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MissesJai posted 5/15/2014 15:41 PM

I've realized that my DSD 20 doesn't like me. She tolerates me but really, she doesn't care for me and I get it. I was partially to blame for the breakup of her family. She's loyal to her mother, and she should be. While she's never been outright disrespectful towards me, she does have a flippant attitude about most things that involve me. For instance, when H & I renewed vows last year, we had a small ceremony in our backyard. Nothing fancy or over the top. Everyone who came was dressed nicely. She came, very late, in a t-shirt and faded jeans with her hair disheveled. Another example - when she does something, such as taking care of her brother so H & I can go away, etc., and I thank her, instead of "you're welcome", she says "yep". Yep? Had DS 19 pulled a "yep" with me, he'd walk away with a fat lip. Yet, I let it slide. I let it all slide. The other day I mentioned to H that I feel her "yep" response is a bit disrespectful. He said "well, she answers me like that too". So that makes it ok? I just said "Well, no wonder she does it to me. You've essentially told her it's ok". This isn't a vent, just sharing something that's been on my mind as of late. Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go and accept it as a consequence?


BrokenButTrying posted 5/15/2014 16:05 PM

Have you ever have an upfront, honest conversation with her about it? Sat her down, explained what behaviour upsets you and why. Acknowledge that she must feel as if having a relationship with you is being disloyal to her mother but you love her father and you love her too, you would like things to improve etc etc.

Sometimes facing things head on can make a huge difference and she might find your honesty refreshing.

MissesJai posted 5/15/2014 16:28 PM

BBT - honestly, the thought of having that kind of conversation with her scares me. She's VERY private and quiet, much like her dad. I don't know how productive a convo like that would be. I do love her. She's been in my life for 14 years - I consider her one of my own. I guess I could try, though. I'm seeing IC this Saturday, so hopefully she can help me grow a pair so I can have that conversation.

Ascendant posted 5/16/2014 09:00 AM

This is not meant to be attacking, but her father left her mother for you, yeah?

(I could have that wrong)

I get that it happened a long time ago (14 years ago, I think you said), but the gravity of that sort of beginning may just now be catching up to in the last 6-7 years as she begins adulthood. There is a distinct possibility that she may never view you as a person worthy of respect, and it may be something you have to live with.

tired girl posted 5/16/2014 09:40 AM

Hugs MJ.

Have you ever opened the door for her to express her feelings about the situation? Maybe once she can express how she feels it can start to get better.

SisterMilkshake posted 5/16/2014 11:18 AM

(((MJ))) Kids these days! Honestly, not only kids, but a lot of adults don't know how to respond to a "thank you" properly. The proper response is "You are welcome", however, most say "sure" "no problem" "yep" etc., etc.,

I am not downplaying that she may have an issue with you, MJ, but I do feel it is quite common for people not knowing proper etiquette. Maybe that needs explaining to her at a time when there is no "Thank you's" and "You're welcome's" coming into play. Just a discussion about manners in general, kwim?

cdnmommy posted 5/16/2014 12:23 PM

Have you ever talked with her about her feelings about what happened with her parents and your role in it? I was a young adult when my dad left for his last OW, so I expressed my feelings and then tried to get along with her. Subsequent events made that impossible and unnecessary, but I wonder if because she was so young when it happened and you were always a part of her life she never really addressed the feelings as they came up?

Thinking back to how I felt at that age, I think any effort at trying to get me to change my behaviour would have resulted in a big FU from me, because I was trying to make peace with the situation as best I could, but a genuine attempt by my dad's wife at building a better relationship would have been appreciated.

MissesJai posted 5/19/2014 10:27 AM

Sorry for going dark, guys. I typically don't go on SI on the weekends.

I get that it happened a long time ago (14 years ago, I think you said), but the gravity of that sort of beginning may just now be catching up to in the last 6-7 years as she begins adulthood. There is a distinct possibility that she may never view you as a person worthy of respect, and it may be something you have to live with.
Ascendant - honestly, this sounds right to me and I accept.
Have you ever opened the door for her to express her feelings about the situation? Maybe once she can express how she feels it can start to get better.
TBH, I have no clue how to even begin this process.
Just a discussion about manners in general, kwim?
SMS, I do agree that a discussion of this nature should be had. She does say "thank you" when required. She's just more flippant about most things in her life.
Have you ever talked with her about her feelings about what happened with her parents and your role in it?
cdn -no. I've had this long standing dread concerning a conversation of that nature. It's almost as if I don't think I could handle her telling me just how much I fucked up her family and how badly I hurt her & her mother. Now, I don't know if she'd even say those things to me, but in my head, I'm 100% certain she will cuss me out and call me every name in the book - even though that's not her nature. Ugh, I'm in my head too much.
a genuine attempt by my dad's wife at building a better relationship would have been appreciated.
Thanks for that. You've given me something to deeply consider.

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