Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Do I stay or go?

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Destroyed121813 posted 5/17/2014 19:18 PM

I have posted here before and you all have been so helpful that I need to ask for your kindness again.

My short story is this: My WH has had multiple sexual encounters, one that almost destroyed our lives, and is now being treated as a sex addict. We are now separated and all of the personal business, financial and joint business matters are settled. (I have 100% ownership and we MAY just stay in the black.) He has moved out of the house, but still looks for excuses to stay in our family home whenever he gets the chance.

For many months after D-Day (12/18/13), I was so focused on getting control of things, dealing with crisis after crisis, going to therapy, him moving out, getting the separation agreement, dealing with the kids and the shock of it all, etc. that I really am just getting to the point where things are dying down and I need to make some decision about us for the long term. I told him that I wouldn't go to family therapy and work on figuring this out until these things were resolved because I couldn't make a decision with all of this hanging over my head.

Now that my husband is in sexual addiction therapy and the support group, he is acting wonderfully and really doing everything he can. He takes full accountability for his actions. He is there for me and the kids and wants us desperately to reunite. I don't hate him at all, but I do not think I am in love with him anymore. That said, not matter what happens there is a place in me that will love him until the day I die for being the father to my children and for what we have shared together. He is a good person, but has done some horrible things and is dealing with his addiction.

I have not made any promises about the future, but the indecision of whether to get back together is killing me. I know this is going to sound really pathetic, but if he was acting like a jerk that didn't want to reconcile, it would be so hard. I am so sick of having to deal with things and just want the upheaval of my life resolved - this last major decision included.

Have any of you been there where your ex is being great and you need to figure out if the marriage is dead or if it can be rebuilt? I know I will never fully trust him again, but would the life we would have together again be worth it? How do you figure it out? I am not the type of person to sleep around and I think that dating someone else would be a disservice to them when I do not have my sh*t together just so I can "figure it out."

My IC keeps telling me that it is going to take time. Our family therapist (that I agreed to see to work out issues with our kids dealing with the separation and potential divorce) says that it is going to take time and to not do anything (including date) until a final decision is made. With my personality type, taking time is making me crazy. However, I don't want to make a rash decision either.

In the meantime, he wants to see me all of the time (we have always gotten along great as friends), he wants to make love, and just be together as a couple and a family. He treats me wonderfully - like a queen. In trying to figure out if we are still compatible, we have done home projects together (which was fun). But, when it comes to intimacy I can't stand for him to kiss me and I no longer care about his needs during sex. (We have only had sex a few times and then I stopped it because I couldn't deal.) When he tries to emotionally connect to me, I just check out. Is this normal? Does this signal that we could never fix this or is this just a phase?

Do I owe it to the 12 years together and our children to give it another chance?

Hell, he just seems so desperate to fix this situation that I feel guilty in one extreme and aggravated the next. Sometimes I look at him and wonder if I really know him at all.

How does one figure it out? I have tried making a pros and cons list, but it just seems so trite.

Any thoughts and guidance are truly appreciated.

renee21 posted 5/17/2014 21:28 PM

This is a hard one. My stbxh is SA as well. When that diagnosis finally came he was the most remorseful loving man in the world. I was his queen, the woman God gave him, his soul mate.

4 years later, after me forgiving multiple affairs and an OC, I sit alone, he left me and our children for a known whore.

One piece of advice that I can give you is the boundaries are not optional. If you stay, the minute that boundaries slip or he thinks he doesn't need them, he doesn't need his recovery group or counselor, run for the hills.

I saw the A starting....I saw the OW before he did. I warned him, we all asked him to stop...he turned it around on me...I was too controlling, he left because of reality he was busted in an A and he literally moved right in with the OW and her family.

The man who loved me, who couldn't express how grateful for another chance doesn't give a shit how I feel or our kids at this point. The years in recovery and counseling went to shit the minute he started hanging around the wrong sort.

There is a SA support thread on here, the ladies on there are great, you will find good advice there.

I hope your tale ends better than mine, some SAs do recover and stick it out.

Nature_Girl posted 5/17/2014 22:08 PM

I was not able to make marriage work with my SA ex. No matter how "good" he got, he always relapsed. Always. VERY long periods could go by with him being good as far as his SA was concerned.

What's worse, though, is that I kept telling myself that I should stay with him, even though I did not love him and found him repulsive. I had lots of reasons for staying, I could pull reasons out of a hat and convince myself to stay over & over.

I finally accepted that I deserved a better life than that. I could not live a lie the rest of my life. I would not live a lie the rest of my life.

There's a good book that was recommended to me by a member here. "Too Bad to Stay/Too Good to Leave". I suggest you read it. The questions in there are thought-provoking.

renee21 posted 5/17/2014 23:30 PM

I have to add that even with everything he put me through, I did love him and my heart is broken again... But, I can't say I'm shocked or blindsided. I took the risk and stayed. He just wasn't strong enough or dedicated enough to his recovery. It has zero to do with me, its just easier to blame me I guess.

Deciding to give anyone who cheats a second chance is a big leap of faith, with a SA its like jumping without the parachute.

I have to say though, him doing this shit and actually living with the whore to me was the ultimate insult. I never expected him to actually move in with one of his whores, I thought he would at least consider our kids, that's how I know he's too far gone.

That was when I hit done.

k8la posted 5/18/2014 07:12 AM

I'm married to an SA who struggles like yours does. I guess my expectations of marriage are different. I grew up in an abusive alcoholic-fueled violent home. The violence stopped just after I left home, though the verbal violence did not. The alcohol also left 12 years after I left home. I saw my parents experience a sweetness in their last 20 years together I would not have anticipated given my childhood experiences with them.

My own marriage has had ebbs and flows. We're in an ebb right now. The addiction has a part in that. He's trying very hard to stay sober and to be a good husband, after our blow up last year when he added online affairs and flirting with craigs-list encounters to the mix. He got caught, and I've put some protections in place for myself so that I can tolerate an attempt to recover the marriage.

I have enough on my plate right now, I don't need to add divorce to the mix. But I have a separation agreement in place that buys him some time and me as well. Very similar to your situation.

I've experienced the dead feeling in my heart several times in my marriage. So I know what it's like to feel "done". I wouldn't be too quick to get back together but not because you're not in love with him anymore; rather as a matter of protection for you and your children. I believe you could fall back in love with him again, if in fact, you knew and had seen him go through several stressful events and stay sober with no backsliding. Your in-love feelings can't come back when you don't feel safe - and sobriety through stress is a huge safety factor.

StrongAlone posted 5/18/2014 08:43 AM

Indecision is a hard place to be but please don't rush through this phase because it makes you feel uncomfortable to be there. I too wanted so badly to know if I should stay or go, my husband pretended to be in recovery for all of a hot minute, but I'm glad I waited until he showed me that he still was a lying dick because now I am 100% confident in my decision to leave. Be with your discomfort, don't try and solve everything right now. This is teaching us all patience, and I understand how hard that is, I have a really really hard time with patience too!

You might also in time just decide that too much has been broken, too must trust has been destroyed, that you don't want to try anymore and that is your right. I also didn't like being put in the position of the decider after everything my STBXH had done.

On a side note, some of these men with SA in my humble opinion, actually have NPD and use sex as a means to gain supply for their ego's. If your husband is NPD as many of ours are, run don't walk. Mine is a covert narc so he hides his sick personality very well. Once I recognized how destructive he was towards me with his constant lies and manipulations, well there was no turning back. Just something to think about.

And to answer your question, "Do I owe it to the marriage to try again?". You don't owe him jack shit anymore. He has taken your trust and chucked it out the window over and over again. Ask yourself what makes this time different from the rest? Are you willing to take the chance that he can sustain recovery for the rest of your lives? It's a shitty place to be and I'm so sorry for your pain.

Destroyed121813 posted 5/18/2014 13:25 PM

Thanks to everyone who has responded! I took Nature_Girl's advice and started reading "Too Bad to Stay/Too Good to Leave" this morning. It is EXACTLY what I need.

So here's the update. He was supposed to take the kids to his house this weekend so I could have some "me" time. The kids hate it there and so does he quite frankly. When he found out I was working on a proposal most of the weekend at my office, he asked if he and the kids could hang at the house. I didn't see a problem with it.

Well, I do as of this morning. He woke me up and asked me for sex after I reiterated that I was having a hard time figuring out whether to stay in this relationship or not. I told him no way and he pouted.

Later on I told him that I really need him to stay at his condo all of the time and that in the future he needs to figure out what to do with the kids there.

He got an attitude with me about it. He said, "Well, I figured that was coming." Then he stormed out of the room. As if I am some sort of wishy washy woman who is the reason we are in this situation. Oh, hell no!

The only thing I can think now is "Yes, dear asshole. Thank you for making this process so much easier. Still focused only on you and your needs as always."

When will I ever learn?!?!?!?

wontdefineme posted 5/19/2014 00:36 AM

Destroyed, it makes it easier for you to detach and know you can't do anymore when they act that way. My xh used to flip between nice and nasty when he tried to fix it with sex and that was not what was needed. I truly think he didn't know any other way besides sex and buying things.

Knowing they are NPD or behavior disordered gives you peace of mind that they will never change and are incapable of change and leaving the marriage is the only way you will have some sort of peace.

betrayedidiot posted 5/19/2014 14:03 PM

Do I owe it to the 12 years together and our children to give it another chance?

I would ask if you owe it to yourself to live a peaceful and secure life. Of course he is acting loving and desperate. Just remember he has lied before and likely may again. I am not sure that you are going to be able to think objectively if you are accepting the lovebombing and having sex with him. Maybe you to take a step back?

Destroyed121813 posted 5/19/2014 18:03 PM

Well, the sex part is definitely over. He was acting all distant today at work and that was fine with me. If I keep away, I bet he will be getting laid in a couple of months. He can't stand not to have the affirmation.

Sometimes I really wish I were asexual.

Destroyed121813 posted 5/19/2014 18:04 PM

Not laid by me - just to clarify.

Gemini71 posted 5/19/2014 18:21 PM

Do I owe it to the 12 years together and our children to give it another chance?

You don't owe anything to anyone. Who's to say your kids wouldn't be better off without all the tension in the household? Your WH owed you a hell of a lot better than he gave you. Make your decision based on what it best for YOU! I can't tell you what to do, but here is what I have done in a similar situation.

A lot of people view SA as a disease, and a reason to "give him another chance." Well guess what. Addicts almost always relapse. I barely survived finding out the first time. I ended up in the psych hospital for a few days and I'm still on strong ADs. There was no way I could survive a "relapse." My kids need at least one stable parent to be there for them.

My kids are better off in a more stable environment and my Dipshit STBXH is a better father when he does see them because he knows his time with them is limited. However, his treatment and therapy takes up so much of his non-working time, that he has missed all but one of the kids' extra-curricular events since this all started nine months ago. That's attending one concert for a whole school year for three kids.

My ILs are a bit pissed because "he would recover better in a family environment." Well he was in a family environment when this developed, and it didn't help him at all! Honestly, until he has made significant progress in treatment, the family needs to be protected from him.

I also have some additional deal breakers to deal with. (He had a PA with my BFF). So we're Divorcing, and I'm not planning on ever going back. That being said, my Aunt and Uncle married and divorced three times, then ended up living together at the end of their lives. So I will never say never. But in the triage of this disaster, the order of importance is my kids, me, then maybe our marriage. But it would have to be something entirely new, because what was is now dead.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.