"Better not give in to it. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”
I am posting this here so I don't send it to STBX. Awfully tempted. And yes, I'm going in first thing on Monday to get my meds adjusted.
I hope your therapy is going well. I don't know, because you completely shut me out the last time I asked about family therapy. I sent you all the contact information. You have access to the kids' schedules. I have heard nothing back. Just so you are aware, I will be contacting your therapist to make sure that the boys are safe with you for unsupervised overnights.
I know you haven't asked and probably don't care, but my therapy has been sucessful in keeping us alive. I realize that the kids will need me for another fifteen years, until DS8 graduates from college. Maybe by then I will have found another reason to continue, like grandkids! That's the best that can be expected because I now know that there is only parental love. No one else can be trusted.
By "us", I mean you and I. Discovering that my life was built upon a lie has caused a lot of anger and pain. Romantic love is a mutual delusion, and it hurts alot when it is no longer mutual. I always thought that murder suicide was stupid and selfish. Now I understand the pain that can make it seem a reasonable course of action. Luckily, they make medications for that.
What they don't make medications for is the "Mama Bear" anger. I know that I fall somewhere below internet porn and above yard work on your list of priorities, but I had hoped that the kids were more important to you than that. I hope that the softball and bridge games that you put before time with your kids bring you happiness and fulfillment. I'm sure they are much more enjoyable than attending DS12's Band Concert, or DS8's Choir Musical.
As far as the Divorce goes, I honestly believe what I said about your lawyer wanting to jack up his fees. Your problem, not mine, except that his "renegotiating of things already decided" on the MSA, has also effected my legal fees. I have presented what I believe to be a reasonable MSA to my lawyer, who has given it to yours. You should have a copy by now. It is based on items we agreed to last Autumn.
If you do decide to renegotiate the financial part of our Divorce, that is your right. It is also my right to request that you cover half of my legal fees and an updated full financial disclosure, including your current earnings, expenses, savings, and IRA or 401k balances. I am not asking for anything that I cannot reasonably expect to get if we go to trial.
― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013