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Cheated on me for 10 years..

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April3216 posted 5/16/2014 17:46 PM

Very long story short-- I have been married to my highschool sweetheart for 4.5 years. We just had our first baby 3 weeks ago. I have received a letter in the mail of texts, emails, pictures and every other little bit of evidence from my husbands mistress from the PAST 10 YEARS. He has been cheating on me for TEN YEARS. There are no doubts in my mind from this letter. She mentioned tiny details nobody would know but him and I. Pictures of them at weddings, kissing, him telling her he wanted to divorce me after only 4 months of marriage, details of their "ridiculous" sex life, him having sex with her and seeing her and spending the night while I was pregnant, and him promising to leave me as soon as the baby was born. WHAT DO I DO??? Oh, I also forgot-- he got her pregnant twice, and she was pregnant while I was pregnant. The pictures are of them are the happiest I have ever seen him. TEN YEARS!! Please help.

momentintime posted 5/16/2014 17:53 PM

I am so sorry for your pain.

She sent all this to you because he isn't leaving! She wants to blow up your marriage and pressure him and strike out at you. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing how you feel or what your are thinking.

Have you confronted your H? Let him do most of the talking. We, BS, so often are all over the place and we fill the silence, when we should let that silence work for us. Take a breathe. Challenge him. If he wants to continue to see her then back away. Do the 180. Don't beg or plead. It just reinforces his wanting to distance himself from you, as seeing you as weak. As SI says, you have to be willing to risk the M to save it.

[This message edited by momentintime at 5:54 PM, May 16th (Friday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/16/2014 17:54 PM

Oh my God, I'm so sorry, April!!

If I live to be 200, I'll never understand why people choose to live dual lives like your husband has chosen to do for 10 years. He'd already been with her for 6 years before you even married. Why the hell would he go ahead with the wedding and create this entirely false reality for you? I'm so completely stumped on this.

I don't even have any words.

Just please know that you've been heard and my heart aches for you.

April3216 posted 5/16/2014 17:59 PM

Yes, she did this because he promised to be with her if she aborted her baby. He said to give him time to leave me, and she forced his hand, and I am the damage. I dont think there is any saving this. He was/is in love with her. I am reading their messages, and they sound deliriously in love. He NEVER should have married me! My baby is with my parents as I am not in a good mental state to handle my child, and my sister/brother are here. Sad thing is, all his friend at work know her and adore her. They went AWAY together. She included boarding passes. I am so shocked!!! I am surprised I am functioning

katiescarlett posted 5/16/2014 18:08 PM

Where is your husband? Have you confronted him?
This is all so horrendous. I'm very sorry for you. ((()))

April3216 posted 5/16/2014 18:11 PM

I kicked him out. He admitted everything, said he never should have married me, she is the love of his life... He never wanted our baby and made that known, but stuck with me anyway. He isn't sorry, he's sorry he got caught.

gutfeeling posted 5/16/2014 18:13 PM

Holy crap! There is something so..... what's the right word here.... sociopathic (!?!) about that level of betrayal.

I am so so sorry you find yourself in that position.

Eat, breathe, rest. You will make it through this!

Keep posting. How did he explain his going away to you? Have you confronted him?

gutfeeling posted 5/16/2014 18:13 PM

Holy hell. I am so so sorry.

I know that must hurt so bad right now. Deep breaths. Better to find out now that waste one more second of your life with that loser.

April3216 posted 5/16/2014 18:17 PM

Sociopath is right on the money. He is cop. His overnights with her are well explained with his job. He went away when he had "work conferences". I am literally shaking from all of this. My system has shut down. I cant believe that I have been so foolish for ten years. She literally covered all her bases so he wouldnt be able to lie his way out of this. What kind of person does this to someone? She is gorgeous too. I am a simple girl, she is stunning, tall, thin, just stunning, and i cant get these images out of my mind. She included a picture of him in her bed, roses he sent, his tshirt, her wearing his god

katiescarlett posted 5/16/2014 18:17 PM

Wow. He sounds like a huge selfish ass. Please know that you and your baby deserve so much better. Take care of yourself.

deena04 posted 5/16/2014 18:24 PM

(((April))) I am so sorry. No one deserves to be treated this way. Take care of yourself and your child. Eat, drink water, sleep, exercise, and be a mama. Breathe, just breathing was hard for me and still is sometimes. Get tested for STDs ASAP! Ask for a full panel. Read the Healing Library in the left of the screen and initiate the 180 hardcore. I am so sorry.

gutfeeling posted 5/16/2014 18:25 PM

Well, just remember this. That "stunning stunning" girl couldn't find her own man, and played second choice for 10 TEN!!!!!!!! years. Sounds more like pathetic and desperate than stunning.

Anyone can take a few pictures and show off a great relationship. Who know what she said/did to get those flowers (I should be properly appreciated or Ill tell April, etc.). Don't trust it for a second.

They're not happy. They're insanely unhappy or else he would have been with her 9.99 years ago.

He's picking her now because he thinks hes fucked up too badly for you and she's the only one that will have him.

Where I sit, the only stunning one here is you - he's a sociopath, she's pathetic, and you my dear should keep you head up and remember that!

April3216 posted 5/16/2014 18:28 PM

Thank you for those encouraging words. I have no clue why he wasnt just with her. I asked her, and he said that he was too comfortable with me, but that she is the one that kept our relationship together. Whenever she decided to not see him, he fell into depression (looking back now i know why). I can't help but feel like the loser in all of this. Jesus, even if he TOLD me himself I would feel better right now. He definitely fucked up with me, because I wont be that asshole, not when everyone knew about her but me...

annb posted 5/16/2014 18:37 PM

April, so sorry your husband has put you through all of this trauma.

You are young, and you WILL survive this. Hell, you will even THRIVE without him.

I suggest on Monday morning you start making phone calls to attorney offices, set up a consult, and start the process of financially protecting you and your baby.

This OW is nothing but a pathetic piece of trash who was willing to settle for the crumbs he gave her.

Hold your head up high. Take care of yourself as best as you can. Your baby needs one parent who has her best interests at heart.

Get yourself into counseling, a GOOD counselor. She will help guide you through the emotions and come out on top!

April3216 posted 5/16/2014 18:41 PM

I feel like the pathetic one because I couldnt satisfy him... clearly given that he had an amazing relationship with her. She can have him, he will do the same to her.

I need to get a divorce like yesterday. I wont be swayed by him, I can't.

I am in a no fault state which sucks, and I make too much money for him to give me alimony, but I will have to make him pay in other ways, I just never thought Id have to go down this path.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I dont know how i will survive this, but I have no choice

Better4it posted 5/16/2014 18:51 PM

April, I'm so sorry you're in this place. Hang on, this to shall pass.

Chicky posted 5/16/2014 18:51 PM

"I feel like the pathetic one because I couldnt satisfy him... "

Not at all true! You are NOT pathetic. You loved honestly and authenticly - he is the broken piece of a man who couldn't appreciate the gift of you.

"clearly given that he had an amazing relationship with her."

How amazing could their slutfest really have been if he couldn't be honest about it and show her off in the light of day?

"She can have him, he will do the same to her."

Yes, he will - count on it!

"I need to get a divorce like yesterday. I wont be swayed by him, I can't."

Yes you do. Put those wheels in motion first thing Monday morning. If you find yourself being swayed, just think of what he has done.

"I am in a no fault state which sucks, and I make too much money for him to give me alimony, but I will have to make him pay in other ways, I just never thought Id have to go down this path."

Good for you that you are not tied to him financially. Many people have to endure this hell much longer due to finances. He WILL have to pay you child support and your child deserves it so don't let him off the hook.

"I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I dont know how i will survive this, but I have no choice"

As previously stated, you WILL survive and you WILL thrive. Don't doubt it for one minute.

(((((hugs to you and your beautiful baby)))))

[This message edited by Chicky at 6:52 PM, May 16th (Friday)]

April3216 posted 5/16/2014 18:57 PM

Thank you for breaking down my sentences, that actually helped.

Funny thing is, he showed her off... they went out together, did he want to get caught?!?

I am so glad I can provide for my child on my own, but my baby deserves child support... and unfortunately deserves to know his POS father who will want to be involved (even though he didnt want my baby).

I dont think I can be swayed, I mean, Ok. Once, fine.. but ten years? It's another life/relationship. He came clean and told me she didnt know about me until she got pregnant and wanted the baby, he had to tell her. Stupid for her for hanging around, but he's a manipulative SOB. I really hope I live in this anger, because depression is a scary place for me.

tfkeel posted 5/16/2014 19:28 PM

I really hope I live in this anger, because depression is a scary place for me.

Don't be fooled into thinking that your anger will avoid depression.

Freud defined depression as "anger turned inward".

You have already made a statement which is a "red flag" for depression:

I feel like the pathetic one because I couldnt satisfy him...

This is it. Anger turned inward at yourself for failing to accomplish some self-imposed, arbitrary "standard" which cannot be measured.

JanaGreen posted 5/16/2014 19:36 PM

Hey lady, I am the one who was replying to you in the other forum (I use a completely different name here). I'm really glad you joined here, as you can see there are tens of thousands of people who have unfortunately gone through the same thing.

Please never say you are pathetic, you were a loving & faithful wife. Your H put you in a competition without ever telling you. How could you possibly win? You are normal & healthy; he is broken. You will move on from this & be heathy; he & the OW will remain locked in dysfunction - and they deserve each other.

I'm very sorry for the pain you're going through. I know it's awful now but I can promise you that you WILL get through this. ((Hugs))

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