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BlackHorse posted 5/17/2014 21:13 PM

I am new here to "Surviving Infidelity" and just want to say "Hello".

I am also scared. I am relatively new to these feelings of desperation and helplessness which I now feel after finding out about my common-law wife. It has been eighteen days - April 30, 2014 - and it has been a roller-coaster to say the least.

I basically found out by accident. I had felt something was wrong for two weeks prior to finding out. The two week mark also coincides with the approximate time my common-law wife met a man who is a family friend to her brother-in-law's family.

She is presently visiting her sister and brother-in-law while receiving medical attention. The distance to where I am and where she is presently is daunting and due to financial concerns there is no way for me to try and solve this face to face.

The details are not necessary at the moment because everything is so fluid and changes day by day. Though she said nothing sexual happened and wanted me to forgive her acts of inappropriateness, and I was trying - she has remained secretive and I know things are still happening. As of this morning - after an early morning Facebook conversation - she and I are over.

This afternoon - once again by accident - I found that it was indeed still happening though she told me she was no longer in communication with the male family friend. Somehow she managed to hide the fact on her "Facebook Profile" that she had become a "Facebook Friend" of the male family friend who started a second Facebook profile as of May 8th - a week after she said she was no longer communicating with him. I saw she was his only "Facebook Friend" when I looked at his new "Facebook Profile" late this afternoon.

The lies continue. And so does me being scared and feeling helpless.

Thank you - BlackHorse.

DepressedDaddy posted 5/17/2014 21:19 PM

I am so sorry you have found yourself here. We are here for you. For now, what you need to do is make sure you take care of yourself. All of us can remember those first few days to few weeks. Even though each of us have our own experience, one thing is fucking sucks.

Please rely on us for advice, support and strength.

annb posted 5/17/2014 21:41 PM

Hi, Blackhorse, I want to welcome you to SI. Weekends are a bit slow so bear with us.

In the meantime, have you checked out the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner? Great resources in there.

You cannot trust a word she says. Cheaters lie and minimize. If they say "x" happened, you can bet that it was probably "x and y and z" that happened.

Have you asked her family members about this? She's visiting her sister and BIL, what do they think about her cheating with one of their friends? Is your wife due back home in the near future?

5454real posted 5/17/2014 23:18 PM

Welcome to the best club you never wanted to join brother.

Serious question that sounds flippant. Are you OK? Eating/drinking? Sleeping? Please, see a Dr. He/she may be able to prescribe something or give you a referral.

The details are not necessary

Sure they are, it dictates the advice we can provide.

everything is so fluid and changes day by day

Of course it is. She will continue to change stories to fit the needs of the moment. Liars lie, cheaters cheat.

Reality needs to slap her in the face. Have you asked her where she wants her stuff shipped to? She's sure not coming back to you!!!

Crap, I'm sorry brother. Keep posting.


Have you asked her family members about this? She's visiting her sister and BIL, what do they think about her cheating with one of their friends?



BlackHorse posted 5/17/2014 23:20 PM

She went away to have a possible double operation on her foot. Apparently foot operations take a while to heal and recover from.

She had planned to stay until she was fully recovered - which could take anywhere from three to six months. She sees a specialist in a couple of weeks. Then if she is a candidate for the dual operation - she would then have to wait for a date to be set for the operation. The recovery would naturally start after the operation. Her future ability to walk was in question. She presently uses a cane and will always require a cane due to a near death car accident approximately 25 years ago.

She suffers neurological and short-term memory brain damage also from the car accident - and suffers with chronic pain - 24/7. Pain medication helps to alleviate her pain to a manageable level most days.

She and I are both middle-aged. We were together two and a half years - approximately. She came into my world to live with me. She has no ties here except for me. Now she is with family and there is less incentive to return.

As I mentioned in my original post/message - her and I are over as of this morning. She will not be returning at all now.

Since she has been gone - one and a half months - I have been taking care of her dog (which I also love). This past Thursday I placed her dog on an airplane to fly to her. I was expecting the end of our relationship to finally happen once her dog arrived where she is.

I figured she had this all planned - and I just happened to find out about the male family friend sooner than she had planned - if at all. Her wanting me to forgive her was probably a tactic to stall for time and safeguard me from keeping her dog from her should I become bitter. After I found out - she said her intentions were always to return to me after her recovery. Though it was always understand that the dog would travel to her when the time was right and finances allowed - the dog travel was planned and finalized after I found out what had been going on behind my back.

Due to her continuing medical issues - we have been separated before for seven and a half months while she sought medical assistance at a different location with another sister. When she returned to me - we had three and a half months until she once again had to leave. The reasons for her having to leave for medical assistance is complicated because I am Canadian and she is American.

I never got the opportunity to know her family so my contacting them is out of the question. Her family are no doubt involved in all of this and have enabled her.

I found out this morning she had no intention in returning to me. She knew it all along - even when I kissed her good-bye at the airport for her journey to where she is now. Even long before she left on the plane - she was lying to me.

She is/was "The Love Of My Life".

BlackHorse posted 5/17/2014 23:29 PM

I appreciate very much everyone who has responded to me. It may sound funny - but I do not feel so alone right now. In my world I have no one I can really turn to.

In answer to the post/message above mine by "5454real" - no I have not been taking care of myself at all.

I suffer with depression - which naturally got worse when she left because I missed her. Now my depression has gotten even worse due what I found out / the lies and deceit / and of course the break-up of this morning.

SadInNC posted 5/18/2014 01:16 AM

BlackHorse, I also found a lot of solace in this site. I spent hours and hours on here during my darkest time. So, read and post all you want!

Go to the doctor. A lot of us BS needed meds. There is no shame in it, and they help.

We're here for you.

ZedLeppelin posted 5/18/2014 01:19 AM

There is no 'wrong' emotion here. You are not less of a man because you feel depressed.

What you need to do is to begin to take care of yourself and start doing anything which changes the status quo.

Serious questions: Do you have children together? who owns the house?

After seeking legal counsel i would put all of her things in a storage unit off site. Text her this information, and then end all communication. If she gets annoyed or anything, tough - she decided to end the relationship. Start redecorating your house, and dive into painting projects - they may take your mind of things. Head down to the local gym and get any aggression out.

No matter how painful you must not dwindle around - rip off the proverbial bandages.

Look up the 180, and begin to move on with your life. If she wants you back, then she will have to get it back - not you!. In that time you will realize that you deserve to be loved.

BlackHorse posted 5/18/2014 02:45 AM

Thank you all once again for your responses and lending me your ear.

We have no children. I rent an apartment.

There are very few things of hers left since she came with very little except a few family photographs / some clothes / some jewelry / and of course her dog.

She took most of her summer clothes (I can pack a two suitcases extremely well) and I sent the dog to her this past Thursday.

I still have her few family photographs / some of her jewelry / half a double closet full of winter clothes / and the cremated remains of a previous dog.

Night-times are the worst. My mind gets weary (as it is right now) and I cannot believe the nightmare I am living. I do not go to sleep anymore - I pass out from exhaustion.

I should mention I do not drink anymore - 13 years sober. I also do not do recreational drugs. I have started smoking again since she left.

For the past year (roughly when she left for the seven and a half months duration medical assistance I mentioned earlier) - I started to have nightmares. They started to bother me most nights. When she returned the last time for three and a half months - they slowly started to go away. The nightmares consisted of her abusive ex-husband finding her on one of these medical seeking excursions and harming or killing her because she escaped him / or nightmares where I lost her to another man. She knew about my nightmares.

It seems a part of my nightmares came true thanks to her. I lost her to another man and from the details I did get from her - she had a hand in encouraging the male family friend since she loves to flirt with men - and he saw it as an opening and an opportunity. She said there was nothing sexual - but from what I know even if there was nothing sexual - she crossed a major line. I saw what she wrote in the e-card to him and I was devastated.

Please realize she is physically challenged. She is very shy but attractive and has a way about her when she wants to use it. She uses a cane and is very unsteady when she walks. She is also very fragile and any fall could cause her permanent damage. She also suffers from the chronic pain I mentioned earlier. She was in an abusive relationship for years before I met her.

I think this male family friend sees her as an easy victim to be swept off her feet and taken advantage of. Plus she helped by encouraging him right from the start.

I asked her to break communication with him about two weeks ago - and she said she did - but it seems she has not since she made him her newest "Facebook Friend" two days ago.

I cannot help but think she is going to get into some serious trouble - and this time there will be nothing I can do to help her.

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