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Just learned he joined

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Matilda23 posted 5/17/2014 22:22 PM

A few days ago I just learned BBF joined SI. I was happy but then I got angry. I got upset because he didn't tell me. We then discussed it and I told him I was just hurt and sad that he could not trust me to tell me. I understood why the next morning when I went looking for him. I found him and my heart sank. I did something horrible again. I betrayed his trust again. I'm glad I didn't run into a thread he posted, because when I told him what I did he asked for me not to read what he wrote. I have not and will respect his wishes. I'm very happy that he joined as he told me about the site, but never did. I just keep hurting him and that's the last thing I want to do.

stilllovinghim posted 5/17/2014 23:45 PM

Sounds like the two of you need to set up some ground rules before either of you go any further with this. He has a right to mistrust you and be angry with you, especially this early on and it's going to be that way for, well, a long time. If your BBF wants to post on here he needs to feel safe just as much as you do. One of the major reasons why the Wayward Side was created was for the wayward to have a place here on SI where they can post safely, put up a Stop sign on their post if they feel necessary and receive advice without fear of being piled on.

Your BBF, especially this early out, needs privacy, respect, love, understanding, patience from you and for you to stop focusing on yourself and feeling sorry for you.

Sit down with him and set up some boundaries with love and respect being the main focus. Good luck.

Matilda23 posted 5/18/2014 15:34 PM

Stilllovinghim,

Your BBF, especially this early out, needs privacy, respect, love, understanding, patience from you and for you to stop focusing on yourself and feeling sorry for you.
Thank you, BBF and I talked last night and we have set up some ground rules. I can continue to read SI, but if I see a post that he had created, I will respect him and not read them. When I found him I did not dare read his posts as I knew what I was doing was wrong. I was disappointed in myself and told him what I did right away. I know he has every right to not trust me, as I don't even trust myself. I am truly happy that he joined. I was feeling sorry for myself because I didn't know, but I have to remind myself that if he feels safe he will share.

stilllovinghim posted 5/18/2014 21:29 PM

Matilda, that's good to hear. I think you were feeling sorry for yourself because it's a habit. A lot of times when we have a habit be it good or bad, we're unaware of it. It could be tied into how you self sooth. Are you or the both of you in any kind of counseling?

Matilda23 posted 5/19/2014 12:45 PM

Stilllovinghim,
You are right, and I do have a horrible habit of feeling sorry for myself. We both are in IC. I deal with abandonment issues which causes me to always have my guard up, but I now I can't protect myself anymore. It's now me protecting him and showing him that his thoughts and feelings will be safe with me again. I feel like I got control in my life when I found him, but it did not make me feel good about myself and continues to show him that he can't trust me. Thank you.

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