Even now, I think he is a good man. He was dealt a shitty hand, and overall has made an amazing life for himself, against all odds. He is a good father. He has made some absolutely STUPID decisions. He guards himself, and just when he lets his guard down and gets comfortable & happy, it's like he has to freak out and bring disfunction into our lives. I almost feel like he does this on purpose, like he doesn't think he deserves to be happy.
Well, I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, DAMNIT!!
I have no idea what to do, and where to go from here. I have two beautiful children who also deserve a stable, loving environment. I grew up in a wonderful, loving family, and I want the same for my children.
He has a hard time completely letting go, and a hard time communicating without getting defensive. I can't even make a suggestion on how to do something without him hearing "you're doing it wrong" (which is not my intention).
Ugh. Phew. Feels good to get that out. If anyone is reading, sorry it's so long.
It's just not that simple.
I'm so sorry. It must have been like a horror movie seeing those pictures. I can only imagine. I hope you won't be so understanding of him that you don't pay attention to your own pain. What he's brought on you is just so, so sad.
Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
Well, I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, DAMNIT!!
Even now, I think he is a good man. He was dealt a shitty hand ... He guards himself, and just when he lets his guard down and gets comfortable & happy, it's like he has to freak out and bring disfunction into our lives. I almost feel like he does this on purpose, like he doesn't think he deserves to be happy.
1.) He needs to start counseling - ASAP.
2.) You need to talk with him and make sure he is remorseful and willing to change
3.) He needs to get off of all the sites he is on - better yet, he should get off FB altogether
4.) Until he does anything, you need to check out the 180 program. It is listed in the Healing Library under FAQ's (or something like that) on the top of the page
5.) MC is a must at some point in the near future
My heart goes out to you. I can't even imagine what it was like to see the pictures you saw. You ask: "Who is he?" He sounds like a bonafide sex addict. And he needs help. But so do you. You need to make sure you are taking care of yourself during this very difficult time. Coming here was a good idea. I have garnered so much strength from the people in here - I can't even begin to tell you. Because of their courage, I knew I could move on. Because of their very honest advice, both my WH and I have sought the help we needed.
Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing. I am pretty new here too - my D-day was Valentine's Day 2014 and it took me a while to find this site too. I know there are people here who are much wiser in this area than I am. I just could not sit back and sit silently while I knew how you were suffering. I will add you to my prayer list if that's ok.
I just feel so stupid. I believed the best in him. Tried to bring out the best in him. Encouraged him and his dreams. He was a college drop out when we met, but now has his bachelors, masters, has a fantastic job, and is an officer in the military. (Don't want to be too specific)
I thought I brought out the best in him, but obviously that's not the case. I thought I was his "family."
I honestly don't know what I want to do. I told him last week that I was officially done, but then I couldn't bring myself to go through with filing for D.
Why is it so hard to just leave?
There can be a multitude of reasons:
A) no matter how bad, it is familiar, and somewhat comfortable
B) finances are intertwined
C) there are children to be co-parented
D) there may be religious convictions causing revulsion at the idea of separation or divorce
E) there is an extended family which should be maintained for the kids
F) we feel "responsible" to provide a home to our kids which is at least "as good" or "better" than the one we had
Not an easy choice, to say the least.
I have two beautiful children who also deserve a stable, loving environment.
The question is this: is the environment more "stable" and "loving" with you living there, or would it be more "stable" and "loving" with you separated ?
[This message edited by tfkeel at 7:18 PM, May 16th (Friday)]
I wish I could answer that.
Maybe I'm grasping, scared to be alone, or just plain delusional, but I can't shake the feeling we were meant to be together. I reread my post, and I would tell anyone else to leave. He slept with 2 women! While I was pregnant! I just don't understand how he could do that to me. I feel like a piece of me died.
Am I crazy??
[This message edited by SunshineSoul at 10:03 PM, May 16th (Friday)]
Not at all, unless countless others of us are also crazy.
You are describing mostly the same feelings, thoughts, and dilemmas I had when my WW decided to do her thing, and the same as many others I have communicated to on this, and other message boards over the last 10 years or so.
And, you need not be in any big hurry to answer the questions. The only thing that has changed is that you now have it confirmed in your mind that he is doing it. Your fact status has changed from suspicion to confirmation, that's all.
The only change is in you, he's unchanged by "Dday".
Apparently, he was unchanged by your marriage, and most likely, he was unchanged by his prior marriage, too.
I found out 4 months after we started dating that he was married.
Liar and selfish scoundrel since 98. And, before.
Liar then, liar now.
meant to be together
This is a wonderful sales pitch brought to us by those who make Hollywood movies and write novels, along with "and they lived happily ever after".
It works. It works to sell tickets and books.
However, in REAL life, people CHOOSE to be together, CHOOSE to be happy together. We choose
our own partners, we are not "meant" to be together.
We are "meant" to be truthful, faithful, and honest people who choose RIGHT instead of WRONG.
People who "do unto others" as they want others to
"do unto" them.
Take any two people who choose RIGHT instead of WRONG, and happy marriage can exist now, and can last forever, as long as they continue to choose RIGHT.
He says he is remorseful, but how am I supposed to believe him?
You are not supposed to believe him. Not at all, not even a little bit.
Besides, "remorse" is only the beginning of true contrition.
The kind of contrition necessary for someone to "convert" from lying scoundrel to faithful spouse
does not occur in a few days, not even in a few
This takes time, and a continuum of ACTION on the part of the penitent.
[This message edited by tfkeel at 11:09 PM, May 16th (Friday)]
If he were, as much as he may not WANT to go to counseling, he'd at least go in an effort to try to do everything he can to fix the mess he created.
Since he refuses to make any effort towards fixing this mess, all you're getting is lip service from him.
It means absolutely nothing.
My WH also cheated on me (2 escorts, supposedly 2 occasions, also massage parlors) while I was pregnant. It hurts like nothing else ever has.
I think the "no going to counseling" would be a deal breaker for me. With all of his childhood issues and compulsive lying, it would be really hard for him to change on his own.
Together 13 years, married for 8