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Newest Member: drummerwife (46039)

User Topic: Am i in denial?
jmroyal021004
♀ 43449
Member # 43449
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So i found out 2 weeks ago my F cheated on me. From what i found it only happened once but he attempted times after that and was rejected by OW. As a mater of fact i found he was rejected my numerous women. I have found him looking at craigslist ads which he says are just him and his friend playing around. Even after the truth has been out and he has admitted to having dinner with a different OW.I also found out he was unfaithful with his ex wife and girl friends before that. Our wedding is planned for 4 months from now, we have a daughter and we have been together for 2 years. He has said he is sorry, he says things are different now that our daughter is here. He says his reasoning for cheating is due to the fact he did not want to have a child and was told by DR that he was unable to have children and he thought i cheated on him. He said he freaked out and made mistakes. He says i am the first person that made him put someone elses feeling before his and finding out out daughter is his was a big wake up call. So 2 weeks out i feel fine. i think about it but it does not consume me like it did the first two days. What is really crazy to me is i never even cried, its like i suspected it. I was to R with him. I just dont understand how i am so ok with everything.

Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States
Mercilesslynuked
♂ 42997
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello and welcome to the best club nobody ever wanted to join. I am glad you found this so quickly and so so sorry that you find yourself here; just know this site is a blessing and hopefully you are able to find guidance and solace. There is a commonly used term to take the advice you need and leave the rest. Please feel free to do so.

If I may offer, a few things stood out to me when reading your post.

I also found out he was unfaithful with his ex wife and girl friends before that.
He says his reasoning for cheating is due to the fact he did not want to have a child and was told by DR that he was unable to have children and he thought i cheated on him.
Do you see how these two are contradictory? He is nowhere near his why and likely will not be for a long long time. Until he has his gotten to the root of his broken AND done the EXTREMELY difficult work of fixing himself, he is not a safe partner. As one of my favorite posters said once upon a time "it was wrong long before you were ever in the picture. You're just the one holding the dustpan for the mess his parents never cleaned up"
He says i am the first person that made him put someone elses feeling before his and finding out out daughter is his was a big wake up call.
This is blatant rewriting, he did not put your feelings before his.
I just dont understand how i am so ok with everything.
Gently, you are in shock right now, right now take care of yourself, make sure you are eating drinking and sleeping enough.

None of this is meant to discourage you, we have many success stories around here of people doing the hard work and reconciling, but the general timeframe for this is 2-5 years.

Best wishes.

[This message edited by Mercilesslynuked at 1:30 PM, May 16th (Friday)]


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 174 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 1:50 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear JMRoyal

We all have experienced denial to some extent because quite simply the truth just hurts too much. Go easy on yourself and follow your instincts. From your post is sounds as if you are on to his lies and selfishness.

he says are just him and his friend playing around

Time to grow up then and STOP. This isn't a game and you and your daughter are effected by his childish and immature behavior. This is projecting at its finest. Covering his rear.

He has said he is sorry, he says things are different now that our daughter is here

Wasn't your daughter there two weeks ago when he was on CL and when he had dinner with the OW? His response doesn't add up. He was behaving horribly since your daughter was born. Most likely the only thing he is sorry about is that he was caught.

told by DR that he was unable to have children and he thought i cheated on him

Is this the first you have heard of this? This is what we call blame shifting. He is trying to justify his behavior by blaming you. Don't let him.

I also found out he was unfaithful with his ex wife and girl friends

Is this the life that you want for yourself and your daughter?

It is totally normal to be full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and rightfully so.

Take this opportunity to really assess what it is you want from your marriage. This may be a blessing in disguise. If your F is so flippant about this behavior a wedding ring won't change a thing.

Please go to the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner and read, read, read. Knowledge is power.

You and your daughter deserve honesty and truth. Don't settle for immature, childish excuses.

Good luck. We are all here for you.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 1:52 PM, May 16th (Friday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Apr 2013
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, this is denial. Why would you ever, ever marry someone who can't respect you? Please, please please at least postpone the ceremony. This man is unprepared to be a real partner and has no intentions of changing. Do NOT link your life to his any further than it already is!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JMRoyal, I'm sorry you find yourself here.

It would appear your fiancee is full of hogwash stories as to why he's looking for sleazy thrills on Craigslist, but none of them make sense.

How does not wanting to have a child equate to seeking out loose women on Craigslist and getting a cheap thrill with them? How does 'thinking you cheated on him' (what a crock of bullshit) equate to seeking out women to have sex with?

And lastly, insulting the mother of his child by claiming he sleazed it up because he figured you were pregnant by someone else is about as low as a human can get.

No wonder you're numb. That's why you're 'ok' with everything - because the depth of his utterly disgusting disrespect towards you and your child are probably too horrific for you to face full on. Unbelieveable.

The guy is a serial cheater, plain and simple. He cheated on his first wife, on his past girlfriends and now you. What were his feeble bullcrap stories for why he did it to all of them? Did he think they were all 'cheating' too? Ridiculous.

You need to seriously reconsider marrying this person. He's not fit to be in a relationship and you're going to deeply, deeply regret it.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1956 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
whatgives
♀ 43395
Member # 43395
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with all of the above. I know the wedding is around the corner but you should postpone that. He is not being forthcoming. He is shifting the blame on you and that will only get worse down the road. Trust your gut.

Don't let wedding bells, and the thought of that special day get in the way of making a serious decision. Because the bliss will not last long unless he does the work to fix himself. And like so many spouses of women here that is not an easy fix and a lot of them won't do the hard work. Any hidden passwords for phones, accounts, login's etc are all red flags and not you over reacting..... If they have nothing to hide he will turn it over. Craig's List is the gutter for scum advertising looking to hook up. Any decent women or man would not be on there. They are just easy hook up sites for bootie call. Be strong. Most of all Don't be brainwashed that any of this was your fault. Chin up!


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Toronto
annb
♀ 22386
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, in a nutshell, you are in denial.

At minimum I'd call off the wedding.

Your F has a pattern of cheating, he's cheated in the past, he's currently cheating, and I'd place a huge bet that he will cheat in the future.

Take all the time you need to think about what YOU want for yourself and your child. Do you want to be continually looking over your shoulder a year from now, five years from now?

It only happened once? I'm going to be quite frank, jmroyal, infidelity isn't just about having sex, it's about hiding your actions(dinners with numerous OW behind your back).

Also, make an appt. with your doctor asap and get tested for STDS. Keep in mind cheaters lie, and lie and lie, and you really have no idea what he did on Craigslist.

My heart is bleeding for you, we understand how much this hurts.


Posts: 7666 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Daddo
♂ 4504
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, May 16th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is clear

Put the wedding on hold. Spend the next 6 months figuring out how you feel. You are so early in this - way too soon to be making plans for your future.

Worse. as the other posters told you, he is full of it. He is blaming you/circumstances.... If he really believed you cheated on him you would have heard about it. He, frankly, is full of C.

You are in shock right now. You just took a major emotional blow that threatens you thought you knew about your life. You need an extended period to heal and to figure out if you can trust him. He needs to come completely clean - and he needs to make his life an open book to you for a long, long time. Trust has to be earned - and betrayed trust takes a long time to recover.

So yes, you are in denial.

[This message edited by Daddo at 8:33 PM, May 16th (Friday)]


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2524 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
12yearsloyal
♀ 43064
Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everyone else. Stop the wedding! He needs to figure out his problem and you don't need his issues. He needs counseling now. Do not hitch your wagon to him until he is fixed. You should talk to a counselor as well. If he is already cheating and you are not even married this is a serious red flag. How will he stay committed after the commitment? Look long and hard at this before proceeding.


Him: WS, 51 LTA/EA/PA(he says 1 yr, evidence = 2 yrs) D Day 3/10/14
Me: BS 52
OW: Caribbean whore, ugly
What I want: Profound, deep, passionate love.
What I got: Betrayal, heartache and Xanax.

Posts: 182 | Registered: Apr 2014
tfkeel
♂ 19517
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, May 17th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This man is unprepared to be a real partner and has no intentions of changing.

Amen.

Please don't kid yourself. This guy is not a good candidate to be a husband and father.

42 years ago, I came into the life of a 4-year old beautiful girl. She calls me "dad", even though I'm only 15 years older than her and was not her biological father.

She has never made any attempt to contact her bio dad, and states clearly that I'm her dad, and she doesn't need any other dad.

This is 100% true, because I have never thought of her as anything other than my little girl whom I love supremely.

My advice is this:

Consider this guy your sperm donor. Waste him like a used kleenex, and go find a decent, moral, principled guy to be husband and dad.


Posts: 685 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 10

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