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Strangefacade posted 5/15/2014 22:09 PM

I married my husband in 2006. I have always struggled with depression despite being a cheerful person. As we started growing our family, I lost myself more and more without realizing it.
When I became pregnant with my third baby in four years, we were fighting more and more. My husband said, "I seriously think there is something WRONG with you, your mood swings and threats about leaving me". I tried to control myself, and decided to start antidepressants after baby was born.
He recommended a young girl he worked with as a great babysitter who just looooooved kids.
He worked 65 hours a week, and I would stay up late nights to spend time with him, then wake early with kids. Sometimes I wouldn't. Sometimes we would take turns sleeping all day.
I work nights, and he worked till 2 am sometimes. On days I worked back to back shifts, our babysitter would stay the night to help with kids in the am so I could sleep.
It was one such morning that I went to bed as the kids, babysitter, and husband were having breakfast. I heard them laughing and talking as if they were married, and I was an outsider. I went on alert. No more sleep overs with the pretty 21 year old babysitter. Other babysitters if I could find them.
And then in feb, during a party, I glanced over my husbands shoulder and saw him texting her. I demanded he show me what they were talking about, he lied and refused to show me his phone, even though I was heavily pregnant, tearful, and begging. When I finally got his phone after he had fallen asleep, the babysitter was wiped clean from his phone.
He had good excuses and it all could make sense. I wasn't myself, he said. I was looking for a way out of the marriage, he told me.
I didn't believe him, but I was due any day with my son, so I filed it away, put a smile on, eliminated use of the baby sitter, and thought I caught it in time. I even told my friends that if he was cheating, I could deal with it, but later...and I thought I had nipped it in the bud.
I have birth to a beautiful baby boy without issue (despite having life threatening scares with baby #2), and went home on maternity leave. I noticed my husband was short tempered and frustrated with the kids, and I turned myself inside out to give him plenty of time to rest and de-stress. I would be up till five with the baby, then up at eight with the older kids, trying to give him at least a solid chunk of eight hour sleep.
He was attentive, he seemed happy. I hated his long hours and that I was always alone, but l tried to support him. I bought books on how to help our marriage. I read them. He didn't.
Then on April 22, I took a deep breath and decided to look back at the feb phone bill so I could deal with the past and make sure I hadn't imagined the text, he seemed so different now! Maybe they really were just babysitter and husband.
But on my iPad, in order to load feb bill, you have to scroll through current bills back. My heart stopped in my chest when I saw 6000 texts to the baby sitter in April. 6000 in march. 7000 in feb...and so on...all the way back to July.

I wasn't trying to catch him cheating. I thought I had caught it and turned it around in feb.
I confronted him and when he denied it, I reached for his phone. I was eight weeks post partum and started to say, "if you want this phone, you will have to physically take it from me.", but he wrestled me to the ground before I could finish the sentence.
Then came the trickle truth over the next five days.
They were just best friends.
They just made out.
They were having an affair and calling each other husband and wife. They were working together all day, then meeting each other in parking lots to have sex, then texting each other 6000 times a month. They were having unprotected sex.

He text her over 300 times on the day I gave birth. I was able to recover some of the deleted texts, and that morning, while I was in labor, she said "oh, I didn't think you'd be able to talk to me." And he said, "no, it's ok, she's in her own world."
Having your baby.

I filed for divorce, because I didn't know anyone could ever save a marriage after infidelity. He refused to leave the house, and my lawyer said I couldn't make him.
I've caught him in at least two lies since discovery day, about contact with other woman.
My infant son had a mystery rash/blisters in his groin that went away with topical care, so the pediatrician called it normal. However, my blood tests came back positive for an std. And the lesions looked exactly like my babies. Had my husband come clean in feb, when I confronted him, I could have elected to have a csection so my baby would not have been exposed. I was already considering a section anyway, from #2 birth experience.
I think a marriage can make it through cheating. But this is a very special kind of cheating. All those nights up with a crying baby or toddler, waiting for him to come home, lonely as hell, unhappy and blaming myself...and he's out in some parking lot screwing a 21 yr old.
I would do anything for my kids, including trying to work it out with this man. But I have no faith he can change, and my kids are young enough to get through this without trauma.
He cries. He is closed off and quiet. The man does not talk, never has, unless I ask the right questions worded exactly. He has not followed through any of his promises, like therapy or dr or parenting classes. He has bought me jewelry, and flowers, but still managed to miss Mother's Day because he "didn't have time to shop".
I'm angry and empty. I would feel better if I could be sad, and cry it all out, but nothing. I have started therapy and feel strong.
We are putting the house up for sale. We coexist, and sometimes it feels like we are friends, but I can not think about letting him touch me. We pack boxes and divide our belongings and make jokes.
I don't understand this new life.

yearsofpain25 posted 5/15/2014 22:30 PM

That is one awful sad story Strange. I'm so sorry you're going through this. His betrayal is horrible. To have an std passed to your newborn is unforgivable.

Sounds like you have been strong and you are moving in a firm direction. How have you been doing. In house separations are not easy.

Sending you continued strength to get you through.

OakStreet posted 5/15/2014 22:40 PM

Oh, Strangefacade, my heart goes out to you!


This is a horrible situation. Risking your son's and your health.

Others will be along with more advice. Please know you are heard and everyone will be "pulling for you".

Hopefully, therapy will be a godsend.

Strangefacade posted 5/15/2014 23:29 PM

I'm struggling because I've been raised to think nothing is unforgivable. With god all things are possible and all that...

HeBrokeVows posted 5/15/2014 23:40 PM

I'm so sorry you have to go through all this especially after giving birth to your baby. The std to your baby is hard to get past. Nor should you have to. I highly recommend getting into counseling and also getting you and your baby full medical attention. I'm so angry for you that this has all happened. It's time to focus on you, your baby and other kids well being since he clearly hasn't. Hugs to you. One day at a time and please take good care of yourself. You baby and children need a healthy mama!

StillStanding1 posted 5/16/2014 00:08 AM

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Please try to take care of yourself: plenty of water, food if you can, vitamins, exercise, and sleep if you can!

It's going to be a long crazy ride, so please take a deep breath, and know that you will find support here and that you will be okay. You. Will. Be. Okay.

nolight posted 5/16/2014 01:28 AM

I wish I had words of wisdom for you, your story is heartbreaking and I just wanted to let you know that you are in a supportive place with men and women who have been through something similar and can offer you care and advice every step of the way.

It may sound obvious but the advise to take care of you is paramount. Make yourself eat, it doesn't matter what, just get something down, meal replacement shakes will help. Drink lots of water, get some exercise even if it's just walking and get some sunlight. Protect yourself from stress, if this means cutting back on commitments don't feel guilty and allow yourself to grieve.

I'm so sorry you are going through this

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/16/2014 04:04 AM

Strangefacade, I'm not sure if you've chosen to separate as you say you're dividing up your things and the house is for sale.

If that's the case, then I think it's the smartest move you could make and I hope it happens as soon as possible for you.

Any man that could stoop to this horrific level of disrespect - right down to bringing home herpes to his wife and unborn child - deserves to live in a cardboard box under the railroad tracks. The man doesn't care about anyone but himself and has proven that to you over and over and over. Why should you compromise yourself even one more day to forgive such an atrocity?

I think you're right - your kids are young enough where the impact of separation won't be as traumatic for them.

I understand that you were raised to think 'nothing is unforgiveable,' but that doesn't mean you have to sell of little pieces of your soul to someone like him in order to put that belief into practice.

It's time to put YOURSELF first. You've bent over backwards enough for this ungrateful user. All he's done is take and all you've done is give.

sinsof thefather posted 5/16/2014 07:59 AM

I filed for divorce, because I didn't know anyone could ever save a marriage after infidelity.
strangeasfiction, marriages can be saved after infidelity - if you still love him and if there is true and genuine remorse from the wayward and they are prepared to do the necessary work of R. Yes, it is absolutely disgusting that your beautiful and innocent little boy ended up being given the OW's std via his own father. But, apart from crying self pitying tears, is your husband actually doing anything else? Is the affair over? Have you spelled out to him what it would take for you to even think about R? That's if you actually want to ... I can't get a fix on what it is that you really want?

norabird posted 5/16/2014 09:39 AM

It sounds as if your husband is a lost cause. I'm sorry to say that. But the level of disrespect--the willingness to sell you and your family out for the babysitter--to abandon you in every way? He does not deserve to be with you and he is not working to be with you. If he were remorseful you could work together toward forgiving him--but he's not remorseful. He missed mother's day for crying out loud! When someone isn't trying, you owe them nothing. Please stay strong, lean on friends, and have faith in your ability to thrive without him. He obviously has only been making your life harder; time to cut him off from being able to do further harm.

I'm so very sorry.

tushnurse posted 5/16/2014 10:19 AM

Strange - Welcome. YOU are an amazing woman, who is loving, kind, and fearless. Because of that I am confident in saying you deserve much more than this man is giving you.

You can't force a person to do things they don't want to do, and you certainly can't make him love you, because he is very very broken.

You are right. You can forgive him, you can love him. But YOU DO NOT have to tolerate the abuse he has subjected you to for one second longer.

You can stand up and say no more. I am worth more, and I will have it with or without you. Since he seems unwilling to own his shit, and is more concerned about getting sleep with 3 little ones to worry about I would urge you to take giant steps to protect yourself and your children financially, and from any further heartbreak.

Regardless of the outcome, you need to file for D, and CS NOW. He is screwing some young floosy, that doesn't use protection. If she ends up pregnant she too will want a piece of his financial pie. You should definitely come first.

Start focusing on you, and your babies. I have no doubt that you will come through this stronger, smarter, and braver than you ever imagined you would be.

(((and strength))))

QuietNoMore posted 5/16/2014 10:50 AM

Strangefacade, you are struggling with with forgiving and leaving because of your beliefs, but please realise that you can forgive and still not continue the marriage. I forgave my first husband but I still divorced him. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to continue to subject yourself to continued emotional abuse.

krsplat posted 5/16/2014 18:48 PM

I echo this^^^^. You can forgive. But that does NOT mean that you have to allow someone to continue to hurt you. "Go and sin no more" sounds a little familiar, doesn't it? Well, he sounds like he is still sinning.

He has not followed through any of his promises, like therapy or dr or parenting classes.

If he were really remorseful and ready to make things right, he would be falling all over himself to get these things done. He's not.

[This message edited by krsplat at 6:49 PM, May 16th (Friday)]

Rubyrain posted 5/17/2014 00:14 AM

God, how awful. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I can relate to a lot of this, because I also found out with a babe in arms that my H cheated throughout my pregnancy, and what you said about him not answering qs unless they're worded precisely right... That drives me insane.

You sound very intelligent and strong. Deep breaths. Big hugs. :(

SunshineSoul posted 5/17/2014 08:03 AM

I am so sorry to hear this!
I also have a baby, and found out after I had him that H cheated on my during my pregnancy. I'll never understand how these 'men' can be so callous & show no regard for our physical (and mental!) health.
My heart goes out to you. Stay strong, and know you're not alone.

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