"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Wounded27 posted 5/15/2014 11:29 AM

How to start? To start living without backward glancing; wishing time away. I met my FWH at school. At 11 he asked me out I burst into tears…oh the irony that two decades later he would still be making me cry.

It was never an easy relationship. We went through ups and downs in our teenage years namely him wanting to be one of the lads and me being all sullen because of it. We broke up and got back together but it all seemed to be in the ignorance of our youth. Desperately trying to conform with our single peers.

In 2006 we separately briefly and during this time he met the OW. An older single mother at work she apparently approached him. It was a brief dating experience nothing significant – that’s how he painted it to me when we bumped into each other and he realised he wanted us to be together.

We reunited and a year later he proposed. Lots of hearts and flowers and a two year engagement whilst I planned the wedding of my dreams. Two months before the big day, my SIL accidently let slip that the relationship with OW had been more significant than he had let on. Turns out she had been to our home, they had been on holiday, he had introduced her to his family and met hers….all in a three month period.

I was stunned, hurt…wounded. How could he have not said? They were still working together he had always said she never queried his contact cut and just ‘moved on to the next person’. Confronting him he burst into tears. He was afraid to tell me, afraid it would jeopardise the relationship with me. I shouted and raved. I even threatened to call off the wedding but he convinced me he was sorry. Sorry for betraying my trust.

Two and a half years later this woman was back on the scene. Both disillusioned with not being successful with finding a house together and starting a family. She began counselling and comforting him in the smoke shed at his work. Unknown to me he began to work later and take secret calls and make secret texts. Before long in fact in a matter of weeks we went from house hunting and baby planning to sitting in a relate office whilst he told the counsellor our marriage was over.

Once again, I was stunned. I didn't see this coming, didn't feel it until her nails was well and truly into him and he had practically moved on. The change was phenomenal and speedy. He wanted a divorce straight away and me out of the property. I thought he was having a breakdown so begged him to get help. New Year’s Eve I saw the on-line phone bill. All the midnight calls made on our home phone whilst I was crying myself to sleep at my parents thinking he was on the verge of suicide and he needed space.

Roll on 15 months and he is not only living with OW and her child but he is now father to her five month old. He never told me I found out on the grapevine and then I just wanted to divorce him asap.

Me? Well he’s still making me cry although I doubt I get a second thought in his thinking now. Friends tell me his OW has it plastered over every social network her new life. I don’t look – why cause more pain when this amount confines me to bed on some days causes me to sob uncontrollably until numb.

People say it’s not personal but it feels like she has stolen my husband and dreams and sealed the deal by having a baby with him. Ensuring he'd never reconcile with me (even if he wanted to) because for women accepting OWs child would be hell in itself.

I miss him - he was my best friend. I trusted him beyond anything, but it’s like he’s died he is so unrecognisable and can never be what he was again.

The doctor gave me tablets and they are working but I don’t know how to make life better. I don’t know how to stop the lump in my throat and the first thing I think about in the morning being sad.

I'm trying to cut myself some slack and allow myself the right to cry and feel angry but I ultimately want to be happy. I can’t remember when I was last and I'm worried I never will be again. That I'll never be loved or love again or have the joy of holding my own baby.

Any advice or thoughts gratefully appreciated. Its hard talking to people who can only assume to know how you feel. I don't think you understand the rawness of betrayal until you have felt it.

better4me posted 5/15/2014 12:13 PM

hello Wounded27,

First of all here is a big welcome hug (((Wounded27))). I'm sorry that you find yourself here on SI but I'm glad you found this site. I hope it will be a source of comfort and help to you like it has been to me. Take a look around at the other forums, and look for articles that may be helpful to you in the The Healing Library (there is a link to it in the yellow box in the upper left hand corner of every page). You are very welcome in this forum, and you may find that the General and Divorce/Separation forums have other people experiencing your current situation too.

I don't think you understand the rawness of betrayal until you have felt it.

This describes one of the most helpful things with SI, here there are people who understand because they have lived through it.

I don’t know how to make life better. I don’t know how to stop the lump in my throat and the first thing I think about in the morning being sad.

It sounds like everything has happened to you in the last 15 months or so, and although well meaning people may tell you that 15 months is "long enough" for you to be over it, it took me at least twice that long to really feel like myself and to have some hope that I could and would have a good life despite this pain. I promise you that will happen with you too.

What are some things that you used to enjoy doing? Do those things again. What activities have you neglected because you haven't felt like doing them? Do them. Helping other is often a good way to feel better, are there some volunteer activities that you could pursue? Exercise is often a way of improving one's mood, make sure to get some exercise every day. Join a gym, perhapsa and take an exercise class. Are you receiving individual counseling? That may be a wonderful way of getting support as well as ideas on how to make your future better than your present.

Again, welcome. I'm sorry you find yourself here in the club no one wants to belong to. Being here will help in many, many ways. You'll find people who will listen and give advice and who really care. That's why I've stuck around so long

norabird posted 5/15/2014 12:19 PM

((((Wounded))))

I'm so sorry you are struggling. IO'm going to try and give you a gentle 2x4 though. Healing is hard and takes time, and everyone has their own schedule, but it' not just the time--it' what you do with it. Because as much as you don't want to accept that this has happened, and as much as it hurts to think of his living a life you wanted with someone else, at some point that focus on him just holds you back from the future. Have you tried meditating? Going to therapy? Trying to retrain your brain away from him? Give yourself a space in which to grieve, but don't let yourself wallow too much in it. While the waves of grief will come and you should let yourself feel them, you can't drown in this--you're worth more than that.

Have you tried doing some reading to help heal? Books like The Breakup Bible by Rachel Sussmann, Living and Loving After Betrayal by Steven Stosny, Getting Past your Breakup by Susan Elliott, posts on www.baggagereclaim.co.uk. NO one but you can shift your focus from the past to the present and future but it must be done, and you CAN do it. This guy was a waste of space and you are well rid of him--why rent him space in your head any longer, you know? It's easier to say from the outside, but you must also let yourself believe it. Believe too that you will be loved again--firstly by yourself. Start there.