How do I feel better about myself in this situation and be strong if I see her? I feel embarrassed that my husband ditched me and she knows it.
Also should add that she befriended me during the A and I liked her (not knowing anything) and was so nice to her and her children. So there an extra level of humiliation. She made a fool of me. And FWH let her.
[This message edited by Ambergray at 6:45 AM, May 17th (Saturday)]
"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
The OW in my case is now separated and has aged about 10 years since I last saw her (about 1 year ago). She is now simply a sad reminder of how messed up WH's thinking was. He does not compare me to her...only I do that. Now after 2 years, when I compare myself to her I come out on top.
I don't care what she thinks anymore because she doesn't matter. She is simply someone so desperate to feel loved that she took my scraps. I t took me a long time to get to this point...and a lot of therapy. Hang in there it does get better.
[This message edited by Zayda1 at 6:51 AM, May 17th (Saturday)]
It's tough. Very tough stuff. I would feel better and perhaps be further along if I didn't have to see them. And, had a spouse that realized how horrible it is for me. He says he knows it is but doesnt' do anything but comfort me. And lack of action, IMHO, mean a lot.
We can sit here and wax on about him choosing himself and not her, and that it didn't have anything to do with you. I understand how you feel though. Humiliated.
Are you in IC? This may help.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
I used to feel the way you did about her feeling smug because she pulled one over on me.
But that is what SOCIOPATHS do! They get off knowing they were "smarter" than someone else and got away with something.
We will never understand because we are not sociopaths. Read up on them. It's scarey. Thank God they didn't want us dead. I just read the book A Deadly Game about Scott Peterson - Laci Peterson's murderer. His personna and the OW personna is EERILY the same. It gave me a whole new viewpoint of OW and completely transformed the way I think about her and I power I HAD been giving her in my mind.
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
My friend said the next morning, that we should have come back at closing time, to watch how scared she was walking to her car that night!
I didn't die... I didn't freak out... And now, I no longer freak out whenever we go places.
I am scared to see her bcuz i might go to jail for beating the snot and shit out of her. I think all my lifes anger will come out and she will end up in critical condition w her life in the trauma nurses hands
I am so fuckin angry. I look forward to IC so i can heal. This is affectg how i deal w my kids and i cant hav them sufferg bcuz i cant manage my anger
I was, however, not above laughing at her stupid ass. She was so scared that I was going to kick her ass. That fear, was even better than me actually kicking her ass... How many evenings did she go to work, horrified that I had found her, and may come in? Was that the night I came to kick her ass? I also resisted the urge to eat at Texas Roadhouse every night for the rest of my life, just to keep her scared shitless. I would love to fill that restaurant with women, who sit and stare at her the whole time, though. Let her think I found all of her john's wives... It'd be worth all the weight I'd gain!
[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 9:09 AM, May 17th (Saturday)]
What helped me regain my footing was realizing that none of the OW (plural) could hold a candle to me. I conducted myself with honor and integrity which they completely lacked. Even before getting married, I was never chump enough to become involved with a married man, no matter what sad story he told or how well he could lie.
Then I had a good look at what the A was really like. Despite all the "love" between WH and OW along with all the bad mouthing lies he told about me, he never left me for any of them. You can look at this two ways. Even though WH claimed to her that he was unhappy with me and no longer loved me, he still chose to stay with me. To me, that says he would rather be miserable with me than spend his life with OW. That had to mess with OW's mind a bit. On the other hand, if OW had two brain cells clicking together, she would have realized WH was full of crap and lying to her about me and our marriage. She would have realized WH was lying to her just as much as he was lying to me and that he was using us both.
I realized that I did not make a fool out of myself by having trusted my WH. WH and all of the OW totally and completely made fools out of themselves. OW showed their lack of morals. While they weren't branded with a scarlet A, they did catch a lot of flack. When I outed the A with OW#6 to their co-workers, the poor thing boohooed to WH about how everyone was calling her names and giving her crap. OW couldn't handle it and took a 6 week LOA. WH lost a lot of respect as well.
I have run into OW#6 since then. She tucked tail, lowered her head, tried to cover her face with a hoodie she was wearing, and tried to get by me unnoticed. All I could think was "I know who you are and I know what you did. And yes, I'm the bitch that outed you so that everyone knows the home-wrecking tramp that you are."
Hopefully you will find your inner bitch and use that to help you get through this. It really helped me.
It has taken time but I now see this strong personality seemingly confident OW for what she is. Someone who would settle for a cheater. I am sure her perspective is still full of ego boosting how she got a younger man from his hot wife, I cant change that but what I can change is how I view her. I now see her as the sad pathetic person who settled for the dark side of this man. The only part of him she got was the selfish Ahole and if she wanted that small piece of him it says a lot about her. Its hard but you will never be able yo change how she views things, just remember her perspective is self preservation and probably hiding a lot of insecurities too. Like in my case I know now the OW was insecure about her age and how fun she truly was. I know she felt unattractive compared to me and I remind myself that anything she was throwing in my face was likely something she deeply felt insecure about in herself. Im not sure what the Ows insecurities were in your case but I do believe that someone who is capable of this is hardly the strong confident person we paint them to be in our minds. Anyone with self respect and confidence would not need a piece of someone elses man to feel good about themselves...truly confident women know they get their strength from within...not stealing someone elses man or comparing themselves to his wife...that kind of person is weak and insecure IMO.
On your worst day, you are still better! From the bone marrow, outward, you are better.
[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 8:15 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]
No, he never left to be with her, only diverted his attention to her for the length of the A. He also broke it off with her long before I ever found out. So he wasn't forced to break it off with her. I didn't know anything for months.
[This message edited by Ambergray at 9:24 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]
[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:42 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)]