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User Topic: Switching places
deena04
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the offending spouse was in such a bad place to allow this to happen, do you think finding out about their crap pushes a BS into a low point similar to it? For us, we were arguing and I contemplated leaving, we decided to stay together, then he cheated, then things got great ( his guilt pushed him into snapping out of it). I always stayed strong in saying let's work on it and had faith we could or I would not have stayed. After finding this out, it catapulted me into the dark pit he was in at that time, but now he is trying and staying strong. I may not have cheated, but it's like we switched places in where we are at.


Me FBS around 40
Him FWS early 40s (lovemywife4ever)
He cheated before M, forgot to tell me
"Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty we are free at last" - MLK Jr

Posts: 2099 | Registered: Dec 2013
KatieG
♀ 41222
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I think I get this.

I feel like, I am getting more hurt each time he has a positive breakthrough.

So first he tells me the half story and I believe him but I am wounded and hurt. We want to stay together so we work at it.

The he tells me the real truth and I am cut down deeper and more hurt but he is unburdened and free.

Then he finally comes out of the fog that has been holding R back and realises he has to fix himself - great news for him but it has sent me even deeper down, angry and revisiting all the painful details again.

The more he improves the worse I feel!!!


DD#1 - Oct 13

"Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive" - CS Lewis


Posts: 788 | Registered: Nov 2013
Alexisk17
♀ 39566
Member # 39566
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I can't say that I'm at my lowest point, I do relate to where you are coming from.

Pre-A I was very much "in love" with WH and had no clue how deep of a hole he had sunk into. Right after dday I was convinced that we could overcome any obsticale but he wouldn't agree to NC so I asked him to leave.

Since the fog lifted WH has been very much in puppy dog love with me. Lots of warm fuzzy feelings and long tight hugs.

I on the other hand have drifted slowly from luke warm to giving him the cold shoulder to (now) room temperature feelings for him. Throughout the last year I have gone through many phases of "this marraige is doomed" and "I'm so glad I stayed and worked it out".

He is the one holding our relationship together, he is our cheerleader. Our MC once told me that the secret to a long marriage is that both parties can't fall out of love at the same time. I'm paraphrasing of course so I hope it makes sense...


BS (me) - 30
WH - 30
2 sons (born 2010 & 2013)
Married: 2009
Dday: March 2013
R since: May 2013
WH's EA lasted two months and turned PA once we separated.

Posts: 185 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I think most waywards are in a shitty place when they have an affair -- or else, why would they? So then, when they come clean sometimes they do get to see actual, real love -- unconditional love that says "Yes, I will give you another try." That must feel pretty good, so for a while I do think that they are in a somewhat better place, b/c we BSes have all this hurt to lug around with us, all the time.

But, if they are remorseful, they hurt when we hurt, too. My H likens it to having a black cloud over him all the time. And, many of them worry that we will decide that it is a deal breaker, or they aren't in fact worth it.

Not all waywards are schmucks, and if they are then yeah, it they get a better deal. Otherwise, it pretty much sucks for everyone.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:19 PM, May 15th (Thursday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3491 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
deena04
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks; I get that it sucks for everyone, but was thinking maybe waywards feel better about saving the M and being stronger after the A is exposed than the BS does while it may have been opposite before. I know that's where we are.


Me FBS around 40
Him FWS early 40s (lovemywife4ever)
He cheated before M, forgot to tell me
"Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty we are free at last" - MLK Jr

Posts: 2099 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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