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saying your sorry and triggers

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remorsefulww posted 5/17/2014 17:07 PM

I've been thinking about this all day and still can't really come up with the right words, so I hope you can at least get the jist of my question.

Everyday I tell my BH how sorry I am for the choices I made with words and my actions. I know I can't prevent triggers, but I wonder with me saying it everyday if it brings it all up for him again.

I will never stop saying and showing how sorry and remorseful I am. Yesterday while we where in the mall we walked by a place I thought that would trigger my BH and I panicked on the inside . We had the kids and I didnt want to say anything at moment, should I of? He didnt seem phased by even going by there and I don't even know if he noticed. He was still acting like his loving and happy self.

BS, does your WS saying they're sorry everyday remind you of thier choice to betray you? If so would you rather see it in thier actions and then say it out the blue so you know that they are still sorry?

Jovie posted 5/17/2014 17:49 PM

I worried about this at one point too. The saying it part. I once told BH that I think about how sorry I am a lot more then I actually say it because I worry it will upset him or make him sad to think about. He said he'd rather hear me say it. So I try to say it now whenever I'm thinking it. I think the answer is to say how you feel. But to be sure, I think you should also talk to your H as well. The answer is always to just be open with your BS!

(Sorry to be short, I'm on my phone)

Skan posted 5/17/2014 18:01 PM

BW here. I don't need to hear it every day any more. I do need to hear it when I'm triggering, after I've triggered, or when HE needs to say it. When I'm triggering, feeling down, or an anti-versary date comes up, I need to hear him say that he's sorry for his actions that cause my pain. That's he utterly committed to me. That he's working hard every day to make sure that he gets to the bottom of why he chose to commit actions that he knew were wrong. Things like that. Sometimes it does bring back memories. But you know something, something always will, so his reaching out to me, is incredibly helpful.

He's gotten very, very sensitive to my change of face of affect, when something is bothering me or is a potential trigger. Those are the times that he moves in close to me, holds me or my hand, and asks me if I'm OK or if I'm doing alright. Study your WH. Get to know the signs of him withdrawing, triggering, or having flashbacks, and make your moves. Sometimes my FWH will be, as you are, concerned that a certain place or "thing" might be triggery and he'll give me a bit of a warning, or say something to the effect of are you OK going to X? That's a good (for me) technique too.

While actions always speak louder than words, IMO, sometimes the words need to be spoken. And to me, when those words are spoken, the manner, the elaboration, the specificity, mean more to me than a simple "I'm sorry."

BreatheAgain10 posted 5/17/2014 18:23 PM

Skan wrote everything- WORD FOR WORD- that I feel about this topic. Literally... Word. For. Word.
Have you asked your BS what works for him? He may have different needs than I did/do. Especially since I'm 4 yrs from our last DDay. Maybe talking gently to your BS about how much you want to meet his needs and want to be sure you're doing what he needs correctly would be helpful. I know it would make me feel good to know how much my fWH wants to be just what I need to move forward thru our R. Good luck remorsefulww

BrokenButTrying posted 5/17/2014 18:27 PM

Talk to your BH about it. What helps one BS might not help another BS.

Put the kids to bed, turn the TV off and sit down to discuss how he would like you to support him when he triggers. Ask specifically about apologies, tell him what you feel like saying, ask if that would be of comfort to him.

In the moment of a trigger, my BH doesn't like apologies. They don't help at that moment in time. So I usually wait until later on, when we've got a moment without the kids or other people around.

remorsefulww posted 5/17/2014 18:58 PM

Thank you all for the advice.

I am going to talk to him tonight about it, but before I did I wanted to sort out my thoughts first so I didn't go to him with jumbled words. I did journal it, but I still wasnt able to sort it out right. One of my biggest problems is communication and getting my thoughts out properly. Just writing it out here and from the responses I can now do that, thank you

steadychevy posted 5/17/2014 19:11 PM

I need to hear the "I am sorries...". I do not care for the blanket I am sorry for everything that is wrong in the world. I would like something more specific. I do not get enough "I am sorry that I...".

I would also like some recognition that some thing might be a trigger. Like you mentioned a place in the mall. I may not have actually triggered but it is so meaningful to me that it was recognized that I might. It means my WW was thinking of me and any negative situations. I have triggered and my WW has not seemed to notice and it bothers me. Especially if it comes out later that she wondered about it but didn't want to draw it to my attention in case I hadn't noticed. I hope you can follow my line of reasoning. I am not sure I am expressing it well.

I would like to see the sensitivity that Skan is writing about. It means to me that she cares, she understands, she has empathy, she is sorry. I don't see enough of that either. Just her acknowledgement would seems to be so helpful. Sometimes just a touch to say I see what is happening.

It happened today. I was riding the rollercoaster fairly early this morning and was at the bottom. She came up beside me and put her arm around me. That gave me momentum to get to the top again. Sometimes I stay at the bottom a lonmg time.

I think one reason my WW has trouble recognizing triggers is that she has so few (if any) of her own. Her shit is buried so deep and bricked and mortered that she doesn't recognize anything. She is working on it but has so far to go.

Too long for a response. Sorry. I need the sorries, the recognition of triggers (intuitive) and even the recognition of possible triggers that do not happen. It indicates to me that my WW cares for me and is cognisant of those things that could distress me. I wish it were more consistent. Oh, and the sorries have to be sincere and heart felt. Perfunctory does not cut it.

phoenix2015 posted 5/17/2014 19:27 PM

You Dday is still fresh, I cannot imagine that your BS is still not thinking about your A during most of his day. I am a BS and 8 months out, it is on my mind most of the time. Hearing an apology that is specific and out of the blue helps me to know that he is aware of how much this has hurt and changed my life.
I vote that you continue speaking what you are feeling.

knightsbff posted 5/17/2014 19:35 PM

My BH appreciates when I anticipate a trigger and talk to him or warn him about it. Sometimes we decide to change our plans but he likes that I'm trying to look out for his well being.

He also appreciates sincere, detailed apologies. I too wondered about apologizing too much so I asked him.

Bottom line is talk to him about it. I'm betting he will appreciate that you care about him enough to worry if your apologies are too much or distressful for him.

redsox13 posted 5/17/2014 19:52 PM

No - it means it is another day that she still loves me and cares about me.

Taking my hand has proved very helpful through the years in situations where I might trigger. I am sure it has prevented triggers.

I know that makes me seem like a whimpy needy guy - but there it is.

knightsbff posted 5/17/2014 21:13 PM

I know that makes me seem like a whimpy needy guy - but there it is.
I have to respectfully disagree here. I think it's a very strong man who can admit his needs and accept help when it's offered.

remorsefulww posted 5/17/2014 21:34 PM

I agree with knightsbff.

5454real posted 5/18/2014 00:19 AM


Taking my hand has proved very helpful through the years in situations where I might trigger. I am sure it has prevented triggers.

I know that makes me seem like a whimpy needy guy - but there it is.

At two years out, the hand means more than the words.

Whimpy needy guy? I've never felt more strength than when I'm able to show my emotions. Feel sorry for those who can't. What a lonely place that was.T/J

When I was where you are now, when I would trigger, the words never felt like they were enough unless they were specifically directed at my trigger. Now, I hope she is able to anticipate my trigger. A simple squeeze suffices.


Scubachick posted 5/18/2014 00:46 AM

It makes me angry to hear my husband say he's sorry. I know he's sorry but it's like he thinks saying it makes it all better. It doesn't. I would much rather him ask me what I'm feeling or just hug me. Even if he just acknowledged it by saying "I can see that you're really hurting right now. Is there anything I can do to help".

remorsefulww posted 5/18/2014 09:29 AM

When I do say I'm sorry it is very specific and to my BH thats what he needs, I do hold him, give him a kiss, and ask what he needs. A simple sorry just doesnt cut it.

we talked lastnight and I think it went good because he was able to sort out something that he hasnt before. He said something out loud that he never has. He became upset and said that we will finish talking today and that he appreciated what I was trying to do and that meant a lot.

when I asked him about his triggers and what they are he said nothing really triggers him except something will pop into his mind, but its not everyday. He also said that there is nothing I can do for him when he triggers. I will still try to comfort and and reassure him in any way I can.

I did say to him that as I see it we are starting from ground zero from over 4 years ago and not 5 months ago because we rug sweept it then and didn't do it right the first time. I feel disgusted even more with myself just writing that out.
He agreed with me and just said that theres a lot of work to do. I gave him a hug, kiss, said that that I loved him, and was sorry for the choice that I made to let ap back into our lives and then let him be alone for as long as he needed.

If we talk more and I hope we do I will update.

remorsefulww posted 5/18/2014 09:40 AM

"Your BH never really healed from your first A, and then having to process not only a second A, but one with the very same AP that you had before, the very same person that caused him such pain previously, is a deep and flowing wound"

skan, you had said this to me in my first post and this is the one thing that BH has said and said again lastnight. He sees him as a dark cloud over us and he doesn't know if that cloud will ever go away. He sees him as competition and that there must be a connection that we had for me to be willing and ready to throw everything away for him. He thinks that I havent closed every window and door to him. And no matter what I say he wont believe me. I understand that and all I can do is try and prove to him that those doors and windows are not only closed, but destroyed.

[This message edited by remorsefulww at 9:41 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]

somethingremorse posted 5/19/2014 08:21 AM

Thinking that I would be a "wimpy, needy guy" was one of the factors that prevented me from getting help when I needed it. I try to never let that come into my mind.

My BW is in the same spot as Skan.

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