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How do I take back control from the OW

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stunnedmullet posted 5/16/2014 21:40 PM

I feel like the OW has so much control, she took the sacredness from our marriage, I don't feel like I can move back to our home state as she is there even though my family and eldest daughter are there, WH and her shared something special and he turned to her and was happier with her than with me. I almost feel like their A has negated the previous 19 years of our life together because I believed he could never destroy me like this.

I feel like the last 12 months has been a lie that she shared with him and I was the stupid one left in the dark. I have lost so much and I felt like WH broke it down and she stomped on the remains and then set them on fire and blew the ashes away.

How do I move on? How do I stop her controlling me and my ability to move forward. I honestly think if I came across her I would stab her. For some reason I still love WH and want to find a way to move forward but I can't get her out of my mind and she is destroying the last few remnants I can see of myself

Allornothing posted 5/16/2014 23:53 PM


It's natural that you feel this way at the moment, it's still very early days. The shock that you felt on D-day probably hasn't left you yet.

Please remember that OW only has as much control over you as you give her; If you want to return to your home state, your family, and your daughter, then do it. That decision is YOURS, and to factor OW into it is to give her power; power that she has no right to, and doesn't deserve. Always remember that this is a person who had so little self-value that she was willing to hang around and wait for your scraps, rather than find a man who would treat her as more than a dirty little secret.

What she and your husband had wasn't anywhere close to special; it was pathetic, hidden, and shameful, definitely not something to be proud of or happy about.

These people are broken, and need a lot of work. If your marriage is worth it, you'll get there, but it takes that dreaded word: time.

If your WH does the work, and makes you feel safe, eventually OW will become irrelevant to you both. Please don't spend any time thinking about her being "special", think about the gift you have given your WH by not leaving, and how REALLY special (and brave, and strong) that makes YOU.

Sending strength, hon.

Gemstone posted 5/17/2014 00:36 AM

Hi stunned

We all know how you feel, all been there and done that.
The 'specialness' of your marriage has been destroyed and only time and true remorsefulness and hard work from your husband will ever build you a new specialness.

I liken the whore to a slug, who has left a slimey trail over every bit of my life and marriage, it is taking a long time to get that slime removed.

If you want to R and he is doing everything to help you, then you can get there and she WILL gradually become less important. It is not easy, and there will be times when you slip back and after weeks of it being a little easier, it just flares up again.

Everything that allornothing said is spot on. She does NOT have the power here, YOU do.
She is nothing but a cockroach to be stamped on.

It is so hard to comprehend how our strong and trustworthy husbands do this to us, we all believe they are the last man on earth who would treat us like this, but they did and we have a choice to walk away or stay if we think they are worth it and are putting in the time.

I know you don't want to hear that it is still such early days for you cos we all know how it feels like a lifetime, but it is and you are still in shock and hurting so much.

Don't let this worthless piece of s...t of a woman have ANY control over your decisions

Stay strong (((((((hugs))))))

12yearsloyal posted 5/17/2014 09:04 AM

I agree with what everyone else is saying. My D dsy was a few weeks before yours. It gets better. WH is making good effort for R. That has helped take the OW power away. If your WH wants R it should happen naturally that the OW will lose any power. Really she never had any power, it just seems that way. Once WH realizes what a mistake he made then the OW will/should become very insignificant. It helped me also that the OW was very ugly and I reminded WH of that fact that I was shocked how could he go with OW, keep the lights out. LOL.

They really are broken, low self esteem people and that is one of the reasons they chose to sneak off and have an A. So don't worry it will get better. You are a strong person and you will get stronger. Look at it for what it really is, too low functioning people getting together to make themselves feel better, only the A does not do this for them they just think it will.

Skan posted 5/17/2014 09:10 AM

stunnedmullet, if she HAD the power, then she wouldn't have been the hidden piece on the side. OW would have been the primary person in someone's life, exhibited to one and all as a prize for admiration and approval. Instead, frankly, she was a hole. Just a hole that said OK to being plugged up whenever your WH needed to pump his bilges.

How special is that?


hopefull77 posted 5/17/2014 12:38 PM

The OW in my case was so 'special' he threw her under the bus on dday ... the moment the A saw the LIGHT of day...poof all landed in the trash where it started..then the REAL work began...
yes she is now part of our history...but that's what it is...history...
I know there is a great thread here somewhere titled they always affair down....
just remember they were 2very broken people...
eventually she will become insignificant ...
At 18 months out and an extremely remorseful husband who thanks me almost daily for this second chance she becomes less and less ....

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