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regret12 posted 5/17/2014 19:33 PM

I haven't posted in so long. Way too long.

Brief catch up: my H and I are trying to reconcile. My DDay to him was in Dec about 2mo PA 12 yrs ago. He took off his ring and asked me to sleep in the other BR and I did for 2mos. A week after DDay he slept with a woman we'd met recently at a friend's party and then a few days after that with a woman he'd known for about 25 yrs that I was always jealous of (my H and I have been together 22 yrs). I found out about them at the end of Jan and he said he would cease contact. We slowly started trying to be together and then a month later I found out he'd been sleeping with the first woman (from the party) through part of Jan and most of Feb. I said I was leaving and he begged me to stay and swore he'd cease contact.

During the last five months I've been on here, I've read books, article, started IC and have tried to find ways to heal and overcome all that has happened. But I feel that he has done very little.

One, he feels that he deserved his affairs, or at least the first encounter. Two, he doesn't want counseling, independent or marriage. My H has always enjoyed pornography (at times to the detriment of our relationship, especially in the early days) and is a voyeur. This too has cause problems. In our relationship.

Right now, I feel so extremely alone even though we are together most of the time when we are not working. He rarely holds my hand, hugs or kisses me in a warm way. It feels very contrived when he does it. We haven't made in love now in over a month and he doesn't come to bed with me most nights...rather after I'm asleep.

When I suggest doing something I've read about to try to help things heal, he doesn't respond really or seems to think they're silly. He doesn't give me any indication of what he needs when I ask and if we start talking about it all it just turns to the A That I had and "what I need is for you not to have cheated on me" and comments like that.

I get frustrated because he knew firsthand how badly it hurts to have been betrayed and yet still wanted me to feel it. And if it had just been the once, that I suppose would be one thing, but to turn it in to a full-fledged affair is another. I now too have mind movies and fears. Plus, this girl is just across tone...she lives close to where he works and we have friends in common. My OM, I haven't spoken to or seen in 12 years and lives over an hour away.

I know that some of this is really defensive and accusatory, but I need to get this out somewhere and I am desperate for something. I don't even know what. I'm just lonely all the time. Every time he passes me by and doesn't touch me, I feel defeated. When he kisses me hello/goodbye the way he would his grandmother, I want to cry. I go to bed at night alone and cry. I'm just a mess all the time and my emotions are horrible. I just started a mild anti-depressant and I'm hoping that might help.

However, nothing is going to help "fix this" but us. I can't do it alone and I feel like I am. He tells me he's trying, but his version of trying is just "trying to be normal and then maybe it'll feel normal again one day". I don't believe that. We have too many issues to work on and they're what got us here.

I've sake many times now if he wants to S or D and he always says no, says "I want to grow old with you" or "I can't imagine a life without you". All of that is sweet, but it's just words. There are no actions to back them up. I do believe that the As have stopped on his end. I cannot be 100% certain but I don't think he is doing anything. I do worry that he's still talking to this girl, but again I can't be certain. If he is, then it's at work and I have no way of knowing.

Thoughts, suggestions or insights? Thanks for reading.

devasted30 posted 5/18/2014 05:43 AM

I am sorry that you are hurting. IMHO I don't think there is anything you can do about your spouse. Work on yourself. Continue with IC and reading. Exercising and bettering yourself both mentally and physically. If he sees a good change in you, perhaps he will decide to try IC himself. I do think the porn is a problem, but how to stop it????? Have you tried 180? Have you drawn up boundaries? Maybe it's time to "tell it like it is" because, from what you are saying, could it get any worse???

regret12 posted 5/18/2014 16:34 PM

Thanks Devastated.

Not sure what 180 is? We've never set boundaries and certainly not regarding porn. Honestly part of the issue is that as I look back at our relationship, which began when we were 17 (me) and 19 (him), we never learned to communicate in a healthy way. I'm a codependent from a poor, divorced family and he's a passive aggressive from a middle class, fundamentally religious family.

I've recently realized that he is also a bit narcissistic. Well, maybe anyway. For example, two evenings ago I found a great article about little ways to improve your marriage and emailed it to him. I'd asked him before if I found things that I wanted to share if that would be okay and he said yes. So yesterday a friend of his texted to see if he wanted to go grab dinner and see a movie with him. He said no. I told him I wouldn't mind if he did and he said he didn't want to because he didn't want to go to the restaurant that his friend often suggests and had no interest in seeing the movie. I was a bit shocked. Wow, how nice it would be to tell someone no and shrug it off because you just don't want to. And he went on to add that he doesn't like to do things that he doesn't want to do...I'm a selfish bastard. So later he was telling me about a problem with the computer and he's done all this research about fixing it and thinks he has it fixed. And then he's telling me later about a player on his favorite team and things he'd read about him that day. I asked if he'd seen the email I sent and he said yes, but he hadn't read it. Then he was up late last night on the computer again until like three and this morning he was telling me more things he'd read last night about the team and issues with a couple of players, etc. so I asked again, any chance you read the article. No, never got to it.

So I feel like he has no interest in helping me try to work on this marriage. After all, he doesn't do what he doesn't like/want to do, right? Too bad I'm not a damn computer.