As much as I'd like to say that I never thought my husband would cheat on me, I think it's more truthful to say that I wanted to believe that he'd never cheat on me.
Our whole relationship, he's lied. Lied, lied, lied. But I was stupid enough to stay. To repeatedly go through the motions, and allow trust to build again. Stupid. I think I believed he was a better person than he did. (Or does?)
We met in 1998, married in 2001. He is strong, charming, handsome, so intelligent, and we have a genuinely good time together. We both felt we were a perfect match. Yet from the very beginning, he's lied to me. I found out 4 months after we started dating that he was married. They were long, long separated living in different states, but hasn't bothered to file. I had a key to his place, intros to both families and everything. (Yup, his family even hid his previous marriage. They're THAT fucked up). I found out when I saw mail addressed to both of them. He denied it at first, but caved when I showed him proof. I should have ran then.
Over the years, I caught him emailing, texting, or face booking multiple women. He swore it never got physical, and it was just friendly banter that went too far. Each time a transgression was discovered, he'd change mediums. He always refused to give me the code to his phone. Again, I should've ran then.
Fast forward to Feb of this year. I got a glimpse of his phone password. It took me a few days to muster the courage to sneak his phone & go through it. (Yes, I know.)
Pictures of him having sex with other women. I was sick. One was even a threesome. After I forwarded them to my email, I calmly woke him up, showed him the pictures, and threw up. He knew he was busted, and was silent. He quickly professed apologies, and I lost it. He ended up downstairs, and like an idiot, I chased after him demanding explanations & details. He seemed forthcoming with details, only to find out later most of them were lies. (Shocker!!)
Since then, we have talked a lot, and (I think) he has been more truthful with info. But I still have suspicions that I don't have the full story.
He started cheating in summer of 2012. He felt unappreciated, and like his wants didn't matter. He was mad that I wore sweats to bed, and (tmi) didn't often shave "down there." But he never communicated this to me! What's even more hurtful, is we have had truly some of the BEST times after this time. We took an awesome trip to Disneyland with our son, conceived DS2, and connected in ways that we admittedly hadn't in a long time. Boy was I wrong. He cheated 4 times from summer 2012 to may 2013 with a homewrecking skank he met online (he had a dating profile!! And yes, it had pictures of him with his face clearly visible, and listed him as married), the final time as a threesome with her friend. He is in a military branch, and used the evenings on his military weekends to hook up. He cheated an additional time in jan 2013 with a girl he met on a boys trip to Vegas. They supposedly never slept together on the trip. But she flew to the nearest big city to us (not sure why), and they slept together in a hotel room when he was supposed to be working. He drove his work car to see her. He says they didn't mean anything, but he was willing to risk his job, his military career, his marriage, his health, my health, our unborn child's health, etc to fuck these sleeze bitches WHO KNEW HE WAS MARRIED.
He says he regrets it. He is making strides to talk about his feelings, which he has NEVER done. He had a terrible childhood, and has seen things his parents did that no child should ever have to witness (infidelity, drugs, extreme physical and mental abuse, etc). His mother is an extremely selfish, trashy woman, who cheated on his abusive father, who also cheated. Both parents have other children conceived with other people, and they split when his half brother was born 30 years ago. They are the epitome of disfunctional.
Even now, I think he is a good man. He was dealt a shitty hand, and overall has made an amazing life for himself, against all odds. He is a good father. He has made some absolutely STUPID decisions. He guards himself, and just when he lets his guard down and gets comfortable & happy, it's like he has to freak out and bring disfunction into our lives. I almost feel like he does this on purpose, like he doesn't think he deserves to be happy.
Well, I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, DAMNIT!!
I have no idea what to do, and where to go from here. I have two beautiful children who also deserve a stable, loving environment. I grew up in a wonderful, loving family, and I want the same for my children.
He has a hard time completely letting go, and a hard time communicating without getting defensive. I can't even make a suggestion on how to do something without him hearing "you're doing it wrong" (which is not my intention).
Ugh. Phew. Feels good to get that out. If anyone is reading, sorry it's so long.