I have posted here before and you all have been so helpful that I need to ask for your kindness again.
My short story is this: My WH has had multiple sexual encounters, one that almost destroyed our lives, and is now being treated as a sex addict. We are now separated and all of the personal business, financial and joint business matters are settled. (I have 100% ownership and we MAY just stay in the black.) He has moved out of the house, but still looks for excuses to stay in our family home whenever he gets the chance.
For many months after D-Day (12/18/13), I was so focused on getting control of things, dealing with crisis after crisis, going to therapy, him moving out, getting the separation agreement, dealing with the kids and the shock of it all, etc. that I really am just getting to the point where things are dying down and I need to make some decision about us for the long term. I told him that I wouldn't go to family therapy and work on figuring this out until these things were resolved because I couldn't make a decision with all of this hanging over my head.
Now that my husband is in sexual addiction therapy and the support group, he is acting wonderfully and really doing everything he can. He takes full accountability for his actions. He is there for me and the kids and wants us desperately to reunite. I don't hate him at all, but I do not think I am in love with him anymore. That said, not matter what happens there is a place in me that will love him until the day I die for being the father to my children and for what we have shared together. He is a good person, but has done some horrible things and is dealing with his addiction.
I have not made any promises about the future, but the indecision of whether to get back together is killing me. I know this is going to sound really pathetic, but if he was acting like a jerk that didn't want to reconcile, it would be so hard. I am so sick of having to deal with things and just want the upheaval of my life resolved - this last major decision included.
Have any of you been there where your ex is being great and you need to figure out if the marriage is dead or if it can be rebuilt? I know I will never fully trust him again, but would the life we would have together again be worth it? How do you figure it out? I am not the type of person to sleep around and I think that dating someone else would be a disservice to them when I do not have my sh*t together just so I can "figure it out."
My IC keeps telling me that it is going to take time. Our family therapist (that I agreed to see to work out issues with our kids dealing with the separation and potential divorce) says that it is going to take time and to not do anything (including date) until a final decision is made. With my personality type, taking time is making me crazy. However, I don't want to make a rash decision either.
In the meantime, he wants to see me all of the time (we have always gotten along great as friends), he wants to make love, and just be together as a couple and a family. He treats me wonderfully - like a queen. In trying to figure out if we are still compatible, we have done home projects together (which was fun). But, when it comes to intimacy I can't stand for him to kiss me and I no longer care about his needs during sex. (We have only had sex a few times and then I stopped it because I couldn't deal.) When he tries to emotionally connect to me, I just check out. Is this normal? Does this signal that we could never fix this or is this just a phase?
Do I owe it to the 12 years together and our children to give it another chance?
Hell, he just seems so desperate to fix this situation that I feel guilty in one extreme and aggravated the next. Sometimes I look at him and wonder if I really know him at all.
How does one figure it out? I have tried making a pros and cons list, but it just seems so trite.
Any thoughts and guidance are truly appreciated.