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It's coming to that point:(

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needadvise posted 5/16/2014 12:27 PM

It's come to that point where I'm am falling apart piece by piece. So broken that I don't know how to fix myself. My days are Grey n dark. I can't see no happiness no matter how hard I try. He continues to break me and doesn't even realize it.
Before my IC appt Wed, we had a very bad argument about what he had done. I got in the car, which he was suppose to take me (I'm still not allowed to drive, still on crutches) during the middle of the day threatening to break the window if I didn't roll it down. Yelling at me for the world to hear n see. Calling me names. (One that he knows I hate to hear) c*#t.
After returning home from my appt. That I'm told by C that I am very toxic due to my pain. Been asked to make a psych appt to get on antidepressants. Then suggested to call my pcp to waste no time getting on the meds. I have suicidal thoughts. Not that I would hurt myself. But wished something would happen to take me out of this place I compare to hell.
Walking in the door from my appt to find he had torn apart some of my clothing out of anger.
I just wished I had the strength to move forward, change my life, n be successful.
All I can do is cry and wonder how did I allow my life to become so horrible.
I really hate him for doing this to me and for letting him break me this way! Arrogant, selfish, ddiscuting pig!

krsplat posted 5/16/2014 12:31 PM

He betrayed you, broke you, and is now calling you names and destroying your property? Oh, honey, it is way PAST "that point." For your own safety, please do get to your PCP and get that prescription -- it does make a huge difference! -- and then get away from this horrible toxic man as fast as you can. If he won't leave, then you need to.

And please see a lawyer ASAP. You need to protect yourself fiancially.

lilacs40 posted 5/16/2014 13:04 PM


This. Get the help you need, there's no shame in it. Hopefully once you get that help you can see that this is no way to live. For your own sanity you need to find a way to leave.


needadvise posted 5/16/2014 13:21 PM

I did go to my pcp today and got my meds. I just really hope they help me.
This is by far is the worse pain I have ever felt in my life. Cancer, chemo, and losing my father were difficult. But not like this pain I now have. Not even close.

[This message edited by needadvise at 1:22 PM, May 16th (Friday)]

krsplat posted 5/16/2014 13:25 PM

I hear you. I lost a child 19 years ago, and the pain of betrayal is worse. Illness and the death of loved ones are terrible accidents, twists of fate. Betrayal is inflicted on us on purpose by someone we love and trust, and that makes it a very bitter pill to swallow.

Hugs to you (((needadvise))).

annb posted 5/16/2014 13:31 PM

He betrayed you, broke you, and is now calling you names and destroying your property? Oh, honey, it is way PAST "that point."


You do not deserve to be treated like this.

Please make an appt with an attorney asap. Even though you are not in a position to leave right now, find out what your rights are.

Your WH should be taking care of you, and he's truly being abusive.

You WILL find the strength somehow, allow your body heal and your mind will follow.

Do you have any family/friends who are nearby to support you or stay with until you are back on your feet? He's losing control, I'm concerned he will eventually get physical with you.

needadvise posted 5/16/2014 13:43 PM

I just made the call to the lawyer.
My son and daughter live with us also.
My WH may be stupid but not crazy to physically hurt me with my son around. He knows my son would hurt him.
My WH does at times has trouble controlling his anger, he has never layed a hand on me ever.
I'm just in a position from my accident not able to be mobile for the next couple months. I just hope the meds help me to get my shit together mentally & physically to move forward. It's such a terrible struggle right now. I just sometimes feel like I'm going to cave in and fall.

Lalagirl posted 5/16/2014 14:31 PM

He's losing control, I'm concerned he will eventually get physical with you.

That is the exact same concern that I have.

My WH does at times has trouble controlling his anger, he has never layed a hand on me ever.

Gently, that does not mean it cannot happen. There are things he is doing that he has not done before - name calling, tearing up your stuff...and doing this knowing you are in a vulnerable position, emotionally and physically. That's sick and twisted.


Please at least put a call into a shelter and let them know what is going on. They can help you with resources to get him out of the house if it comes to that being necessary. You will be armed with information before you have to do it because it is an emergency.

How DARE he shift his horrid actions onto you!

If the ADs don't work, ask your doctor about something for anxiety. I think anxiety is a big contributor to your symptoms as well, JMHO. You must feel like you're walking on eggshells, and you feel helpless due to your physical state.

Hugs...please keep posting - we are here for you and we want to know you're safe.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 2:32 PM, May 16th (Friday)]

needadvise posted 5/16/2014 16:09 PM

It means the world to me too have found this site. All you your support has carried me this far.
My pcp gave me an emergency # to call in any event.
My WH had caused alot of damage in our marriage, our family and in our lives. Within the last year there has been so much TT. His excuse is trying to keep me from being hurt even more. I think because he didn't want to look more disgusting than he already did. His way of wanting to fix things is to put it in the past and move forward. I can not do that knowing how long he had been doing this. I can't stand to be affectionate towards him. He violated me beyond belief. There is nothing sacred with us any more. Only a wife or husband should know what is like to sleep with there spouse. He had done everything we experienced with numerous women. He had never ever had to imagine me with another man. I can tell you when I move forward and he does see me with another man he will feel my pain!

annb posted 5/16/2014 16:26 PM

Is your WH doing ANYTHING to fix himself. If ever anyone needed fixing, he does.

Unless he can look himself in the mirror and understand the monstrous acts he has perpetuated on himself, you, and your family, he will never, ever change.

I agree with lalagirl, just because he has not gotten physical in the past doesn't mean he won't in the future. Make that phone call and talk with someone who is experienced in DV.


needadvise posted 5/16/2014 16:46 PM

He is going to IC. However his IC told him is not good to bring up the past. I disagree. He had never openly confessed anything ever until I confronted him on all occasions.
He told my mother the other day that he is paying for what he did. By cooking cleaning getting me coffee in the morning. He does some of those things not all. Even if he did it's not going to make up for the Damage he has caused for 17 years. He always wanted to be the center of attention, well now he is:)

[This message edited by needadvise at 4:47 PM, May 16th (Friday)]

needadvise posted 5/17/2014 20:07 PM

I do know that I need to leave him. Can somebody please tell how to move forward to go. To erase the Betrayal and images in my mind. To forget the pain and many OW.
How in the hell do you move past this. I'm so mad at myself right now for not being strong enough. For letting myself fall in to this trap that I thought would never happen to me. For trusting and believing the asshole in the first place. Grrrr!

12yearsloyal posted 5/17/2014 20:40 PM

This has been going on for you for over a year. Just go one step at a time. If he is not committed to R then I would say let him go. How do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time. You can do this. Your life will get better, it has to. Only one way to go - up. Do not let a selfish man ruin your life. Life is too short.

needadvise posted 5/17/2014 21:38 PM

I'm sitting going round and round in my head. It seems like he is in denial to himself. His excuse for cheating down is because he was arrogant and just too get his rocks off. I don't exactly understand how you can get off cheating w women who are not attractive and heavy. I just don't get it???
He wants to R but I just can't get past what he had done. I can not forget!

needadvise posted 5/21/2014 10:13 AM

It seems so easy for me to look from the outside and offer advise. When it comes to myself I struggle. I pretty much know i cannot forgive WH for cheating for all along. I know i need to move forward.
However my body is so weak today I'm guessing from pt yesterday)along with my mind (just started my meds for depression)
on a weekly routine I have several doc appts. IC, pcp, orthopedic, PT, & pysch. I feel like I'm on overload. Get so tired of repeating my story of depression and my accident over and over.
This is all so over whelming.
Looking forward to that day of being in control of my own life.
I just feel so very drained....I hope there's is a happy ending to my life.

Artemisia posted 5/21/2014 11:13 AM

We're listening to you, needadvise.

Antidepressants were a very good thing for me. I hope they are for you, too. I was also mentally where you were, with everything grey, no hope. They helped immensely with that.

I too was very tired when I first started them - a combo I think of all the sleep I lost while depressed and the drugs. I remember my body weighing 1000 tons of tiredness. I talked to my doc and we got things worked out. It got much, much better.

That I'm told by C that I am very toxic due to my pain

I'm sorry that your IC said this. I feel a little angry reading that, like excuse me for going through the deepest hell I knew possible. Do you like your C otherwise?

We're all listening and worried for you. Keep posting.

needadvise posted 5/21/2014 11:42 AM

I do like her. She had helped me immensely.
It's OK she said that. ..I kind of knew it anyway. Sometimes it takes someone actually telling you so you don't second guess yourself. Which I do alot of.

tushnurse posted 5/21/2014 18:15 PM

Sweety you are in a cycle of abuse. It's not physical, it's mental. Please google it. I think you will see yourself, and your relationship with your H to a T.

Now How Come YOU can't do more, and why are you so weak? Because years and years of mental abuse does the same thing as years of physical abuse, it beats you down, takes away your fight, leaves you with no mental strength or energy to fight, and walk away.

Do I think you can R based on what you have shared? NO, Not a chance. He wants to sweep all this neatly under the rug, while keeping his fingers crossed that you don't trip over it later. He is unwilling to own what he did, and he certainly is not doing the work to heal your M. He is still in blame you mode.

Really why would you want to stay, I'm as pro R as they come, but lets look at this for what it is.

He is Mentally abusive.
He is not trustworthy, and in his current frame of thinking never will be.
He has screwed around for most likely your entire relationship. As Dr Phil says the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

Don't you think you deserve more? You are miserable. You are broken, both mentally and physically right now. You know what though you can heal. You need to heal yourself without his help. You need to understand you can have happy without him. You need to learn that you are pretty awesome, and he is not. He was damn lucky to have you as long as he did, but now it's your turn.

Make you a priority now.
Read up on the 180 with the whole purpose of healing you, not getting him back.
Go ahead and see that lawyer, and start the paperwork to file.
Stop listening to the words coming out of his mouth, and pay attention to his actions. ACTIONS show you what he is willing to do to heal himself, and your M. Which right now is minimizing and blaming.

Take your AD's.
Take time for you.
Do one thing nice for yourself every single day.
Reach out to friends and family, allow them to support you and give you strength.
Show your children that you will no longer be a doormat.

Life is short, very short. You deserve to be happy, but only you can be the one to make you happy.

(((and strength)))

needadvise posted 5/21/2014 19:46 PM

Tushnurse. Thank you for taking the time to reply and help me.
I am weak for the time being not only because of the mental pain I have had and continue to endure daily. I'm also physically drained due to an accident I was in about 7 weeks ago that broke my pelvic bone in 2 places. I'm still on crutches for another 4 weeks at least.
I know that I cannot be with him however for now he is helping me to recover from my accident. It was either that or go to a rehab facility.
I'm not sure what to think. He does try and does alot for me. Tells me he loves me more than before. Which honestly does mean much to me.
Now when I need to talk about the past or ask questions. He answers them but it turns into an argument. He gets very defensive and I know it's because he got caught. He answers with anger and walks away with no apology. These are the times I see no remorse. Once he cools down he's a different person.
He was stupid for cheating all the time however he's not crazy to physically abuse me.I come from a very large Italian family. My brother and son especially are not happy with him to say the least. My WH doesn't have a death wish although he should.
For now I'm trying to heal both physically and mentally. Buying my time I guess. Also trying to build my financial nest.
I know i deserve much better and someday it will come to me.
As for him. He's never seen or had to deal with seeing me or hearing of me with another man. When that day comes karma will take over.
However he still will not feel the pain I have endured this past year.

I still go through the cycles of emotions constantly. Anger hate sadness crying depression. ..etc. ..
Do I wish I was alot stronger? Absolutely.
I also know when it comes to the end, he will be the 1 leaving, not me. He chose to break or family and marriage apart. This is my home with my kids. I'm not leaving.

tushnurse posted 5/22/2014 08:16 AM

Absolutely bide your time.
I would also encourage you to implement the 180.

His willingness to answer questions does NOT mean he is remorseful. His anger, and frustration means he is just sorry he got caught. NOTHING more. For a BS who hasn't seen true remorse it's a hard concept to understand. It looks like trying, but it's more like, "Let me put the minimal effort in, and maybe she will shut the hell up, so I can resume my life the way I wanted."

Keep getting your ducks in a row.
Continue to heal, emotionally and physically (painful injury for sure)
Make sure you are taking time for you.

Don't worry about the future of him seeing you with another, honestly those sound like vengeful thoughts, what you should do is to learn to be happy being you. Then you will never ever tolerate less than you deserve again. Fear of being alone is an oppressive thing until you do it. Then you realize this is actually pretty nice, and I am happy.

Oh and as far as physical healing, make sure you are taking Calcium supplements with Vitamin D, large daily doses will promote that pelvis healing just a titch more quickly.

((((and strength))))

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