If I may offer, a few things stood out to me when reading your post.
I also found out he was unfaithful with his ex wife and girl friends before that.
He says his reasoning for cheating is due to the fact he did not want to have a child and was told by DR that he was unable to have children and he thought i cheated on him.
He says i am the first person that made him put someone elses feeling before his and finding out out daughter is his was a big wake up call.
I just dont understand how i am so ok with everything.
None of this is meant to discourage you, we have many success stories around here of people doing the hard work and reconciling, but the general timeframe for this is 2-5 years.
[This message edited by Mercilesslynuked at 1:30 PM, May 16th (Friday)]
We all have experienced denial to some extent because quite simply the truth just hurts too much. Go easy on yourself and follow your instincts. From your post is sounds as if you are on to his lies and selfishness.
he says are just him and his friend playing around
Time to grow up then and STOP. This isn't a game and you and your daughter are effected by his childish and immature behavior. This is projecting at its finest. Covering his rear.
He has said he is sorry, he says things are different now that our daughter is here
Wasn't your daughter there two weeks ago when he was on CL and when he had dinner with the OW? His response doesn't add up. He was behaving horribly since your daughter was born. Most likely the only thing he is sorry about is that he was caught.
told by DR that he was unable to have children and he thought i cheated on him
Is this the first you have heard of this? This is what we call blame shifting. He is trying to justify his behavior by blaming you. Don't let him.
I also found out he was unfaithful with his ex wife and girl friends
Is this the life that you want for yourself and your daughter?
It is totally normal to be full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and rightfully so.
Take this opportunity to really assess what it is you want from your marriage. This may be a blessing in disguise. If your F is so flippant about this behavior a wedding ring won't change a thing.
Please go to the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner and read, read, read. Knowledge is power.
You and your daughter deserve honesty and truth. Don't settle for immature, childish excuses.
Good luck. We are all here for you.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 1:52 PM, May 16th (Friday)]
It would appear your fiancee is full of hogwash stories as to why he's looking for sleazy thrills on Craigslist, but none of them make sense.
How does not wanting to have a child equate to seeking out loose women on Craigslist and getting a cheap thrill with them? How does 'thinking you cheated on him' (what a crock of bullshit) equate to seeking out women to have sex with?
And lastly, insulting the mother of his child by claiming he sleazed it up because he figured you were pregnant by someone else is about as low as a human can get.
No wonder you're numb. That's why you're 'ok' with everything - because the depth of his utterly disgusting disrespect towards you and your child are probably too horrific for you to face full on. Unbelieveable.
The guy is a serial cheater, plain and simple. He cheated on his first wife, on his past girlfriends and now you. What were his feeble bullcrap stories for why he did it to all of them? Did he think they were all 'cheating' too? Ridiculous.
You need to seriously reconsider marrying this person. He's not fit to be in a relationship and you're going to deeply, deeply regret it.
Don't let wedding bells, and the thought of that special day get in the way of making a serious decision. Because the bliss will not last long unless he does the work to fix himself. And like so many spouses of women here that is not an easy fix and a lot of them won't do the hard work. Any hidden passwords for phones, accounts, login's etc are all red flags and not you over reacting..... If they have nothing to hide he will turn it over. Craig's List is the gutter for scum advertising looking to hook up. Any decent women or man would not be on there. They are just easy hook up sites for bootie call. Be strong. Most of all Don't be brainwashed that any of this was your fault. Chin up!
At minimum I'd call off the wedding.
Your F has a pattern of cheating, he's cheated in the past, he's currently cheating, and I'd place a huge bet that he will cheat in the future.
Take all the time you need to think about what YOU want for yourself and your child. Do you want to be continually looking over your shoulder a year from now, five years from now?
It only happened once? I'm going to be quite frank, jmroyal, infidelity isn't just about having sex, it's about hiding your actions(dinners with numerous OW behind your back).
Also, make an appt. with your doctor asap and get tested for STDS. Keep in mind cheaters lie, and lie and lie, and you really have no idea what he did on Craigslist.
My heart is bleeding for you, we understand how much this hurts.
Put the wedding on hold. Spend the next 6 months figuring out how you feel. You are so early in this - way too soon to be making plans for your future.
Worse. as the other posters told you, he is full of it. He is blaming you/circumstances.... If he really believed you cheated on him you would have heard about it. He, frankly, is full of C.
You are in shock right now. You just took a major emotional blow that threatens you thought you knew about your life. You need an extended period to heal and to figure out if you can trust him. He needs to come completely clean - and he needs to make his life an open book to you for a long, long time. Trust has to be earned - and betrayed trust takes a long time to recover.
So yes, you are in denial.
[This message edited by Daddo at 8:33 PM, May 16th (Friday)]
This man is unprepared to be a real partner and has no intentions of changing.
Please don't kid yourself. This guy is not a good candidate to be a husband and father.
42 years ago, I came into the life of a 4-year old beautiful girl. She calls me "dad", even though I'm only 15 years older than her and was not her biological father.
She has never made any attempt to contact her bio dad, and states clearly that I'm her dad, and she doesn't need any other dad.
This is 100% true, because I have never thought of her as anything other than my little girl whom I love supremely.
My advice is this:
Consider this guy your sperm donor. Waste him like a used kleenex, and go find a decent, moral, principled guy to be husband and dad.