"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

SunshineSoul posted 5/16/2014 14:31 PM

As much as I'd like to say that I never thought my husband would cheat on me, I think it's more truthful to say that I wanted to believe that he'd never cheat on me.
Our whole relationship, he's lied. Lied, lied, lied. But I was stupid enough to stay. To repeatedly go through the motions, and allow trust to build again. Stupid. I think I believed he was a better person than he did. (Or does?)
We met in 1998, married in 2001. He is strong, charming, handsome, so intelligent, and we have a genuinely good time together. We both felt we were a perfect match. Yet from the very beginning, he's lied to me. I found out 4 months after we started dating that he was married. They were long, long separated living in different states, but hasn't bothered to file. I had a key to his place, intros to both families and everything. (Yup, his family even hid his previous marriage. They're THAT fucked up). I found out when I saw mail addressed to both of them. He denied it at first, but caved when I showed him proof. I should have ran then.
Over the years, I caught him emailing, texting, or face booking multiple women. He swore it never got physical, and it was just friendly banter that went too far. Each time a transgression was discovered, he'd change mediums. He always refused to give me the code to his phone. Again, I should've ran then.
Fast forward to Feb of this year. I got a glimpse of his phone password. It took me a few days to muster the courage to sneak his phone & go through it. (Yes, I know.)
Pictures of him having sex with other women. I was sick. One was even a threesome. After I forwarded them to my email, I calmly woke him up, showed him the pictures, and threw up. He knew he was busted, and was silent. He quickly professed apologies, and I lost it. He ended up downstairs, and like an idiot, I chased after him demanding explanations & details. He seemed forthcoming with details, only to find out later most of them were lies. (Shocker!!)
Since then, we have talked a lot, and (I think) he has been more truthful with info. But I still have suspicions that I don't have the full story.
He started cheating in summer of 2012. He felt unappreciated, and like his wants didn't matter. He was mad that I wore sweats to bed, and (tmi) didn't often shave "down there." But he never communicated this to me! What's even more hurtful, is we have had truly some of the BEST times after this time. We took an awesome trip to Disneyland with our son, conceived DS2, and connected in ways that we admittedly hadn't in a long time. Boy was I wrong. He cheated 4 times from summer 2012 to may 2013 with a homewrecking skank he met online (he had a dating profile!! And yes, it had pictures of him with his face clearly visible, and listed him as married), the final time as a threesome with her friend. He is in a military branch, and used the evenings on his military weekends to hook up. He cheated an additional time in jan 2013 with a girl he met on a boys trip to Vegas. They supposedly never slept together on the trip. But she flew to the nearest big city to us (not sure why), and they slept together in a hotel room when he was supposed to be working. He drove his work car to see her. He says they didn't mean anything, but he was willing to risk his job, his military career, his marriage, his health, my health, our unborn child's health, etc to fuck these sleeze bitches WHO KNEW HE WAS MARRIED.
He says he regrets it. He is making strides to talk about his feelings, which he has NEVER done. He had a terrible childhood, and has seen things his parents did that no child should ever have to witness (infidelity, drugs, extreme physical and mental abuse, etc). His mother is an extremely selfish, trashy woman, who cheated on his abusive father, who also cheated. Both parents have other children conceived with other people, and they split when his half brother was born 30 years ago. They are the epitome of disfunctional.

Even now, I think he is a good man. He was dealt a shitty hand, and overall has made an amazing life for himself, against all odds. He is a good father. He has made some absolutely STUPID decisions. He guards himself, and just when he lets his guard down and gets comfortable & happy, it's like he has to freak out and bring disfunction into our lives. I almost feel like he does this on purpose, like he doesn't think he deserves to be happy.
Well, I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, DAMNIT!!

I have no idea what to do, and where to go from here. I have two beautiful children who also deserve a stable, loving environment. I grew up in a wonderful, loving family, and I want the same for my children.
He has a hard time completely letting go, and a hard time communicating without getting defensive. I can't even make a suggestion on how to do something without him hearing "you're doing it wrong" (which is not my intention).

Ugh. Phew. Feels good to get that out. If anyone is reading, sorry it's so long.

Rubyrain posted 5/16/2014 14:59 PM

(((SunshineSoul)))

I'm so sorry. It must have been like a horror movie seeing those pictures. I can only imagine. I hope you won't be so understanding of him that you don't pay attention to your own pain. What he's brought on you is just so, so sad.

whatgives posted 5/16/2014 15:17 PM

Sunshine - I would hate to have those pictures in my head especially in the act. Not likely to get over that to quickly. Liars are hard to deal with especially when they are kind, loving in other aspects of their life. I've only been on here a week, so do lots of reading, go to the healing library. You will find lots of similar stories and different choices people make. It's helped me a lot this week to see that I wasn't alone and that my situation was as unique as I thought. I hope you find some peace girl. Don't take any of the blame for this. Get checked ASAP for STD's. That's the big one. Don't let him convince you he's fine and wore a condom. Good luck and sending some peace your way.

Mercilesslynuked posted 5/16/2014 15:18 PM

Hello SunshineSoul and welcome to the best club none of us ever wanted to join. You will find some excellent people and advice here; there is a saying take the advice you need and leave the rest that I hope you are able to follow.

Well, I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, DAMNIT!!

YOU MOST ABSOLUTELY DO! And please do not forget this very important fact throughout this rollercoaster you are embarking upon. Regardless of whether you S (separate), D (divorce) or R (reconcile), the standard timeframe is 2-5 years of ups and downs. This may sound daunting but there are thousands upon thousands here who can assure you, YOU WILL BE OK. Do not be startled if you shift all over the map from week to week, day to day, hour to hour, or even minute to minute. Please make sure you take care of your health and eat, drink (water!), sleep, and otherwise take care of yourself. It is not easy but you will feel better I promise.

Even now, I think he is a good man. He was dealt a shitty hand ... He guards himself, and just when he lets his guard down and gets comfortable & happy, it's like he has to freak out and bring disfunction into our lives. I almost feel like he does this on purpose, like he doesn't think he deserves to be happy.

Your husband sounds like my wayward as well and I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this, but even still it is absolutely NO excuse for cheating. Do not blame yourself for a second, you're just holding the one holding the dustpan so to speak. When you have some free time read the healing library in the upper left and I'd encourage the following books Not "Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass and After the Affair by Janis A. Spring. Your husband should also look into these books as well as How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald. Others much wiser than I will be along shortly to offer better advice but stick around we'd love to be there for you.

Best Wishes.

needfriendshere posted 5/16/2014 15:31 PM

It sounds like from what you have shared that - in spite of the many indiscretions he has committed - you intend to try to make the marriage work. At least that's how I read what you have shared. And in spite of all the lies and infidelity, I pray it works out for you two. With that said, if that is indeed your intent, here is what needs to be done NOW:

1.) He needs to start counseling - ASAP.
2.) You need to talk with him and make sure he is remorseful and willing to change
3.) He needs to get off of all the sites he is on - better yet, he should get off FB altogether
4.) Until he does anything, you need to check out the 180 program. It is listed in the Healing Library under FAQ's (or something like that) on the top of the page
5.) MC is a must at some point in the near future

My heart goes out to you. I can't even imagine what it was like to see the pictures you saw. You ask: "Who is he?" He sounds like a bonafide sex addict. And he needs help. But so do you. You need to make sure you are taking care of yourself during this very difficult time. Coming here was a good idea. I have garnered so much strength from the people in here - I can't even begin to tell you. Because of their courage, I knew I could move on. Because of their very honest advice, both my WH and I have sought the help we needed.

Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing. I am pretty new here too - my D-day was Valentine's Day 2014 and it took me a while to find this site too. I know there are people here who are much wiser in this area than I am. I just could not sit back and sit silently while I knew how you were suffering. I will add you to my prayer list if that's ok.

SunshineSoul posted 5/16/2014 19:02 PM

Thank you for the kind words!
I did pick up the book "After the Affair" and am hoping to have time to read it this weekend. With a 9 month old & 5 year old, who knows.

I just feel so stupid. I believed the best in him. Tried to bring out the best in him. Encouraged him and his dreams. He was a college drop out when we met, but now has his bachelors, masters, has a fantastic job, and is an officer in the military. (Don't want to be too specific)

I thought I brought out the best in him, but obviously that's not the case. I thought I was his "family."

I honestly don't know what I want to do. I told him last week that I was officially done, but then I couldn't bring myself to go through with filing for D.

Why is it so hard to just leave?

SunshineSoul posted 5/16/2014 19:08 PM

Thanks for the list! It's helpful.
1. He refuses to go to counseling.
2. He says he is remorseful, but how am I supposed to believe him? He's been making notable efforts, and I think is truly trying.
3. He's cancelled the dating site & sent a nc text to his former AP. I now have the code to his personal and work phone.
4. Thanks! I tried 180 for a few days, but I feel like such a bitch. Why do I feel like a bad person going through with that?
5. He's refusing ic & mc. I'm starting ic next week though.

tfkeel posted 5/16/2014 19:14 PM

Why is it so hard to just leave?

There can be a multitude of reasons:

A) no matter how bad, it is familiar, and somewhat comfortable

B) finances are intertwined

C) there are children to be co-parented

D) there may be religious convictions causing revulsion at the idea of separation or divorce

E) there is an extended family which should be maintained for the kids

F) we feel "responsible" to provide a home to our kids which is at least "as good" or "better" than the one we had

Not an easy choice, to say the least.

I have two beautiful children who also deserve a stable, loving environment.

The question is this: is the environment more "stable" and "loving" with you living there, or would it be more "stable" and "loving" with you separated ?

[This message edited by tfkeel at 7:18 PM, May 16th (Friday)]

SunshineSoul posted 5/16/2014 21:58 PM

I wish I could answer that.

Maybe I'm grasping, scared to be alone, or just plain delusional, but I can't shake the feeling we were meant to be together. I reread my post, and I would tell anyone else to leave. He slept with 2 women! While I was pregnant! I just don't understand how he could do that to me. I feel like a piece of me died.

Am I crazy??

[This message edited by SunshineSoul at 10:03 PM, May 16th (Friday)]

tfkeel posted 5/16/2014 22:49 PM

Am I crazy??

Not at all, unless countless others of us are also crazy.

You are describing mostly the same feelings, thoughts, and dilemmas I had when my WW decided to do her thing, and the same as many others I have communicated to on this, and other message boards over the last 10 years or so.

And, you need not be in any big hurry to answer the questions. The only thing that has changed is that you now have it confirmed in your mind that he is doing it. Your fact status has changed from suspicion to confirmation, that's all.

The only change is in you, he's unchanged by "Dday".

Apparently, he was unchanged by your marriage, and most likely, he was unchanged by his prior marriage, too.

I found out 4 months after we started dating that he was married.

Liar and selfish scoundrel since 98. And, before.
Liar then, liar now.

meant to be together

This is a wonderful sales pitch brought to us by those who make Hollywood movies and write novels, along with "and they lived happily ever after".
It works. It works to sell tickets and books.

However, in REAL life, people CHOOSE to be together, CHOOSE to be happy together. We choose
our own partners, we are not "meant" to be together.

We are "meant" to be truthful, faithful, and honest people who choose RIGHT instead of WRONG.
People who "do unto others" as they want others to
"do unto" them.

Take any two people who choose RIGHT instead of WRONG, and happy marriage can exist now, and can last forever, as long as they continue to choose RIGHT.

He says he is remorseful, but how am I supposed to believe him?

You are not supposed to believe him. Not at all, not even a little bit.

Besides, "remorse" is only the beginning of true contrition.

The kind of contrition necessary for someone to "convert" from lying scoundrel to faithful spouse
does not occur in a few days, not even in a few
months.

This takes time, and a continuum of ACTION on the part of the penitent.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 11:09 PM, May 16th (Friday)]

Gotmegood posted 5/16/2014 23:04 PM

He refuses counseling? I'm not so sure that should be a 'choice' for him. You indicate that he is a liar, will it be easy for you to continue to live with him with this character flaw....particularly after what you have found out about? Can you imagine trusting him, or anything he says? My advise to you is that whatever you want/need from him (passwords, promise to get IC, whatever it might be that YOU need) come down hard now. He's still in shock and should be feeling a ton of guilt. This is the time to extract things from him, not try to bargain with him later. If he feels that you are not strong enough to kick him out after what he's done, then he knows that he is still in a place of strength. Jockey for position NOW. Get strong, you are deserving of better than a life of this.

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/17/2014 05:23 AM

He's not remorseful.

If he were, as much as he may not WANT to go to counseling, he'd at least go in an effort to try to do everything he can to fix the mess he created.

Since he refuses to make any effort towards fixing this mess, all you're getting is lip service from him.

It means absolutely nothing.

SunshineSoul posted 5/17/2014 16:13 PM

Thanks for the tough love. I'm guessing you're right.

I'm devastated.

Mama3030 posted 5/17/2014 16:38 PM

Hi, I am so sorry you are going through this.

My WH also cheated on me (2 escorts, supposedly 2 occasions, also massage parlors) while I was pregnant. It hurts like nothing else ever has.

I think the "no going to counseling" would be a deal breaker for me. With all of his childhood issues and compulsive lying, it would be really hard for him to change on his own.

((((hugs))))