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Ambergray posted 5/17/2014 06:40 AM

I feel like she will always feel like she took my husband away from me for a while (about 18 months). No, he didn't leave, but she was his focus, not me. I have always had low self esteem and it just makes me feel bad about myself, even though I read over and over that's it's about FWH and his issues. I just think if I ever see her that she will look at me with pity/disgust and like yeah I had your man. Plus the fact that all she heard about me were complaints. I just feel such anxiety over ever seeing her. And it's really inevitable in our area that I won't see her, although I have managed not to for almost a year.

How do I feel better about myself in this situation and be strong if I see her? I feel embarrassed that my husband ditched me and she knows it.

Also should add that she befriended me during the A and I liked her (not knowing anything) and was so nice to her and her children. So there an extra level of humiliation. She made a fool of me. And FWH let her.

[This message edited by Ambergray at 6:45 AM, May 17th (Saturday)]

Zayda1 posted 5/17/2014 06:49 AM

I felt the same way for a long time. I have been saying to myself over and over and over again "You are a good person, you are kind, you are smart, you are loving, you are funny, you deserve to be happy.". Keep saying this until you believe it.

The OW in my case is now separated and has aged about 10 years since I last saw her (about 1 year ago). She is now simply a sad reminder of how messed up WH's thinking was. He does not compare me to her...only I do that. Now after 2 years, when I compare myself to her I come out on top.

I don't care what she thinks anymore because she doesn't matter. She is simply someone so desperate to feel loved that she took my scraps. I t took me a long time to get to this point...and a lot of therapy. Hang in there it does get better.

[This message edited by Zayda1 at 6:51 AM, May 17th (Saturday)]

rachelc posted 5/17/2014 07:26 AM

someday you may get to a point where you don't care what she thinks.
I have felt some of the same feelings. and I get it. If THEY knew about ME but I didn't about THEM, well then for a while, he chose them.
He even admits dating during our marriage. So, I was dropped. I just didnt' know it.

It's tough. Very tough stuff. I would feel better and perhaps be further along if I didn't have to see them. And, had a spouse that realized how horrible it is for me. He says he knows it is but doesnt' do anything but comfort me. And lack of action, IMHO, mean a lot.

We can sit here and wax on about him choosing himself and not her, and that it didn't have anything to do with you. I understand how you feel though. Humiliated.

Are you in IC? This may help.

homewrecked2011 posted 5/17/2014 07:40 AM

Same thing happened to me, Ambergray. Do you live in SC or NC by any chance. The OW and my H did the exact same thing to me. It was DEVESTATING.

I used to feel the way you did about her feeling smug because she pulled one over on me.

But that is what SOCIOPATHS do! They get off knowing they were "smarter" than someone else and got away with something.

We will never understand because we are not sociopaths. Read up on them. It's scarey. Thank God they didn't want us dead. I just read the book A Deadly Game about Scott Peterson - Laci Peterson's murderer. His personna and the OW personna is EERILY the same. It gave me a whole new viewpoint of OW and completely transformed the way I think about her and I power I HAD been giving her in my mind.

steadfast1973 posted 5/17/2014 07:57 AM

I was horrified at the thought of running into the hooker in public. Gave me panic attacks every time I went out. (I am already agorophobic, so it got much worse...) Then, finally, after much urging from my fwh and my friend, going through the same... I went with her to a class... Then we took her baby to dinner, and who was the restaurant hostess?? The whore. Yep. At first I was like, No! Then, I noticed... She was way more freaked out at my presence than I was hers... And in person, even 20 years her senior, and 20 pounds heavier... I was way more attractive than she was. She was so scared of me. She was shaking... She had her eyes on our table the whole time... She spilled a drink on another customer's table. And told our waitress, we were there to beat her up (yeah, because I always take a 9 month old baby to beat up prostitutes ) . The waitress told us that she was a "crazy bitch", always afraid someone is going to try and fight her... (Yeah, that's what happens when you fuck married men for money )

My friend said the next morning, that we should have come back at closing time, to watch how scared she was walking to her car that night!

I didn't die... I didn't freak out... And now, I no longer freak out whenever we go places.

Imissmyhusb posted 5/17/2014 08:41 AM

I can relate to the humiliation as my WH turned to her and allowed a lot of it as well. She also tried to befriend me, etc.

I am scared to see her bcuz i might go to jail for beating the snot and shit out of her. I think all my lifes anger will come out and she will end up in critical condition w her life in the trauma nurses hands

I am so fuckin angry. I look forward to IC so i can heal. This is affectg how i deal w my kids and i cant hav them sufferg bcuz i cant manage my anger

devasted30 posted 5/17/2014 08:53 AM

I think we probably give the OW too much credit. Too much intelligence. My WS told both of his LTA OW that he loved them and life with me was horrible. He said he was going to leave me, but the timing was never right. He made plans with them and then he didn't leave for a very long time. He had to explain to them how we could go on so many vacations etc. and they friggin believed him. The first OW gave up after about 8 months. The 2nd one never did. And he did eventually leave me. But he wasn't running to her, he was running away from me and some crisis that had happened in his life. After 2 months he asked to come home. And he dropped her like a hot potato. Sent her a NC letter and told her the whole truth. Does she believe it? I doubt it. They believe what they want to believe. They both knew he was married from the start. How intelligent is that to have an affair with a married man and knowing it from the start. They both knew he was looking for a "kinky" partner. Not a new wife. But, they still hooked up with him and started to plan a future. Seriously, is that someone you want to make a life with? Is that someone you could trust? Really???????

steadfast1973 posted 5/17/2014 09:08 AM

I was also afraid of that, Imissmyhusb. But I was better than her. And so are you.

I was, however, not above laughing at her stupid ass. She was so scared that I was going to kick her ass. That fear, was even better than me actually kicking her ass... How many evenings did she go to work, horrified that I had found her, and may come in? Was that the night I came to kick her ass? I also resisted the urge to eat at Texas Roadhouse every night for the rest of my life, just to keep her scared shitless. I would love to fill that restaurant with women, who sit and stare at her the whole time, though. Let her think I found all of her john's wives... It'd be worth all the weight I'd gain!

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 9:09 AM, May 17th (Saturday)]

Furious1 posted 5/17/2014 09:14 AM

For quite a while, I felt totally humiliated because of what WH did. Sometimes I still do.

What helped me regain my footing was realizing that none of the OW (plural) could hold a candle to me. I conducted myself with honor and integrity which they completely lacked. Even before getting married, I was never chump enough to become involved with a married man, no matter what sad story he told or how well he could lie.

Then I had a good look at what the A was really like. Despite all the "love" between WH and OW along with all the bad mouthing lies he told about me, he never left me for any of them. You can look at this two ways. Even though WH claimed to her that he was unhappy with me and no longer loved me, he still chose to stay with me. To me, that says he would rather be miserable with me than spend his life with OW. That had to mess with OW's mind a bit. On the other hand, if OW had two brain cells clicking together, she would have realized WH was full of crap and lying to her about me and our marriage. She would have realized WH was lying to her just as much as he was lying to me and that he was using us both.

I realized that I did not make a fool out of myself by having trusted my WH. WH and all of the OW totally and completely made fools out of themselves. OW showed their lack of morals. While they weren't branded with a scarlet A, they did catch a lot of flack. When I outed the A with OW#6 to their co-workers, the poor thing boohooed to WH about how everyone was calling her names and giving her crap. OW couldn't handle it and took a 6 week LOA. WH lost a lot of respect as well.

I have run into OW#6 since then. She tucked tail, lowered her head, tried to cover her face with a hoodie she was wearing, and tried to get by me unnoticed. All I could think was "I know who you are and I know what you did. And yes, I'm the bitch that outed you so that everyone knows the home-wrecking tramp that you are."

Hopefully you will find your inner bitch and use that to help you get through this. It really helped me.

sunvalley posted 5/17/2014 10:08 AM

I share a lot of this concern because the OW in my case was as threatening and narcissistic as they come. She blamed me for his As and went off about how fun it was. But heres the thing, these were her own insecurities shining through. She had nothing on me and she knew it. I have morals, grace, an educated, attractive and young....none of which she can same the same about herself and I remind myself and my low self esteem of this. Women who chase another womans man are IMO in a competition with people they dont even have the guts to go against face to face. You didnt even know you were competing with someone and you still won. You kept your integrity and dedication/trust in your spouse and he let you down. But you in no way compromised yourself to win him from someone else....she did.

It has taken time but I now see this strong personality seemingly confident OW for what she is. Someone who would settle for a cheater. I am sure her perspective is still full of ego boosting how she got a younger man from his hot wife, I cant change that but what I can change is how I view her. I now see her as the sad pathetic person who settled for the dark side of this man. The only part of him she got was the selfish Ahole and if she wanted that small piece of him it says a lot about her. Its hard but you will never be able yo change how she views things, just remember her perspective is self preservation and probably hiding a lot of insecurities too. Like in my case I know now the OW was insecure about her age and how fun she truly was. I know she felt unattractive compared to me and I remind myself that anything she was throwing in my face was likely something she deeply felt insecure about in herself. Im not sure what the Ows insecurities were in your case but I do believe that someone who is capable of this is hardly the strong confident person we paint them to be in our minds. Anyone with self respect and confidence would not need a piece of someone elses man to feel good about themselves...truly confident women know they get their strength from within...not stealing someone elses man or comparing themselves to his wife...that kind of person is weak and insecure IMO.

sunvalley posted 5/17/2014 10:17 AM

Sorry I meant to say at the end there that if you do run into her, hold your head high and ignore her. She cannot read the insecurities in your mind. Allow her to feel like the nothing she deserves to be in your world and walk the other way. I stilk hqvent run into the OW in my case either but if I do I will not give her the pleasure of seeing my inner suffering. I take care of myself and look nice when I go out...for my own sake but if she should happen to see me looking nice and composed well thats an added perk because I know I wont be self critiquing later.

steadfast1973 posted 5/17/2014 10:46 AM

Oh, I looked like crap, when I ran into her. Had just gotten over the flu... And was still better.

On your worst day, you are still better! From the bone marrow, outward, you are better.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 8:15 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]

hopefull77 posted 5/17/2014 13:05 PM

In my case the OW divorced her spouse...I read somewhere that if they haven't left their spouse in 3 months they most likely won't leave the marriage...on dday she became history guess she didn't get the memo ....she showed up in the parking garage at his office to return all the 'gifts' he gave her and cried about 'but we love each other ' 4 months after dday..
Then tried texting a few times 4 months after that...that's when the number was blocked from H cell phone....
I think if I ever ran into her I'd look the other way...ignore ignore ignore...bye bye

Ostrich80 posted 5/17/2014 20:08 PM

Just remember, if your having all of these feelings and he is with you, there's plenty of things running thru her mind. If I'm understanding correctly, he went to live with her then came back home?
So she is probably thinking:
1. Wow even after he told me how unhappy he was with bs..he went back
2. He went back AFTER we tried to have a relationship..hmm what did I do to drive him back home
So I'm sure she has her own humiliation, after all she tried to take your husband, but he didn't want her. I bet she will be more scared than you are. She made a fool of herself by thinking she could take him and now he's with you. You were the innocent in this, she's the slut that now looks like an idiot.
She's a skank and she can't get away from that.

Ambergray posted 5/18/2014 16:18 PM

Thanks for all the replies. Lots of good advice!

No, he never left to be with her, only diverted his attention to her for the length of the A. He also broke it off with her long before I ever found out. So he wasn't forced to break it off with her. I didn't know anything for months.

[This message edited by Ambergray at 9:24 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]

Ostrich80 posted 5/20/2014 01:41 AM

Oops I misunderstood, I thought he had left to be with her for 18 months, then came back. Well any hoo, he chose his wife, she got burned.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:42 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)]