SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Trustnoone0703 posted 5/17/2014 11:44 AM

I've found out 5 weeks ago that my future ex-fiancé cheated on me, and as if the betrayal was not enough, the girl claimed to be pregnant from him.
He told me that he blacked out that night and doesnt remember being with her at all, and if he had been conscious it would have never happened. He keeps saying that the baby might not be his because he doesnt know how he could have ever hooked up with this girl.
A DNA test will be done when the baby is born which lets us the doubt until October.
In 5 weeks I've been through all possible emotions, from the denial, the sadness,the anger, the depression, the I want him back, I never want to see him again etc.. Im sure every single one of you here is able to relate about what Im talking about.
I thought that it would start to get better but obviously not. More than the betrayal I gotta face of the fact that another woman may be pregnant from his first child.
I haven't seen him since, talked a few times but thats pretty much it. My feelings are still really messed up, I dont sleep good, have current nightmares and end up being tired all day long. Yet, I still keep doing everything i can to take care of myself.
I still keep praying for better days to come. If anyone have ever experienced the same thing ill be more than please to read you.

Keep faith!

evephoebe1 posted 5/17/2014 15:36 PM

(((hugs)))

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Is there anyone, family or friends that you can lean on for some emotional support?

cannotforgive posted 5/17/2014 15:44 PM

I am a new member here and I have not posted my story yet.
I probably have not got many words of wisdom as I am in my own hell, 2 weeks after D-day.
However, I wanted to say that the pain and grief you are experiencing are common feelings for all of us betrayed.
The only difference between your situation and mine is that you realized who he really is before you married him and had children with him, in a way a lucky escape.
I on the other hand, discovered he had an 18 month affair, after nearly 18 years of marriage and 2 kids who are devastated at their father's betrayal.
Please see a councilor/therapist. I started reading 'After the affair' by Janis Abrahms Sring and Infidelity by Don-David Lusterman,to understand my feelings.
We all need time. Look after yourself and do not forget, life is in front of you. He is not a husband material.

tfkeel posted 5/17/2014 15:50 PM

He told me that he blacked out that night and doesnt remember being with her at all, and if he had been conscious it would have never happened. He keeps saying that the baby might not be his because he doesnt know how he could have ever hooked up with this girl.

Yep. The check's in the mail, and it "depends upon what the definition of "is" is...".... believe me, I heard it all. I even heard that it was "God's will" for her to have an affair, and that the affair "kept our marriage together".

In 5 weeks I've been through all possible emotions, from the denial, the sadness,the anger, the depression, the I want him back, I never want to see him again etc..

Yep. I used to walk down a long woods trail every day a couple of times, sit by the creek, skip stones, and feel all this brewing inside me.

Then, I would come back to my room, and read, and decide that my emotions were leading me nowhere, that I had to let my intellect lead.

And I would be successful at that, for a while, then the emotions would "grab" me again, and I would be back to the creek.

I almost lost a very good customer during this. Fortunately, I recovered in time to save the account, but he was rightfully becoming quite impatient about his work not being done.

He is not a husband material.

Yes, you are more fortunate than some of us who find out that she is not "wife material" after the wedding, when the judge doesn't care, and gives her 40% of your income while separated so she can continue her affair with relative impunity.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 3:53 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]

annb posted 5/17/2014 21:18 PM

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here, but know you are among thousands of members who have dealt with the pain of infidelity....it hurts to the core of our being.

Have you checked out the articles in the Healing Library in the upper right-hand corner? Lots of great material in there.

Please make an appt. with your doctor and get tested for stds.

Regardless of what your fiance says happened, what position did he allow himself to get into to have the A? Was it a co-worker, a close friend? He was engaged to be married, he should not be out drinking with other women.

You do not have to decide your future right now. I hope at minimum you have called off the wedding if one was planned. Getting married is a huge step, a new chapter, and having to deal with an OC from Day 1 isn't going to give you the marital bliss we all hope for. The OW and OC will be in your life forever, and if your F is the father, child support will be a consideration for the next 18 years at least.

Right now take care of you as best as you can...eat, stay hydrated, sleep, meet with your doctor if you are having difficulty coping. Get yourself into counseling.

Continue to post and read, you will gleen a great deal of insight into the reality of affairs.

DepressedDaddy posted 5/17/2014 21:21 PM

I just want to say that I am sorry you have found yourself here. We are glad that you found us, but nothing takes away the pain, especially in the beginning.

Please take care of yourself and rely on us as much as you need.

Trustnoone0703 posted 5/17/2014 23:20 PM

Thanks to everyone for your quick answers, it's way more than I was hoping.
I've decided to share my story with only two of my closest friends and I have the chance to get some real support from his family. I know how judgmental people can be at time and there is not something I need to right now.
Luckily, no wedding was planned before that event and I doubt there will be one one day.
The OW is just an acquaintance, he doesn't know her much, doesn't want to be in contact with her at all but said he will take his responsibility if the baby is his.
Your support is a real blessing, I'm still really confused about the whole story, my perception of reality and what is true or not has drastically changed. I doubt I will ever trust again, but never say never right?
For some reasons, I was starting to think that something was wrong with me and from time to time I still do; it's impressive how betrayed persons can take the blame on themselves.
I'm thinking more and more about seeing a councilor but I'm not sure to find the courage yet.
The road is long but I keep faith.

SadInNC posted 5/18/2014 01:45 AM

Hi. I know it hurts badly so go to the doctor and a counselor. It will help you.

You found out before marrying him that he is a liar and a cheat. Don't believe for one minute that he blacked out and never would have had sex with her otherwise. That is a lie.

Get away from him ASAP. There are lots of good men out there!

Trustnoone0703 posted 5/18/2014 03:55 AM

I've never really believed in everything he said after that. I'm just wondering what's the purpose for cheaters to lie more once the truth came out. to me, it just makes everything way worse than it should be.

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/18/2014 06:04 AM

Is it even possible for a man to perform when he's supposedly 'black out' drunk? Highly, highly, highly doubtful.

Read these boards for a bit and you'll see that most men, when caught, lie and claim it was 'only' a one night stand. 99.9999% are lying to minimize the damage so they don't get booted to the curb.

If it IS his kid, you'll be tethered to nothing but drama for the next 21 years. I'd run so damned fast they'd have to FedEx my shadow to me the next day.

Good luck to you.

traicionada posted 5/18/2014 07:02 AM

Cheaters lie so they can live with themselves & the destruction they leave behind. Please be good to yourself but most important if your migraines are a new health issue or your meds to keep the pain in check are no longer working seek professional help ASAP.

justinpaintoday posted 5/18/2014 07:24 AM

Trust: Your situation sucks...no doubt. The great thing is everyone hear understands. Are there benefits (for lack of a better word) to finding out before M and kids...sure. However, your personal pain is no less devastating. You trusted and loved this man fully and he betrayed you. Some thoughts for you...

1) If he can be that drunk and still perform his manly duties, hmmmm I doubt it. He knows what he did when he was doing it.

2 This is not your fault. I get it...this is a ego blow to the max. We have all questioned ourselves. I can;t convince you of this but in time as you heal one thing you will have to come to terms with is that this has nothing to do with you. (I truggle with this myself, as many others do).

3) IC. Just do it. Having an impartial professional talk you through this is critical. You don't wanna carry this stuff any longer than you have too.

Stay NC until you figure this out for YOU> Post often. We got your back sister.

Trustnoone0703 posted 5/18/2014 17:11 PM

I'm really thankful for all of you who help me through this tough time.
Talking here will for sure help into the long healing process but I got to find the courage to seek for professional help.
I didn't know that we could feel so much and not be able to say a word.

oldtimer97 posted 5/18/2014 18:51 PM

Let's take him at his word on one thing: he blacked out. Never mind that apparently he's a world class stud & could actually get it up, but this is hard core symptom of alcoholism (and alcoholism doesn't have to be day in, day out drinking...my 1st husband was an episodic, as are all my children...once they start, they can't stop...tho luckily the kids have all stopped now & don't touch a drop) So what's going to happen, not if, but when he blacks out again? Is he going to keep continuing to fall into the faceless, nameless black hole va-jay-jays?

"He keeps saying that the baby might not be his because he doesn't know how he could have ever hooked up with this girl." And this is a good example of why the behavior has been termed "wearing beer goggles"

So take that and your knowledge of him on whether he has a drinking problem or not. For sure if he does, affairs go hand in hand with the alcohol. If he doesn't, well surprise...he's lying..and not very creatively I'd say.

Technically, it's now none of your business because it's between the two of them, but you may want to let him know if he wants an ASAP answer, he/they can have a prenatal paternity test done. It will need to be repeated if anything legal is needed, but it's a matter of a blood test for mom, a cheek swab for potential father & the baby's DNA is then matched. It, like most DNA tests, is practically fool proof.

In your shoes if I were you, I know you're young enough to cut your losses and run. Why plan your future, a very uncertain one at that, around this guy and his baggage...not even including the possible OC? You are both young, engaged, you should be going at each like rabbits & this guy is meanwhile hitting the bars/pubs spreading his seed? It will be hard & heartbreaking, but it is like a blessing in disguise.

As others have urged, get to the doc & get your STD tests done & don't be afraid to ask for anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. It really does help, so whatever you need..ask, they will understand. As for a counselor, once you find the right one, they should be your guiding light and hopefully an appointment you look forward to going to most of the time. If someone rubs you the wrong way, move on to someone else...it sometimes takes a few tries. It helps if you can pre-interview them by phone. Look for someone experience in infidelity or trauma...they must agree that you've been through a trauma. Dr Harley, another infidelity/marriage expert has a video on YouTube and he says that out of the thousands he's helped & questioned, everyone agrees that infidelity is the worse shock they've experience, including those who experience the death of a child.

One last thing, if you want to get a better idea of what you'll be up against if you can't leave and stay, visit the I Can Relate Forums, the one titled: OC Thread (BS Only) Part II.

Best wishes to you and hang tough, you will make it through this.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 5/19/2014 15:18 PM

I am so sorry you find yourself here! However, I'm thankful you found out about him before M! I'm not sure about the "blacking out" thing. You might want to do some research on that. Nonetheless, he STILL had sex with her, period! Why did he even put himself in the situation that it COULD happen in the first place?...With that said....I don't know that I could go through with a marriage, but that is something only YOU can decide and it IS your choice! There are many of us who are trying and have R (reconciled) after finding out our mates have been unfaithful. I pray things work out best for YOU! And...I agree with counseling, it is helpful. Just find one that is right for you! Hugs and Blessings!

1Faith posted 5/19/2014 18:53 PM

Dear Trust

Please know that mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "why am I even trying" are completely normal, as if anything about betrayal is "normal". Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable and that is okay. You have to feel everything to get through it and to start to heal. One day at a time. Good days, bad days, really bad days...it is all a process of reconciling that you have to face the reality of his choices. It is hard. Very hard.

The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great and then you hit the bottom of the well. You can be raging with a horrible anger that never appeared early on to find yourself resolved to the fact this is now your reality.

This is sadly the rollercoaster from HELL. Strap in and know that you will be okay. You will make it one way or another. YOU WILL.

On average it takes 2-5 years to heal from this. Ugh, I know but just know that you can't fast track your healing.

Take strides in how and why you are here. Does the OW confirm it was a ONS?

One day at a time...keep moving....better days WILL come...they will.

We are all here rooting you on.

Good luck.

1Faith posted 5/19/2014 18:57 PM

The road is long but I keep faith.

And that is the best we can do some days. Obviously by my username I love your statement.

Faith, hope and love will get you through, it will. One way or another.

3+ years out - I am a living testament to this as are thousands others here.

Keep the faith. You will be okay. You deserve more, you deserve truth. And don't forget... YOU MATTER !!!

((((hugs))))

Trustnoone0703 posted 5/20/2014 03:27 AM

Thank you all for your answers that warm my heart a little bit .
He indeed has had drinking issues for some time now; 2 years ago he got caught driving drunk, he couldn't drive for 9 months and had to go to some classes and to the AA.
I don't know anything about the other woman besides that she was not even a friend of him for what I believe I do know, but one more time I could be wrong.
I haven't tried to get in contact with her at all, I believe it'll hurt me more than possible.
Right now I've decided to start the next phase which is finally asking some medical help ( anti-depressant ). I hope it'll be a real help. I have big issues to go to work, I've missed a few days already, I've never thought I could let my emotions get the upper hand on my life.

Schadenfreude posted 5/20/2014 07:04 AM

I'm a man. Take it from me. Unless he is a stone alcoholic with remarkable ability to function physically ( I.e.walk, talk, and get hard) while blacking out, he wasn't unconscious. He knew exactly what he was doing, Obviously I don't know whooshes is, but I see a very likely lie here to minimize his wayward behavior.

Detach. You'll be glad later you did that now.

Trustnoone0703 posted 5/20/2014 07:50 AM

Last update : my sister in law told me that a girl was in his room this night. And I'm pretty sure it's not the girl he got pregnant. As much as I'm hurt by his attitude and his stupidity, it makes my choice to move on easier.
We never know where we will end up..