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married, affair and im pregnant

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littlemiss1 posted 5/18/2014 02:21 AM

im just wanting any advice or help anyone an offer.
i'll tell you my story and try to keep it short.
i have been happily with my husband for 8 years.he is/was such a wonderful man and always made me feel beautiful.
we decided to move away 2years ago for new job, we did and it was hard. the stress and pressure took their toll and my husband had anxiety/depression, when we got through the first 12months i was so proud i though we could handle anything.
my husband however now tells me he never really felt better and was scared to tell me. after meeting a girl for coffee to escape it all he slept with her twice. he said he felt awful and told her he didnt want any contact. all spring/summer/autumn he kept this. he said he wouldnt have told me as he was discusted and never wanted to do it again..i didnt notice a thing, we were happy so i thought. oct i found out i was pregnant, husband was over the moon.tough pregnancy followed and pressures of work really heated up. in jan i noticed he was acting a little different, slightly distant,cold, not himself. i assumed (sooo wrongly) it was baby fears,me changing and i just thought when baby was here itd be fine.
things got worse and everyday he would break down in tears, say there was no light at the end,he didnt know what to do etc, i kept asking hin to spell it out as i didnt und. then he dropped a bombshell he didnt love me, we tried to work things out but he was like a stranger. i moved back to my parents at 7months pregnant it was the hardest time of my life. a whole 5days passed i heard nothing then he started calling and texting after 3 weeks he begged me to come home. i did. when i walked in the door he was so happy to see me, he said hed been to doctor and needed help we talked all night. then the next morning i had a message from a girl saying he didnt love me and just wanted the baby. i confronted him and in dribs and drabs it came out. he met the same girl from the previou year fro coffee and slept with her.ater telling him we had no future unless he told me it ALL. he spilled.
he met her once a week, she text and called him he tried to break ot off (not in the most obvious ways) she found out when i away visiting family and asked to come round, he said no to start with and the 3rd time said ok.
long story sorry but this went on 4 11 weeks in all, he told me he said he loved her, sent her a valentines card. they never went out anywhere never met of an evening or weekend.the first week i left though he let her stay in our house, in the spare room.which eats me up.he has no idea why he said he loved her truly didnt.but what he was doing made him believe he really didnt love me,after 10days he avoided her completley(his way of saying its over) and said he finally saw things clearly, he had loved me all along and had no idea why he done all of this.

since this has come out two weeks ago, he said he feels relieved, he begs me to stay and work on it, says hell show me he can be the husband he was. hes starting counselling and again been diagnosed with severe anxiety/depression. he says there is no excuse for what he has done, but he knows ge wasnt himself and soemthing wasnt right.he said he would never have done it and doesnt even know why he did.ive asked many questions, i wanted to know every detail, he told me it all, the bad,the worse and the ugly.
what hurts the most is this girl isnt anything special, he didnt confide in her, said it really wasnt about sex he could just escape.he sent her a message saying he used her to escape problems and he was sorry he wanted to work at his marriage and for her never to contact him which she text,called,him and me repeatedly, he showed me messages and we decided to ignore them all, 2weeks now heard nothing.

im 37 weeks pregnant now and he is acted like my husband again so ineterested in baby, touhing tummy,saying im beautuiful,text and calls throughout day with updates of where he is all without prompting. leaves phone checked sti's(this made me so mad that he put me and baby at risk,especially as girl was seeing another guy too) im just a mess i cry everyday at his betrayal i know he has never done anything like it before, i can see the guilt made him so much worse. im angry,hurt,confused, he says ive always been such a suportive wife, i gave up everything to move and work for him full time. which hasnt helped we have been glued to each other 24/7.
i cant wiat to have this baby and im trying to not fall apart, but i cant believe hes done this. i do believe hes sorry, i wnat to hurt him.yesterday i told him i was leaving as it was too hard and he broke down,sobbed was on his hands and knees begging for me to stay. i didnt want to leave i just said it to hurt him.which makes me awful. then i cant stop crying then i want him to hold me. he says he feels closer to me, but how can i compete with a 20yr old size 8 when im due to drop and feeling insecure. how do i get all the images out of my head?i love him so much and i do think he is sorry but where do we go now?sorry its so long just helped writing it all down and lwtting it all out

Nailinmyforehead posted 5/18/2014 05:49 AM

Hi there,
Wanted to let you know that you have been heard, and I am sorry for the crap you are going through right now. This is a pain like no other, and my heart hurts for what you are feeling. Right now your concern needs to be for you and for the baby. The weekends are slow here, but you will find the best group of people here to help. Please check out the Healing Library in the corner in yellow and read all you can. And post. It helps. God help us all through this mess.

justinpaintoday posted 5/18/2014 07:33 AM

Little. So sorry your here girl but glad you found the site. Please look in the healing library on the left. There is a ton of helpful information. Reading your post does raise a few things you need to understand....he is more than likely lying about the A. They usually do. I bet the girl slept in your bed not the spare. Really?

Your number 1 goal is the baby and keeping your stress low. There are some big things in front of you that you need to keep safe. It is apparent he has no hesitation stepping out of your M when things get tough. Once you have kids things will get tough on occasion. How will you know he will not step out again?

You need him to do a few things...

1) Timeline: Written down answering the questions you need
2) Full transparency.
3) IC for him and you
4) MC

Post here often. We have all walked the path you are on in varying degrees.

shiloe posted 5/18/2014 07:40 AM


I am so sorry this happened to you. Seems to me from reading here, it is common for men to cheat when their W is pregnant.

One thing at a time. Just focus on you (not him and what he has done, you can deal with that after your baby arrives.) Focus on your physical and mental health and thus your child too. Stay focused . . . proper exercise, nutrition, and sleep. You are suffering (emotional pain) with so much right now. Having a baby and what it does to your body is hard, but you can get back to normal, it takes time and self-discipline.

I know it is hard not to think about anything but his cruel betrayal. But you need to focus on taking care of you and baby for a while first. After you get more stronger and focused, you can deal with him. Don't let what he did rob you from the joy of your new little baby.

One more thing, cheaters lie . . . a lot. Be careful.

identitylost posted 5/18/2014 09:32 AM

Hi. I'm sorry about what you are going through. My baby was 3 months old when my ex cheated. It is terrible. I remember being so sad for my son that his family was broken before he even had a chance to know what it was like to have a mommy/daddy in the same house. In hindsight though, I think it is better bc he won't remember his mom/dad ever living together and never had to go through the loss of one parent leaving.

You need to concentrate on trying not to worry too much about any of this until after you give birth. Try yo keep your stresses low. I will tell you from experience, once the baby is here you will likely go into survival mode bc your child will need you so much. I always say my son saved me during that time. I couldn't go into depression or bury my head under the covers because I had a baby to feed/love/keep alive.

I was still breast feeding when I found out about the affair, the biggest thing I remember from that time how angry I was that he had put my baby's life at risk. Screw them for possibly giving us an STD....but seriously F#€k them for exposing our innocent babies. I get so angry about the selfishness of their dicks and stupid egos that they are willing to put other's lives on the line.

Anyway, no one can tell you what to do. You will have to decide if you want to reconcile or divorce. Just know from someone who was a single mom almost from the very can do it and will ultimately be fine. In a lot of ways it is easier when you never get used to having their help. You quickly learn how to do everything on your own...and it sounds like your parents are nearby (as mine are) and that is a lifesaver.

Skan posted 5/18/2014 09:44 AM

Hey sweetie, I'm walking out the door but I needed to reach out for you.

The above people are right. You have NO other obligation or responsibility right now, except to yourself and the baby that you're carrying. None. You have no obligation nor need to decide One Damned Thing right now. Nothing. You can decide to just exist each day and focus on getting through one more day.

As well as The Healing Library, please look in the first couple of pages of this forum and read any of the posts that have red "targets" next to them. They are full of good information for you, and can help guide you. They look incredibly long, but all you have to do is read the first page the rest of the length is people bumping them up to the top of the forum every week so that they are available.

I'll be thinking of you today. (((hugs)))

heartache101 posted 5/18/2014 09:58 AM

I am thankful you found us.
You need to concentrate on you and baby. Do find yourself a great infidelity therapist for you. This is all about him he is sefish and is not was not thinking about you baby none of that.
It wouldnt matter if you looked like Cindy Crawford he would of cheated this was not about you at all. I wish someone would of told me that....

Live for you and baby every moment. Surround yourself with loved ones. Soothing moments and sounds. Come often as you need us...

littlemiss1 posted 5/18/2014 10:37 AM

Thank you all for your replys, its so sad that so many of us are in these situations.

i do believe he is sorry, i have never seen someone cry like he does, he violently shakes if i say im leaving, he has told me lots of things that i would never have found out otherwise which he could have kept from me, but does this make me stupid to believe him?

i really do believe he told the truth about were etc as he said sofa, spare room etc he said hed throw it all out. maybe im a fool but i do believe him.

ive been home nearly 3 weeks and hes the almost the husband he was before, affectionate,loving, tells me how much he loves me and cant believe what hes done.

he signed himself up for counselling, hes happy to leave phone with me all day, he tells me where hes going and if im worried i can go and find him.

he never gets cross when i ask for details or ask the same thing over and over.

the stress and anxiety does change hi and i can see for weeks he wasnt right, then the guilt hit him.
i mean hes lost heaps of weight,cried several times a day, couldnt sleep, ibs, this must all mean something?

its sunk in ive known just over two weeks, im def taking care of me and baby. but he really is too.
can people get over this? he really was the most loving husband, we had such a happy marriage, ive seen text and she did alot of chasing although to me the blame all lies at his door!

i want to try again not just for the baby but if it was just the worst mistake is it possible that he wouldnt do it again?

justinpaintoday posted 5/18/2014 11:16 AM

Little Miss people absolutely can reconcile. In fact if what you're saying is true it sounds like you have a great basis for the potential. That would be so awesome if you're both willing and do the hard work to truly forgive and to grow you can rebuild your marriage. That's truly what most of us want few of us find and we're all excited when another one of us has that potential.

Just take it slow be gracious with yourself. If your husband is truly remorseful be graceful with him as he does everything to make amends. Best of luck.

Furious1 posted 5/18/2014 11:25 AM

I'm sorry you are going through this. As for whether or not he will do this again, all I can say is watch his actions. The Healing Library is also a good place to read and learn. I do hope he has decided to be the husband you need.

littlemiss1 posted 5/18/2014 12:56 PM

thank you.

my best friend came up to see him last week. i though she'd rip his head off! i left them to talk and he really confided in her, i was totally surprised when she said she believed he was very sorry, and that it was written all over his face how much he loved me.
she said he broke down in tears and repeatedly said he has no idea why he did it, there was no connection and although he slept with her it wasnt about sex either.
this bit i struggle to understand but by reading everyone else comments it helps so much. i never knew there was help like this out there.
im so grateful for your feedback. sometimes im so angry and say mean things, other days i sob and he sits patiently through it all. he says hell live with the guilt the rest of his life. and hes sorry hes been crap husband and so un supportive until now, i can see hes trying. i just want to believe him so much. i love him with every beat of my heart, although since it came out i wont tell him that i do, i know he wants me to say it he tells me all the time and looks sad when i dont reply.other than my best friend neither of us wanted family or anyone to know, i thought if we could work it out,i didnt want my family to hate him. i know hell be a great dad. life certainly has its us and downs x

justinpaintoday posted 5/18/2014 21:16 PM

Who you decide to tell is your business alone. I agree though that if you are R then less judgements other than yours is best. Your H might enefit from the Wayward forum. I caution though he will have access to your posts so u have to decide if this is ur safe place.

Definetely read my earlier post to u. Remorse is critical. Not just regret. He appears to have this. Understand there is a ton of work ahead. You both should consider IC and there are many books you can read together to help heal.

I will tell you this...I offered my WW R and she rewarded me with more lies and a desire to D. That was more heartbreaking then the Affairs. To be betrayed and then abandoned is a tough road to walk. Your H messed up big time...he will have to man up and do whatever it takes to heal you and heal himself (find out why he cheated and fix it).

That being said, there are couple here that make it...they post here often as well and I hope some will chime in. I am praying for you both and hope you break the odds. Your posts seem encouraging

littlemiss1 posted 5/19/2014 01:52 AM

i feel so foolish as i never expected him to be having an affair. i honestly thought he was having a break down as he has in the past.

he feels closer to me now its in the open, although the pain hes caused me hurts him greatly.
he sleeps.eats, infact hes completley exhausted. maybe i should be pleased that guilt eventually made him confess all, ill be wiser if theres a next time and hopefully seee it.

i can see their are parts of our marriage that needed to be brought to attention on my part as well as his.
but i can fully see affair was him not me, he says that to me alot.

he said now hes told me it feels like it was someone else doing it and not him.

iom sure evryone thinks its totally out of character for their partner to cheat, but it really was.

he went on a stag do once and everyone went to strip club but he went toa casino with a friend as he thought id hate him going- thats the kind of man he was.

im 8 1/2 months pregnant now and hes doting on me, just like i thought he would have all along.
he was great the first 3months before he changed into this cold/heartless stranger.

hes making me feel beautiful, and loved which is why it hurts so much.

i just dont want to be completley niave, but hes being very open. he said he needs the counselling to help him understand why it happened too.
he said the counsellor seemed to understand this need for escape from day to day life.
but his depression and anxiety effects me too, but i dont run to someone else for escape, but then i dont suffer directly maybe thats why i just dont understand

Heartbroken1979 posted 5/19/2014 21:05 PM

I have been in your shoes. November 2012 my WH had a 5week EA And PA with a co worker. In the end of Nov I found I was prego with #3 (while on birth control). When I told WH he went from bad to worse. He had become a totally different man in just a few weeks. He was un happy, distant, withdrawn, and just didn't want to be around. I thought we were going through a rough patch and after I told him about the baby I thought he was just taking it really bad (thought it would be better once the baby came). One week after I told him he was getting really bad and crying saying he was not in love with me. He looked so torn and helpless. I called out to work one day cuz I was a mess so I could think and pray. He confessed everything as I was getting ready to head out. Those days were so hard after. I was hospitalized for dehydration and sleep deprivation. I could not eat or sleep. I could not function. My whole world fell apart. I lost 15-20lbs up until week 20 in my pregnancy. I woke one day and said everything but my children and in born baby is taking a back seat. I didn't ask detail (something I struggle with now) I only asked about current things (where he was/ when he saw her/ any communication) he also broke bc in jan and move out/got kicked out 3x. It is a very long road (that I'm still on). Each persons different but you need to figure out what works for you and baby. I even told my WH he would not be in the room when I had the baby early on. He missed many of the appointments and gender ultra sound because it was just too stressful and painful for me to have him there. I kinda just shut him out a little and focused in the baby. Any questions you have please let me know

justinpaintoday posted 5/19/2014 21:20 PM

Little miss: I think your H has some real issues to address....hopefully he is on Paxil (depression/anxiety). IC is critical for him and it appears from your writing he wants to understand and fix his issues. You too should seek IC. You need to have someone help you walk through the stages of grief and process your feeling (other than your H)>

I do get encouraged by ur posts.

BreatheAgain10 posted 5/19/2014 22:03 PM

So many ppl have already written what I would also write to you! I just want to hug you littlemiss! ((((HUGS))))
I'm currently almost 35wks pregnant with baby #3 and I know how important it is to have that support from your H with your pregnancy. We are VERY vulnerable and much more sensitive than when we are not with child. My fWH and I are currently 4 yrs out from DDay#4 and tho it's been a rough road, we are currently in R.
I can relate to your DDay during pregnancy. 10 yrs ago, I was about 30 wks pregnant with my 2nd baby when my fWH (then fiancée) had dropped a bomb on me (DDay #2) that he'd had a fling the year before. He was super regretful but we didn't have a clue how to deal with things the right way back then. So it ended up happening again (a worse affair, this one sexual) in 2008/2010 bc we had never really fixed our marital issues and his brokenness.

From what you post, it sounds like your fWH is remorseful. I hope he stays consistent and continues to work VERY hard at R with you- even as you cycle thru the crazy roller coaster emotions.
Take great care of yourself and that precious baby of yours little mama!

[This message edited by BreatheAgain10 at 10:06 PM, May 19th (Monday)]

1Faith posted 5/19/2014 22:27 PM

Right now just focus on yourself and your baby.

Please don't try to rush into thinking the A is not an issue and that you can just "deal with it"

Yes, you both can rebuild but you have to deal with what brought you here in the first place (that comes with time and a lot of soul searching and hopefully IC for you both). Understanding the why is critical in helping to heal and move forward.

One thing you said concerns me

she found out when i away visiting family and asked to come round, he said no to start with and the 3rd time said ok.

Your WH chose to say okay. This is about his inappropriate choices and his choice to cheat. Your comment stems in blaming the OW. Yes, she had a part but he could have and should have said NO. Don't loose sight of that.

Take one day at a time. Crying is an emotion. Your WH actions will convey if you can begin to trust again.

Healthy hugs. You and your baby deserve better than what he has give up to this point.

Good luck.

betrayedpregnant posted 5/19/2014 22:35 PM

hi littlemiss, believe it or not, everything that happened to you happened to me, except that my husband left me ( possibly for AP ) and he is not remorseful at all. prayers help. friends help. individual counseling helps. and the presence of your baby helps too. god helps. sending you love and prayers.

littlemiss1 posted 5/20/2014 09:40 AM

I'm so saddened to hear that this has happened to others.
its a huge form of help to know im not alone though too.

my husband is 100% to blame, he made a commitment to me, he broke his vows. i dont blame anyone but him. hes causd me all this hurt.

but i do see the ow wasnt innocent, and i can see quite manipulative. h had text from her 2 weeks ago saying that i didnt love him!!cheek!
she knew i was pregnant too which makes her quite sick in my view.
when h sent her text to say sorry he used her, he loved me and wanted to work at marriage, please dont contact ever again.
she bombarded us both with calls and texts.

But i dont really care about her, as i said the fault lies at my husbands door and his only.

h has been to doctor and has started counselling too.
he wanted to do this i didnt have to force it.

i also see that he didnt have to tell me what happened, he could of just said they met for coffee and i would have believed him.
he decided to blurt out everything though, so i do appreciate that. i think it helps if i remember that.

every question i ask he answers i believe honestly, it hurts but i need to know.
it pains him to tell me these things, he usually crys but when i feel its answered i can lay it to rest.

mind movies are torturing me though, she was better in bed, slimmer, younger not hugely pregnant,and however much my husband tells me it wasnt the best because it wasnt with me, it pains me to see the movies minute by minute.

ive been back 3 weeks and he is making a huge effort. rings and texts me in day. pops in to say hi, spending more time with me, always touching bump,leaves phone out etc he does all these things without me asking.
so much so that i have only checked his phone twice, i dont feel the need too.

hes acting like my husband that has been missing for the last 3months.

sadly he feels free er and lighter to have it all in open where im carrying the burden now.

im taking care of myself and my bump, i cant wait to meet her/ or him. i just wish we had a little longer to build foundations up before the arrival.

sti results came back today all clear very relieved, but also got very angry that the prat put me and baby at risk.
i could see the pain in his eyes though, he tells me hes sorry every day and that hell spend the rest of his life trying to make it right again.
he'll never forget the hurt hes caused me.

we seem to be moving quickly, i think maybe thats because babys coming. i know it will take months years even.

his honesty and obvious discust,shame,disappoinment in himself puts me at ease though, because my questions are being answered even if ive asked them 50 times already.
he never gets cross or wont talk about it, even though talking about feelings has always been hard for him.

maybe im niave and stupid but i do think that being unfaithful caused him huge emotional pain.
his depression was scary, it scared him and me, which is why when he says he wouldnt put me through it again, or himself i believe him.but if it did happen id be quick to see the signs.
some people cant live with guilt.
i have never seen someone cry umpteen times a day, lose so much weight, not eat, not sleep,be ill , shake violently.
its sad to watch, when ur helpless because he wouldnt tell me.

now i know im glad i do. i can see problems we had in our marriage and i can address them with him.
the fling was entirely him, iam not to blame for that in any way shape or form.

sometimes i tell him im leaving, its cruel because i know i dont mean it.i just want him to hurt like iam.
he falls to a heap on the floor and sobs, shakes violently and says sorry over and over that hell never forgive himself.
he also says he understands and hell take me to my parents.

i have done this twice, i wish i didnt becasue i dont feel better, i just feel sad.

most days though, i crave his affection, i like it when he holds my hand, or strokes my hair.
he tells me he loves me all the time,he wipes my tears.
i havent managed to say i love you back, i want too but it feels like the last bit of protection i have.if i dont say it i wont get hurt again.

he says its fine not to say it to him, because one day ill love him again, he just needs to prove he can be a good husband.
the sad things was before we moved here he was all i ever wanted,he was a great husband.

His job is a huge pressure and its not one we can change.he works 7 days a week 18hr days for 9months of the yesr.
the other 3 months we do get weekends free. so pressure is always intense.its no excuse but i do see how it all got to him. it does me too but i handle things like that better.
i do see how though this caused anxiety in first place.

please dont think im making excuses for him. im really not nothing excuses hurting me like he has and being unfaithful is soo unbelievably cruel
but its ruined enough now, my pregnancy was lonely and sad, we have a chance to put it right and move on.
live each day as if its the last i guess.
i deserve to be happy and he has this chance to contribute to that.
if he falls flat on his face ,ill be happy with my baby and he can spend the rest of his life knowing he screwed up the best thing he ever had!! xx

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