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Switching places

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deena04 posted 5/15/2014 12:36 PM

If the offending spouse was in such a bad place to allow this to happen, do you think finding out about their crap pushes a BS into a low point similar to it? For us, we were arguing and I contemplated leaving, we decided to stay together, then he cheated, then things got great ( his guilt pushed him into snapping out of it). I always stayed strong in saying let's work on it and had faith we could or I would not have stayed. After finding this out, it catapulted me into the dark pit he was in at that time, but now he is trying and staying strong. I may not have cheated, but it's like we switched places in where we are at.

KatieG posted 5/15/2014 12:42 PM

Yes I think I get this.

I feel like, I am getting more hurt each time he has a positive breakthrough.

So first he tells me the half story and I believe him but I am wounded and hurt. We want to stay together so we work at it.

The he tells me the real truth and I am cut down deeper and more hurt but he is unburdened and free.

Then he finally comes out of the fog that has been holding R back and realises he has to fix himself - great news for him but it has sent me even deeper down, angry and revisiting all the painful details again.

The more he improves the worse I feel!!!

Alexisk17 posted 5/15/2014 13:16 PM

While I can't say that I'm at my lowest point, I do relate to where you are coming from.

Pre-A I was very much "in love" with WH and had no clue how deep of a hole he had sunk into. Right after dday I was convinced that we could overcome any obsticale but he wouldn't agree to NC so I asked him to leave.

Since the fog lifted WH has been very much in puppy dog love with me. Lots of warm fuzzy feelings and long tight hugs.

I on the other hand have drifted slowly from luke warm to giving him the cold shoulder to (now) room temperature feelings for him. Throughout the last year I have gone through many phases of "this marraige is doomed" and "I'm so glad I stayed and worked it out".

He is the one holding our relationship together, he is our cheerleader. Our MC once told me that the secret to a long marriage is that both parties can't fall out of love at the same time. I'm paraphrasing of course so I hope it makes sense...

bionicgal posted 5/15/2014 14:17 PM

You know, I think most waywards are in a shitty place when they have an affair -- or else, why would they? So then, when they come clean sometimes they do get to see actual, real love -- unconditional love that says "Yes, I will give you another try." That must feel pretty good, so for a while I do think that they are in a somewhat better place, b/c we BSes have all this hurt to lug around with us, all the time.

But, if they are remorseful, they hurt when we hurt, too. My H likens it to having a black cloud over him all the time. And, many of them worry that we will decide that it is a deal breaker, or they aren't in fact worth it.

Not all waywards are schmucks, and if they are then yeah, it they get a better deal. Otherwise, it pretty much sucks for everyone.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:19 PM, May 15th (Thursday)]

deena04 posted 5/15/2014 14:30 PM

Thanks; I get that it sucks for everyone, but was thinking maybe waywards feel better about saving the M and being stronger after the A is exposed than the BS does while it may have been opposite before. I know that's where we are.

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