How to start? To start living without backward glancing; wishing time away. I met my FWH at school. At 11 he asked me out I burst into tearsÖoh the irony that two decades later he would still be making me cry.
It was never an easy relationship. We went through ups and downs in our teenage years namely him wanting to be one of the lads and me being all sullen because of it. We broke up and got back together but it all seemed to be in the ignorance of our youth. Desperately trying to conform with our single peers.
In 2006 we separately briefly and during this time he met the OW. An older single mother at work she apparently approached him. It was a brief dating experience nothing significant Ė thatís how he painted it to me when we bumped into each other and he realised he wanted us to be together.
We reunited and a year later he proposed. Lots of hearts and flowers and a two year engagement whilst I planned the wedding of my dreams. Two months before the big day, my SIL accidently let slip that the relationship with OW had been more significant than he had let on. Turns out she had been to our home, they had been on holiday, he had introduced her to his family and met hersÖ.all in a three month period.
I was stunned, hurtÖwounded. How could he have not said? They were still working together he had always said she never queried his contact cut and just Ďmoved on to the next personí. Confronting him he burst into tears. He was afraid to tell me, afraid it would jeopardise the relationship with me. I shouted and raved. I even threatened to call off the wedding but he convinced me he was sorry. Sorry for betraying my trust.
Two and a half years later this woman was back on the scene. Both disillusioned with not being successful with finding a house together and starting a family. She began counselling and comforting him in the smoke shed at his work. Unknown to me he began to work later and take secret calls and make secret texts. Before long in fact in a matter of weeks we went from house hunting and baby planning to sitting in a relate office whilst he told the counsellor our marriage was over.
Once again, I was stunned. I didn't see this coming, didn't feel it until her nails was well and truly into him and he had practically moved on. The change was phenomenal and speedy. He wanted a divorce straight away and me out of the property. I thought he was having a breakdown so begged him to get help. New Yearís Eve I saw the on-line phone bill. All the midnight calls made on our home phone whilst I was crying myself to sleep at my parents thinking he was on the verge of suicide and he needed space.
Roll on 15 months and he is not only living with OW and her child but he is now father to her five month old. He never told me I found out on the grapevine and then I just wanted to divorce him asap.
Me? Well heís still making me cry although I doubt I get a second thought in his thinking now. Friends tell me his OW has it plastered over every social network her new life. I donít look Ė why cause more pain when this amount confines me to bed on some days causes me to sob uncontrollably until numb.
People say itís not personal but it feels like she has stolen my husband and dreams and sealed the deal by having a baby with him. Ensuring he'd never reconcile with me (even if he wanted to) because for women accepting OWs child would be hell in itself.
I miss him - he was my best friend. I trusted him beyond anything, but itís like heís died he is so unrecognisable and can never be what he was again.
The doctor gave me tablets and they are working but I donít know how to make life better. I donít know how to stop the lump in my throat and the first thing I think about in the morning being sad.
I'm trying to cut myself some slack and allow myself the right to cry and feel angry but I ultimately want to be happy. I canít remember when I was last and I'm worried I never will be again. That I'll never be loved or love again or have the joy of holding my own baby.
Any advice or thoughts gratefully appreciated. Its hard talking to people who can only assume to know how you feel. I don't think you understand the rawness of betrayal until you have felt it.