I haven't posted in so long. Way too long.
Brief catch up: my H and I are trying to reconcile. My DDay to him was in Dec about 2mo PA 12 yrs ago. He took off his ring and asked me to sleep in the other BR and I did for 2mos. A week after DDay he slept with a woman we'd met recently at a friend's party and then a few days after that with a woman he'd known for about 25 yrs that I was always jealous of (my H and I have been together 22 yrs). I found out about them at the end of Jan and he said he would cease contact. We slowly started trying to be together and then a month later I found out he'd been sleeping with the first woman (from the party) through part of Jan and most of Feb. I said I was leaving and he begged me to stay and swore he'd cease contact.
During the last five months I've been on here, I've read books, article, started IC and have tried to find ways to heal and overcome all that has happened. But I feel that he has done very little.
One, he feels that he deserved his affairs, or at least the first encounter. Two, he doesn't want counseling, independent or marriage. My H has always enjoyed pornography (at times to the detriment of our relationship, especially in the early days) and is a voyeur. This too has cause problems. In our relationship.
Right now, I feel so extremely alone even though we are together most of the time when we are not working. He rarely holds my hand, hugs or kisses me in a warm way. It feels very contrived when he does it. We haven't made in love now in over a month and he doesn't come to bed with me most nights...rather after I'm asleep.
When I suggest doing something I've read about to try to help things heal, he doesn't respond really or seems to think they're silly. He doesn't give me any indication of what he needs when I ask and if we start talking about it all it just turns to the A That I had and "what I need is for you not to have cheated on me" and comments like that.
I get frustrated because he knew firsthand how badly it hurts to have been betrayed and yet still wanted me to feel it. And if it had just been the once, that I suppose would be one thing, but to turn it in to a full-fledged affair is another. I now too have mind movies and fears. Plus, this girl is just across tone...she lives close to where he works and we have friends in common. My OM, I haven't spoken to or seen in 12 years and lives over an hour away.
I know that some of this is really defensive and accusatory, but I need to get this out somewhere and I am desperate for something. I don't even know what. I'm just lonely all the time. Every time he passes me by and doesn't touch me, I feel defeated. When he kisses me hello/goodbye the way he would his grandmother, I want to cry. I go to bed at night alone and cry. I'm just a mess all the time and my emotions are horrible. I just started a mild anti-depressant and I'm hoping that might help.
However, nothing is going to help "fix this" but us. I can't do it alone and I feel like I am. He tells me he's trying, but his version of trying is just "trying to be normal and then maybe it'll feel normal again one day". I don't believe that. We have too many issues to work on and they're what got us here.
I've sake many times now if he wants to S or D and he always says no, says "I want to grow old with you" or "I can't imagine a life without you". All of that is sweet, but it's just words. There are no actions to back them up. I do believe that the As have stopped on his end. I cannot be 100% certain but I don't think he is doing anything. I do worry that he's still talking to this girl, but again I can't be certain. If he is, then it's at work and I have no way of knowing.
Thoughts, suggestions or insights? Thanks for reading.
