SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone. I’ve lurked on and off for the past three years and had a relapse this week and thought it would be good for me to seek the advice of others.

DDay was over three years ago. On March 28, 2011, my wife of 11+ years found out that I had been cheating on her for 3 years with around 30 different women. I had created a fake identity and used it to meet women at bars, go out on dates, and sleep with them while I was travelling for work.

Through my wife’s grace, she agreed to reconcile with me, and we have been working hard since, but I have made little progress. She is still deeply hurt by what I did, has difficulty trusting me, and does not believe I love her or find her attractive.

I’ve been struggling. It’s been very important to me to be a model recovering wayward husband, but I have been handicapping myself by trickle truthing and gas lighting my wife. She did not have the full blow by blow details of my affairs until 9 months ago. I’ve also had periods where I have been unfairly short, impatient, resentful and mean.

This past weekend we decided to tour a model home in a new neighborhood. We were helped by a saleswoman that I found attractive. After we returned to the car, I decided to look her up on Facebook to find out more about her. I had no desire or intent to contact her.

I did not tell my wife I was doing this. A couple of days later my wife asked to look through my Facebook search history, and saw that I had looked the saleswoman up, plus some 25+ previous searches for other women that went back to the beginning of the year. These other women were professional relations (partners, prospective customers, coworkers, etc.). There were also a few men.

My wife confronted me about it, and while I did not realize while I was doing it that it was a relapse, I realize now that it was.

I need advice. I understand that it’s okay to find someone attractive, but it’s not okay to turn that attraction into action. There have been past occasions where I have found someone attractive and thought about them after leaving their presence, but this is the first time where I’ve done something.

Does anyone have tips on how to stop or redirect this type of thinking? Ideally I would prefer not to notice other women and be oblivious, but I don’t know if that’s possible. I would like to condition myself to stop at the noticing so that it does not lead to this type of activity again.

I would appreciate any help. I’m feeling humbled after this latest relapse, and despair that I cannot change my ways.

30 different women begs the question of sex addiction. Have you considered this or looked into it. Do you use porn? Are you in IC? I don't think MC would benefit you at this point and could actually be very harmful to your BW.

I have heard recovery nation recommended to others on here. I think doing some reading on there would be a very good idea. I think there are others on here who have used it.

despair that I cannot change my ways.

You can change your ways but it takes a lot a lot of courage and hard work.

I have been in IC and MC for 3+ years. I use porn on occasion, but only as a method of enhancing intimacy with my wife.

I've considered sexual addiction, but I'm not certain that's the box I fit in. Of those 30 women, I had sex with 6 of them. I felt more drawn to the attention, power, and control I had through my deception.

Thank you for replying.

[This message edited by MrSorry at 11:37 AM, May 19th (Monday)]

After 30 women in 3 years I bet you're probably in major adrenalin withdrawal. These little Facebook recons might even feel like barely a misdemeanor in comparison. First move when going on a diet is to throw out all your junk food, so if you really want to change, get rid of all the temptation. Lose the FB account, get a joint account with your W. But that's just a bandaid, have you figured out what to do with your Why yet? Is there a way to feed the beast with something other than random women? I realized in IC that among other things, I enjoyed the attention, and the challenge and thrill of an A. Now I must find acceptable ways to fuel that part of me or I will always be at risk of relapsing.