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I have a bunch of random thoughts I want to vent about. There are times where I think about the amount of people who saw me flirt and what not at work. Then these same people saw me break down when I confessed. A few of them (4) know that I cheated and 1 knows with who. I trust her enough to think she wouldnt say anything but people talk. I went there a few times after I quit (OM no longer worked there) to see my friend. When she left I never went back. Its been maybe a year since the last time I was there. I wonder if my coworkers judged me when I was there. I know at least one was gossiping about me after I left and my friend told her to shut the fuck up because its easy to say shit when you dont know everything. I know I brought this on myself and I own it, it's just shit to know i'll always carry it.

Second thing I took a call the other day from a customer. We chat while resolving issues so there is no dead air and I heard a baby. Easy conversation when I hear kids so I asked her. She tells me yea she just had her first baby and she's about to be one. Then she says how tired she always is and cant believe she waited so long to have a baby because she's 31. I paused and immediately thought wow thats around how old I am. Whats that mean for me? Have I waited too long? I wanted kids for years and xSO was never ready. It will take me a long time to heal and be ready for a relationship with someone else and even then it will take a couple years at least into that to feel ready for babies with anyone. I feel like I'm never going to be a mom.

Last thing always in my head, I am in limbo with xSO. There are days where we laugh and joke and get along and it feels like it used to. Then there are days I snap back to reality and tell myself thats not real, we are separated and I am allowing him to cake eat. He goes out and does his thing and then comes home and there are times he treats me like im still his girl and I let it happen. Thats my fault and I need to stop.

Thats all for my random thoughts. Thanks for letting me get it out.

(((Unagie))))

First of all, people will talk because that's what they do. If there's nothing to talk about, they make stuff up. There's a whole bunch of rumours going around about me at the moment. They happen to be true but no one knows that for sure. If people tell me 'I heard X, Y and Z from so and so' I just laugh and make a comment about their lives being so boring they need to talk about mine and even if it was true what business is it of theirs. BH has asked me not to confirm rumours to people so I don't, but I won't lie either.
Ultimately, it doesn't matter what they think.

In your work situation, you haven't been there in a year. You are long gone from their memories and a new office scandal will be front page news. Concentrate on you, you're not that person anymore.

As for xSO, I'm in the same position as you now. We're separated but he's under the impression he can just come back whenever he likes, having done whatever he likes during the separation. He won't D. He's cake eating.

This week I've been finding the strength to acknowledge what is actually good for me. Find yours, Unagie. What do you want out of life? What will make you happy? Find the answers and do it. Even if it takes another year, keep on working on yourself.

I understand. I had to learn to let go of stuff that people might be saying about me. Many people who didn't really know me saw me at my worst... exhibiting shameful behavior. The way I deal with that is be my best self every day, and know that if they judge me, that's okay, it doesn't really matter. I know who I am, and the type of person I am striving to be.

I agree with you about your xSO. I think you're afraid to cut the cord completely and you're comfortable in this state of limbo so you don't have to commit to being alone. It's working for him, too.

When you're ready you'll take the next step. In the meantime I hope you're taking the steps to get where you deserve to be so you can detach and move forward in a healthy way.

FWIW, nearly every one of my friends waited until 30-35 for kids.

That's about the only thing I can comment on. hang in there.

I wanted kids for years and xSO was never ready

I think that's a big deal. It doesn't sound like staying with him is any guarantee of future children. There are lots of reasons relationships fail, and IMO this is one of the better ones.

Are you still having a physical relationship with xSO?

The baby thing...I get it. I am almost 42 and for me it is over. Not going to do in vitro and not going to be a "high risk" pregnancy. Had I fixed my shit 15 years ago, I might have had a normal relationship and kids by now. But no going back.

U, I worry about you. You have to protect yourself. You are strong and have come so far. You keep emotionally flogging yourself. I get this as I am 6 years out and still do this. Easier to preach than practice, I suppose

Hi Unagie,

As another poster said, people will talk and people will gossip. You can only control what you can control.

FYI - My mother was in her 40's when she had a second child. I don't think it's ever too late. Adoption is always an option and there are plenty of kids out there that need a loving home.

Unagie: I'm almost 33 and no kids yet. Plus a health condition that might pose some issues. But I'm trying to stay optimistic! I want kids more than just about anything. I'll keep my fingers crossed for us both.

Thanks for everything about having kids. I appreciate all of it and it made me feel a little better.

As for the gossip. I know people will gossip and I understand that. It just irritates and bothers sometimes.

As far as limbo. AN and Mrs Panda you guys are right in a way. I am still very much in love and it works for us because neither of us wants to let go. I wouldnt call it comfortable although I understand what you mean by that. Its a state I am accustomed to and I am terrified to change it for a couple of reasons. One I am so scared of what comes next. Two I imagined him as my forever for a decade and I am having a really hard time not being able to see him as that any or. When I imagine my future its bleak, when I imagine being with someone else it makes me sick and when I imagine him being in love with someone else I break down into sobs.

((Unagie))

I have many of the same fears about ever having kids. My BH never thought I should have kids, and is even more convinced of that now. He is right, in that I needed to do the work I'm doing now before having kids.

I read this article last year, and it helped me to relax about the age of it all for myself.

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/

At age 30 my wife was OW with MM. We met at age 32 after she had ended that A. Maried at age 34' first kid just after her 36th bday and second 2.5 years later. So it can happen and does happen.

My sister had her first child at 40, second at 42. She is a wonderful mother and my niece and nephew are terrific young adults.