In my opinion, a spouse who cheats does not respect their spouse. But above all they do not respect themselves. If one does not respect oneself, how can one respect their spouse?
We also know, that most male WS would not give us a second chance if the tables were turned. It is always harder for a man to forgive infidelity.
The question is: Having given our WS a second chance, having decided to R,does our WS respect us after all? Or does he perceive us as weak women who for whatever reason made the decision to R?And maybe that's why some are repeat offenders? Or maybe that is why some continue contact with the AP?
[This message edited by MammaMia at 9:14 PM, May 16th (Friday)]
If he only knew, what a great life really is. But I do, and it's not surrounded alone with stuff.
Some can convince themselves of pretty wacky sh*t to justify their actions and not feel the pain. Others feel the pain and never do it again.
My WW has acknowledged she cannot understand how I could ever have extended her R as an option when even she knew her actions were so wrong. She did not accept my precios gift not because I as a man wasn;t strong enough to forgive and work to heal ,but because she wasn't. Even today, it is so mucheasier to spin and lie to protect herself from the realization of her own choices. Oh the webs we weave.
If your WS truly wants to R and is doing what you have requested, that shows you your respect. Anything else is pointless.
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
a spouse who cheats does not respect their spouse. But above all they do not respect themselves. If one does not respect oneself, how can one respect their spouse?
..my WW admited she had no respect for me to do what she did with our best friend (for 18 years) and little did I know the complete lack of respect my old friend had for me and my marriage and my family.
..I know now that 'respect' for me or for themselves was the LAST thing on their minds each and every time they met up.
..they were both selfishly motivated, him for the bjs and her for the power and control she felt she had over him.
At the beginning of their betrayal, I don't think either of them even had an idea of what respect was, let alone why it should have been a reason to NOT do what they did.
..there is a part of me that doesn't respect myself for staying with her after D-day#3.. I stayed for my children back in 1987..they were 11 and 3.. I respected my decision to stay then, not knowing the whole truth, ..
..I still wrestle with my decision to stay after 2009 when the whole story came out..
I'm not sure if she respects me for staying now, she'd say she does but I think sometimes she's just glad I am, ..for her own benefits to holding this 42 year marriage together.
..can you love someone but not respect them???
..she's been trying to earn my respect again and I've been trying to rebuild it for both our sakes!
[This message edited by somanyyears at 10:30 PM, May 16th (Friday)]
Somanyyears: What a great question!!!!!!Thought provoking
No, You cannot love someone and not respect them.
You can respect but not love the person.We respect many people in life but we do not necessarily love them ( I mean: love= to be in love with)
But no: you cannot be in love with someone and not respect them. Love and respect go together.
At least that's how I see it.
I also feel my H was in love with me even when he was disrespecting me by having As. Yes, I realize that he was doing hurtful terrible things, but he compartmentalized and never fully allowed himself to realize the consequences of his actions til DDay. His actions were completely disrespectful, but yet he was loving and affectionate towards me even during the As. The As were his suffering, his issues and his terrible choices, but he never allowed himself to realize how much he was hurting me, the person he loved the most in the world and who's love he felt the least deserving of...but I don't doubt that he always loved me, even when he was in self destruct mode and took me down with him.
if, in R you rugswept and allowed yourself to be gaslighted then I imagine the WS would have no respect for the betrayed.
If, however in true R your betrayed made you accountable for your actions (and I dont mean punished) and together you worked toward unity .. that would earn respect in my books.
I think continued contact with the AP is only getting hits of the crack pipe again and has nothing to do with the feelings of the WS. In fact, I would guess the WS feels like shit about themselves for continuing to go there.
I don't even contemplate if my husband respects me as a BS. i have to respect myself first. Everyone else after that seems small.
I understand what you say. But I would think that as married couples, committed to each other, we would expect to be respected by our spouses. Your comment " everyone else after that seems small" contradicts the above. It says that it is not important whether our spouse respects us or not, esp. as a BS. Why would we then marry someone that is irrelevant to us whether they respect us or not?
When he finally told me everything after Dday 2, it took awhile for me to feel that he could actually respect me for being committed to him as my life partner, because I loved him, but eventually I did. I could do without him. He knew it. I knew it. I had lost respect for myself in our marriage, and I had to get it back for me, first. There will be no "one more chance". We are already well past the point of what I am able to forgive on my own.
... having decided to R,does our WS respect us after all? Or does he perceive us as weak women who for whatever reason made the decision to R
I questioned this as well. here's a gem/analogy from our MC about this subject (paraphrasing, cause I can't remember what I had for dinner, much less what was said 8 years ago).
let's say you parachuted as a hobby, and your partner packed your chute every time over the years and there was never a problem.
then one day you jump, pull the cord and ... nothing happens.
still, after that, you decide to try it again.
does your partner respect your decision or do they think you're a fool?
do you just let them pack your chute then blindly jump? or do you insist that they go back to chute packing school and watch them pack the chutes over and over again before you even think about jumping?
then add in, does your partner balk at the thought that they need to relearn how to pack the chute and that you need to SEE them do it and double check their work? or, do they willingly and earnestly encourage you to see their progress and extend patience with you while you build up the confidence and trust to jump again?
a ws that can appreciate and be humbled at the fact that a bs can give them another chance and really understands the emotional risk the bs is taking respects them for their decicion.
a ws that thinks they're entitled, deserves another chance without doing the hard work, and is only feeling their own ego doesn't.
in the end, whether or not they respect you for your decision or not, you ALWAYS learn how to pack your own back up chute. respecting yourself is what ultimately matters.
My W started out saying she respected me throughout her A. (She cheated even though our M was good.) It turns out there were times/events in which she did not respect me. She owned it and started to make amends. I decided on R. She continued to make amends.
BTW, I write the following to share a different perspective on the 'gift of R'. I'm not arguing other perspectives are wrong; just that what follows is my view, and it's working for me. The 'gift' perspective works for others.
I think my W sees the offer of R as a gift, but I see it more as a contract. My first task was to decide what I wanted. When I decided I wanted R, I negotiated what that would require from her, and my W asked for me to do some things.
OTOH, my W made it plain from a moment after revealing her A that she wanted to R, and she started showing it by answering my Qs, working hard in IC & MC, etc. So, although I use the term 'negotiate', it was pretty much organic and totally non-confrontational.
Anyway, different strokes for different folks.