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5 years and ???

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devistatedmom posted 5/17/2014 10:29 AM

May 15th was 5 years since he walked. We were legally sep by August, then the divorce done a year later at Christmas (3 1/2 years).

I thought by this point life would be good. In many ways it is. Have had ups and downs with the kids, but right now, the 3 of us are in a good space. Getting DS ready to go to college in the fall, school almost done for the year, DD had a pretty good start to HS and we are dealing more or less ok with her panic issues.

I'm 5 years out, house poor, lonely. Housing wise I would do the same thing again, because the alternative would have been homelessness, or having my kids go to a school that I KNOW would have taken my DD down a different path. Not an option.

So, here I sit. Life isn't bad, but it isn't good. I struggle money wise. XH pays his CS, but has more or less given up all his visitation, and is verrrryyy slow paying for any of the extras. I don't even ask him for half of them anymore because it just isn't worth it. The kids, DD especially, just assume they can't do the expensive stuff, the smaller stuff, I just pay so they can go without listening to him whine.

I'm broke. I try meetup groups, but have only found one group close to home to spend time with, and although they are a lovely group of women, most times they are meeting up for dinners and such which I just can't afford to do too often.

I spend my time trying to make extra cash and trying to declutter my house, which is an endless battle. I can't sell until I do, I can't afford to fix the things I need to fix around here. I know moving would help; Going to take me forever to get to show ready, and I know I'm going to "lose" money because the house needs so many updates/fixes. I doubt I'll be able to put it on the market before DD finishes high school, 3 years. My money situation will be worse by that point probably.

I don't know. I'm ok. I'm glad I D him, I see so many things now that I refused to acknowledge before. I just keep waiting for things to get better in my new life. I keep trying to "get out there", "do things", "make things happen." Well, I did, and nothing happened.

I'm not really down, I'm just starting to think that maybe I'm just meant to sit alone after the kids are gone. Few real friends, no relationship, I just don't see how to change it anymore. I thought by this point, I'd "have it all" again. Guess I was wrong.

fireproof posted 5/17/2014 12:12 PM

I think you have achieved a lot. Your kids sound happy and healthy.

As far as what will be - after what we been throughlife can change in an instant.

I personally could do more sitting around by myself but that is just it. If after the kids are gone you really don't want to there are a tons of things to get involved in or concerts to see. You never know.

You might meet a new friend or possibly a friend of the opposite sex

I think the fact you kept your house and contained the amount of change to your kids - I would give anything to have done that.

I think you are doing great- the other stuff even through volunteer groups is just around the corner.

inconnu posted 5/17/2014 12:13 PM

(((dm))) I want so badly for you to have the life you deserve. The money issues suck. Maintaining a house by yourself is unbelievably hard, and expensive.

You rock as a mom, sweetie. You do. You put your kids well-being first. And they need one of their parents to do that for them. I just wish it didn't have to be at the expense of some financial stability for you.

devistatedmom posted 5/17/2014 13:35 PM

Thanks. I know I've done the best I could and can for the kids. I guess I just don't get it. I feel like I've tried to do everything "right", I've been a good person, so why can't good seem to happen to me? Blah. Maybe I can win the lottery or something so I can afford to do more for me, and for the kids.

It's kind of like I wish I could figure out what I'm doing wrong so I could fix it and get on with it!

[This message edited by devistatedmom at 2:44 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]

waterloo09 posted 5/17/2014 21:45 PM

My marriage ended 5 yrs ago too. I stayed in the marital home so that my kids wouldn't have to leave their school. They've adjusted well. I like this house, this area. But I'm house poor.It takes all my money to keep things going and if something happens I don't have the money to fix it. My roof started leaking in the summer and I had to get new shingles, so it went on a line of credit. It worries me to have debt. It is discouraging... I don't have time for friends either. When we split I thought I would meet someone quickly, and that for sure I would be remarried by 5 yrs out. It is a strange thing, sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start. Byt lately I've been thinking maybe this is it. I will scrape by for the rest of my life, and be a solitary person. Not the way I thought my life would turn out. I try to remember that I'm lucky. I make enough to give my kids a good home, we have enough to eat and clothes to wear, even enough to go camping. Everyone's healthy and that is the most important thing no great advice for you, but maybe this is common for divorced women in their forties??

bent44 posted 5/18/2014 02:55 AM

Just wanted to chime and say I am right there with you, ladies. At almost 48yo with full custody of a 7yo, my life seems to be all about my lil gal. I am almost 4 years into this life, and am fortunate to still have a home and a future. Day to day life financially is really tight. XWS is Disney dad for visits.

I have hit a lonely spell, but have no time (or real desire, honestly) to do anything about it.

I try to remind myself that these feelings are better than how I would feel if XWS was still in the pic, but some days are tough. I reach for gratitude that my gal and I are safe and healthy. It really helps that she is so awesome!

I tell myself maybe when my sweet gal goes off to college, perhaps dating could be a possibility, but who knows?

I never thought things would go this way. Maybe 10 years from now I will be able to say that again, but in a good way. I will hope that for each of us!

hopefulmom posted 5/18/2014 06:25 AM

5.5 years and counting here. And although no advice, I want you to know you are not alone in feeling how you feel... I'm right there with you.
I look at it one step at a time. Counting each success as it comes however little they may be.

Williesmom posted 5/18/2014 09:07 AM

6 years out and counting here. Except that I have no children, so it's just me and the dogs.

I keep telling myself that he is out there living the life that he needs to live in order to be the person for me.

This isn't forever.

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