decided to go on a double date with a couple we know... well one of them had to work, so we invited a single guy from the gaming group to take the 4th ticket. We've hung out with him a few times... Well, the person from the couple and I were talking about stuff,as we walked and we realize that single guy and WH have fallen behind... So we walk back, and I hear single guy say, "You never used to be so pussy whipped!" Turns out, he wanted fwh to ditch me to go have drinks with these girls they saw in hotpants. even saying I could ride home with couple friend... Single Guy has become a HUGE part of our social group. But, to me, this is a HUGE boundary thing... Couple friend even said it was rude... and he knows NOTHING about the infidelity issues.

gutfeeling posted 5/15/2014 11:37 AM

I'm sorry. That is a big deal.

Does it concern you that the single guy's comment basically lets you know that your WH has engaged in inappropriate behavior with him before?

Did you know about it? Is that where the cheating took place?

If not, I'd be asking WH for full disclosure on the types of inappropriate stuff he used to do with this guy.

tushnurse posted 5/15/2014 11:41 AM

What was Mr Steadfast's response to this?
Did he say hey I find that remark offensive and disrespectful to my wife, or did he make excuses?

It's really up to him to direct the actions. It's really hard for them the first few times to demand the respect their spouse deserves, but then they get the swing of it, and others are blown away by it.

So as I see it, you need to have a discussion about him demanding respect of you. And you need to distance yourselves together from Single Guy. He's quite the douche.

steadfast1973 posted 5/15/2014 11:51 AM

He said, "Fuck that, I want to stay married." and was actually irritated... the conversation was becoming an argument, when I walked up...

The cheating took place months after the last gaming trip. But I did know about strip clubs... Oddly, when the escort thing happened, my fwh was appalled by the guy's behavior. He called me from the hotel parking lot, hanging with Single Guy and another friend, and they were all three disgusted with him, and angry because they all paid for the shared room... But, he has since told me, it was part of his "interest". Started with disgust, then went to curiosity, then over time, with justifications, became "normal". Between all the time they were spending together, and the porn... it just seemed like what married men were supposed to do. I have gotten all of the information since dday2...

Now, I will say that this single friend is a sweet guy... and I was surprised... my wh says Single Guy still hangs with the scum bags, and may be starting to see that behavior as normal... He says he may be another friendship to become a casualty to his stupid selfish actions.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 11:53 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]

LovelyDaffodils posted 5/15/2014 12:07 PM

SF, I could have written your last post.
"Everyone does it, it must be ok" crap like they never grew from the influence of peer pressure.

And really what single guys do, is their business. But to expect married friends to go along is wrong.
And to just accept as normal when Married friends do it, is sickening.

Sorry, this is one thing that my WH did and it really gets to me in a big way.

steadfast1973 posted 5/15/2014 12:18 PM

agreed. One of our couple friends is going through the same thing... and I have read texts between he and fWh... and my fwh asked, how they were so pathetic to get drawn into "middle school peer pressure". a whole lot of talk about having to come clean to the group soon, because some of the guys aren't reacting well to their personal growth... One of the guys has made several remarks about both of them suddenly becoming "their wives' bitches". the whole dynamic is a mess now...

All of that part is new to me. None of this was an issue after dday1... of course, that's because it was false R.

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