I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Is there anyone, family or friends that you can lean on for some emotional support?
He told me that he blacked out that night and doesnt remember being with her at all, and if he had been conscious it would have never happened. He keeps saying that the baby might not be his because he doesnt know how he could have ever hooked up with this girl.
Yep. The check's in the mail, and it "depends upon what the definition of "is" is...".... believe me, I heard it all. I even heard that it was "God's will" for her to have an affair, and that the affair "kept our marriage together".
In 5 weeks I've been through all possible emotions, from the denial, the sadness,the anger, the depression, the I want him back, I never want to see him again etc..
Yep. I used to walk down a long woods trail every day a couple of times, sit by the creek, skip stones, and feel all this brewing inside me.
Then, I would come back to my room, and read, and decide that my emotions were leading me nowhere, that I had to let my intellect lead.
And I would be successful at that, for a while, then the emotions would "grab" me again, and I would be back to the creek.
I almost lost a very good customer during this. Fortunately, I recovered in time to save the account, but he was rightfully becoming quite impatient about his work not being done.
He is not a husband material.
Yes, you are more fortunate than some of us who find out that she is not "wife material" after the wedding, when the judge doesn't care, and gives her 40% of your income while separated so she can continue her affair with relative impunity.
[This message edited by tfkeel at 3:53 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]
Have you checked out the articles in the Healing Library in the upper right-hand corner? Lots of great material in there.
Please make an appt. with your doctor and get tested for stds.
Regardless of what your fiance says happened, what position did he allow himself to get into to have the A? Was it a co-worker, a close friend? He was engaged to be married, he should not be out drinking with other women.
You do not have to decide your future right now. I hope at minimum you have called off the wedding if one was planned. Getting married is a huge step, a new chapter, and having to deal with an OC from Day 1 isn't going to give you the marital bliss we all hope for. The OW and OC will be in your life forever, and if your F is the father, child support will be a consideration for the next 18 years at least.
Right now take care of you as best as you can...eat, stay hydrated, sleep, meet with your doctor if you are having difficulty coping. Get yourself into counseling.
Continue to post and read, you will gleen a great deal of insight into the reality of affairs.
Please take care of yourself and rely on us as much as you need.
“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."
You found out before marrying him that he is a liar and a cheat. Don't believe for one minute that he blacked out and never would have had sex with her otherwise. That is a lie.
Get away from him ASAP. There are lots of good men out there!
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
Read these boards for a bit and you'll see that most men, when caught, lie and claim it was 'only' a one night stand. 99.9999% are lying to minimize the damage so they don't get booted to the curb.
If it IS his kid, you'll be tethered to nothing but drama for the next 21 years. I'd run so damned fast they'd have to FedEx my shadow to me the next day.
Good luck to you.
1) If he can be that drunk and still perform his manly duties, hmmmm I doubt it. He knows what he did when he was doing it.
2 This is not your fault. I get it...this is a ego blow to the max. We have all questioned ourselves. I can;t convince you of this but in time as you heal one thing you will have to come to terms with is that this has nothing to do with you. (I truggle with this myself, as many others do).
3) IC. Just do it. Having an impartial professional talk you through this is critical. You don't wanna carry this stuff any longer than you have too.
Stay NC until you figure this out for YOU> Post often. We got your back sister.
"He keeps saying that the baby might not be his because he doesn't know how he could have ever hooked up with this girl." And this is a good example of why the behavior has been termed "wearing beer goggles"
So take that and your knowledge of him on whether he has a drinking problem or not. For sure if he does, affairs go hand in hand with the alcohol. If he doesn't, well surprise...he's lying..and not very creatively I'd say.
Technically, it's now none of your business because it's between the two of them, but you may want to let him know if he wants an ASAP answer, he/they can have a prenatal paternity test done. It will need to be repeated if anything legal is needed, but it's a matter of a blood test for mom, a cheek swab for potential father & the baby's DNA is then matched. It, like most DNA tests, is practically fool proof.
In your shoes if I were you, I know you're young enough to cut your losses and run. Why plan your future, a very uncertain one at that, around this guy and his baggage...not even including the possible OC? You are both young, engaged, you should be going at each like rabbits & this guy is meanwhile hitting the bars/pubs spreading his seed? It will be hard & heartbreaking, but it is like a blessing in disguise.
As others have urged, get to the doc & get your STD tests done & don't be afraid to ask for anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. It really does help, so whatever you need..ask, they will understand. As for a counselor, once you find the right one, they should be your guiding light and hopefully an appointment you look forward to going to most of the time. If someone rubs you the wrong way, move on to someone else...it sometimes takes a few tries. It helps if you can pre-interview them by phone. Look for someone experience in infidelity or trauma...they must agree that you've been through a trauma. Dr Harley, another infidelity/marriage expert has a video on YouTube and he says that out of the thousands he's helped & questioned, everyone agrees that infidelity is the worse shock they've experience, including those who experience the death of a child.
One last thing, if you want to get a better idea of what you'll be up against if you can't leave and stay, visit the I Can Relate Forums, the one titled: OC Thread (BS Only) Part II.
Best wishes to you and hang tough, you will make it through this.
To save a marriage, you must be willing to lose the marriage.
Please know that mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "why am I even trying" are completely normal, as if anything about betrayal is "normal". Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable and that is okay. You have to feel everything to get through it and to start to heal. One day at a time. Good days, bad days, really bad days...it is all a process of reconciling that you have to face the reality of his choices. It is hard. Very hard.
The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great and then you hit the bottom of the well. You can be raging with a horrible anger that never appeared early on to find yourself resolved to the fact this is now your reality.
This is sadly the rollercoaster from HELL. Strap in and know that you will be okay. You will make it one way or another. YOU WILL.
On average it takes 2-5 years to heal from this. Ugh, I know but just know that you can't fast track your healing.
Take strides in how and why you are here. Does the OW confirm it was a ONS?
One day at a time...keep moving....better days WILL come...they will.
We are all here rooting you on.
The road is long but I keep faith.
And that is the best we can do some days. Obviously by my username I love your statement.
Faith, hope and love will get you through, it will. One way or another.
3+ years out - I am a living testament to this as are thousands others here.
Keep the faith. You will be okay. You deserve more, you deserve truth. And don't forget... YOU MATTER !!!
Detach. You'll be glad later you did that now.