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Its been a rough couple of days

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sorrowfulmate posted 5/17/2014 10:41 AM

My wife has been triggering. I actually have been too.

Last night we went to see Grand Budapest Hotel and I panicked in the first scenes with the concierge engaging in multiple affairs. Ironically my wife enjoyed the movie, and once I was past that part I enjoyed it.

Friday, Saturday before mothers day were good, and Mother's day was OK. I let a small thing color the day. I had plans to make her day perfect and ended up trying to sleep in, and she got up for coffee and mentioned it was Mother's Day and I jumped out of bed and told her to lay down. But I ended up kicking myself for forgetting it most of the day.

Later she pointed out that I allowed that to ruin the whole day.

Thursday, Friday, and today have been both of us in tears. She asks me why I did it. I have some answers, but I am working to figure out the whys.

A bit about what I did. I am probably not unique…

My affairs started off as emotional and then went into physical. Because of my family of origin (not blaming them, but I know that this stuff affected me) I am a codependent. I am also in love with the feeling of being in love. I am a perfectionist. I also have self-esteem and body image issues. However I have no excuses. I chose to do what I did.

It wasn't just a single affair, I slept with three different women. two of them once, one of them was an extended affair. All the woman needed to be "fixed" in some way. I guess that appealed to the codependent in me. Again, not an excuse. I made my choice. Now I am working on trying work on my issues so that I won't go out again.

Currently I am in IC and my wife and I are in MC with the same therapist. Its been over 2 months and some days it feels like little or no progress has been made. I want to thank all of you here, both the BSs and the WSs. You help me know that I am not alone, and that there are other people going through this. After this morning's crying on both our parts, my wife put her arms around me and said "We are going to get through this… both of us…" which made me tear up again. I don't deserve her. I shattered her, I almost destroyed our marriage.

I know that this has been rather convoluted… not a lot of information… Thank you for letting me share.

[This message edited by sorrowfulmate at 4:26 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]

knightsbff posted 5/17/2014 15:24 PM

Welcome sorrowfulmate,

Yep this stuff is hard and lots of tears too.

Does your wife have all the details she wants about your A's? Are you answering her questions completely honestly? Have you given her access to all electronics, accounts, phone bills, everything?

You know about TT? Trickle Truth and lies kill more marriages around here than the A's do.

You've found the very best place for support and help. We have BTDT and we truly want all of us to heal and be happy. We love to see M's survive and thrive.

Keep posting.

sorrowfulmate posted 5/19/2014 10:16 AM

Yeah, I know about trickle truth. I have been doing it.

Yesterday she asked me a simple question about me texting my AP while in Church. I got scared (like I always do)

It went from no, maybe, to yes... that really set us back. We had a talk. She told me that I needed to quit hedging and I agreed.

Finally I opened up this morning. I had been denying that I was drinking again. I had been not drinking up until 3.5 (?) years ago, and the relapsed and kept it secret. At first I couldn't remember what came first the affairs or the drinking. We talked about it and I told her that I thought the drinking came first.

I also had to tell her that I had lied about a situation where she found me with a cup of alcohol in my hand at a church function. I had used the excuse that "I didn't want to make the person feel bad that I didn't take it and I was just holding it."

Today is going to be my first AA meeting in 20 years. I had stopped going after my second child was born and that was the time that the problems started.

She married me when I was in meetings and working on my sobriety, and she now sees this as one of the biggest pieces of the puzzle.

But yeah, trickle truth will kill your marriage after the affair. So if you are another wayward reading this. Please, do yourself a favor. Don't do it.

anothermoron posted 5/19/2014 19:14 PM

I've been having a shitty few days as well. You're not alone. RE the trickle truth, things got so much better with my wife after I abandoned all hope and told her literally every awful thing. Even the stuff that she could never have possibly found out otherwise. You just have to empty the bucket, sorta thing. I'm sure it'll get better for. Has to, right?

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