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Unagie (original poster member #37091) posted at 9:32 AM on Friday, May 16th, 2014
I have a bunch of random thoughts I want to vent about. There are times where I think about the amount of people who saw me flirt and what not at work. Then these same people saw me break down when I confessed. A few of them (4) know that I cheated and 1 knows with who. I trust her enough to think she wouldnt say anything but people talk. I went there a few times after I quit (OM no longer worked there) to see my friend. When she left I never went back. Its been maybe a year since the last time I was there. I wonder if my coworkers judged me when I was there. I know at least one was gossiping about me after I left and my friend told her to shut the fuck up because its easy to say shit when you dont know everything. I know I brought this on myself and I own it, it's just shit to know i'll always carry it.
Second thing I took a call the other day from a customer. We chat while resolving issues so there is no dead air and I heard a baby. Easy conversation when I hear kids so I asked her. She tells me yea she just had her first baby and she's about to be one. Then she says how tired she always is and cant believe she waited so long to have a baby because she's 31. I paused and immediately thought wow thats around how old I am. Whats that mean for me? Have I waited too long? I wanted kids for years and xSO was never ready. It will take me a long time to heal and be ready for a relationship with someone else and even then it will take a couple years at least into that to feel ready for babies with anyone. I feel like I'm never going to be a mom.
Last thing always in my head, I am in limbo with xSO. There are days where we laugh and joke and get along and it feels like it used to. Then there are days I snap back to reality and tell myself thats not real, we are separated and I am allowing him to cake eat. He goes out and does his thing and then comes home and there are times he treats me like im still his girl and I let it happen. Thats my fault and I need to stop.
Thats all for my random thoughts. Thanks for letting me get it out.
BrokenButTrying ( member #42111) posted at 9:48 AM on Friday, May 16th, 2014
(((Unagie))))
First of all, people will talk because that's what they do. If there's nothing to talk about, they make stuff up. There's a whole bunch of rumours going around about me at the moment. They happen to be true but no one knows that for sure. If people tell me 'I heard X, Y and Z from so and so' I just laugh and make a comment about their lives being so boring they need to talk about mine and even if it was true what business is it of theirs. BH has asked me not to confirm rumours to people so I don't, but I won't lie either.
Ultimately, it doesn't matter what they think.
In your work situation, you haven't been there in a year. You are long gone from their memories and a new office scandal will be front page news. Concentrate on you, you're not that person anymore.
As for xSO, I'm in the same position as you now. We're separated but he's under the impression he can just come back whenever he likes, having done whatever he likes during the separation. He won't D. He's cake eating.
This week I've been finding the strength to acknowledge what is actually good for me. Find yours, Unagie. What do you want out of life? What will make you happy? Find the answers and do it. Even if it takes another year, keep on working on yourself.
Madhatters - We have R'd.
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. We can do this.
authenticnow ( member #16024) posted at 11:31 AM on Friday, May 16th, 2014
I understand. I had to learn to let go of stuff that people might be saying about me. Many people who didn't really know me saw me at my worst... exhibiting shameful behavior. The way I deal with that is be my best self every day, and know that if they judge me, that's okay, it doesn't really matter. I know who I am, and the type of person I am striving to be.
I agree with you about your xSO. I think you're afraid to cut the cord completely and you're comfortable in this state of limbo so you don't have to commit to being alone. It's working for him, too.
When you're ready you'll take the next step. In the meantime I hope you're taking the steps to get where you deserve to be so you can detach and move forward in a healthy way.
DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.
somethingremorse ( member #42047) posted at 2:59 PM on Friday, May 16th, 2014
FWIW, nearly every one of my friends waited until 30-35 for kids.
That's about the only thing I can comment on. hang in there.
Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC
familyfirst ( member #42651) posted at 3:38 PM on Friday, May 16th, 2014
I wanted kids for years and xSO was never ready
I think that's a big deal. It doesn't sound like staying with him is any guarantee of future children. There are lots of reasons relationships fail, and IMO this is one of the better ones.
Mrs Panda ( member #27303) posted at 4:48 PM on Friday, May 16th, 2014
Are you still having a physical relationship with xSO?
The baby thing...I get it. I am almost 42 and for me it is over. Not going to do in vitro and not going to be a "high risk" pregnancy. Had I fixed my shit 15 years ago, I might have had a normal relationship and kids by now. But no going back.
U, I worry about you. You have to protect yourself. You are strong and have come so far. You keep emotionally flogging yourself. I get this as I am 6 years out and still do this. Easier to preach than practice, I suppose
Me-48 FWW Him 51BH
M 20 years,. Fully Reconciled ❤️.
DDay#1 Nov 2008
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Prior A from 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut
Actionsoverwords ( member #41949) posted at 2:28 AM on Saturday, May 17th, 2014
Hi Unagie,
As another poster said, people will talk and people will gossip. You can only control what you can control.
FYI - My mother was in her 40's when she had a second child. I don't think it's ever too late. Adoption is always an option and there are plenty of kids out there that need a loving home.
Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 4:35 AM on Saturday, May 17th, 2014
Unagie: I'm almost 33 and no kids yet. Plus a health condition that might pose some issues. But I'm trying to stay optimistic! I want kids more than just about anything. I'll keep my fingers crossed for us both.
Married -> I cheated -> We divorced -> We remarried -> Had two kids -> Now we’re miserable again
Staying together for the kids
D-day 2010
Unagie (original poster member #37091) posted at 4:47 PM on Saturday, May 17th, 2014
Thanks for everything about having kids. I appreciate all of it and it made me feel a little better.
As for the gossip. I know people will gossip and I understand that. It just irritates and bothers sometimes.
As far as limbo. AN and Mrs Panda you guys are right in a way. I am still very much in love and it works for us because neither of us wants to let go. I wouldnt call it comfortable although I understand what you mean by that. Its a state I am accustomed to and I am terrified to change it for a couple of reasons. One I am so scared of what comes next. Two I imagined him as my forever for a decade and I am having a really hard time not being able to see him as that any or. When I imagine my future its bleak, when I imagine being with someone else it makes me sick and when I imagine him being in love with someone else I break down into sobs.
Wayflost ( member #41583) posted at 9:25 PM on Saturday, May 17th, 2014
((Unagie))
I have many of the same fears about ever having kids. My BH never thought I should have kids, and is even more convinced of that now. He is right, in that I needed to do the work I'm doing now before having kids.
I read this article last year, and it helped me to relax about the age of it all for myself.
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/
"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly."
Schadenfreude ( member #43075) posted at 1:54 AM on Monday, May 19th, 2014
At age 30 my wife was OW with MM. We met at age 32 after she had ended that A. Maried at age 34' first kid just after her 36th bday and second 2.5 years later. So it can happen and does happen.
plainsong ( member #37826) posted at 2:25 AM on Monday, May 19th, 2014
My sister had her first child at 40, second at 42. She is a wonderful mother and my niece and nephew are terrific young adults.
Me, fWW
Him, fBH (sisoon)
Dday, 12/22/2010
I use capital letters for emphasis, not yelling.
Reconciled and healing.
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