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2Old4Nonsense posted 5/17/2014 18:30 PM

I've been married for 38 years. A couple of years ago I found out my spouse had an affair for about 2 weeks starting on our anniversary when we had been married for 5 years. They met each other once more about a year later. I started to get over that when I found out about another "fling" with an old roomate about a year after the first affair. We subsequently moved to California and I just found out that while we were there, my spouse had another "fling" with someone I worked with.

The lying, even lying by omission just drives me crazy. My spouse has handeled this with classic "trickle truths" and "gaslighting".

I'm feeling betrayed and I've lost all trust. I'm embarrassed and humiliated. And I feel like there hasn't been a lot of respect for our marriage. Our kids are grown but I still feel a divorced will hit them hard. But at this point, I don't think I want to stay in this marriage. I thought my spouse was my best friend and life partner. I was wrong.


BreatheAgain10 posted 5/17/2014 18:43 PM

Hi 2Old4Nonsense,
So sorry you find yourself here, but this really is a great place to get lots of support and advice.
So that I have this correct, you are just now finding out she had affairs about 33 yrs ago? Did she confess on her own? How did you find out? Has there been any recent affairs? Lies can be just as painful as the affairs themselves, but I'm really hoping she's at least not cheating currently.
If your DDay is very fresh and your emotions are running high, most say it's best to not make any major divorce decisions until you are feeling more calm and rational. They say it takes your heart time to catch up with your head. I've learned that to be true in my case. Read from the Healing Library (menu on the left in the yellow box) and post anytime you wish. ((HUGS))

[This message edited by BreatheAgain10 at 10:19 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]

2Old4Nonsense posted 5/17/2014 18:48 PM

Thanks...I do like the advice of letting my heart catch up to my head. To clarify, it was my wife that cheated. She's the WS. I, the husband, was betrayed.

It hit me really hard the first time. Now I'm just trying to accept the fact that I was wrong about her and she's not who I thought she was in many, but not all, ways. It's just a struggle at the moment.

2Old4Nonsense posted 5/17/2014 18:52 PM

I forgot to answer your questions (I'm such a mess). I always suspected and she started to "trickle truth" me about the first one. It hit me hard and she stopped but not without "gaslighting" me to try to make me belive things that weren't true.. Then I started looking into my suspicions...slowly. Over time more and more has come to light.

Brandon808 posted 5/17/2014 19:03 PM

Sorry you find yourself here. From your post it sounds like your WW is not really showing any remorse. She's had multiple affairs over the years and is not owning her behavior or really doing anything to fix her issues that allowed to take such destructive action.

I know those just found out are often told to wait before making any big decisions. I tend to agree, but only where you have a remorseful WS. With an unremorseful repeat cheater I can just as easily support getting out of that M. Do what you need to do for your own healing and peace of mind since your WW isn't.

Please see a lawyer and figure out how to protect yourself should you choose D. Don't give your WW any warning if you do decide to do that. She didn't give you "fair warning".

annb posted 5/17/2014 21:25 PM

Hi, welcome to SI, the best club no one wants to join. I am sorry you are now a member of this group that was brought together because their spouse/SO had an affair or multiple affairs.

Have you ever thought about asking your wife to take a polygraph? You know of two affairs, the poly might force her to come clean about everything. Unfortunately, most waywards don't admit to too much unless we throw solid evidence at them....and sometimes, even then, they deny.

Is your wife doing anything to repair the damage she has done....counseling, reading books, giving you access to all of her social media including phone, email, facebook, linkedin, etc.
Accountability for her whereabouts at all times.

Cheaters lie and lie and lie by omission. They either try to protect themselves, minimize the situation, don't want to hurt the BS, or possibly sweep the A under the rug.

Only you know what is best for you. I suggest you meet with an attorney, not to file, but as a consultation to help you understand your rights if you go the D route.

You WILL get through this, take one day at a time, take time for yourself doing things you enjoy doing...walks, runs, fishing, golfing, anything to give you some peace within this mess.

DepressedDaddy posted 5/17/2014 22:36 PM

So sorry that you have found yourself here.

Take care of yourself

BreatheAgain10 posted 5/17/2014 23:15 PM

Oh gosh I'm so sorry 2Old4Nonsense! I read your post and wanted to respond right away before my thoughts escaped me and I didn't pay attention to your gender. You were clear enough. I have pregnant brain sorry!
If your WW is not showing much remorse or helping you to cope and heal from her infidelities then I can see why you want to divorce. I still think you need to have a clear, more calm mind to to decide that but it isn't a bad idea to get your ducks in a row and talk to a lawyer about your options. I really pray you find some peace- even if only for a day- to collect your thoughts. I HATE what infidelity and lies do to the betrayed spouses! It is soul crushing... But we can get thru this with support. I would hope your WW would be remorseful, but if not, lean on those you do trust, including us, who want to be there for you.
(((BIG HUGS)))

SadInNC posted 5/18/2014 01:25 AM

She is a serial cheater and has blindsided you for years. So heartbreaking for you and I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. Go to a counselor and a doctor. It helps.

Do the 180 ASAP. Her reaction to that will speak volumes. You deserve an honest spouse. If she cannot or will not be that person:

"Good-bye, that's all he wrote."

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