I wasn't sure whether to post this here or in D/S...
My D day was 2 1/2 years ago. I've been divorced almost 2 years. XWH left ASAP and was never remorseful. For those that don't know, one of our DS was diagnosed with a rare cancer the same month as D Day (he's doing well now), and XWH was not there at all for his son....just AWOL. That DS now won't speak to his dad.
Looking back, I can almost pinpoint when XWH "checked out" of the marriage. I remember when the boys graduated HS in 2011...XWH was a real jerk that day, just distant. A lot of other memories from the last 4-5 years of the marriage now make more sense. He tells me he just decided he was done one day, and was just going to "tough it out" in the marriage until one DS was done with college. He didn't tell me, of course. I don't believe he had any other relationship until OW. They work together, and now live together.
So, the marriage wasn't great the last few years of it, for several reasons. OW was in the picture for the last year or so of the marriage. I want to make clear that I DO NOT want XWH back. We are NC. I do not like who he is now. I do not miss the person he is now. But....here's an issue I've been struggling with, and I can't seem to find a solution....
We were together for 30 years, married 25. From age 19-49. We lived in Europe and all over the US. So many memories. I was talking to someone about Florida the other day, where we first moved to in the US. And flashing in my mind was my young WXH....and us so happy. I almost started crying right there. Or I remember when the boys were little, and he was such a GREAT dad. And I want to weep, because he is not that man today. I find myself wondering how much of it was real...and people tell me it WAS real....until he "checked out". I believe it....he was the most honest person I'd ever known.
I HATE getting so emotional at all the old memories....but there are just. So. Many. So many years of good times, happiness. And so many places that are almost spoiled for me now.....like Charleston, SC, where he finally gave me an engagement ring, five years after we married, because we had married in college when we were broke. Or Denver, where we got married. I just see his ghost everywhere when I think of these places. I thought this might get better with time, but it hasn't.
Maybe because I'm still so shocked that he changed so much? And he did. Everyone who knows him noticed how much he has changed....like a whole different person. My son thinks his dad has some brain damage (long story), and he may be right.
I know that go-to plan is to think of him as dead...and in a way, I do. But, he's not. And I will always talk to him about the boys when he wants.
So, my wise SI peeps and friends....how did/do you all deal with the memories? The good ones, from long ago. The pain from remembering those good, loving times, just derails me sometimes. I'm not able to take who he is now....an unrepentant, lying cheat who abandoned his sick son...and paint his/our entire past with that brush. I know some people condemn every memory based on the cheating, I can't seem to do it.
I welcome everyone's perspective on this, and advice on how those of you who did not automatically condemn every memory have handled it. I know some of us might not have had those good memories, or realized that that IS who their spouse was all along. Hope this makes sense. I just want to have those memories without hurting. After all, it was 30 of my 52 years....a lifetime. If I put those memories away in a drawer, then what do I have left of my life? He was in every inch of my life for all those years.
[This message edited by Grace and Flowers at 10:23 PM, May 15th (Thursday)]