"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

norabird posted 5/15/2014 11:17 AM

I keep my eyes peeled all the time when I'm single--I feel like my radar is constantly pinging, I'm always thinking about if I might meet a man at a particular activity, if I might run into someone I've already met at an event, etc. etc. Ping ping ping.

I was like this before I met my ex too. It faded while I was in deep recovery mode but now that I've gotten back out there a bit and feel comfortable dating or meeting a new prospect, even if they poof on me, it's definitely back.

I have a lot of practice being single I guess but sometimes I wonder--is this normal? To always have an antenna scanning the environs? I don't really act differently because of it, I think, though maybe it keeps me active socially and motivates me to get out there and go to new places or reach out to new friends, because who knows whose path that might place me in.

I'm trying to keep everything in balance and to focus on me and what I want, but since part of what I want is ultimately to meet someone and have a healthy relationship with them (not that I'm unhappy alone or desperate to pair up again), it's hard to turn off the alertness to possible prospects. Sometimes I worry that it becomes too much of a fixation though or makes me too calculating.

Lonelygirl10 posted 5/15/2014 11:24 AM

What happened with the great first date that you went on?

I think it's normal to a degree to have that radar you describe. I'm definitely more aware of men around me when I'm single than when I'm in a relationship. But I think it becomes abnormal if you are focusing on meeting men at the expense of enjoying yourself in whatever activity you're doing. So, like, I wouldn't ignore my friends to talk to a guy. But if the guy is part of the group, then I think it's fine if I'm aware of him.

better4me posted 5/15/2014 11:47 AM

I have a lot of practice being single I guess but sometimes I wonder--is this normal?

I don't know if it is "normal" but I do it too when I'm single. At the gym--ping. At a music event--ping. At a restaurant--ping. I attended a season of college basketball this fall/winter and it was pinging all over the place there And it does seem to turn off automatically when I'm dating someone.

I think since you are wondering it is too much, this might be a hint that it is...and you may want to consider backing off a bit. When you are out at the gym concentrate on your work out. When you are out with friends concentrate on the conversation with your friends rather than the scene. Scan the crowd briefly, be open and friendly if someone crosses your path, but "be" present in the activity.

norabird posted 5/15/2014 12:12 PM

LG, I'd love to know what happened to the guy from the great first date too!

B4me, it's not so much when I'm out necessarily (I definitely stay focused on my friends or whatever I'm doing) as it is mental calculations in advance. So I'm going to a picnic for another forum I've joined this weekend, for instance, and I'm thinking ahead of time about their being a specific single man in attendance. I feel like my brain is always running hypothetical meet cute scenarios and jumping ahead of reality! Maybe I just need to try to focus harder on my work during the day.

[This message edited by norabird at 1:45 PM, May 15th (Thursday)]

Vulcanized posted 5/15/2014 13:40 PM

It is spring, so I think that's on a lot of peoples minds.

I had no interest in meeting potential dates until 2 months ago. As soon as the weather went nice, blammo, spring fever.

Nothing wrong with being in the moment and being aware of attractive potential new friends.

better4me posted 5/15/2014 14:09 PM

As long as it isn't keeping you from doing the important things in your life...like doing your work, having fulfilling friendships, learning new things etc, I don't think it is a problem. Daydream away!

Smashedat58 posted 5/16/2014 09:44 AM

I have to admit, that I look around in social situations, to see if anyone is looking at me, and they aren't. I think I wasted too many years on an inattentive slob, and that my sex appeal has gone kaput. Although I am fit, 5'5" and 135 lb., I think I must give off "damaged" pheromones. Nobody is ever looking back at me. I have had a date with one man and he has asked me out again from OLD, but it began and ended with a handshake. I thought that maybe he was shy, too, but maybe, I just don't appeal to him or anyone for that matter.

norabird posted 5/16/2014 10:14 AM

((((Smashed))))

Start by learning to love yourself honey! I know how cliche that sounds...but you are absolutely appealing, you just have to believe it and learn to get your confidence back. Once you have faith in what a catch you are, you'll be able to send off a different signal.

Lonelygirl10 posted 5/16/2014 13:25 PM

LG, I'd love to know what happened to the guy from the great first date too!

Eh, sorry to hear that. Did he just never call you after it?