Everyday I tell my BH how sorry I am for the choices I made with words and my actions. I know I can't prevent triggers, but I wonder with me saying it everyday if it brings it all up for him again.
I will never stop saying and showing how sorry and remorseful I am. Yesterday while we where in the mall we walked by a place I thought that would trigger my BH and I panicked on the inside . We had the kids and I didnt want to say anything at moment, should I of? He didnt seem phased by even going by there and I don't even know if he noticed. He was still acting like his loving and happy self.
BS, does your WS saying they're sorry everyday remind you of thier choice to betray you? If so would you rather see it in thier actions and then say it out the blue so you know that they are still sorry?
(Sorry to be short, I'm on my phone)
He's gotten very, very sensitive to my change of face of affect, when something is bothering me or is a potential trigger. Those are the times that he moves in close to me, holds me or my hand, and asks me if I'm OK or if I'm doing alright. Study your WH. Get to know the signs of him withdrawing, triggering, or having flashbacks, and make your moves. Sometimes my FWH will be, as you are, concerned that a certain place or "thing" might be triggery and he'll give me a bit of a warning, or say something to the effect of are you OK going to X? That's a good (for me) technique too.
While actions always speak louder than words, IMO, sometimes the words need to be spoken. And to me, when those words are spoken, the manner, the elaboration, the specificity, mean more to me than a simple "I'm sorry."
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Put the kids to bed, turn the TV off and sit down to discuss how he would like you to support him when he triggers. Ask specifically about apologies, tell him what you feel like saying, ask if that would be of comfort to him.
In the moment of a trigger, my BH doesn't like apologies. They don't help at that moment in time. So I usually wait until later on, when we've got a moment without the kids or other people around.
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
I am going to talk to him tonight about it, but before I did I wanted to sort out my thoughts first so I didn't go to him with jumbled words. I did journal it, but I still wasnt able to sort it out right. One of my biggest problems is communication and getting my thoughts out properly. Just writing it out here and from the responses I can now do that, thank you
I would also like some recognition that some thing might be a trigger. Like you mentioned a place in the mall. I may not have actually triggered but it is so meaningful to me that it was recognized that I might. It means my WW was thinking of me and any negative situations. I have triggered and my WW has not seemed to notice and it bothers me. Especially if it comes out later that she wondered about it but didn't want to draw it to my attention in case I hadn't noticed. I hope you can follow my line of reasoning. I am not sure I am expressing it well.
I would like to see the sensitivity that Skan is writing about. It means to me that she cares, she understands, she has empathy, she is sorry. I don't see enough of that either. Just her acknowledgement would seems to be so helpful. Sometimes just a touch to say I see what is happening.
It happened today. I was riding the rollercoaster fairly early this morning and was at the bottom. She came up beside me and put her arm around me. That gave me momentum to get to the top again. Sometimes I stay at the bottom a lonmg time.
I think one reason my WW has trouble recognizing triggers is that she has so few (if any) of her own. Her shit is buried so deep and bricked and mortered that she doesn't recognize anything. She is working on it but has so far to go.
Too long for a response. Sorry. I need the sorries, the recognition of triggers (intuitive) and even the recognition of possible triggers that do not happen. It indicates to me that my WW cares for me and is cognisant of those things that could distress me. I wish it were more consistent. Oh, and the sorries have to be sincere and heart felt. Perfunctory does not cut it.
Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.
He also appreciates sincere, detailed apologies. I too wondered about apologizing too much so I asked him.
Bottom line is talk to him about it. I'm betting he will appreciate that you care about him enough to worry if your apologies are too much or distressful for him.
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
Taking my hand has proved very helpful through the years in situations where I might trigger. I am sure it has prevented triggers.
I know that makes me seem like a whimpy needy guy - but there it is.
Taking my hand has proved very helpful through the years in situations where I might trigger. I am sure it has prevented triggers. I know that makes me seem like a whimpy needy guy - but there it is.
At two years out, the hand means more than the words.
Whimpy needy guy? I've never felt more strength than when I'm able to show my emotions. Feel sorry for those who can't. What a lonely place that was.T/J
When I was where you are now, when I would trigger, the words never felt like they were enough unless they were specifically directed at my trigger. Now, I hope she is able to anticipate my trigger. A simple squeeze suffices.
Strength
we talked lastnight and I think it went good because he was able to sort out something that he hasnt before. He said something out loud that he never has. He became upset and said that we will finish talking today and that he appreciated what I was trying to do and that meant a lot.
when I asked him about his triggers and what they are he said nothing really triggers him except something will pop into his mind, but its not everyday. He also said that there is nothing I can do for him when he triggers. I will still try to comfort and and reassure him in any way I can.
I did say to him that as I see it we are starting from ground zero from over 4 years ago and not 5 months ago because we rug sweept it then and didn't do it right the first time. I feel disgusted even more with myself just writing that out. He agreed with me and just said that theres a lot of work to do. I gave him a hug, kiss, said that that I loved him, and was sorry for the choice that I made to let ap back into our lives and then let him be alone for as long as he needed.
If we talk more and I hope we do I will update.
skan, you had said this to me in my first post and this is the one thing that BH has said and said again lastnight. He sees him as a dark cloud over us and he doesn't know if that cloud will ever go away. He sees him as competition and that there must be a connection that we had for me to be willing and ready to throw everything away for him. He thinks that I havent closed every window and door to him. And no matter what I say he wont believe me. I understand that and all I can do is try and prove to him that those doors and windows are not only closed, but destroyed.
[This message edited by remorsefulww at 9:41 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]
My BW is in the same spot as Skan.
