My wife has been triggering. I actually have been too.
Last night we went to see Grand Budapest Hotel and I panicked in the first scenes with the concierge engaging in multiple affairs. Ironically my wife enjoyed the movie, and once I was past that part I enjoyed it.
Friday, Saturday before mothers day were good, and Mother's day was OK. I let a small thing color the day. I had plans to make her day perfect and ended up trying to sleep in, and she got up for coffee and mentioned it was Mother's Day and I jumped out of bed and told her to lay down. But I ended up kicking myself for forgetting it most of the day.
Later she pointed out that I allowed that to ruin the whole day.
Thursday, Friday, and today have been both of us in tears. She asks me why I did it. I have some answers, but I am working to figure out the whys.
A bit about what I did. I am probably not unique…
My affairs started off as emotional and then went into physical. Because of my family of origin (not blaming them, but I know that this stuff affected me) I am a codependent. I am also in love with the feeling of being in love. I am a perfectionist. I also have self-esteem and body image issues. However I have no excuses. I chose to do what I did.
It wasn't just a single affair, I slept with three different women. two of them once, one of them was an extended affair. All the woman needed to be "fixed" in some way. I guess that appealed to the codependent in me. Again, not an excuse. I made my choice. Now I am working on trying work on my issues so that I won't go out again.
Currently I am in IC and my wife and I are in MC with the same therapist. Its been over 2 months and some days it feels like little or no progress has been made. I want to thank all of you here, both the BSs and the WSs. You help me know that I am not alone, and that there are other people going through this. After this morning's crying on both our parts, my wife put her arms around me and said "We are going to get through this… both of us…" which made me tear up again. I don't deserve her. I shattered her, I almost destroyed our marriage.
I know that this has been rather convoluted… not a lot of information… Thank you for letting me share.
[This message edited by sorrowfulmate at 4:26 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]